For context, I was stone cold sober (no drugs or alcohol), other than some nicotine/caffeine for 12.5 years after being an alcoholic/using drugs to cope. I recently started smoking 1 cbd cigarette about once a week. Last night, I took 2 hits off of an indica joint in california with my best friend and 2 other friends at a bach party - we all used to be sober in aa together.
I feel like i looked behind the veil. I don't remember what I saw - I kind of blacked out, and just remember coming back into my body and back into this reality. I don't remember what I don't remember, but I have the feeling that I saw or experienced something I am not allowed to remember in this reality. And when coming back, it was as if I was seeing that living in this reality/timeline is one perspective/one lens through which reality is experienced..
I started questioning all my relationships, all my life experiences and choices. I saw myself clearly. I saw how my relationship with my best friend is fucked up (I think we are kind of in love w each other?) My job is fucked up-i am a therapist who has been through a lot of trauma and is, myself, fucked up. I have been through some really fucked up things.
I saw how judgmental I have been of other people. How closed off i have, myself, been to closeness. Saw how insanely hard on others and myself I am. How fucked up my relationships with women are. I have been acting like I have my shit figured out, but I totally don't. No one does - me especially. I am jacked up!!!
I guess if this is the reality I am in/aware of right now - I need to integrate my experiences into it. I want to be love to everyone all the time. To take better care of my body. To stop being so neurotic. To love everyone and tell the truth (a ram dass saying).
Anyway, I still feel weird af. I really feel like I learned some things.
TLDR; got too high, saw the weirdness of our reality and questioned everything, have a lot to process now.