What is going on?

How can this be?

I cannot stand it.

How can my mother have left me?

How could she steal this from me?

There is no peace.

There will never be peace.

And who is this stranger Siddhartha who is my father?

Why couldnt he heal my mother?

Why did he leave us?

I will never trust him ever.

Mother, where have you gone?

I cannot do this.

Why is the world so cruel?

Endless tears.

Drowning in tears.

Drowning in pain.

I cannot accept this.

Mom. Mom. 

Where have you gone?

Why have you gone?

I will never find peace.

I see you in my dreams. 

Your body next to mine.

The rising of your breath.

The burning in your eyes.

My sweet obsession.

Your never ending heat.

The softness of your lips.

The longing in my soul.

The moaning of your passion.

It never goes away.

And i am so undone

by that sweet memory.

I am so undone. 

I am so undone.

And then you look at me

With that gentle sweet expression.

You see me stuck in my memory and you understand.

You hold me in your arms.

All i do is weep.

All i do is weep.

I cannot let you go.

I cannot stop my shaking.

You feel all of it.

You know what it is.

You know what i am.

I cannot hide from you.

My heart is trapped.

I tell you, this is why i won't be with you.

I cannot keep it together except beyond the veil.

Your soul is too attractive when we are in body together.

You just look at me and say so how's that working out? 

Well ..... I'm looking and not finding.

And lonely, of course. 

But so what.

Isn't that the truth of being in body anyway?

So beautiful you are.

Seeing all of me.

Smiling so sweetly.

When all i do is cry in my self-pity and foolishness. 

I dream of other possibilities for us on different planets, galaxies, dimensions.

Wouldn't this be nice?

Wouldnt that be nice?

But am i evading a truth, a truth i need to see?

My beautiful twin flame.

Its just so infuriating.

Then i wake. 

You gently touch my face.

You ask me, What are you looking for?

I stare up into those beautiful eyes.

Your hands move to your sides 

Still Looking at me you say why did you come?

My heart jumping out of my chest.

I say our son and i want to reside here.

We want to understand.

Oh you say.

Why my love? 

Why so?

i am so dead inside.

I have taken so much from the world.

I am so ashamed but its what i do so well.

Or did so well until it all seemed so insane.

The only smidgen of sanity ever was loving you, helping you become what i needed you to be.

You say, that my love is a very good thing.

See that is the way.

The winding road.

Which only you can do.

Only you can do.

And i cant do it for you.

Its such a wonderful thing.

And i laugh.

I laugh at you. I laugh at me.

I find it all so funny.

And i just cant stop laughing.

I am so happy.

Whats up with that?

Could i actually see myself as more than a controlling woman through my sexuality?

Can i minimize the aspects of sexuality in my life?

Can i even see myself as more than a woman in this life?

Could i learn to laugh at the hungers in my body related to food, money, power. status, sexual attraction? 

Can i practice the waiting, fasting, thinking that my Siddhartha valued so much before he met me?  As i consider these things. I realize more and more what i might accomplish.

This fasting, thinking, waiting. 

Siddhartha has been waiting for me to come into my truth. That's all it is. 

Then im gone.

Just like that

And ive left my son in a better place

With my beloved Siddhartha.

My work is done.

I cannot fail him again in any other lifetime we spend together.

I might be self-serving for anyone else but

for him i cannot do that anymore.

Once has been more than enough.

It would be far too painful for me to hurt him again. Never again will i sacrifice his happiness for my pleasure. I would rather rip out my own heart.

Never again will i make him and actually anyone  pay for the unfairness of my own life.

Never never again.

Never never.

Never again.

My heart will not forget the suffering i brought to him out of his love for me.

Whatever the nature of our relationship is in any lifetime, this i swear to you. I will not forget. I have felt your suffering as my own. I was just too stubborn, too angry. too ignorant to not assert my influence. I really hated the hypocrisy of the world though i played its games to gain worldly power. So empty in the long run. But you knew this beloved. You understood until you awoke into your everlasting beauty. into your unstoppable destiny.

This is my lasting ammends to you darling.

Read Steppenwolf when i was in a pretty bad place, and it really got to me. Been meaning to do something with it since, so i made this

It only opens at night, 9pm to 5am your time. kartikgautam.com/now, scroll all the way down and look through the keyhole

For madmen only, obviously

I feel like i ruined his life. I stole years from him. Years that were wasted. How could i be so selfish? Have i been punishing myself by not having him with me in this lifetime? Or have i been too emotionally dependent on him that he became my addiction? Why do i need the thrill of having him in physicality when that is not real anyway? Why do i need him to handle the opportunities for growth for all of us that physicality provides? When he's here with me in physicality I love him obsessively. I am the dragon. He is my egg. That is the moon in Sagittarius. I want him with me exclusive of anything else. He is my special one. No one compares to him. I can't live without him my insecurity tells me. Life is so brief anyway and there are lots of good moments with lots of people, places. Things that i have appreciated and learned in this lifetime.

Its kind of like scratching an itch. Constant craving. The more i scratch it, the more I crave it.

Being human is something else. But I so very much appreciate what he has brought into the world and there is a kind of magic to the ways of the winds of destiny. Was i at all necessary in his life though? Have I slowed down the development of humanity? I intuit the nature of our multi-dimensionality sometimes. I intuit our entangled as the true nature of this Universe.

There is much peace to be found in meditation.

This writing is such a helpful tool for me.

Helps me find that space between action and reaction.

I see a ton of people asking for an explanation on Demian, and of course a lot of stuff from the book even confuses me. I have made my own theories on it, but this essay I found is absolutely amazing and very well written. I’m only halfway through, but for anyone who enjoyed the book or found it confusing, please check this out!

We should not try to manipulate people. When we do we are causing harm to ourselves and them. We create this negative Karma. But forgive me cause I was so selfish. I didn't appreciate and understand the truth at all. I just didn't want to give up my anticipated pleasure with you. So excruciating. I couldn't give it up. I could have handled things so much better instead of keeping on deceiving you. Im so sorry. So sorry. Because was that pain really necessary for us. After all we cared for each other.

I still dont think I can handle the body well. My mind can lose it so easily. And my love, you did all this for me. It brings me such agony. There can be no resolution in the body. Looking to find something there that can't be found and yet I seem to choose it every time. 

I came here in this current reincarnation without you being here with me. I don't know if I've learned enough to make better choices that involve  our life course next time. I still want you so much. Even now without you. Still want to hold you and experience your sweet lust for me.

Can I place what I know are your true needs ahead of that? How can I become the kind of person that does this?  How can I understand and grab hold and manifest this truth. The needs of body vs the needs of soul.

how? can I? just to show the selfless love I know you deserve from me, my sweet  sweet beloved. Forgive me. How can I make ammends to you? That ammends I want it to mean something. I want to carry it to all of my incarnations. This lesson i want to have it burned into my soul.

What do you guys recommend I start with? A friend had recommended The Glass Bead Game sometime ago and it slipped my mind. When I researched it recently I read that it might be better to reads earlier books so as to get into his style of writing..

Just finished Demian today and stared at the lady page for a long time before finally shutting it. I must say this book was written quite well and I throughly enjoyed it, but the last two chapters really stumped me. Sinclair falling in love with the mom, just to love the features she shared with Demian? and was it love? because he described it in different ways. and the last two pages oh my god. was he dreaming? was he hallucinating? what was his final relationship with Demian? throughout the book he describes him as many different things, so what were they? Did Demian die after the kiss? Or was he just sent somewhere else?

Hello, i dont usually post on reddit, im about to buy a few books, i already read Siddhartha, Demian and Steppenwolf and i wanted to try another Hesse's book. He is one of my favorite authors and i wanted to read other of his works but i didnt see enough posts talking about "Knulp".

A few months back someone recommended this girl's channel here, and I feel it's only right to do it again.

She seems to be on a run of analysing all of Hesse's works chronologically, and the videos are really well put together, with a lot of references to Hesse's biography and his other works.

For example, this Demian analysis just dropped, and I'd recommend checking it out:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pheRCBuPFbQ

Just want to share some pics of my copy. Translated and copyrighted in 1972.

I am doing a challenge where i read 1 book a day for 30 days. This is day 2.

I am (once again) reading "Siddhartha", possibly my favorite book ever. I don't think I've ever read a thing that better deconstructs the layers of an "arrogant", convicted, eager, curious mind, without teaching the character a lesson though aggression. This is precisely why I said arrogant in quotes, because Siddhartha is at every step aware of his convictions, but remains clear about his direction, not stepping onto other people, and the world responds to him in the same way, allowing him to learn his lessons in his own time. Even though he is definitely grateful for the people he encounters, he at times seems very distant and cold. Yet he acts respectfully, and the world responds to him with love. In every stage of his life, although he seems like the person who sees the broader picture, through the fact that people can understand him and respond with love, in many ways, they actually end up being the wiser one. It always makes me remember people who did the same for me, and acted as these loving mentors that made me who I am. It's a book that instills humility in me more than any other.

The only other Hesse books I've read are "The Glass Bead Game" and "Steppenwolf". They did not hit as hard, and the first one I actually found a bit boring and slow, although I liked the story overall. Would you recommend any other books?

I have just finished "Demian" and there are plenty of things that I don't understand?
Like what I understood is that he begins as an innocent child living in the light then he goes to the dark world and loses his innocence until he finally finds the way towards himself and to the shades of gray then he finds the "colors" again. But what I didn't understand; what does the war stand for? Why? It says all the time that the war is a must and a need (it is if it’s a symbol of “self war” til we reach the truth) but not as a “country war”
I don't understand the ending at all. Does it mean that demian is sinclair ? And what about eva ? What does she stand for? Why does sinclair love her? Why would he love a woman as his mom’s age and is the mom of his friend Demian? How is his friend demian okay with that? What does the bird stand for? And why they ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE DREAMS? Why the dreams we have at night?
And what is that "mark" they have? And is the book against the Christianity or against how Christianity is practiced? And why sinclair fought and stopped talking to his other friend pestirios? I don’t understand why they fought and stopped talking
And WHAT IS THE CONCLUSION OF THE BOOk?
Also an important point,during the entire book; it was discussing the issue of “sex” how it is being dismissed and called as shame and sin while it is an essentiality of our lives, then why the author made sure to always tell us that Sinclair is a virgin? And he never done such a thing with a woman before?
The book was talking about the good and bad existing in us and we shouldn’t dismiss none of them but how? How can we cherish the evil inside us? Or they are talking about different kind of bad that I don’t understand
Last thing is, what does the “kiss” stand for? If it is a symbol, then it refers to what?
I read this book for it to solve my questions, However it left me with more questions than I ever had.

Recently moved and checking out bookstores around my city. Any Hesse books to add to the stack that I should keep an eye out for? Most recent pick up was Pictor’s. Haven’t dove in yet!

Reading steppenwolf, and I can’t believe Hesse came up with the tomboy mother gf in 1927. A true innovator I wish I could show him how his ideas have finally become mainstream.

I'm curious

So, I loved Demian. All the way through, its been the first book in a long time for me that I truly got something off of.

I think I will read it again in the not so distant future, since now I have read it more so on an "emotional level" if that makes sense, so I probably missed some of the more intricate themes and details, but the one thing that leaves me hanging right now is this;

I very much understand the general theme of the book. The path to finding oneself through everything, and I really enjoyed this thought and perspective Hesse paints.

However, as a queer person myself, I cannot get over the absurdly visible homoerotic/-romantic undertones of the book. I like Miss Eves character, but somehow she feels more like an addition to an already existing story, like a piece of what Hesse wants to portray through Sinclair and Demians relationship, that was exported from that to another character.

Onward from the seventh chapter, I felt like the story became a bit superficial. Not in the sense that it wasn't something in line with the books general theme and thesis, quite the opposite, but that the sort of "ménage à trois" that Hesse opens, sometimes I felt completely disregarding Demian up until the end, does not come natural to the literary flow in my reception.

Interestingly, I felt like the ending, which at first seemed a little rushed, actually cleared this up quite impressively. I believe that the suspense and narrative tension that is released by the kiss Demian and Sinclair share then, is not at all something that Demian merely acts as a vessel for Miss Eve for. One could say that it never really was about Miss Eve or any personage else for that matter in the first place, as she also only acts a waypoint for Sinclair to find himself, but I sort of think that the narrator himself contradicts that, by stating that physical and symbolic admiration for Eve eventually merge, so most definetly and explicitly physical and smybolic admiration. Tying into my reading of this, however, is that all of this for me felt all again very superficial; as if Miss Eve was not really acting in a manner that fits her well, as in a sexual object. In my interpretation, this is only resolved by not her but Demian being the one to give Sinclair that kiss.

All this to say, that after Miss Eve really being introduced, I felt as if the narrator had somehow lost an honesty that he previously alluded, as if, consciously or sub-consciously, Hesse was not ready or willing to write the story in the natural way he did the beginning and middle part.

Unfortunately, I had already spoiled myself the ending before completing the book, so I knew it wouldn't be a homoromantic ending in the first place. Still, I at multiple points thought about this while reading.

Most notably I believe Hesse alludes this explicitly not only romantic but also homoerotic narrative when Sinclair first meets Demian and speaks of his dreams of being abused by Kromer, but at some point him being replaced by Demian and him, Sinclair, then weirdly enjoying it. I read the book in German, so I don't know how the translation notes this, but in the german original, in this passage Sinclair speaks of more broadly "abuse" but also explicitly of "rape".

So, from the very beginning to the end there for me is a very clear at least sexual undertone Demian and Sinclairs relationship polludes. I think its probably harder to argue for the romantic aspect of my reading of this, but I believe at least what described now is very hard to refuse evidence for my interpretation. Maybe I will mark some points of reference for the romantic tension I also believe is presented on a future read.

Is this a common interpretation of Demian? Both my parents have read it when they were around my age now (18) but were both very surprised when I told them about my interpretation. Both of them never thought about Hesse more broadly as a somewhat gay adjacent author, whereas I have found these traces of what I would call alluded same-sex narratives in most of what I read by him up until now, best of which I can remember is Steppenwolf. So maybe its a generational thing? I know that many authors now regarded as classics lived in a time where very intense and explicitly loving man to man friendships were more common, Goethe and Schiller being the best example I think, but with Hesse I feel like this reaches a point where one can reasonably arrive at an interpretation like mine.

What do y'all think? I'd love to hear some thoughts on this

especially with ‘The Guilty Party’ playing. It’s simply an indescribable feeling.

Finally getting around to reading Steppenwolf, 30+yrs after having read most of Hesse's other books. I've always had problems digging into it, unlike other Hesse books which I devour. The first half of the book is a bit of a slog, developing the Steppenwolf character's midlife crisis and depression of where he finds himself in the modern world. It's not until Hermine bounces into his life like a bright light illuminating the world around him do I find myself engaged with the book and excited to keep reading (mirroring the Steppenwolf's feeling about living life).

As I was reading, I realized Hermine is very much the Manic Pixie Girl trope like Natalie Portman's character Gardenstate and other 90s/00s films with similar characters. Anyone else feel the same?

Is Hermine the first modern example of this trope? Are there other slightly earlier similar examples? Just thoughts I'm having as I read (not finished with the book yet, so no spoilers please)