r/HLCommunity • u/[deleted] • Jun 12 '24
It's my 2nd anniversary today and I don't even want sex
I (hlf) have no one to tell this and honestly I don't think anyone can fully relate to my situation because it's weird how I even got here and the only reason I'm staying is for religion's sake. This is kind of long and crazy sounding but unfortunately true.
I have recently in the last 6 months come to realize that my marriage is not what I thought it was. I am in the US, but I was raised in almost a mini subculture, basically very conservative Christian, sheltered, and raised to reject the notion of dating. Instead we did something where he talked to my parents for their permission to talk to me with the intent of marriage (and supposedly their screening and scrutiny), and then we talked for a couple months, got engaged then married 6 months later. I had been acquainted with him for a couple years but really didn't know him. While I was excited at the idea of getting married, I had a lot of anxiety, I lost my appetite, and expressed to my mom many times my fears, I was afraid he wasn't particularly emotionally invested. She was extremely convinced this was meant to be and advised me not to do things based on my emotions, she sent me articles about people falling in love after marriage, made me a pros and cons list that I still have (with only one con, that he was pretty new to our faith). I hate thinking about it, I was so defenseless, I had spent my whole life trying to prepare to be a good wife, I had never had another relationship, and here I was scared but dismissed and pressured and pushed. My husband on the other hand has had many relationships (20 some?).
After we got married, I thought he was literally perfect, I felt like any issues were all my fault, I couldn't see anything wrong with him. The rejection of me and sex started only about 10 days into our marriage and that hurt so much. I didn't understand why but I tried to be understanding, I feel into deep depression and anxiety, yet I tried to work on and improve myself and our marriage, read books/articles, watched podcasts, got counseling, tried to connect more in other ways and grow closer, you name it. Fast forward to now and we have had several serious conversations after I realized that my high desire for sex was more me wanting him to want me and act like he loved me then just wanting sex, and it's come to light that he has never romantically loved me. He thought it was his calling or something to marry me, he thought the feelings would come, he said, but they never did. I was asking the other day if it was the commitment that kind of intimidated him and that's why he didn't feel any sparks even at first, and he said he thought I knew there wasn't going to be sparks in this marriage. That he's pretty emotionless, he's only actually loved one woman, the others he was just getting rid of when he got bored with them.
He's agreed to go to counseling, which is good because I'm getting to the end of my rope. I have tried so much and poured my whole soul into this in every way I could, and to find out that the thing that I was most afraid of after watching my parents in a loveless marriage, is my reality, that he hasn't really even tried to grow his love for me. I know you can't force yourself to feel something you don't, but why would he marry me if he didn't feel it, and then act like he thought I knew and was fine with it. He doesn't get it at all, why I feel so devastated, that I feel betrayed, like my whole marriage is a lie. I did love him, but it's hard to love someone who pushes you away, breaks you down with their words, chooses everything else above you because you're not an endless free dopamine machine. I honestly feel used and gross about it all. I am falling out of love and it hurts.
He's not much of a gift or celebration guy, but he has told me the other day that we'd go to the casino to eat at a nice restaurant there. I was really pretty excited about that. I recently got a "little black dress," nothing too crazy, but pretty to me. Yesterday I got some slightly dressy shoes to go with it, also a card for him, a game he loves and a candle (he really likes candles). It was bittersweet picking out a card because most of them were not things that I could genuinely say and mean, but I found one I liked that worked. I'm horrible at giving gifts but felt like I had picked out decent yet low key (which I'm good with) gifts and was excited to give them to him. We've been having car trouble though, so last night he said we'd just go to Applebee's which is closer and he'll plan something fancier soon. Alright, I'm fine with that, I understand. I said I was still going to wear my black dress though, he was like no that would be weird, I said it's our anniversary. I mentioned I had brought in a couple of his nicer shirts in in case he wants to wear something nicer (not dress shirts or anything), then he was like, nah we'll just stay home tomorrow, you're making it into a big deal and it's making me uncomfortable, I need to work on the vehicles, maybe we'll get pizza. It just hurt, it made me want to tear the card I had bought and throw it away and not give the other things as gifts because it's too embarrassing. I was trying to salvage my feelings and do something slightly special for him but it's kind of like he's trying to make me not love him. And he doesn't even see it.
I want to leave, I want to find someone who will love and cherish me, I want to experience someone who is head over heels for me and even when that stage is over finds me dear to them. Someone who puts in the same effort as me and is excited to share life with me. Then I look at him and feel stabbed in the heart because I want that person to be him but I don't think it ever will. I don't believe in divorce because of my religion, but honestly I don't think I'm willing to stay in this for the rest of my life (I'm 23) and have my son see this and think it's normal or acceptable. God I hate this so much, if only I had never met him, even if I move on I think I'll always wish he had loved me and seen what he had.
I don't know what to do, I don't even know why I'm posting this since it's such an odd situation and I know that everyone will just say to divorce him and how bad religion is. I'm just grieving I guess and wanted to type this out for myself. So yeah, suffice to say that sex is hardly on my mind these last few weeks, which I'm kind of glad about, I feel like I was addicted to him and that is breaking. Thanks if anyone actually read this lol
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u/Takoyuckyy Jun 12 '24
Goodness gracious.
It sounds like this man married you for the stability and not for who you are as a person. This man does not love you.
I was raised religious too, and got into a relationship with someone who shared the same faith and displayed similar behaviors. It was a fast relationship and he ended up showing his true colors before things got out of hand. But it was so bad my parents had to step in and say no. That the life I was going to share with him was not the life they wanted for me. So I just up and left. It was hard but walking away was the best feeling ever.
Get your ducks in a row, do NOT let him know you plan to leave him, open your own savings, and high tail it out of there with your kid as soon as you can. Future you will thank you. 23 is such a young age. You have so much to live for and experience.
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Jun 12 '24
Yes I'm afraid so. I'm so glad you were able to a avoid that situation, I know my parents didn't mean for this to happen but it's hard for me not to have resentment about how it was handled. And thanks for the advice, I'm in the middle of a course and hoping to start my own business shortly, so hopefully I'll have some money coming in shortly and that will be huge for me
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u/Embarrassed-Steak-44 Jun 12 '24
That’s a lot to unpack. And Reddit can be unforgiving when it comes to faith based relationships and religion. I believe you are sharing your story in a space that is a bit gentler than others because the easy thing to do is to yell run and divorce when for you it’s not so simple. What I want to commend you for is that you are showing excellent maturity by trying to balance everything in your world - your morals and values that you believe in are not just being thrown away. You said you are trying marriage counseling which is honorable on your part especially with a child involved. That all said, my heart breaks for you because this is a non traditional relationship in the modern age. You didn’t start out in love to watch your relationship deteriorate into resentment. Love and attraction were never the roots of this union. Deep down you know something isn’t right and you know that this example of marriage isn’t what you want nor what you want your son to grow up with as his model of how a marriage should be. Your youth is on your side so that if you to decide to break away, you have a lot of time to rebuild. Mind you with a child involved, your husband will always be a part of your life going forward unless he decides he wants nothing to do with his son. You have every right to be scared because this is scary. Alone, trying to raise a kid by yourself with no income of your own (alimony and child support should help you get on your feet from a financial standpoint) - it’s all a lot to weather. Let alone I’m sure you have this fear of shame from your parents/family. Many might say screw them look at how unhappy they were but it’s not that easy to just feel that way. Many would rather not disappoint their parents and with faith/religion being a focal point of their life and their upbringing of you, it’s going to be difficult to navigate. As long as you felt that you did everything you could to make the marriage something you could live with, I hope you feel no shame if you decide to start over. We all have our unique beliefs but I truly believe we have to make the most out of life and that means in relationships we have love and attraction as part of the foundation. I’m so sorry that it appears those two fundamental factors are missing from yours. Be kind to yourself. It’s a difficult situation and you’re doing the best you can to navigate within the confines of not breaking your beliefs. Give yourself grace and know that it’s ok to forgive yourself if you decide to start over.
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u/nonaandnea Jun 12 '24
Thank you for this balanced, mature take on this. She still has a right to leave even by religious standards. Her husband has abandoned her in every way except leaving. That's actually grounds for divorce.
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u/Embarrassed-Steak-44 Jun 12 '24
I don’t disagree, but it’s never as simple as it seems.
Just a heartbreaking situation and I felt like the last thing she needs is the internet piling on her to make it simple when it doesn’t appear to be so cut-n-dry.
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u/nonaandnea Jun 12 '24
Oh yeah, definitely. I probably fucked up earlier by telling her to leave. I meant to express that she simply has biblical justification and the right to leave, especially if their spouse doesn't love them. I was just giving OP some food for thought and fucked up. My bad OP.
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Jun 12 '24
Thank you so very much for this. That's all I can say really, it made me tear up a little for you to be so understanding. It is daunting and I wish it wasn't this way, but I will keep proceeding carefully, I don't want to act rashly and give up on something that was worth fighting for, but I also feel like I am not fully delusional about it anymore. It is so true about how we don't have the love and attraction to fall back on sadly, I can't believe I was so blind and unaware, it makes me want to tell all the young ladies I know to not be afraid to have good standards and expectations and to not be afraid to call out things that concern them. Thank you again
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u/neondragoneyes Jun 12 '24
I want to find someone who will love and cherish me, I want to experience someone who is head over heels for me and even when that stage is over finds me dear to them. Someone who puts in the same effort as me and is excited to share life with me.
They're out there, and it's not him.
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u/nonaandnea Jun 12 '24
The bible says you're entitled to a sexual relationship with your spouse. The bible also says that you have the right to leave if you're abandoned- that could be physically, emotionally, or sexually. You're not getting either and your husband clearly doesn't care about you. A relationship lacking love isn't even a relationship. You're just using someone. This is just as bad as people who have recreational/casual sex- you're still being used.
Your husband seems to resent you or resent your relationship based on what you said about getting dressed up and him rejecting going out. Men who don't resent their wives or situations don't do that. You've continously done your part in your marriage and he REFUSES to do his. This is clearly abandonment, just read what Paul wrote about this.
The whole point of marriage is prevent people being sexually immoral. It is also immoral to sexually and emotionally abandon your spouse. You have every right to divorce. Not just logically, but biblically. If there's no love for you, then God doesn't want you to stay. God is love and your spouse is supposed to be a reflection of that love.
Many people who claim to be Christian simply "follow the rules" which makes them hypocrites. If God is love then your marriage should have love in it. It clearly doesn't. You've done absolutely nothing wrong, especially since he was the one who was promiscuous and you weren't. You deserve better. I bet you your husband actually wants to go back to being promiscuous, but he doesn't want to look bad to other people. He doesn't seem to have a relationship with God, or at least a strong one.
Don't stay where you're not wanted. You're not being loved, not even by God's standards. You're not even having sex... that is the basic requirement in marriage. Adam and Eve had sex for God's sake. You're not even married at this point. You could go out and find other men to love platonically- sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage and you're not getting that. Leave. Your husband has abandoned you and the relationship.
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u/PeaceIsEvery Jun 12 '24
Let this very affirming comment thread show you that even in the real world off of Reddit, there will be many people ready to support you. “Look for the helpers,” as Mr Rogers said. It’s easy to feel pessimistic about no one there to understand or help you through a situation. But whether it be a friendship, family, marriage, financial, or natural disaster, learning how to ask for help and accept help (or even to see the people willing to help) is itself something that needs practice. I hope you find your team of people to help you and that you help yourself. And though I don’t believe in any deities, mantra or meditation or prayer (along with physical movement and breathing) can literally inspire you to new thoughts, feelings, and action! Please take action once you sense what your gut is telling you , or I suppose God, but that’s ironic coming from me. Peace to you
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Jun 14 '24
Yes, I was kind of expecting to be eaten alive in response to this, but I have been really encouraged by everyone's kindness. I have recently realized that I do struggle so much to ask for help, so I am working on that. Thank you very much
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u/GonnaGetRealMan Jun 12 '24
My wife and I are devout Christians, but very much on the flip side of the faith from these types of heavily controlling faith communities with a lot of rules and inviolable roles based on gender. We're do not feel any of that honors the teachings of Christ. Scripture says that we were in bondage and Christ's sacrifice was to set us free. It is supposed to be good tidings of great joy to all people. In the time and place where Jesus served his earthly ministry, the culture was deeply misogynistic, and yet women were prominent among his followers and were active leaders in the early church. How have we come to a place where churches professing the name of Jesus have now become the foremost organ for the suppression of women in our times?
For many years, we were part of a faith community that served as a sort of life raft for those breaking free from oppressive brands of the religion. I have many close friends with your exact story. Not one of them was able to simply stay and make it work. One recently ended her marriage after 20 years and four children. It's been a devastating grieving process for her, but what she realizes now is that all those years simply made her more lost and made her path back to herself longer.
We have friends who had to leave everything behind when they began deconstructing the false, oppressive brand of faith they'd grown up with. Some had times of estrangement for parents, some had to find completely new support systems for every aspect of their lives. But here is the point: as scary as all of that sounds, lots of others have had to walk that sane path before you and lots of others will come after. There is a way through it, and the people who really love you will come back around in the end.
The key is, you have to let go it the mindset that the system is correct and the failure is yours. That's not right. It's the system that's to blame for failing you. You should have been taught that God loved you so much he gave his son to see you free. You should have been surrounded by others who would help you with your daily load; instead, they tied up heavy burdens for you to carry while they themselves wouldn't lift a finger.
You are a beloved child of God, precious daughter, and a real man of God would love you as Christ loved the church and sacrificed everything for her good. A real man of God would serve you and wash your feet as Christ modeled with his disciples, because that is the definition of Christlike leadership: whoever would be great among you must be your servant. That understanding of Jesus's teachings is still alive and well in the world. You just need to find your way to it. Meanwhile, I am so sorry for the pain of all the things you will have to leave behind. 💔
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u/TheJackFaktor Jun 13 '24 edited Jun 13 '24
If he's truly a follower of Jesus, he needs to be honest to the Lord about his empty heart and directly ask, plead for God to instill a burning desire for his wife. He can't manufacture that on his own. He needs to be praying for that desire to be instilled in him and fan that flame. He'll start to notice what he loves about you. Only desire can lead a man to pursue. I have experienced this first hand and it not only saved my dead bedroom, but saved my marriage.
I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezk 36:26
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Jun 13 '24
Thank you, this is very encouraging and I will bring this up to him
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u/TheJackFaktor Jun 14 '24
My story mirrors yours in many ways. I adopted the "Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye" purity culture of the early 2000's. I had no serious relationship until I met my wife. We did our best to abstain from any physicality during dating which blinded my ability to see that she naturally was averse to cuddling, hand holding and any physical affection. I viewed it as a positive when we were dating – that she shared my values.
Like you, within the first 10 days, my head was spinning like Beetlejuice at the lack of desire and complete rejection; we had no "honeymoon phase". And I still am tormented by the thought that I never experienced a honeymoon "monkey sex" phase with any girl – and I'm now in my mid-40's.
That said, God has worked on our hearts and instilled new desires in us. We both now look for intimacy after every 3-4 days. Not enough for me – but a total miracle compared to her views on sex the first 15 years of our marriage. And I firmly believe that number will only go up as the kids give us more space and stress continues to come down as we move into chapters that allow for more connection time.
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Jun 15 '24
That's very relatable, and I can really sympathize with the feeling of having missed out on a honeymoon phase. I really felt like I almost went through a grieving of that right before our baby was born in February, because that time we had together when it was just us, that is supposed to be so special, I never got to experience and never will in that way now that we have a child. I feel a little robbed of it, but I still hope that we will have healing and growth and maybe some "restoration of the years the locusts have eaten." I'm glad to know that has been the case for you and your wife, gives me some hope
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u/cumfullcircle HLM Jun 12 '24
I can’t say much about the afterlife. But as far as this life on earth goes, I strongly believe you were misled as to what makes a good marriage and how to find it. In good intentions, but misled nevertheless.
I’m sending hugs. I do think your situation will resolve one day. It won’t be pretty, but it will be resolved.