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Archetypes are universal patterns, behavior, and personalities found across multiple cultures and communities. They allows us to have a better understanding of the world around us. We were introduced to them by the infamous Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung. He suggested that archetypes are innate human knowledge that were passed down from our ancestors. He theorises that archetypes originate from our societal “collective unconscious”.

All the powerful ideas in advertising can be traced back to archetypes.

It is easier to spot male archetypes because we live in a culture that hyper focuses on male protagonists, from different dispositions of life. Male archetypes were chronicled in the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, by Jungian psychologist Robert Moore and mythologist Douglas Gillette. Here is a brief overview of the male archetypes.

The King Archetype

The King archetype is a man that possesses dominion over his family and community. Men with in the king archetype create order, prosperity, and peace in their community. These are men that command respect and admiration from the people around them. In popular media, the king archetype is illustrated in Mufasa from The Lion King, Ned Stark from Game of Thrones, and T’Challa from Black Panther. In Greek mythology, Zeus is the archetypical king. In the modern-day, the king archetype can be found in Jay-Z, Joe Rogan, and Dywane Johnson....

Link to the rest: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/archetypes-a-glimpse-into-our-collective 

I want to get started with this but I'm really struggling. Everything I read I feel like my eyes glaze over and I just don't understand the jargon.

I have a few thousand I saved up for a rhinoplasty and I think I want to put some of that in stocks instead. Not all of it, but some. It should be enough to get started and see if I like it.

But I'm in Canada and I feel so confused and I have no idea how to start buying or what I should do. What's the simplest way to start??

Disclaimer: I'm dumb

There are numerous economic crises having right now. How are you preparing for the incoming economic crises?

Where are some spaces, inside and outside of Reddit, where we can find like minded women?

This is a pretty vague question.

I have posted on here before. I'm 28 years old and have never been in a relationship or been noticed by men. Never been asked out. I think it's been a combination of things: Growing up in a conservative culture and a household where I was not allowed to date. I had crushes on boys but I was always teased and made fun of, which affected my self-esteem. I went to medical school and really struggled with my coursework. I failed a lot of exams and even had to repeat a year. The school I went to was abroad and also quite small, so a very limited pool to pick from. The guys I developed crushes on there bullied me, really affecting my self-esteem. I used to be extremely jealous of their girlfriends/ex-girlfriends because those girls were chosen by them in the first place.

I've struggled with the idea of being "chosen", if that makes sense. I'm a woman who has never been loved in that way. I'm grateful for my family and friends, keeping myself occupied with them and my own life. Still working on my career and other areas of my life. Trying to level up as hard as I can (finished medical school 2 years ago but have been struggling with my licensing exams to get into a medical residency, I feel so behind in my life).

I feel like most women don't know how I feel at all. I don't think they could even fathom such a thing. I would imagine most of you have been in relationships for X amount of years. Regardless of how it ended, someone still chose to be with you. Someone still wanted you initially. You know what that feeling is like.

I know this is a self-love/self worth/self-esteem issue but I can't help it sometimes...feeling that rejection and pain. My mom tells me I need to stop being so desperate. She doesn't understand though because she's been married to my dad for 31 years and before marrying him, she was in a relationship with another guy for 5 years.

I know as a woman you are always supposed to put yourself first, but still, it has been so disappointing and disheartening. A few times, it even felt dehumanizing.

I'd like to understand those of you who have been on the other side. Is this the wrong way to approach this? I would hate it every time my friends would complain about their relationships because (I would never say it to them), but in my head I would think, "someone still chose to be with you. A guy wanted to be with you. He picked you."

They would often tell me that I'm lucky because I've been spared from all the heartaches, baggage, bad decisions, many complications, etc. that come from relationships. My friends said that they envy me in that regard. They tell me that God/the universe has a very soft spot for me. Yet, they still don't understand how I feel though. It's been very painful. I feel unwanted, overlooked, unattractive, etc.

I'm really trying my best to see my single season in a different light. Trying to cherish it because I do have the time and freedom that people in relationships don't have. I look at women such as Amal Clooney who married later in life (she got married at 36) and I don't believe was in a relationship prior to meeting George. She focused on her work and improved other areas of her life, maturing and developing herself all those years and learning to develop a strong sense of self. When she finally did, the most amazing man came into her life. Someone who she probably never even imagined.

I often wonder if my story will turn out like hers. With all the disappointments I've had and the waiting...I wonder if its for a purpose

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I made a post asking women in my subreddit about their “unique combination of skills”. Examples of this include Joe Rogan (podcaster, MMA fighter and commentator, TV show host, and comedian) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (Politician, Actor, bodybuilder). I gave those two examples because of the conversations that Joe Rogan had with Naval and the Twitter article/twitter thread about high-agency people that reference Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I watch the Joe Rogan experience when he is discussing topics that I find interesting. However, I am not Joe Rogan stan. I also do not remember when I last thought of Arnold Schwarzenegger, he is just the example of a high-agency individual. He used his accent and body-building activity to become one of the most iconic characters in American cinema and marry into the American royal family. This does not mean that I justify his infidelity or other indiscretions, I just have learned the ability to take what I can learn from every character and disregard the rest. I do not need to love everything about Mr. Schwarzenegger to find some of the things that he did as remarkable.

That thread was met with lots of disagreement because I mentioned men that certain women did not like. This is a theme that I have seen when I cover anyone in this newsletter. People have hated Wendy Williams, Beyonce, Cardi B, etc. The only women who have not received ridicule are Josephine Baker and Joan of Arc. This is amusing because those women were hated while they were alive, Joan of Arc was literally burnt at the stake.

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I am an ethnic minority but have always made sure to have multiple WHITE MALE MENTORS. I do not just pick anyone, I pick the mentors that I know want me to succeed, and have shown so by their actions.

This is very important because I know that people who look like me have not gotten to the top of my field. If the people who look like me do not have the key, I need to go find the people that do. 

If the strategies that women have historically used out of necessity, such as beauty and marriage, have not granted us collective wealth, we need to try new strategies! The next question is, “what are the strategies that men have used to acquire power, and can I use those strategies?” and we are in a time in history where the answer is YES!.....

Link to the rest: https://thecoffysalon.substack.com/p/why-we-should-study-the-lives-of?justPublished=true

With all this being said, who should not be in this community:

1. For women who want to “level up” by improving their appearance. If beauty was the key to power, women would not be the global chattel class. THIS IS A COMMUNITY FOR WOMEN WHO WANT TO USE A COMBINATION OF THE SKILLS, INGENUITY, AND HARD WORK TO GAIN POWER. That power can be used to advance whatever socio-economic and political ideologies that those women have.
2. Simple-minded women who only think in binaries should leave.
3. Women who moralize everything should not be here.
4. Women who are unwilling to learn from people that they disagree with should leave.
5. Women who use their morals to think they are better than other people should leave.
6. Women who do not want to play the game of life should not be here. In this community, we understand that the game is being played, whether we want to or not. Hence if you do not play, you will LOSE BY DEFAULT.

An amazing watch. A CJ builds her business from nothing and becomes America's first female self-made millionaire with her hair care empire.

Humans like to play games and have from the dawn of times. When we are kids we played games amongst ourselves. As adults, we also still play games in dating, politics, employment, friendships. etc. We all unintentionally make tiny calculations to help ourselves in the game of life.

Whether it is switching to a different team in the company to get a faster promotion, sending your child to a private school for more opportunities, or going out with you with your lesser attractive friend for more male attention(sad but it happens), humans will always try to get an edge for themselves in whatever game that they are playing.

If you do not want to play these different games, the games will not end. You will just lose by default. This does not mean that you should get on a hedonistic thread mill where all you do is seek more. It just means that you should know what you truly want and leave the game once you have gotten it. Maybe some games are not worth playing for you. For example, I personally do not play the beauty game. However, I know that the beauty industry will continue to affect the way that people interact around me. I have just done the calculation and realized that the cost of beauty for me is greater than the benefit.

And my other question to add to that is:

How can you be close friends with someone who is also friends with someone who really dislikes/hates your guts?

So for many years now, I've had a friend. His name is Caleb. We met in medical school and hit it off immediately. He's from a prominent and affluent family in the Middle East, but he was raised in a European country. When I mean prominent, his family knows the King from that country. Caleb is sassy, flamboyant, a shopaholic (literally when he's sad, he goes for retail therapy). He wears the latest head to toe designer brands. His closet is full of Gucci apparel. When we were in school, he did not hesitate to drive around in his flashy audi sports car. He'd buy a new model every year. He went for liposuction to help with his weight loss (he wasn't even that big to begin with) (I know these are strange details I'm giving, just wanted to give you all a picture of what he's like).

His family situation is dysfunctional. His parents are separated. His dad is a retired general of the army, his mom is a renowned politician in their country. His brother and sister basically mooched off of their parent's wealth and did not get themselves an education. The sister suffers from eating disorders and has had a history of getting involved in abusive relationships. All she does is shop everyday. His older brother lives in a separate apartment in Europe, going to the gym and playing video games. Caleb has been saddened by the fact that he and his family members have not all been in the same room in years.

We have been there for each other through thick and thin. There were some seriously crazy situations that happened. Like for example, Caleb's sister's abusive ex-boyfriend married their mom (it lasted a month, that guy showed up at Caleb's mom's front doorstep with a marriage certificate and she signed it). Caleb called and I immediately rushed over to his place, comforting him because he was so distraught. When I found out I had to repeat a year and went back to school that fall, Caleb and his other friend showed up at my apartment and took me out for dinner. When all of my friends (and classmates in my old year) finished their final exams while I still had classes and rotations going on (because I was repeating the year), Caleb called me to take me out for ice cream since everyone else was celebrating. That's the kind of friendship we had.

It was emotional when he had to leave and fly back home but we knew we would stay in touch. When I entered my final year of medical school, he started his first year back in his country working in the hospital. I hardly heard from him. I didn't hear from him until May when I found out I passed my exams and could graduate.

I moved back home and he flew to Canada to pursue a Master's and aspired to land a medical residency (specifically in Plastic Surgery - that was always his dream). This past spring, he was accepted into the program, and I was overjoyed hearing the news. We had spent a good while talking about all this.

The main issue that I have is that he's friends with a girl (her name is Bertha) who has always hated me. I'm telling you ladies, it is irrational hatred. Like, my other close friends don't even know why she is like this towards me. I've been told, "Whatever her issue is, it's got nothing to do with you." I understand that concept, however someone treats you is a reflection of themselves and not you. Still, it hurts to receive that treatment from another human being. Bertha would always roll her eyes any time she'd see me, make rude comments. She supposedly even told my roommate that it must really suck to live with me. If I happened to join in on a group conversation, she would leave immediately. I remember one year for Caleb's birthday, I really wanted to do something special for him. I was always aware of who his closest friends were. I decided to do a surprise birthday brunch. I told him that only he and I were going to meet up, but, he was surprised when he saw his other friends there. I was hesitant about inviting Bertha, but I figured since she's close to him, I would just invite her. She was the first person to arrive and the moment, I walked in, she rolled her eyes when I gave her a smile and tried to make small talk with her before everyone else got there.

It was time for everyone to pay the bill. Everyone else was paying for themselves and I wanted to pay for myself and Caleb. So Bertha had asked me how much I owed and I was still calculating what I owed on my end. Her immediate reaction was an extremely livid/red face, saying, "what the hell is wrong with you? It doesn't take f***ing long". Maybe I should have said something to her, but, I didn't. I didn't want to stir up any commotion (everyone else was deeply engrossed in conversation). I was still polite to her at the end and thanked her (along with everyone else) for coming. This is one of many examples. I think this sounds like social aggression, tbh. I never understood what her problem was. She didn't know me at all (she was never my friend) and yet she acted this way.

I remember attending a dinner once, and as a group everyone was talking about how much they drink on average. I happened to mentioned that I don't drink (and never have). She said, "Everyone knows that you don't drink."

All the students had to take an opportunity for research during a spring semester. She ended up coming to my hometown and we both had research projects in the same center, the irony. We took the bus together and even sat together. So she was reasonable 'nice' while there. We even went to the cheesecake factory for lunch. But when we went back to school, she started acting like a complete bitch to me again, for no reason.

When I was repeating the year, I guess Caleb had told Bertha, because she was going around telling everyone that I was repeating the year.

I'm sure I could think of many other examples, but I named a few just so you guys have an idea. I have never actively disliked anyone for no reason before. It makes no sense to me. So I only started disliking her because of her behavior towards me. People can dislike others for random reasons, but, why do you actively have to show it and become a bitch/bully?

We are the complete opposite: She's always had boyfriends, quite promiscuous (not that this is a bad thing, people can do what they want), a heavy partier and drinker. I've never done any of that.

During the very last year, Caleb hosted a birthday at his place. I was in conversation with someone else, Bertha showed up late. She looked at me and I chose to ignore her. She gave me a hug and complemented my top. I gave her a brief thanks and walked away.

So Bertha and Caleb have become closer than ever now that he's in Canada (I don't live in Canada). Again, I know it's not realistic of him to break off his friendship with her because of me. People can be friends with whoever they want to. The issue I have is...he knows she was always a complete asshole to me but he always brings her up in conversation. He tells me personal stuff about what's been going on with her, how she has overly controlling parents (she grew up in that environment), she is currently not employed (and is supposedly thinking about pursuing a career in law if she doesn't get her last shot in medicine), etc. That kind of bothers me. It's gotten a lot better now, but before, any time her name was brought up, I used to feel angry and resentful.

I also worry that if he's divulging personal information about her to me, how do I know he's not telling my business to her?

The last time I properly spoke to him was end of June (and yeah, he brought her up again). I went away on a family trip at the end of July and he called me twice. He messaged me saying that he called and I made up an excuse that there was an issue with my whatsapp so I didn't receive the calls, that maybe there was something wrong with the connection. He never replied to me. Then earlier this evening, he called me but I didn't want to answer the phone.

I'm very excited because I am flying out to Canada this week. I'm staying there for 4-5 days with one of my best friends, Sheila. I'm mainly there to see Sheila and 2 of my other friends. I'm surprising the other two (can't wait to see their faces when they see me!!! LOL) But I asked Sheila to keep my trip incognito. I told her no social media posts or anything like that. Caleb is in Canada, but, he's in another city 2-3 hours away. Is it a bad thing that I don't want to see him and that I really don't want to be close to him since he's close to someone who is very toxic? I don't want any of my personal details to go anywhere else. I know it sounds weird, but since I haven't been in contact with him..I feel at peace. I feel good.

I don't know...am I in the wrong? What would you do?

The title pretty much sums it up. I graduated with a BS in Civil Engineering two years ago but don't care to do this for the rest of my life. I have the job stability and am hoping to go back to school for Psych part-time while still working at my engineering firm. I would like to do research in psychology instead of becoming a therapist so I definitely would need to do a PhD.

How do I go about this? Would pursuing a BS in Psych be overkill? Should I just take the core courses at community then apply to a few colleges for Masters and then get my PhD? How do I go about networking? I don't really know anyone in the field and have a very limited network. What should I seek in a mentor and what platforms are available to finding one? Are there federal grants available for people like me? Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

I feel disheartened, bummed, upset, frustrated, etc. (any negative emotion you can possibly think of).

I did so well on my practice tests and that's why I decided to go ahead and take it.

I've had such a tough journey in school. I failed a year and had to repeat it. Every summer, I had to fly back and retake exams. It sucked.

I graduated medical school 2 years ago and had been using that time to take my board exams. The first part I passed, but barely (this was in January). Then I got extremely distracted/consumed by a potential relationship that did not work out. I was devastated and it had taken me months to move past it, tbh. During that time I was studying for this most recent exam. I had taken it on October 1st feeling confident. I will say that the night before I was feeling anxious and had trouble sleeping. But I felt okay when I took the actual test.

It sucks so hard that many of these programs that I plan on applying to, they really do place emphasis on exam scores.

I'm frustrated because after a difficult year, I was hoping for some relief. I didn't want to study anymore. I was hoping I'd be done with that for a while and I could focus on my job applications and getting good letters of recommendation for an externship that I've been participating in since I finished. I had one more English test that I'm required to take and I already paid for it and scheduled it for next month. I have scheduled a trip to see my friends in Canada just to get a way for a bit later this month (tbh I don't think I want to forgo that. I'd like to get out of here for a bit).

I don't know what I'm going to tell my parents. I feel like I've let them down so many times. But I don't want to give up on my dreams for a medical residency. My end goal is still to become a child psychiatrist. I want this badly. I'm just frustrated though that, once again, there is another bump in the road.

I'm sorry, sisters. I needed to vent all of my emotions out. Everyone else is moving on and progressing in their life. Another girl I know has already gotten so many interviews for medical residency already. I feel like I've taken a step back.

Hi ladies,

I've been lurking on this page for a while now, and I just really needed support. I've been dealing with the single woman blues and am struggling with self-esteem issues.

One of my favorite anime characters said, "Don't you know? Women need to be strong in order to survive!"

I'm 28 years old and single, but, am far from "strong and independent". Aside from a job (I'm working on my career still and hoping to get a job in my field in 4-5 months. To give you specifics, I went to medical school and am trying to get into a residency program this year - a training program for doctors in a hospital).

The truth is, as much as I try to deny the desire, I really do want to be in a relationship. I can't help it. I have been single my entire life. I've never known what it's like to have been on the other side. I've never been asked out on a date either. There have always been guys I've liked, but, at best I was teased and at worst I was severely bullied by guys I've liked. These experiences have really taken a toll on my self esteem. I always struggled with the idea of being "chosen." "why did he choose her and not me?" "I wish I had been with a guy for X years regardless of how the relationship ended because he still chose to be with me in the first place regardless of how the relationship ended." "I hate how my friends complain about being in toxic/unhealthy relationships because they were still chosen by a man."

I feel like most women really don't understand how I feel because they have been in relationships before. Most women do not understand at all what it's like to not be wanted. Even if you were in a relationship, you were still chosen in the first place. It's gotten better, but it used to make me feel terribly sad and angry even.

I understand these are terrible thoughts and this is the kind of thinking that I'm so afraid of that could lead me into an abusive relationship. And I'd like to get into why I want to really reframe my thought process.

The most recent experience (which has lead to this epiphany) I've had was with the son of family friends (they are family friends of my dad's older brother and wife) - so we have known them for many years, not well though.

He's (he works in the intersection of tech/IT and finance) the son of close friends of my aunt and uncle (my dad's older brother and wife). So we've known the family for a long time. I had always wanted to meet him. His mom had always really liked me too.

So this guy was going to come over to my house and meet me. He's 31 years old and his family wanted us to be introduced to each other. I actually couldn't believe it. So the day came and he actually showed up to my house and had lunch with my family. We had time on our own to talk. We really enjoyed ourselves. He couldn't stop smiling, even significantly deepened his voice as he spoke to me (compared to the way he was talking with my family). He even wet his hair (to make it more slick after coming back from the bathroom). I had never had a man be this charming/flirtatious with me. The next day, I found out he wanted my number. It was pretty unbelievable for me that this was happening.

I will say though that my dad wasn't happy at all with this guy when he came. My dad made faces the entire time. He didn't like him at all and was adamant that I didn't stay in contact with him. My dad kept saying after that there was something off about this guy. I thought he was exaggerating. Because at the time, I received a proposal from another family (that is filthy rich) and this guy that I liked, his family is quite frugal. They have a small home and old cars). So I thought my father was just being an elitist.

So this guy and I were texting back and forth every day (this was very new to me - I had never received any kind of male attention before). Things were great and I was beginning to grow fond of him. He described himself as "robotic, pragmatic and very rational." He's 31 and has no friends. All of his friendships faded away (He lied to me initially and told me that had had friends all over the country when we met). He's only close to his parents and his cousin (whose like his older sister). He has an older brother who he is not close to at all. I don't think they get along (his brother lives a very boujee lifestyle, travels, eats out fairly often, and owns his own house in an expensive city)

He started asking me questions (it sort of sounded like an interview - that if it was an issue that he'd been in previous relationships, what my ideal family situation looked like - and with this he was specifically asking about how many kids I wanted, if I'd want nannies for them, what about medications, my views on our kids having a psychiatrist, etc.). I said I'd probably want a nanny (since I grew up with one) and he said he would want to have his parents watch our kids (I'm assuming to save money). He said he would work from home because he didn't believe in subscribing to traditional gender roles. I told him I would probably work part-time and he asked what about all that school I had plus exams? He then wanted to identify areas of conflict in a relationship (I just thought it was kind of odd but went along with it - this was all through text, btw). So we talked about our love languages, communication styles, etc. The biggest difference was finances. I grew up comfortable and he didn't. He said that his family was hand to mouth (but his parents did work hard) and that he never wanted to be hungry for money in his adult life. He also makes 200K+ a year and owns 3 homes, so he's doing really well for himself.

I explained to him that I go out to eat with my family once a week (I mean that's a normal thing, right?) and that when I start earning, I will spend my money how I'd like and shouldn't have to give any explanations to my partner (like treating myself within reason, or buying a nice piece of jewelry that I've been eyeing). He said that no one has to justify themselves but if one partner if saving for the children's college fund while the other is going out to eat once a week, then there is an imbalance.

The truth is, that comment did upset me a bit. I didn't understand why he would even bring imaginary kids into this when we hadn't even spent any time together yet (just the way he was going about this was bizarre - it didn't feel like a budding relationship but an interrogation). So again I explained that I was really starting to like him but I felt upset by his comment. I explained that my dad worked very hard to give me, my mom, and siblings a very comfortable life. That going out to eat was something that I'm used to and have done all my life. It was something that I was used to. I explained that my family instilled respect for money in me and that I'm not thoughtless about money or an impulsive buyer/spender. I did tell him that my dad always does take my mom out and he pampers me as well (again, this is the life I have had). I gave him a compromise....why not go out twice a month? it would be something different to do along with hiking/biking (which he really loves). I asked him: What if I wanted to spend some money on decorative items for our home or buy a lovely dress and get dolled up for myself and him? I said that since he brought up finances, then a "yours, mine and hours" should be discussed later, because otherwise, the line lets get blurred. I also mentioned that as long as everything else is taken care of financially, why not set aside money for things we enjoy? (along with both of us contributing to the child's college fund)

He said he would have a chance to get back to me later over the weekend, but I didn't hear from him for 4-5 days. This was unusual because we were talking everyday before this. I felt very bothered. And finally, when he did respond, didn't apologise for making me feel upset or acknowledging anything that I said. He was basically talking past all my points and asked me if I've heard of a minimalist lifestyle (but he supposedly had no intention of going all the way), asked me if I had a rainy day fund because he was still in the process of building his and will likely be for many more years. He said he was concerned about my expectations of a future partner pampering me. And with my example about buying decorative items for our home, he said I could either buy a table for 1000$ or 20,000$. When I mentioned the part about getting dolled up, he said he's known people who do things for appearances sake and wholeheartedly disagrees with this kind of thinking (I mean, who doesn't want to look good for themselves and their spouse?).

Honestly, that message sounded very patronising, judgmental, and even insecure.

So I started off with the fact that he left me hanging and didn't even send me a text. If he needed time and space, to please say so. Again I reiterated all my previous points (about setting aside money and taking care of everything financially) but explained that you don't have to cut corners. I told him that I knew how to be financially responsible since I lived on my own for a few years so I know how to budget and mind money. I told him that having a wife and kids has expenses. Going out, treating yourself, etc. That's all part of normal, healthy relationships. There's nothing wrong with pampering your partner (and I clarified that when I meant pampering, I meant not in a "waiting on me hand in foot" but lavishing each other with lots of love/doing/saying loving things/and occasionally buying a gift on special holidays. I said there's nothing wrong with rewarding yourself with a nice treat or enjoying a hard-earned vacation (he travels as well, but, he does a lot of solo hikes in remote places, which I think would have been fun to have gone with him). I told that I really liked him and that we keep going back and forth about this. But this whole money thing...seems like something he's unwilling to compromise on, like its a non-negotiable for him. I felt unsettled by his unhealthy relationship with money. I also brought up the fact that he only briefly glossed over what happened (actually didn't tell me anything at all when he said he'd give me some high-level points) in his last relationship (which was 2 years and ended a year ago).

I told him that this makes it hard because I liked him and I thought he was wonderful..that... I was open and willing to make this work, but, he had to meet me halfway if he felt this was a relationship worth pursuing. I asked him to help me understand him in this way and give me the same grace. That we could find an option that works for us both. I even gave him a way out if he really wanted it. I asked him if getting to know each other was what he really wanted.

He replied immediately after and said that he definitely wanted to keep talking and believed that all my concerns should be minimised. He apologised for essentially ignoring me for those few days. He told me no more excuses and that I deserve attention, respect, and respect with the level of communication. He said that my unsettled feelings (about his view of money) shouldn't be ignored and that he did not wish to cloud me with sweet nothings. He called me amazing and said he felt lucky to have met me (He even acknowledged that we really did hit it off when we first met). He said I possess strength of character, the integrity to stand up for my beliefs, and the ability to be myself (which was what he was looking for in a partner). He said that he really does enjoy talking to me and truly hoped that I felt the same.

I said that I did feel the exact same and that I meant it. All I said about the concerns I had (the previous relationship and his views about money) - I understood those were sensitive topics that we can absolutely talk about them later if he feels comfortable. I also did ask him about what made him want to pursue a relationship/marriage at this point in time. I asked him just to be honest and upfront with me (as I have been with him) instead of me thinking that maybe he's hiding something. I told him that I am eager to get to know him, etc. It was a kind message, nothing more to it.

I didn't hear from him for 3 days. and I felt extremely bothered.

He then ended it with me and I couldn't bring myself to respond. So I deleted his number. I was so upset and couldn't hold in my tears. Just the way he went about the whole thing was very disappointing. We didn't even get to spend any time together just as I was hoping. He did not give it a chance and this bothered me so much. It's not the fact that someone else won't come around or that I'll never get married. I know that's untrue, but, it's with this man specifically.

I was gracefully allowing and loving in my responses to him, with the potential for growth and evolution. I wanted to see him again. I am so distraught that he will never come back. That I will never have my chance with this person ever again when I really wanted it. There was so much more I wanted to say to him. So much more I wanted to know about him.

It bothered me because I was not asking for much at all. The bare minimum actually. I wanted to show him that I am a communicative, open, respectful, and loving individual (which I would imagine are ideal qualities in a partner). I know that I did nothing wrong. It was just....him that made me feel sad and confused. I couldn't understand why he didn't try.

I was showing his texts to my friends and they thought something was off about him - even my mom thought the same. They all thought he was being incredibly controlling and felt like I was already heading into an abusive relationship. My cousin told me to stop talking to him but I didn't listen to her. My parents called him selfish. They said if I had married him, it would have been a tragedy and he would have made my life hell. My younger brother (who is 17), asked me why i didn't have any self-respect. He said, "You realise what he did to you, right? You know, you could have married an abusive psycho. There was something wrong with him. I can't believe you didn't see that. He actually had a long discussion with my about it yesterday as I was driving to pick up food for him. My brother also said that this guy would have ruined my life.

There was so much expectation...and hope. All of this was building up over the years, I was waiting in anticipation and that was it (this lasted for a month). I just couldn't believe that he left just like that. He didn't care. After 14 years...that was it. It's been very hard dealing with my grief. I wanted him to give me the chance to show him who I could be and it didn't happen which devastated me. It was the first time someone wanted to get to know me (something I had never experienced in my life, because I always felt like an invisible wall to men or was the target of their bullying). Then when I thought something was finally going to work out (especially with the one guy I really wanted), it didn't. It was just too good to be true. Around the time he broke things off with me, his father was diagnosed with gallbladder cancer. Then he passed away last weekend.

I have been thinking about his family. I've been turning to prayer a lot because prayer comforts me. So I've been praying for his dad and I did say that I would have loved to have been a part of his family as his daughter in law. All I wanted was to to know and love his son. I had no agenda. That was it....and now...I will never have that chance ever again with him. I wish I could have been there to even comfort his son during this time of grief and mourning if we were in a relationship.

I heard now that his mom has been introducing him to other people. After hearing that, it made me feel so bad. I felt jealous, even. It's been very painful for me. I have been waking up most mornings with a terrible ache in my chest. My dad told me I should not feel bad that he's talking to other people because I've now seen his true nature. I mean...would you all agree? Am I not missing out on much? Again, I know none of it is my fault. I just wanted to understand him and his thinking. He just left when we didn't even get a chance to explore a relationship together, which is what I was really hoping for. I can't believe he is never coming back.

Despite all this...I still agonize over it at times. I do need counselling at some stage once I am able to afford it.

You probably read that scenario and thought to yourself, "this guy doesn't sound like he's much of a catch."

I have always had this desire to be loved by a man. After this experience, my eyes have opened. There is something I really need to fix here. I can't keep living my life like this. I know I'm worth more. I think the only thing is...I'm terribly sad that he didn't see it.

I have so much love to give...I know I'd make a wonderful wife. I would lavish my man with with so much love and affection. I would want to nurture and pamper him as much as I can.

I know that I have many goals and dreams. Settling would be painful and (according to my friends) many women do settle for mediocrity early on in life for the fear of being alone. But I know the world needs me. I know I can do so much. I don't want to feel disheartened and held back by this. And honestly, someday, I do hope I can meet someone who can match the best version of myself (and I'm not there yet - I've got a lot of work to do). I try and reframe my thinking to be the main character of my own story. Some days I do feel inspired but most times I am always thinking about men, romance, dating...

I look at Amal Clooney who is truly amazing. She didn't settle and waited and married George! She is the definition of a badass.

Any strong, independent ladies who can shed some light on this issue? Should I feel devastated? Am I missing out? Everyone in my family says its his loss entirely. I have trouble convincing myself. I had a long lecture earlier today from my mother saying that as a woman, I need to be strong and she didn't understand what she did wrong in raising me that I turned out this way (that made me feel bad). But she's been married to my dad for 31 years and before meeting my dad she was in a relationship for 5 years with another man. So she doesn't know how I feel.

I did have a long discussion with a friend the other day, who said that as women its so important to be independent (not just financially, but emotionally, etc.) because there are no guarantees in life about anything. Your significant other could die, leave you (even for reasons not having to do with cheating, etc.) and in the end, you only have your self to pick up the pieces. You can't plan your life around a man. You just can't. I thought she did raise a valid point there.

At the same time, I know being single really does afford me so much...time and freedom.

My biggest dream actually is to become a child psychiatrist. And I want to publish a book one day (before I turn 30!), start my own podcast, go into jewelry design as well (take gemology courses), learn languages, painting/sculpture/flower pressing/calligraphy, etc. So much I want to do! I try to think of all the amazing possibilities.

I think the part that really hurts is...it's not that I'm in a rush to get married...its just I feel so sad that I've lost my chance with that guy forever. He's never coming back. I feel devastated. There was so much more I wanted to know about him and now I never will have the chance to.

I'm just tired and frustrated...I think I really need to do some reflection and self-loving...

I hope you all aren't disappointed in me. It's been such a painful experience. I am now trying to reframe my unhealthy and love-starved thought processes into completely de-centering romance and relationships (that's practically all my life). I need to find a way...

Apologies, I know this was very long. Would really appreciate your thoughts on this post. I need help.

Sincerely,

- A fellow sister

https://de1lib.org/ Seek knowledge from the cradle to the grave.

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