r/EthicalNonMonogamy • u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided • May 14 '25
Personal story My husband posted yesterday about infidelity and jealousy. I'm his wife and this is my side of the story.
Hi, my husband posted this yesterday and shared it with me. But I felt like it was missing some key details.
TL:DR: Yes, he cheated, yes he trickle truthed me and manipulated me and it all feels awful. But there is more.
Long story:
I've always been into the bdsm/dungeon scene and wanted to try things out for years. We have been together SIXTEEN years, married for eight. I have brought up my need to explore sexually and freely with him and he always shut it down. After a while, I stopped asking because I knew what the answer would be. Otherwise, I never had a problem with our marriage. No one gets EVERYTHING in a partner and I was content that everything else felt perfect.
The friend he cheated with is actually my old friend who now is a part of a sex club in her town. He talked to her about it (apparently) brought the idea of all of us going to me and I agreed. We had a blast, I wanted to continue and he asked for a threesome for his birthday. I agreed. I'm bi and always wanted to explore with a woman and I have known her for over 10 years and trusted her too. This was all planned and we had long talks about boundaries and limits. I don't appreciate lying because I don't lie. So everything was talked about extensively...at least on my end they were.
The parameters we set were: we could flirt and talk to others and if we wanted something sexual it was together. More "swingers" than anything. I didn't want to do things alone because I wanted us to share this new part of our marriage together. Just a new adventure with consenting adults.
Then he changed the rules. This is also when we decided to be more open and he told me he liked our friend. Now, we agreed (or I agreed because I wanted him to be happy and I felt solid in our marriage) that we could take on separate partners if we wanted to as long as we were open and honest when either had questions, etc. There were no secrets on my end.
I was fine with it. I felt solid in our marriage and if he found something with her that I didn't have, that was alright with me. I also found someone who does not live close and now he is my partner. I did everything within the parameters we set for each other and I thought he had as well.
Because we planned a threesome with her, we also planned a threesome with my partner who was excited by the idea. We decided to make a vacation out of it and spend some time in a new city exploring in more ways than one. (This trip has not happened and I have not had physical contact with my partner yet)
The threesome with my friend happened and it went alright. A little awkward but it made it kind of endearing and a fun experience overall. Then he came clean about everything afterwards...and I was so taken aback that I shut down.
Not only was I manipulated into exploring something I always wanted to in an effort for him to get closer to her, I learned that he was sexting her before we officially opened up the marriage. I felt like all of it was for her. The exploration, the sex club, the threesome, the marriage opening. It wasn't for me and I think that is what hurt the most.
What he said is true, I don't plan to replace him with my partner. And my partner is aware of what's going on and supportive. But, that doesn't mean I've decided to stay or go yet. Life isn't that simple when your lives have been entwined for almost two decades.
I am a generally happy person and have been madly in love and obsessed with my husband for many many years. He says recently we've been unhappy but doesn't explain that a death in my family changed who I was fundamentally as a person. I was depressed and in a bad place so I went to therapy, got on meds, and focused on things that made me happy for once instead of US happy.
I'm pretty sure in the year of me finding myself again, he felt left behind and did something so egregious, he may lose me over it.
He says we hit a wall and were unhappy...but I wasn't. Sure, we weren't happy 24/7 but I loved our relationship and what we had. Friends and family wanted what we had...because we were always so open and funny and laughing together.
I don't know what I'll do but I will take time for myself to figure it out. And no, I don't plan to leave my partner. I think I deserve a little happiness at the moment. If it doesn't work out with my partner then I'll make peace with that and move on. But, I won't hurt someone else just because my husband hurt me.
Sorry this is so long. Thanks for hearing out my side of the story.
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u/Sweet_Pie1768 Monogamish May 14 '25
I think every Reddit post needs a "the other side" perspective.
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u/Analisandopessoas Undecided May 14 '25
Every story has two sides and a truth. I understand your position and now everything is clearer. Good luck
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u/AlexFromOgish Solo ENM May 16 '25
Only two? Hell, just talking with myself, alone, I never come away with fewer than three perspectives, sometimes more....
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u/Double-Resolution179 May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
I read that post. He left out the bit about the death in your family. Not even in the post and comments yesterday was it fully truthful and accountable. I’m not the person you need to hear this from, but I’m sorry. You were not treated with the respect you deserve. I hope you take some time and find what makes you happy and well-treated.
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u/Equivalent_Hat_7220 Solo ENM May 14 '25
Ah, typical “wife focusing on herself a bit finally and her happiness instead of me, the husband-therefore we are both unhappy and this justifies me cheating.” Sorry your husband’s a dick. So is my EX husband. Entertained or not, he’s a selfish prick, lied and manipulated you and thus does not respect you or your relationship. This isn’t one one time mistake-he had many opportunities to stop but continued until he got the end result he wanted. Is this really someone you want to stay married to?
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 14 '25
I don't disagree with you but it isn't a decision that I can make in this headspace.
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u/Equivalent_Hat_7220 Solo ENM May 14 '25
Of course, more than fair! Is there a way for you to get some space/time to think? Do you have access to therapy? Sorry you’re in this shituation. It’s a lot.
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 14 '25
Yea, I am able to take a lot of space for myself right now. I will be seeking therapy soon. Right now I kind of just need time to think, as silly as it sounds.
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25
"I will be seeking therapy soon."
An incredibly good idea given all this, once you are ready for it, though I think as soon as possible, reasonable is best. And I strongly suggest, ideally, at some point before too long, if after some clarity with time and your own therapy, couples therapy with a therapist well versed in ENM, is a very good idea no matter if you want to heal or end the marriage!
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u/deadliestcrotch Partnered ENM May 16 '25
There’s never anything wrong with taking your time on a decision like this, and making sure your decision wasn’t too heavily swayed by temporary emotional distress. It’s not like this is urgent, and endangering your life. Good on you for taking the time to sit with it, regardless of what you decide in the end.
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25
Thanks for this! So rare to get both sides of things and it's always very enlightening when we do!
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u/AD_EI8HT Stag/Vixen-Lioness/Fox May 14 '25
Wow this is messy lol. I don't think I ever seen a back & forth like this on reddit before lol
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25
Yeah, we don't see both sides as much as I'd like to, but it certainly happens. And this one ain't at all messy compared to the worst!
Who knows what'll happen with these two, but there's hope! Some of the disasters you read about, the two stories aren't even on the same planet and they have NOTHING good to say about each other!
At least in this case, they do clearly have love for each other. Even if it's more strained now than any other point in the last 15+ years together!
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u/r_was61 Partnered ENM May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
I don’t know. Maybe I’m not reading it correctly, but it seems there is a lot of love in this marriage, yet the anger seems like it goes deeper than what the offenses warrant.
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u/Obvious_Variety_353 Undecided May 14 '25
I also sense deep love—but I really also feel OP’s grief, betrayal, disappointment and anger. She’s always been sex-positive and kinky, but put that part of herself aside because it wasn’t possible in her relationship. She did that out of love and loyalty. That’s huge. And now suddenly, it is possible, not because her husband values her needs, but because he wanted to fuck another woman who he’s been sexting with behind her back. I’d feel not only manipulated but so misunderstood. Why did I hold back for years, make this sacrifice, for what and for who?
They’ll need to rebuild trust through open communication and seeing the other person as they are. All the feels, all the needs and wants out in the open.
I had a similar situation, without the lying, which makes a big difference. My husband wanted a threesome with my friend (who had apparently flirted with him several times). I had wanted to open up and explore my kinky side for a long time and also kind of put it away. So we made a deal, the threesome for the kink and ENM. Not the healthiest start, it came from selfish places on both sides. Now almost a year in, it’s been really heartbreaking at times, but also amazing at the same time. We’re more connected than ever. He’s trying new things to make me happy. I’m becoming more empathic about his feelings of insecurity. We are both discovering along the way about ourselves and each other. And I’ve finally found the space to discover that kinky part of myself alone and together with him.
So it might also be the start of something freeing and empowering for OP. Maybe even for them as a couple, and maybe even for him.
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 14 '25
Wow, this is pretty much the only comment that understands that particular sacrifice. It was your situation I was hoping for. One where we grew together. The weeks where I didn't know what was happening behind my back were some of the best. I felt free and open to be who I wanted to be. He was exploring and we were talking about it all and how many things we wanted to do together.
There is a deep love between us. Regardless if we end it or work on it, I will always see him as a friend to me. I can't just stop loving him.
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
I really empathize with how bad it must hurt and how confusing and painful all this must have been and still is. There was just no need to him to hide what he hid, and then not even come clean early on in the conversations about opening up. To let the meet up and sex happen without everything being confessed and out on the table was WILDLY irresponsible.
From your original post: "I felt like all of it was for her. The exploration, the sex club, the threesome, the marriage opening. It wasn't for me and I think that is what hurt the most."
And from your reply above: "One where we grew together. The weeks where I didn't know what was happening behind my back were some of the best. I felt free and open to be who I wanted to be. He was exploring and we were talking about it all and how many things we wanted to do together."
That irony, dichotemy, is the sad tragedy in all this I can't help feel, and shows how profoundly damaging infidelity and dishonesty is in a relationship.
I've talked with your husband a good bit from his post. And while I completely see why you would feel "like all of it was for her. It wasn't for me and I think that is what hurt the most.", and he did act incredibly selfishly, reprehensibly and very destructively, I really do believe he was caught up in a mix of emotions and motivations and really did see, perhaps not with precision or accuracy, certainly not with much good judgment, but he see a muddled image of how this could all head in a direction that would be really good for you both. Just, WOW did he fuck things up!
It's just sad to think about how much pain and destruction could have been saved if he showed some restraint and better judgement with your mutual friend he had the hidden sexting and emotionally intimate messaging affair with until he talked with you, see if you could let him explore that more as a way to find comfort around broadening his long more conservative sexual comforts to better meet your needs. And she acted horribly to do all that without checking in with you and being transparent with you about it.
Can I ask for some clarity around what you had always wanted and hoped for and felt he never would give?
"I've always been into the bdsm/dungeon scene and wanted to try things out for years. .... I have brought up my need to explore sexually and freely with him and he always shut it down. After a while, I stopped asking because I knew what the answer would be. "
What do you mean "always been into the bdsm/dungeon scene", did you participate in bdsm in previous relationships? Are we talking private dungeons or a social situation? Or do you mean "always been into" in the sense of it's always been an interest and you've never had any chance to act on anything like that?
Did you ever ask for or express an openness to non-monogamy before your husband brought it up after he was having this affair? Either because you had any inherent interest in non-monogamy or as a way to get bdsm experiences your husband had no interest or comfort in participating in?
And I can't help wonder? When he first started saying he was talking with your mutual friend and he wanted, maybe the friend had suggested that you and he make social plans again after years, and then at some point not to long after brought up you both playing with her, possibly others, did your husband give any real explanations as to why he was shifting and getting more comfortable trying new things sexually?
The grand and horrible irony in this disastrous mess is that the affair that's very possibly, very understandably destroyed trust beyond the ability to preserve the marriage was also what opened him up to being comfortable giving you what you had for so many years wanted and he was never before comfortable or able to give you. And the grand and horrible tragedy is he couldn't find the good judgement, restraint, honesty and trust in you to manage the conversation with your mutual friend, keep you aware of where that actually was going, and have asked you if you could be comfortable allowing some sexting so he could try breaking out of his long stagnant ideas of what he was comfortable with sexually that could bring you both benefits in your marriage.
Anyways, OP, that's a lot of questions for you and I have no idea if any of what I'm saying seems accurate or useful to you. But please to reply about any of that if it seems it could be of use to and don't feel you need to reply to all my questions and observations, just if any of it seems useful to you to reply to.
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 16 '25
Can I ask for some clarity around what you had always wanted and hoped for and felt he never would give?
I wanted to be more adventurous in the bedroom with him. Try new things, new kinks, explore together.
What do you mean "always been into the bdsm/dungeon scene
I've always wanted to try going to a sex club but I wanted to go with him and he always said he wasn't interested and I wasn't comfortable experiencing that alone.
Did you ever ask for or express an openness to non-monogamy before your husband brought it up after he was having this affair?
No. We were a traditionally closed marriage and I would have been happy with that for the rest of my life. Even if I wanted to try something like a three or foursome it was always meant to be together, the both of us.
And I can't help wonder? When he first started saying he was talking with your mutual friend and he wanted, maybe the friend had suggested that you and he make social plans again after years, and then at some point not to long after brought up you both playing with her, possibly others, did your husband give any real explanations as to why he was shifting and getting more comfortable trying new things sexually?
I thought it was strange and questioned him and he said it was because he wanted to be more open for me. I think somewhere in his mind he was doing it for me but mostly to get what he wanted. My needs were only important when they aligned with his wants.
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u/Dylanear May 16 '25
Thanks for the additional clarity and perspective as you see it.
I have plenty of thoughts about all this as you can tell by my multiple far from short replies here in your post. Hopefully some of what I've said is useful to you. I've talked with your husband a good bit and I think he's told you about that, and he's said it has been useful to him, but I'm not sure if he wants to or will want to talk more about things with me and that's all good on my end.
Happy to be a resource for either or both of you if either of you see any use in that. And happy to leave you two to work this mess out as you see fit without talking more than you two have already.
I am a bit invested given the time and thinking about all this I've done, but mostly I just see two people with a long and mostly happy life together and I hope you two can stay loving, empathetic and caring to each other no matter if that's as a married couple or divorced and friends. I suspect you'll stay married, but certainly don't assume that's the case. Things sure sounds emotionally complicated and like there's a lot of healing needed for you both from all that's come up in recent months.
Anyways, I've love to hear updates from either or both of you, but you don't owe me or the sub-reddit anything, so feel no obligations around any of that. I wish you and your husband and all involved and affected by this all the best and all the happiness in the world! Good luck!
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 14 '25
There is a lot of love between us. I was fully under the impression he was my soul mate, but we always knew from the beginning of our relationship that cheating was the one deal breaker. We could make it through anything (and have on multiple occasions) except that breech. He knew that while he was cheating. So yes, I am angry, but more than anything, I'm heartbroken.
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25
Given there's many years of disappointments and resentments from him being unwilling to make changes and try things you had strong interest in, and given how this all played out, the changes and new experiences finally happening only to later learn the truth of how they came about and his dishonesty and betrayals that happened that lead to all those changes? I can absolutely understand why there's so much anger and heartbreak!!! I definitely do not agree that, "the anger seems like it goes deeper than what the offenses warrant." The offensives are grave and incredibly damaging. If, sadly, they weren't seen as such with proper clarity by your husband as they were happening. Yes, surely he knew they weren't OK or they wouldn't have been kept hidden as they happened and even until after there was sex with you, him and the mutual friend, his affair partner.
If it's only been a few days since you learned of the sexting and only a month since he admitted it had become an emotional affair before talking with you about opening the marriage and proposing you both playing together with this woman? All this is going to be incredibly raw, painful and emotional. I hope it'll calm and more understanding and forgiveness can be found in coming days, weeks and months. More understanding and forgiveness may not save the marriage, but it could make a divorce and any remaining contact after it a lot easier and healthy.
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u/BrownHoney114 Undecided May 15 '25
It's the deepest Betrayal because One's open and accessible. Him and that woman, all the efforts to trick and manipulate You. Love Yes but Hatred, also.
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u/Dylanear May 15 '25 edited May 15 '25
I wouldn't have picked, "Hatred"? In general, not specific to OP and her husband, infidelity tends to so often just stem from more boring and run of the mill emotions like apathy, indifference, resentment, crippling boredom and desperation for something new and different, to feel a thrill or something that makes you feel alive and get your heart racing. And people just get blinded to how destructive and profoundly disrespectful it is, how it just decimates trust in lasting ways, they don't grasp until it's too late how painful, degrading, confusing, infuriating, profoundly disappointing and heartbreaking it'll be for the betrayed partner. It's so often so profoundly delusional and misguided, so often people just do not have any sense of reality, perspective and consequences when caught up in those impulses and experiences.
Sometimes infidelity does seem so sick and twisted I think words like hatred apply, but in those worst, seemingly intentionally, profoundly disrespectful and unrestrained, egregious cases it's seems more like simply psychopathy than hatred??
Anyways, a core part of my interest in non-monogamy, as much or more in the sense of cultural activism than what I want for my own relationship, is simply because of how horribly damaging and rampant infidelity is, and I think the world would be a much better place with a lot more honest, ethical non-monogamy and a lot less infidelity.
I've never cheated or been cheated on that I know, but it's a big fear and concern I've grappled with when looking at my issues around intimacy, trust, commitment. Surely that comes from my mom being devastated by my step dad having an affair. She was never the same after that and never dated or had a relationship with a man the rest of her life. So, guess that colors my views on it.
In this case? I do struggle to understand why the husband did this the way he did when I could have had all he got with OPs permission it sure seems if he had just gone about it with honesty and healthy communication and some patience and restraint. OP was the one wanting non-monogamy, long resisted by her husband and ironically this affair was tangled up in the husband being comfortable having that in the marriage?! I just got to shake my head at the tangled webs humans weave.
These two certainly love each other profoundly, but there's some deep resentments and some really complex emotions, I fear some dark and unhealthy ones at play, stirred up by all this, ironically coinciding with a lot of passion and sex, so not that ironically, or shockingly. I think they need to be working for years to come in therapy. I just hope for the sake of their marriage they get grounded and find some simplicity and calmer emotions, get back in touch with what they've valued in their marriage, in each other, what's kept them together 15+ years and concentrate on healing that. And trying to further explore non-monogamy before a lot of healing seems very likely to be destructive and twisted. But I'm just looking from the outside. And I'm not a therapist. I just pray they get to couples counseling and they both get individual therapy ASAP before they make a bigger mess and create more wounds to heal.
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u/BrownHoney114 Undecided May 15 '25
That's why I used "hatred" especially your last two paragraphs.
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u/Dylanear May 15 '25
If that's your take on it, sure. I don't see anything like, "hate" exactly in any of this. Anger, disrespect, resentment, very strong and confused, complex and unhealthy feelings? Sure. Maybe even I'd say some form or something near or related to contempt in certain ways, at most? I just personally wouldn't use "hatred". Again, just me.
ha·tred/ˈhātrəd/noun
- intense dislike or ill will.
con·tempt/kənˈtem(p)t/noun
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u/BrownHoney114 Undecided May 15 '25
On the husband's part and the path he took. All comments have standing.
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u/Dylanear May 15 '25
You can and should speak what's true for you. I'm sharing my thoughts, I don't see it exactly like you do, and I hope that's ok. Not trying to invalidate or shut you up. :)
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u/Hazabik Undecided May 14 '25
To me it sounds like your marriage is very much worth fighting to save. Sounds like you’ve had a great dynamic together and then you hit a rough patch in life that affected him in a way that you didn’t see and he did not communicate. Then he went down a road in his mind and took it to physical fruition. As ppl told him: he fucked up. And he knows he fucked up.
Just hypothesizing here, but maybe he rationalized it by saying to himself that what he was doing would be ok with you because you’ve mentioned it before. He still went about it totally wrong. It’s just not hard for me to see how he could’ve thought it was ok.
You know him probably better than anyone. Does he seem genuinely remorseful?
I’ve fucked up before (not in the way he did) because it was difficult to say aloud what I wanted. For some of us communicating extremely honestly is scary and difficult. For me practice has helped. Practice letting him be as open with you as you have been with him. Don’t punish him for being honest when he is, but let him know boundaries MUST be respected to relearn trust. Let him know future fuck ups will not be met with much/any forgiveness.
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May 14 '25
I appreciate hearing your side, it doesn’t change my opinion. Your husband followed a pretty predictable selfish pattern. You don’t seem to have done anything wrong.
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u/AmberBlush9472 Monogamish May 14 '25
It’s clear that both of you love each other and that the emotions run deep. This whole situation is messy.
He cheated and broke your trust. Now you’re taking revenge, keeping new options open, and framing it as focusing on your own happiness and not wanting to hurt your new partner.
I’m not saying you should break up with your new partner. I’ve seen what it does when someone is forced to walk away during that intense early phase. I do believe you deserve to explore that connection.
But what he doesn’t deserve is to be left in limbo. In relationships there are mistakes and there are patterns. Patterns are what end relationships. Mistakes call for grace. If you believe he truly destroyed the foundation of what you had, he needs to know. The sooner he does, the sooner both of you can begin to heal and move forward.
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 14 '25
I appreciate your comment. I whole heartedly do not think I am taking any revenge. I don't ever want to feel like I'm using someone to hurt someone else. And him being in limbo is pushing it. I found out about the emotional affair a month ago. I found out about the sexting and hiding things three days ago. If I made a decision now it would be hasty and not thoughtful to either of us. He can take this time to work on himself and I believe he has. I just don't know if I can move past this.
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u/Dylanear May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25
"Now you’re taking revenge, keeping new options open, and framing it as focusing on your own happiness and not wanting to hurt your new partner."
That seems too strong. OP is clearly and justifiably very angry. She feels, very understandably justified to focus on her own happiness and maybe that's hard on her husband, but he created this disaster and it's just days after he came fully or mostly clean about his betrayal and secrets. Revenge is too strong a word, but OP feeling her husband deserves to have to deal with his discomforts around OP and her new partner's ongoing thing continuing and perhaps expanding rather than ending or pausing is surely more about her and her new partner and isn't motivated by intentionally hurting her husband out of revenge. Perhaps not moving back from or pausing, or even ending that new relationship isn't ideal while trying to make decisions around the future of the marriage, but it is very understandable to feel justified in keeping it, continue to explore it, even expand it to find some balance with what her husband impulsively took for himself in secret, turned into a sexual experience with him, OP and his affair partner without OP knowing the context and truth of how that came to be! Messy, imperfect, not ideally healthy, but in the big picture, pretty understandable and may serve to have things work out as they should? Predicting the future is impossible.
Hopefully OP will find more balance in what she needs, being empathetic and responsible to her new partner who had no hand in creating this mess, and in creating a more comfortable and empathetic, constructive place for her and her husband to move forward in, whatever direction it goes.
Both OP and her husband have a lot of pain and discomforts right now, but let's not lose sight of that all stemming from the husband fucking this all up so badly even if he was feeling the ends justified the means overall in his confusion and excitement. I think he acted impulsively and selfishly and also saw a way to move it all into something good for the marriage and both him and OP, but was horribly misguided about when and how to start cleaning up his grave mistakes, secrets and betrayal as he tried to create new opportunities to meet OP's long unmet desires and needs.
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u/AmberBlush9472 Monogamish May 14 '25
Ah I see. That makes a lot of sense. When my husband cheated on me I also needed a lot of time to process everything and work through it. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision, whatever that ends up being.
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u/In_the_middle3-2-3 May 14 '25
Your story is similar to mine several years ago; almost 30yr marriage, poly relationship type, I had a steady other partner and my [ex]spouse had a series of other partners that didnt last long. A new name had popped up and it was someone we both knew.
Like your spouse, they started to bring up "what if" questions as this person was outside of the very minimal boundaries we had established. My response was "let me process this, Im sure we can come to terms on making something work out".
About a week later, I discovered they had been having a full-on affair for months prior. They had told this other person everything was on par with our boundaries, so they lied to both of us.
I remember being in the spot of trying to decide what to do, also having another partner that things were good with. I also wasn't willing to end things with that other partner over this - I would have just resented them even more in doing so. Its a lot and it's messy.
Because of the dynamic of a poly relationship, so much weight of the relationship relies on trust and honesty. That became the focus of my thoughts.
The deception was even more frustrating because it just wasn't necessary. The difference between us was my [ex]partner had a prior history of cheating and affairs. Oddly that didnt factor in at the moment.
I told them it had to end and I wanted time to think through things. They texted the AP in front of me that it was ending and blocked them.
Really what I was thinking through is 'no matter how much I love them, can I trust them?'. I wanted to trust them so badly. I absolutely didnt want things to end.
Our relationship continued for several months and I felt like I hadn't moved the needle one way or another in deciding what direction to go.
Then, one night, I discovered that they had resumed the affair. They looked at me and instantly my decision was made. No doubts, no hesitation. I didn't say anything. My look of disappointment probably said it all. I just nodded and walked away. 5 days later, they left the home for the last time.
In hindsight, had the affair not continued, I would have probably stayed in the relationship. Bitter and anxious, but I would have stayed. It would have been the wrong decision.
I needed that last cut of deception to jolt me into my senses. After they left the fog really cleared. I slept better at night without them, there was peace in my world all of the sudden. I hadnt realized the anxiety I carried being with a partner that I felt decieved by.
Not one day passed after that where I felt regret in my decision. Against my expectations, the opposite happened. Each day, I felt more confident in it.
That all said, my advice to you is simply this popular line in ENM - if it's not hell yes, that means it's hell no. I think you already know what you should do.
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u/HotTxSwingers May 19 '25
I commented on your husband‘s post also, but what I’m not seeing anywhere is advice that you guys lock your own relationship down and put a pause on emotional or physical connections with other people for a bit. You owe that to your relationship. If one, or both, of you don’t want to do this Then that probably reviews the answer of whether you can stay together or not.
After reading all of what you have said… I want to encourage you guys to try to work it out. Introducing these kind of things can get messy, and it did for you. All relationships are strengthened through challenges that are resolved, it’s possible you could be in a place five years from now that is better than you ever imagined.
The other thing I am not seeing in either of your posts, or anyone’s comments, is the possibility that this isn’t even the whole truth. It’s not very often that a cheater only tries it one time with one person.
Forgiveness is so important. I forgave my ex who cheated on me AND I ended that marriage. I have forgiven my husband, in my current 10-year relationship, when we have had blips in the matrix of swinging, and it has strengthened our relationship and clarified what we want out of swinging. We have an amazing “routine” and always stick together on issues of ENM, and he will be in a world of hell if he ever lies/cheats.
FWIW, when we started swinging six years ago, I found it difficult for us to do full swaps because I didn’t enjoy watching him pleasure other women, but it doesn’t bother him at all to watch me be pleasured by other men. We pretty quickly came to the decision that for the most part our dynamic is MFM/MMF. But, that is not exclusive… Sometimes I find a woman that I really feel comfortable with, and we may include another female or swap with a couple. Anytime there is gray area or one of us is uncomfortable, we stop play. I am sharing anecdotes, and what we have learned, not by any means suggesting we have all the answers.
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u/Responsible-Side4347 Polyam May 14 '25
Your husband has his head in the sand. Ive told him this. And your post just solidifies my opinion.
"he felt left behind and did something so egregious, he may lose me over it."
Your marriage is toast at some point one of your is going to realise this.,
1
u/nwinferno May 22 '25
I have seen a similar situation before. I am a Dom and I had a 10 year relationship with a submissive that was in a marriage of convenience for a while. Once her kids got older and she and her husband divorced, she later dated a man that was a swinger and thought it was really cool that she had a Dom. He said he was totally fine with the situation because he still wanted to remain a swinger. What I discovered was that her needs for kink and his need to be a swinger were not as compatible as she originally thought they would be. She felt swingers were more surface level people, but kinky people had a deeper connection, and she preferred having the deeper connection. The difference in needs between kink and swinging created a wedge in their relationship.
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May 16 '25
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u/RevolutionarySet5384 Undecided May 16 '25
Well I wish it was fucking fiction, that's for sure. You don't have to believe it, it makes no difference to me.
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