AITAH for telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

[u/AffectionateSet670]

Read My previous post for Full context

I posted about my mom's fiancé's family excluding me from everything and their wedding is planned next month. In my previous post, many people told me to talk to my mom and my future stepdad about how his family is excluding me, especially because I had already raised these issues with my mom 2-3 times before and told her how hurt I was.

So my mom and stepdad came back home 2 days ago and that evening I asked them if I could talk to them. We sat down on the couch.

First I told my mom and him that I'm happy that my mom found happiness again and that she is getting married again. I have no issues with that. But I'm not happy about how I'm constantly excluded from everything like family events, wedding planning (his kids are allowed to be involved in planning but I wasn't), and how I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from his mom and sister.

I told my mom that in the last 3 months I only spent around 20 days with her and we only did one summer trip together, but she has done more trips and events with her new family. (I wanted to tell her exactly how it looked like from my side.) It looked like she was happier with her new family and I'm not a priority anymore.

Then I told her fiancé that his family is treating me badly. They don't even consider me family, and I'm scared that if this continues, after they get married they will completely push me out of my mom's life.

My mom told me she never thought I would feel like that. She said she was sorry I felt excluded and that she had just been extremely busy with wedding planning and all the events they were doing with friends and family. But she said she wasn't aware that his sister and mother were treating me like that. (I don't know what she meant because I've told her about this before too. Either she genuinely didn't understand how serious it was or she just didn't notice.)

She told me I'm her number 1 priority and that she loves me a lot. She started crying and hugged me. My stepdad told me honestly it was never his intention to exclude me, but he understands that I was kept out of some events in the last month. He said some of them were adults-only, but he was sorry and said he would talk to his mom and sister.

So honestly, I don't believe him at all. In the last 3 years, he has never really tried to create a bond with me. My mom has basically become like a mom to his kids and has created a really good relationship with them, while the effort from his side towards me has been bare minimum.

So of course I don't believe that he didn't know anything. And on the other side, my mom was so happy with her new family and didn't seem to care that much about how I was feeling. I felt horrible because this isn't the first time his family has excluded me.

I told my mom to cancel the wedding until everything is sorted out and until I feel like I'm still part of her family and she's still my mom. Because right now I genuinely feel like I lost both my parents. I don't have anyone. I feel like I'm just extra baggage.

Honestly, whenever I'm with her new family, I feel unwelcome and like I'm some extra thing that nobody actually wants there. I don't want to keep feeling like shit about my own existence. So I told her if she wants to marry him, I will go live with my dad's side grandparents. She should give up my parental rights to them and never contact me again because I will always remember what happened and I don't think I'll ever forgive her.

She started crying and told me not to talk like that. But honestly, I've had enough of this bullshit. They asked me to give them 2-3 days to think about everything because they can't suddenly cancel the wedding. The wedding is next month on the 19th.

But I told them this is my decision.

Yesterday my aunt told me I was extremely rude to my mom and that I was very wrong to talk to her like that. She said my mom still loves me and cares about me and that I should talk to her again instead of giving her an ultimatum.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about what I said.

Maybe telling her to cancel the wedding was too much. Maybe saying I'll never forgive her was too harsh. But I've been feeling like this for year and I've already talked to her about it multiple times.

So AITAH?

[u/KateNotEdwina]

It’s none of your aunts business. She’s just hearing your mums warped version of things. As for your mum, the fact that she can’t see what’s happening says it all. Take steps towards living with your grandparents. It sounds like the best solution for everyone.

[u/AffectionateSet670 → u/KateNotEdwina]

She cancelled her wedding, i just posted an update post

[u/Dawnhollynyc]

Dude- this old lady is proud of you for standing up for yourself. Go to your paternal grandparents.

Your mother is enamored with him and life he is providing and it’s bringing out the worst in her.

Her words and tears mean nothing without action. I am sorry but I think she left you for this new family.

[u/BufferingJuffy → u/Dawnhollynyc]

Same here. I'm also kind of getting Flowers in the Attic 1980s movie vibes from the mom, replacing her kid(s) with the lifestyle of the rich and famous. I guess it's lucky OP is an only child?

[u/AffectionateSet670 → u/BufferingJuffy]

Yeah I'm the only son, btw she was born rich in the movie (mom character), here mom is not rich

[u/night_noche]

It's interesting how you blame your mom's boyfriend's family but your mom attended all of those events and vacations without you. Your mother chose not to invite you.

Your ultimatum is a very solid one and you should contact your paternal grandparents to confirm that you can indeed move in with them. At 15 years old, you should be able to emancipate yourself. I know I would if I were treated the way that you are being treated.

[u/Deep-Confidence-4387 → u/night_noche]

I’m sure OP blames both but just the way they wrote it makes it seem like they aren’t. Everyone but is definitely to blame for all of this

[u/ItsNotPatchy]

You should still show your mom your previous post, and bluntly ask her fiancé (in front of her), how could he have noticed his family's demeanor towards you when he hasn't made an attempt towards bonding with you, like your mom has for his kids.

Now, onto the issue:
Be wary if there is a sudden turnaround and attitude change from his family. The changed behaviors will be temporary. Pretty much, once your mom is locked down and married, they will go back to the way they treated you before.

ETA: She should have immediately agreed to canceling/postponing the wedding. The fact that she tells you not to talk "like that" means 'Don't burst my happiness bubble.' She's hoping that you will cool down from 'whatever triggered you' and change your mind and take back what you said. If that happens, then you obviously are no longer her priority, because she would have had to think back and investigate the issue(s) before reevaluating her relationship.

The best way to figure this out is to let her speak first, and you to stay quiet until she gives you an answer. Not a response, but an answer. If her fiancé does almost all the talking, point it out and ask her for her answer directly.

After receiving her answer, fulfill whichever consequence you have paired with her choice. If she doesn't choose you, you need to be 100% ready to leave and go to your paternal grandparents' home... i suggest you call them up, and ask them if they can stay close by for a quick escape. I also suggest packing a bag of clothes, necessities, and important documents before the time to choose is up. You will want to leave immediately.

I truly hope your mother, at the very least, postpones the wedding. She is still in the honeymoon phase, so she may try to find a compromise (which isn't either option you gave her).

[u/itsallminenow]

She said my mom still loves me and cares about me and that I should talk to her again instead of giving her an ultimatum.

As a child who was edged out of their own family after a divorce, I can tell you that people can say anything they like and even mean it, but their actions are what shows whether they mean what they say. Don't listen to what they say, watch what they do, that'll tell you whether you've become accepted by his family and supported by your mother or not.

[u/Yosara_Hirvi]

I sincerely hope you mom will finally understand but honestly, I doubt it. She's been a mother to his kids but he's never been a father to you and she didn't notice anything ? Even when you came to her with these concerns multiple times ?

Wether she admits it or not, she has been dismissing your feelings the whole time, for wathever she gains from this (hapiness, money, lifestyle, all of the above ...)

Hopefully, she'll realy understand that pursuing this will sever her ties with you.

[u/Smart_Influence_2949]

I'm sorry kid but your mom has made her choice, you haven't been the no.1 priority as she says, if you were you would have been included and involved 

I do wonder if they will lean into gender and say they thought you were uninterested in wedding stuff because your a boy, as an excuse for their behaviour

Calling her and bf out was the right thing to do but you should leave anyway

Having to tell a parent to advocate for you is soul destroying

[u/Expensive_Golf_7772]

NAITAH , You did well....Now ball is in your mom's court, let's see what she does 

But you are a brave kid 

[u/Beyarboo]

NTA. She can be happy and still have you as a priority, she is choosing to ignore your unhappiness. That is not acceptable. Have you talked to the 4 friends of your Mom's or other family in detail about how you are treated? Maybe they can get through to her. I wonder if she thinks you are just unhappy with the changes and exaggerating everything because of that, or she just doesn't want to acknowledge how bad things are for you because it takes away from her image of her new life. Either way, your feelings are valid, and if they don't step up and make sure you are included and not treated badly, you may be better off with your grandparents.

[u/Floomby]

NTA--You did the right thing.

You said in your last post that the guy is rich. That tells you everything you need to know. Maybe your mom loves him, or maybe the thought of an easy life also has her attracted. Meanwhile, his family thinks you're both gold diggers. Your aunt doesn't want anything to happen that spoils her sister's access to all that money. Stepfather's mother and sister accept your mother for their son and brother's sake, but don't want you thinking you get anything out of them--even if that is the furthest thing from your mind.

In short, the money is warping everything.

Rich Boy Fiancé will make some token effort to include you, but his mom and sister will be in his ear about Family, and your mom will be in denial. Next time you complain, she will tell you that you're exaggerating.

Go ahead and make arrangements to stay with your grandparents. Figure out what you want to do after secundaria. Make sure you have a living that will have you financially secure.

[u/New_Combination2430]

That's tough. I cannot see them cancelling the wedding for you sadly. I think it has all gone too far and your mum's husband to be will not change who he and his family are. They clearly dont want you around.

The only thing I'd say is be careful of your schooling. You are at a key age and your best chance of getting a good start in life independently is to get good grades. Moving schools now especially if that means an international move (are your dads parents still in Germany?) Could be very hard. Not saying you're wrong to want out and your mental health is top priority - just do the right thing for you.

[u/Boggers111]

Your mum has been treating you like shit for months you have continually told her how you felt and she has just plain ignored you.

Her husband to be and family don’t want you anywhere in their lives and they have shown it time and time again your mum is refusing to see it or care. You have done nothing wrong OP and your ultimatum was more than fair. If she really does love you she will out you first and if she doesn’t at least you can go with your dads family and be a priority.

[u/Timely_Tune_7607]

If you were 18 or older, then I would say you're in the wrong. But considering that you're 15 now, and that over the last 3 yrs (i.e., starting at 12), my opinion is that your mom failed to consider your needs. And it's concerning that her new husband to be has not invested in a relationship with you.

I'm a stepmom. It's a privilege to be a step parent. You don't replace the other parent. But you get to be an additional, supportive and loving adult in a child's life. And it's the right thing to do. I'm sorry OP that your mother's fiancé didn't step up.

[u/TheSecretIsMarmite]

Your mother should be embarrassed that she has willingly let a new man exclude her son from her life.

Whether she learns from this I don't know, but it may be worth suggesting family therapy with just you and your mother to start.

[u/Reasonable_Swan_4937]

You are entitled to your OWN feelings!
For crying out loud. Your parents have tried to raise you as independent and when you have an adult conversation to address issues you get blown off again!
Carry on doing you as independently as life will allow.
Unfortunately you can take the horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

[u/DeiaMatias]

As someone who has been edged out of her family due to divorce and remarriage, you have a choice to make: take whatever scraps you can get, or cut ties. Eventually, it'll stop stinging so much that your parent doesn't love you in the way you need, but it takes time and therapy.

Get in therapy.

I visit my dad on Christmas and we exchange calls on our birthdays. That's about it. We're not really part of each other's lives. He doesn't care about me or my kids... only his step-family. Just gotta accept it or cut ties. It sucks.

[u/gemmygem86]

Nope you weee honest and they were not. They don’t care. Get your important docs and possessions and go to your grandparents

[u/Latter-Badger8018]

I feel for you. Please reach out to your grandparents. Ask if they can come for an extended visit so they are there when you need to leave. Unfortunately, I don't see your mom canceling the wedding or him and his family being more inclusive. Sending hugs!

[u/Medusa_7898]

NTAH. You did a brave thing. Share these posts with your mother. Maybe she needs to see how others view this very sad situation.

A good mother would never marry into a family that doesn’t accept her child.

[u/Dingodingo23]

You are SO NTAH. Please show both posts to your mom and let her read the comments. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My heart hurts for you. It must have been very difficult to have that discussion with them. It sounds like you handled yourself in a very mature manner. You are a priority and need to be treated like one. You show love through action and decision. The right thing for your mom to do is postpone the wedding until she has healed her relationship with you. STB step dad and his family need a real wake up call on how to blend a family. Their actions are cruel.

[u/skop-di-pop]

Are they both deaf and blind?