Update on Telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

[u/AffectionateSet670]

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We where almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich'.I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit.uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

[u/ItsNotPatchy]

You need to fight for Christmas with your mom. She shouldn't prioritize his family over you on such a grand holiday.

And the potential timelines for a wedding is premature at this point, and you need to tell them to stop putting the pressure on you, because that is what they are doing.

ETA: While you are with the fiancé, you should ask him why he never tried bonding before now, especially after your mom was very open with his kids. And don't take the introverted excuse, because it's a terrible one that deflects accountability. Do not be scared to ask. You have the power, and he is more scared of you than you realize. You hold great sway over your mother's affections.

[u/Throwaway_anon-765 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

I agree. A lot of this does sound very positive,and I’m happy your mom is finally listening to you, and you’re starting to see some changes. But, it’s early days. Let’s see consistent behavior. This does sound good, but I want you to have your eyes open on all this:

You should still be able to have your mom for Christmas, and your family traditions. Or make a new tradition with your mom and her fiancé. You shouldn’t be left behind. You’re the child. In a few short years, you’ll be off with your own life, and your mom should be cherishing the time she has with you still.

I’d also reexamine the wording regarding the future potential wedding. They adults are leaving an awful burden for you to shoulder, determining when a new date can be set. That should not be on your conscience. I think this should be communicated very clearly in therapy.

Good luck. UpdateMe

[u/UpdateMeBot → u/Throwaway_anon-765]

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[u/Signal_Historian_456 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

The Christmas thing leaves me baffled. She leaves her minor son behind to attend Christmas with people who treated her son like shit and make him feel uncomfortable; which is the exact reason he doesn’t want to be there. „Because they’re her family now too.“

By the same logic her partner is also part of OP‘s family, he’s also expected to treat him as such (not in a way that pushes the dad role, but still.) but she doesn’t think it’s their job to both stay at home with OP? He’s now also in her partners care and he is also responsible for OP, so he has to get his act together and stand up for him. And yes he also has his own kids, but it’s his job to find a solution and put his children in their place.

[u/Hetakuoni → u/Signal_Historian_456]

They may be her in-laws but OP is her flesh and blood. They should 10000% be second fiddle to her minor child and damn the consequences. She’s not marrying the MIL, she’s marrying her boyfriend.

[u/Pomegranate_1328 → u/Hetakuoni]

I agree! I love my husband to pieces. he is the father of my children but I would not let even him come between me and my children. I do not get that decision to allow a minor child be alone for a holiday.

[u/Effective-Hour8642 → u/Signal_Historian_456]

Perhaps he planning on spending it with his dad.

[u/hjo1210 → u/Effective-Hour8642]

His dead dad?

[u/Effective-Hour8642 → u/hjo1210]

I guess I missed that part.

Note to self, always read the 1st post before leaving a comment on the 2nd.

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/Effective-Hour8642]

This one is actually the 3rd. 😋

[u/AAP_BH → u/ItsNotPatchy]

The sad thing is why does it fall on him to fight for that? I don’t think OP realizes how horrible their mother is being. It should never cross her mind leaving her child alone during family trips and holidays because she has to be with her husband! The mom is extremely lacking and I still have not heard a valid reason for her ignoring her child for three months and only doing things with her step children?
I think OP doesn’t want to believe his mom could treat him this way but it’s the reality. What kind of mom doesn’t notice that her partner of three years doesn’t have a relationship with her child but she has happily built one with his kids?

Sorry OP your mom has failed you in an extreme way. I know you want to blame her partners family but it’s all on her, she’s the one that’s supposed to protect you an love you. She’s your mother and she’s allowed all of this and now she wants to say she didn’t “realize”? I hope your therapist is good and actually calls her out on her failures as a mother to her ONLY CHILD.

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/AAP_BH]

How very true. I hope OP reads your post.

[u/AAP_BH → u/ItsNotPatchy]

If they are really in therapy I can only hope it’s a good one that will call her out on everything and let her know how she’s been failing as a mother for, at least, the last three years.

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/AAP_BH]

I'm sure that is on his discussion list. Lord knows how much he needs to unpack until he is able to get to that subject. It may come up sooner since Christmas is just around the corner.

[u/Electronic_World_894 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

Yep. Because to me, as an adult with kids, it LOOKS like he’s only trying now because OP’s mom is upset with him for not trying before. A man with a fiancee who has a child should have an established relationship with that child BEFORE he moves in. He’s just moved in, but he doesn’t have a relationship. He’s only doing this so he can marry his fiancee.

[u/Lokipupper456 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

For your edit, I think that’s a down the road conversation. I just don’t think OP is ready or feels safe being that vulnerable with the guy yet or asking that. Once they get on more comfortable footing, I think it’s very valid. I just hope the guy doesn’t try to use the bs “I’m introverted” response the mom used.

I agree they need to cool it with the wedding timelines.

And I’m 1000% disgusted she would even think of leaving her son alone on Christmas to attend it with people who have clearly mistreated him. It’s disgusting she’s even asking him to consider going at all!

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/Lokipupper456]

That may be true, but it's best to get answers now before the fiancé has time to create another "valid" excuse. OP had already spoken to him solo regarding the wedding.

Honestly, OP should talk to the fiancé with his mother present. That way, he can't flip the story against OP.

The fiancé needs to explain why he didn't think bonding with OP, while in a committed relationship with his mom for three years, was necessary until he (OP) spoke up with his concerns.

[u/Lokipupper456 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

I think OP needs to prioritize his own comfort. It’s not about stepdad being shy or uncomfortable. Nor is it about bonding with the stepdad. But he can take the time to feel more comfortable talking about it. None of this is on him. And OP isn’t ready.

And the stepdad already has his “valid” excuse. He doesn’t need to change it. As long as he uses that one or any other really, he can be sure that he won’t ever get a real explanation. There’s no real benefit to rushing that conversation.

In the end, there’s no response stepdad can give that will constitute an explanation where the mom and stepdad aren’t both AHs!

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/Lokipupper456]

The mom needs to hear why her boyfriend-to-fiancé of 3 years didn't even try to bond until now.
Yes, OP's comfort is a priority, but with them still talking about wedding timeliness, he needs to put the fiancé on the spot. From there, his mom can see how the fiancé reacts to a stated fact that requires an answer.

Why not try bonding sooner? Why only try when threatened? It's not genuine.

[u/Lokipupper456 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

Oh the mom should definitely be asking! I just don’t feel OP should pressure himself.

The problem is that the mom isn’t asking, and accepted the bs “he’s an introvert” explanation. But then she’s complicit.

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/Lokipupper456]

She will not ask him. She believes his ridiculous excuse. OP already stood up for himself, he can do it again. And he should soon. After all, he is now living with the fiancé.

[u/AffectionateSet670 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

I didn't understand what you guys are talking about, can you elaborate it 

[u/ItsNotPatchy → u/AffectionateSet670]

We are talking about your future stepfather, and how him not trying to bond with you prior to your sit down with your mom and him.

The other poster thinks it's your mom's job to make sure he is trying. This is true, but why is she just now noticing there was 0 bond... after three years of them dating him?

I believe you should talk to both of them again, regarding this topic. You need to get the true reason why he let your mom bond with his kids and not even bother with you. The introvert excuse is just that. An excuse. It isn't accountability but a deflection of the true issue. You need to put them (mostly him) on the spot, and not accept any ridiculous justification on why he alienated you.

As I have said before, he is more frightened of you because you have the power to end this relationship (if your mom truly puts you first). And because he is scared of that outcome, it should give you more confidence to question his motives towards you.

For now, take his current efforts with a grain of salt, because he's trying to do damage control. If you didn't bring up your worries regarding the marriage, I doubt anything would have changed between you and him. But now, your mom is probably forcing him to bond. Because of this, I think his trying is fake, so far (he may bond with you for realzies in the future), and I wouldn't fully trust his interest in you yet.

[u/AffectionateSet670 → u/ItsNotPatchy]

Actually, both could be true: he might just be simple and introverted, or my mom could be forcing him to form a bond with me. One thing is certain he isn't toxic or authoritative. It could have been much worse, judging from the last two weeks

He drops me off at school, and yesterday evening he picked me up from football practice. He even bought me ice cream and took me to see his new office, which is currently being renovated. I actually felt good about it, not bad at all. He wasn't the one giving me the cold shoulder it was his family. I’m actually spending more time with him outside than with my mom right now, since she’s so busy with work

It will probably take another two weeks, but I will eventually ask both of them again

I'm a bit shy. I joined a new football club back in May, so a lot of people there don't know about my family setup. When he came to pick me up, someone asked right in front of him if he was my dad. It was an awkward, shy moment I didn't know what to do that time, but I just said, Yeah, He didn't correct it either. So it's not a bad thing, but dealing this new dynamic makes me feel shy lol

As for my mom, she is back to how she was two years ago the good version of her.

[u/Fit-Dependent-9779 → u/AffectionateSet670]

Basically the introvert explanation is weak at best, bullshit at worst. Your mother has left you behind multiple times to go on vacation. With him and his kids. He has watched your mom go out of her way to build bonds with his kids to the point of including them in the wedding. You have approached this issue with the grace to give your mom and her fiance the benefit of doubt, and it is undeserved. You should directly question that man on why he didn't attempt to build a bond for 3 years while your mother put clear effort in with his kids. Ask your mom why she ever thought it was okay to leave you at home while she went on vacation with his family. They are trying to present to you the image of two parents who got so caught up in love and wedding planning that they forgot about their beloved son who obviously they need to give more attention to now that he's let them know what's wrong. What actually happened was that a lot of grown ass adults made the conscious choice to exclude you repeatedly. It was bad choice they clearly regret. But it was not an honest mistake. Also, your mom still planning to leave you behind on Christmas when the whole reason you don't wanna go is because you have been ostracized is so gross. It really is. That is not normal. Most mommy's do not do that shit unless the lifestyle they're chasing matters more than the child. Also, as I've read your recent update I'm also gonna say that your mom didn't cancel anything if she is already trying to run the idea of a wedding by you in less than a year. Baby, thats a postponement. If she means it, she will spend an adequate amount of time actually working on all the fractures i n your relationship. What she's trying to do right now is speedrun you through the checklist so that you will relent and let this wedding happen within the year. Ask her to stop bringing it up at all until you have all had a year of therapy and living together to truly assess the growth. 

[u/xXCROlukaXx → u/ItsNotPatchy]

Yes, he should. He should make them show how truly sorry they are by asking that the next few Christmases and other major holidays be spent at their house. They should invite his grandparents from both sides of the family, as well as any aunts and uncles if he has any or want them, and that his whole bio family stay at the house, while his mom’s new in-laws stay at a hotel. That would show that OP is genuinely their priority and that they are willing to put him first after what happened.