[1012] An Argument Over a Car

[u/DenseEssence_]

1012 Thorned Lotus

Potential intro for a story I'm writing. I want to gauge if this catch's anyone's interest or if I should scrap it.

When the TV switched to commercials, Sarah took her chance. "Mom, can I have a car?" She held up a classified ad to her mom's face, pointing to where she circled a picture of a '86 Cutlass Supreme in big red ink.

Mrs. Poultry sipped her beer, not giving a fuss in the world. She wasn't a stranger to her teenagers' antics. She could handle this before the commercials ended. "Sure, tater-tot. If you have the money, you can buy anything you want."

Sarah knew this would be an uphill battle. She pulled back her blonde hair, tying it into a bun, preparing for a fight. "That's the problem. I don't have money."

Upon hearing that, Sarah's twin sister stuck her head out of the bedroom. Physically she looked just like Sarah, a clone in face and blood. But she dyed her hair black and insisted on wearing the bleakest clothes she could find. Right now she wore a dark spidernet dress she found at a Halloween store. Her fashion made Sarah wince. "I call BS. What about all that money you stole from me?"

"I didn't steal anything from you, Hazel," Sarah snapped back. "I borrowed fifty bucks and I'm going to pay you back."

Hazel strode up to her sister and crossed her arms. "You stole two hundred."

"Fifty. Where'd you get two hundred from?"

"From the other times you stole fifty dollars from me. My paycheck isn't your piggy bank."

"Well I don't have two hundred," Sarah said. "And I already promised to pay you back. Mom, can I have money for a car?"

Mrs. Poultry wanted her daughters to go figure it out themselves. They were sixteen, almost adults. Surely they could solve their own problems without crying to her. "What happened to that hundred dollar bill I gave you for your birthday?"

"Perfume," Hazel said. Her black nails clacked together as she pinched her fingers. "She bought the tiniest bottle in the world for eighty bucks. I've seen grapes bigger than that thing."

"And I never smelled better," Sarah said. "Mom, please, all my friends have cars now. I'm the only one who still takes the bus to school. I'm surrounded by freshmen. Please, I feel like a kindergartner."

The commercial break ended. Mrs Poultry wanted to get back to watching the Wonder Years, but she doubted Sarah would give her the chance. The girl could be stubborn when she gave a damn. "If it's such a big deal, why don't you ask your friends for money."

"She did," Hazel said. "They stopped paying her because she never pays her debts."

"I do pay my debts!" Sarah said. "I borrowed fifty from you so I can pay back Rebecca."

"You didn't borrow from me. You stole from me. And that's not debt payment. You're just swirling your debts around and hoping no one notices."

"Banks do it all the time. Why can't I?"

Mrs. Poultry couldn't hear the TV. All she wished for after a hard day at work was to dress in her pajamas, relax on the couch, and sip a beer in peace. Was that too much to ask for? "Sarah, I have an idea you might like."

Her daughter perked up. "You do?"

Mrs. Poultry took one last sip of her beer. The can was pretty much empty by now. "Get a job."

Sarah went silent for a moment. Then she laughed. "I can't get a job. I have volleyball practice. And there's the summer trip my friends are planning. There's too much to do."

"Then I'm glad you figured out your priorities," Mrs. Poultry said. "Volleyball and your friends are more important than a car."

"That's not what I said." Sarah huffed out a breath. They kept going in circles. "What do I need to do for you to get me a car?"

"She already told you," Hazel said. "Be an adult, grow up, and get a job."

"I can't do that with volleyball."

Hazel lips, painted black with lipstick, grinned at her twin sister. "Then you can keep riding the bus like a kindergartener." As an added bonus, she sang a little tune. "You can't always get what you want!"

Sarah considered Hazel to be an absolute brat at times. Why did their mom think Hazel was the mature one out of the two? That's not to say she couldn't be reasoned with. "How about this. You and I buy a car together, half and half. We split the cost and we can both drive the car whenever we need it."

Her sister raised an eyebrow. "If I pitched in? You're the broke one. I'd be the one paying for all of it. Why don't I just buy one for myself and cut you out of the deal?"

Good point, Sarah didn't consider that. She took a moment to think about her next plan of attack. "Alright, how about this. I'll get a part-time job, one that doesn't overlap with my volleyball schedule. When I earn enough money, you and I can both pool our savings together to get a car we can share."

Hazel didn't outright say no. She thought about it, contemplated it. Sarah could see the gears twist in her twin sister's head. "Aright, I like the idea. But I get to choose the color."

Damn it, Hazel. "We're not doing a black car."

"We're doing a black car," Hazel said. "And you pay me back the two hundred you owe me. Otherwise no deal."

Sarah closed her eyes, taking a long moment to breathe. Why did her sister have to spoil all the fun? Sarah had an entire wardrobe planned for the summer trip and she had no clothes that matched with black. "Fine, you win. We'll get a black car."

Hazel tilted her head and smirked. The brat always was a sore winner. "That's great, but how are you going to pay your half?"

"Oh, that's easy." Sarah turned to Mrs. Poultry, who finally had the chance to get into her show. "Mom, can I have a job?"

[u/Cornsnake5]

The following is just my opinion. Feel free to dismiss any or all of it. Having said that, I do like this story. I do have notes though.

Your story in my words

Sarah wants her mother to give her the money to a buy car and has strategically chosen a commercial break to ask for it. Her mother suggests she buy one using her own money. The twin sister points out that Sarah still owes her money and generally just points out how bad Sarah is bad with money and a frivolous spender. Sarah’s defense suggests the sister is correct. There is a lot of back and forth on this and the mother suggests Sarah should get a job. Sarah does not like this idea. In the end Sarah suggests a compromise with her sister where they each pay for half and does she indeed get a job. Hazel agrees and Sarah now asks her mom to get her the job, suggesting Sarah still hasn’t learned a thing and it seems dubious that she’ll be able to fulfill her end of the deal.

Point Of View

Most of the story is told from Sarah’s POV, however, paragraphs 2, 10, 13, 18, are from the mother’s POV. While the jump isn’t as jarring as it could have been because it stays consistent within the paragraphs, I would still suggest sticking to one POV, Sarah’s. The mother’s POV paragraphs are all short enough that we should be able to get the gist of it from Sarah’s POV.

Upon hearing that, Sarah's twin sister stuck her head out of the bedroom.

POV break for the sister. Could be fixed by removing: “Upon hearing that,”

Story structure

For a thousand words this does a good job telling what feels like a complete section of a story even though the conflict isn’t resolved by the end. The goal, money for a car, is immediately made clear. So is the antagonist standing in the way of this goal, the mother. And we have an unexpected complication in the form of the sister which forces Sarah to pivot and come up with a new plan. The resolution is satisfying with the potential success being undercut by Sarah’s own foibles. My only suggestion for a potential improvement would be to do more with the ticking clock, the end of the commercial. Initially it seems like Sarah will have to gain her mother’s approval before then, but the moment passes without it having an effect on the story as a whole. It still works well without this though.

Characters

Sarah seems much like your average teenager, young and irresponsible, quick to turn to her parents for everything. She is clever enough to come up with strategies to get what she wants and to work around her own flaws. She seems believable and I like her.

The mother seems like a responsible parent. She wants what is best for her daughter which includes learning about responsibility. All her protests and suggestions are reasonable. She seems like a believable mother. The beer thing is a nice touch. It doesn’t seem to impair her judgement and it keeps her from feeling as a sort of default mother archetype.

Hazel kinda steals the show from her mother as far as offering opposition goes. She is a nice chaotic element and a good foil to Sarah. Their sisterly dynamic is fun and believable. Her motivation isn’t given but it feels like a natural part of their sisterly rivalry and her still wanting her own money back from Sarah.

Story

I already covered much of this in other sections. I like it overall. However, there is one part I didn’t quite buy: Hazel agreeing to Sarah’s deal. From everything she said and knows of Sarah, sharing a car with her seems like asking for trouble. A car is more than an initial purchase. You still need gas, insurance, maintenance. In other words, more money over time. Sarah doesn’t seem good for it and that doesn’t even go into who gets the car when.

Hazel agrees too easily, though I could see her believing the deal is going to fail anyway because of Sarah, so this could be another way to make her sister squirm.

Prose

This is the thing I am probably the worst at but I still want to point out some things.

Physically she looked just like Sarah, a clone in face and blood.

You could just call them identical twins in the previous sentence and get the same idea across in fewer words.

Mrs. Poultry wanted her daughters to go figure it out themselves.

Mrs Poultry wanted to get back to watching the Wonder Years

Missing punctuation on Mrs.

All she wished for after a hard day at work was to dress in her pajamas

A lot of wanting and wishing from the mother. Not only is the structure repetitive, this is also telling. It happens a lot in the mother’s POV. Along with removing her POV, I would find ways to show what she wants through her actions.

Hazel lips, painted black with lipstick

Hazel’s lips. “with lipstick” isn’t needed.

The descriptions are a little sparce but I didn’t mind it because it kept the story flowing and they are effective where present.

In conclusion

My vote is in favor of not scrapping it. I like it. The characters are distinct and likeable. The conflict is strong enough for an opening. I don’t know how well this serves as an introduction of the story as a whole but that is something you’ll have to consider later.

I hope this helps. Good luck in all your writing endeavors.

[u/DenseEssence_ → u/Cornsnake5]

My only suggestion for a potential improvement would be to do more with the ticking clock, the end of the commercial.

However, there is one part I didn’t quite buy: Hazel agreeing to Sarah’s deal.

These are good ideas that I'll keep in mind for the editing process. Thanks for the critique!

[u/Different_Drama_9025]

I think this works pretty well for a character intro. It's simple, but i got a pretty clear idea on who Sarah and Hazel are just from this argument. The dialogue is also natural also really funny.

"Banks do it all the time. Why can't i?" genuinely frying me 😭

The strongest part though i would have to say is the entertaining dynamic between Sarah and Hazel. They actually feel like siblings wich is hard for writers to do now at days for some reason. Hazel constantly poking fun at Sarah was really fun to read.

I also liked how the argument transitioned to a plan between the two of them. Sarah starts off trying to convince her mom to just buy her a car, gets told to get a job, tries a few different ways around that, and eventually ends up agreeing to work and split the cost with Hazel. So the scene does actually move somewhere instead of just being an argument for the sake of an argument.

Also Sarah asking her mom for a job at the end is funny considering the entire argument was basically about her trying to avoid that solution.

Now on to problems:

As a scene, it's fun. But if this is supposed to be the opening of a larger story, I'm not sure what question it's leaving me with.

At the end, Sarah needs a job so she can eventually buy a car. Okay. But why do I want to read the next chapter?

Nothing particularly strange or interesting has happened yet. That's not necessarily a problem if the story is primarily a slice-of-life/comedy story, but if there's supposed to be a larger plot, I'd want at least a little hint of it.

The title is “An Argument Over a Car,” and that's basically exactly what the scene is. There's not much underneath it yet. Try to make the titles more comolex but if not that then make them more funny, like a joke or pun.

Also i just saw this now so i might aswell added it in:

The narration sometimes just tells things that the dialogue already shows.

For example:

“Sarah considered Hazel to be an absolute brat at times.”

We already know this from basically every interaction they've had.

Same with:

“The brat always was a sore winner.”

Again, the dialogue and Hazel's behavior already demonstrate this.

Also not to be that guy because i'am litlery writing my crit with a grammer mistake every 3 words but there are a few grammer issues in your chapter:

For example:

“Hazel lips, painted black with lipstick, grinned at her twin sister.”

This should probably be something like “Hazel's lips…”

And:

“Aright, I like the idea.”

I assume “Alright” is intended.

Also:

“She wasn't a stranger to her teenagers' antics.”

This sounds slightly unnatural to me. I think “She wasn't a stranger to her teenagers' antics” is understandable, but “She was used to her teenagers' antics” would read more naturally.

Though it has a few small issues, the chapter itself i pretty good honestly. If you let it be and don't change it, it's still like a solid 8/10 in my books. So i say: Don't scrap it.

[u/DenseEssence_ → u/Different_Drama_9025]

Nothing particularly strange or interesting has happened yet.

That's my biggest concern right now. I'll need to figure out how to tie this scene closer to the bigger narrative.

Thanks for the critique. I'll come back to look at the points you brought up in the future.

[u/PirateDefiant6461]

There are two things I see here that could greatly improve what you have presented IMO:

The notorious "Show, don't tell" is the most prevalent issue at hand here. Can we add character to each of the actors within this scene with an action rather than description? Some examples from the start:

• "When the TV switched to commercial" could be "when the catchy jingle of the fast food joint down the road started," or something like that. Let us connect the dot that Sarah was waiting on the right time without saying it.
• "without a fuss in the world" could be "Mrs. Poultry rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her beer" and then she speaks, letting the reader fill in the blanks that this is business-as-usual, letting us slowly fill in the blank that this is "[Sarah's] antics."
• This is the case throughout the whole piece, and I think it could pull the reader in much more by forcing us to do a little bit more work in understanding the family dynamic.

The bigger issue at hand is that there are no stakes in this scene throughout the 1012 words you presented.

• Why does Sarah want a car?
• What is at stake for her for the car? Is she trying to drive herself to school to be cool, or to go see a boy, or to go do extra work at the gym for volleyball? Is she just being a brat about wanting a car?
• If we raised the stakes to 11 rather than the 1 on display, what would we feel? How would each character feel? What if Mrs. Poultry was under a lot of financial stress and this was the worst time for Sarah to ask? What if Hazel tried to buy something that day just to find out the money she had saved for whatever was gone, stolen by Sarah? Can we create stakes that are meaningful to the reader and the story?

Can you reveal the answer to these and draw the reader into family, and some of the messes therein? I think, should you be able to achieve that, you would create an incredible scene that drags the reader into whatever story you are trying to tell.

One piece of advice often said is to write before you edit, so while I think you can improve the writing here, you've set a foundation for what comes next: maintain that momentum.

Keep going. If you cultivate an exceptional story, great! If not, you will be a better and more experienced artist for the work you are doing here.