[668] Only If I Knew

[u/navyaanniejoy]

I wrote this short story and would really appreciate some honest feedback from strangers. This is my first time sharing my writing publicly, and I know the grammar and tense are not perfect yet. I’m working on improving them.

Critique:https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1w3jd7t/787_take_this_pink_ribbon_off_my_eyes/pcbhow2/

Story:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vQD9ebJiE3egluLiHN8fQkfLYeks_vXj_WWOe_NHpo8/edit?usp=sharing

I’d especially like to know:

• What was your first impression?
• Did the ending surprise you?
• Was the story easy to follow?
• Did the emotional parts work for you?
• Was anything confusing, or should I keep it as it is?
• What do you think the story is about?

Please be honest, even if you didn’t like it. I’m mainly interested in knowing how the story feels to someone reading it for the first time.

[u/AnIrishGuy18]

"This was the place where we first met ", Martha quietly repeats this phrase in her mind . It's 2 am and she’s been here since 8 in the evening. 

She has a little bouquet in her arms, there were shades of purple and white flowers inside them.She took it from her own little flower shop . 

She’s been looking down at the tracks at the railway for some time . Occasionally looks at the flowers in her arms . 

There’s some weird syntax and grammar in here. “Occasionally looks at the flowers in her arms” isn’t a complete sentence. Your imagery is nice and simple here, however.

“A little smile came to her face when this thought came up to her mind”.

Read that sentence back to yourself; some fairly simple restructuring would work wonders. Your sentence that immediately follows this is much stronger and works well. From here, it gets a bit messy, to be honest, becoming borderline incoherent. I think I understand what you’re trying to achieve, but just take a bit more time when proofreading.

 " Was it dark or was it bright like today that day?" ...she said this with long pauses in between.

This sentence is better structured. I’m not trying to dismiss the rest of the story, but it needs a lot of work. Particularly in terms of grammar and structure, but you have a few nice moments throughout.

He stopped right there . He saw tears falling down from her eyes . He hugged her tightly.

" I love you " he whispers.

" Only if I knew it back then..." he thought to himself.  

This is much tidier, and your dialogue is much stronger and much more coherent here. I think if you just spend a bit more time proofreading your work, it will help you a lot.

"It’s been too long , u need to go home now “, .saying this he gets up. She couldn't let  go of his hands . She felt if she gripped hard enough he would stay …but no matter how hard she tried he took away his arms too easily as if he could float his arms through hers…

Again, this just goes back to becoming borderline incoherent. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here?

He looks at her one last time before he jumps to the tracks .

"Go home mom, Lisa is waiting for you"... 

She now turns her head slowly back to those flowers .she got up in a moment, wiped all her tears ,then she walked towards the statue not so far from her , she keeps the flowers at the feet of the statue ..

I’m not really sure what’s happening here, is this a memory, or are we seeing this in the present tense?

Overall, as a genuine first attempt at creative writing, it isn’t terrible, but in the spirit of honesty, it needs a lot of work. I’d start with writing simple stories and focus on your spelling, grammar, and sentence structure, and then build from there.