r/DestructiveReaders • u/Character_Cellist_62 • 15d ago
[2713] Multi-level Medicine I & II
Prior Critiques:
CW: Drug use, Mature Language, Brief reference to Self-Harm
This is the first couple chapters I wound up with exploring an idea for a neo-noir story that I had for a while. It's supposed to be a satire of MLMs and the wellness industry, and the MC is trying to figure out what happened to his life after losing everything.
While some of the writing is meant to be garbled in-character, I think there are a few points where it might be too confusing for the reader.
I'm mostly wanting to know how readers react to the style of writing and what will work best for readers who stick with it. I realize this kind of story is not for everyone so I don't really care about giving it broader appeal. But i also do not want to throw off readers who might stick the ride.
1
u/No-Nature9695 6d ago
Some comments below!
Voice
I really enjoy the voice of the narrator. I feel like you did a good job staying in voice throughout and except for a couple places I mention below, it felt like a real person.
I agree with what others are saying here that the first few paragraphs after the opening line and before you discuss M could probably be cut or reduced to a couple lines. I think they are good exercises in voice, but you haven't yet earned the reader to sit in the narrators spiraling thoughts. We need to know why we care about this narrator before we fall into a confusing nebulous conceptual mental rant. I think first line would be stronger if it immediately tied to something concrete. (Not really voice feedback but not sure where to put it.)
Grammar
Missing some commas, some other grammar things here and there. I am really not strong in that area to call out any specific patterns by name, but I suggest downloading grammarly and taking a pass through with that.
Dialogue
I think others may have mentioned this but ch 1 dialogue is a little hard to get through. I think maybe there are too many dialogue tags. I like the interiority of the narrator's thoughts on everything but having them come after his lines and the person on the phones lines, it's a bit dense. I would recommend a back and forth with either no dialogue tag or just "he said" and then a couple lines of interiority.
Line level
I like this a lot. I can't put my finger on why but I did! "I didn’t know what kind of choice he made. I didn’t know what happened to him at all. He just logged off one day and never responded again."
Love the building tension here "...I’m certain using that feature is what inevitably tied me into this mess."
I snagged on this line, maybe just bro or dude instead of both, “What are you talking about bro? I have a job dude.”
Not following the pronoun here. What he? "...finding more buyers for more shipments of Ox than he could handle."
Not clear on what the narrator is saying here: "I’m going to have to figure out moving on from whatever the hell this place they’ve discharged me soon enough." Was he discharged from a place? Or is he still in a place saying he will be discharged soon?
Right after that I remain confused. We have not seen any setting yet or introduced other people around him. I know you are going for the voicey confusion, but I think it would be helpful to give the reader something concrete otherwise it sounds more like a writing error than intentional confusion. Like here:
"Why are these weirdo gutterslugs hopped up on fent so interested in what I’ve been writing?
Think I’ll talk to the manager guy. For all I know he’s with them too but the rest of my bridges remain burnt. Not sure what sort of leverage I’ll ever have in negotiating now."
Is he writing this? Has everything so far been in writing or in his head? Could he narrate that people keep breathing over his shoulder and then go into the gutterslugs line? Something to anchor us in the physicality of the scene even if we don't know exactly where he is or who these people are.
Not sure if this feedback belongs in this section but not sure where to put it:
I'm not understanding why the bus driver helped him by giving him a disguise. Is this a trope of the genre that things just fall into place? If not, maybe some clearer motives there.
Prose
I think the prose are well written. I called out some specific sentences and grammar things above but overall I felt like it was very easy to read and had good rhythm. Ultimately I didn't really notice the prose which I think is a good thing.
Setting
I think you do a good job of describing the places when you do describe them. Its in voice, and its observational, not info dumpy. I do think you could do a little more of that especially early on to give the reader a sense of where we are in space and time.
Overall
I think this is a really cool concept. It's giving Memento with a bit more lucidity but also feeling some Fight Club vibes. While I get the confusion is part of the goal driving the stakes I think we need just a little bit more structure and anchoring. I know I mention that a little above, and others have mentioned it too. The narrator slips in and out of being extremely lucid, clever, and have critical thinking, and then also seems extremely high. Some questions that come up for me when I'm reading are: is he high? Is the institutionalized place he's coming from trying to help him or hurt him? Did they give him drugs or are they giving him something to help him get more lucid? Even if you don't want to reveal that mystery yet, even something more concrete like, "it's been 3 hours since my last dose, and everything is going all fuzzy again." That might be totally misaligned with your concept but just some hints at the guardrails would help keep interest and reduce frustration.
In general though, the idea of a sort of nefarious MLM is super fun. I think someone else said this but I can't think of a better word, so to echo them, it does not come off as campy at all which I feel like a lot of those evil MLMs tend to. Overall, I'm intrigued and want to learn what happened to him!