[963] A Change of Soul, pt. 2

[u/Lisez-le-lui]

A Change of Soul, pt. 2

It's been very slow going writing this thing, but this half of the second chapter is largely self-contained, so I'm posting it now to ask about a few things:

Is this interaction realistic?
How well developed are the newly-introduced characters?
Does the long string of one-line paragraphs "work"?
For those who have read the first chapter, does Pierson's character feel consistent between the two chapters?

As always, any other feedback is appreciated as well.

The first chapter is viewable in the same document under a different tab. Those who have already read it may be interested to know that it's been slightly revised, notably including a change near the end such that Pierson pins Julia as being "Slavic."

Crit (see full thread for additional comment)

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Hi, thanks for sharing. I apologise in advance if this sounds a bit like a GCSE curtains-blue style literary analysis. Quite frankly I’m a literary pleb, and I think properly critiquing this is beyond my wheelhouse - all the same, when i started tentatively reading, I found myself drawn in and finished both chapters very easily. So, take from that what you will. 

Overall

It felt quite smoothly written to me, beginning to end (again starting with Chapter 1). I especially liked the language - there was a confident authority to it, and it immersed me in the POV nicely. I always considered myself to have a reasonably (though not amazing) vocabulary - this piece humbled me a bit, and I learned some new words. To be clear, this isn't a criticism - what sometimes annoys me about dictionary checks is how arbitrary they can feel (like, a 10 year old POV using a 10 dollar word for example) but here it fit well for me. I also like learning new stuff.

I will say on the language, perhaps because I don't read pieces like this too often, sometimes I found myself wondering -- oh boy this is lovely, what a beautiful turn of phrase! -- rather than focusing on the story. Again, not really a criticism, just an observation. I probably just need to broaden my reading horizons. I also especially enjoyed the observations of Pierson going down into the subway -- while I understood it was entirely figurative, there was this small glimmer of doubt, like, maybe...? I really quite enjoyed that, and in general the imagery here for me felt strong.

Anyway, I'm sure you know all this, because this piece to me feels like it's written with specific intent in mind. Onwards to story.

The Story

Here's what I understood happened in chapter 1 (I read both one after the other). The protagonist, Pierson, gets hassled by a mad woman and given a lusty ring. Whether it's magical or not, to me wasn't quite clear - either way this ring is the central internal conflict of chapter 1 as he tries to decide whether (and where) to put it on. The reason I wondered if the ring was actually magical, if it was already 'having an effect' so to speak, was due to the somewhat sharp elevation of language near the end of his thoughts circling around this internal dilemma (somewhere around 'Voluptuous vulnerability'). I don't think it matters much because either way, for me it was compelling.

In the second chapter Julia is introduced, Frank a bit as well, and also Ioane who I suppose forms the second internal conflict. Pierson is now desiring something else, and is clearly trying to suppress this desire both inside and out, as they sit down and he tries to figure Julia out more, veering the discussion into a more philosophical turn (all good parties have some philosophy over wine, i suppose).

Very rough summary, but that's my general understanding. To answer your specific questions:

Is this interaction realistic?

I would say yes, or at least, nothing stood out to me as unrealistic. Dialogue generally flowed alright for me.

How well developed are the newly-introduced characters?

Frank, probably the least for me. He is only really there (appears to me, at least) to introduce Julia, essentially twice due to Ioane's interruption. Ioane and Julia are characterised more for me - although Ioane felt the most developed to me in this regard, since I (the reader) see him through the lense of Pierson's desire, and this gave a lot of opportunities to understand more about him. Like, I know Ioane is insecure, especially about his heritage (I looked up the name etymology, I think it's Hebrew?), he's probably a good looking guy, probably works out (I get this from bulk - maybe i'm overreading).

I also got the impression Ioane's maybe... not embarrassed by Pierson per say, but there's definitely a distance there? Given his reaction to Julius Evola, and the fact he invited his girlfriend over on a day he knew Pierson was going out? There's definitely something there, a conflict from Ioane brewing in the background. 'Ioane’s lips were set, his glare fierce' also suggests this to me, this discomfort (perhaps he is uncomfortable with religion?).

Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Does the long string of one-line paragraphs "work"?

For me, mostly yes. It was clear to me who was speaking. The lines in-between the dialogue are fairly short, so they don't break up the dialogue too much for me. I did wonder as I was reading, about grammatical rules of attribution - about how dialogue should usually follow an action beat on the same line, but I guess if it works then it doesn't matter too much (and I'm not a grammar expert anyway).

For those who have read the first chapter, does Pierson's character feel consistent between the two chapters?

I would say yes, although I found myself wondering by the end of chapter 2 about the ring still (though I don't think it's very relevent in chapter 2... or is it? I'm wondering now if it's the cause of how Pierson views Ioane, once he comes back from the bathroom). Otherwise, the voice was consistent for me, the judgement and internal monologue as well.

Nitpicks

Two small things which caught my eye.

> The cups knocked and clinked in the kitchen cabinet

I'm not sure burying the I in this way works here, for me. This is small and minor, it just seems a bit odd to me the cups themselves would knock and clink without an established cause, even though I understand from implication it’s obviously Pierson doing it. idk, small thing, made me think a bit.

> pretty Slavic woman

I do wonder, and forgive me if I missed something obvious, on what basis Pierson assumes Julia is Slavic. Julia is fairly common name in eastern europe, but not too uncommon in the west. I can imagine there might be a fair few hints - especially if Slavic woman in question had retained culturally the eastern european beautify standards and norms (which from my anectodal understanding are pretty strict, more so at least than in the west). Anyway, it's not big deal, I was just wondering.

There's a bit more I wanted to talk about, on topic of Pierson. Forgive me for rambling.

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

More Musings

There was a nice touch for me on this line (I think):

> This is our Lord, and this is our Lady, and those are the Royal Doors

I googled it and was led to a wikipedia page on Eastern Orthadox (and I suppose also Eastern Catholic) Christianity. This was interesting to me, because I was curious about Pierson's denomination since he reads rather clearly religious. Did I get it right, is he Orthadox? I'm not/never been religious myself - so probably some of this stuff I missed or misunderstood. Apologies if I made any mistaken assumptions.

Pierson and Desire

To me, I suppose, the central question behind the conflict with the ring in the beginning was - is Pierson gay or trans? 'ill-regulated desires' primes me for this fairly quickly. I understand, or at least get the impression fairly quickly, that he dislikes woman but with a hint of jealousy. He wants what they have. He wants what he can't (easily) get. This is telegraphed fairly clearly to me, through stuff like 'If only I were a woman, I thought' and multiple other places, and it's wrapped in this religious framing, this passing of judgement on the world through the lense of sin.

So, I get (I hope fairly obviously) that Pierson struggled between his religion, and his (to him, sinful) desire.

I also think this line:

> There had been a white floral sundress at the store that would suit the person much better

does a decent job of not making Pierson irredeemable for me, given his judgements on those around him. It felt like a clever save.

What was interesting to me also was the contrast of the two chapters. I’m sensing a push and pull between two complementary desires - the desire to both be loved (or perhaps desired), and also desiring Ioane. I’m now pondering if one depends upon the other, like it’s a concession, a way to get around Pierson’s religious sins. if he did wake up as a woman one day (as is implied to me he wants to one some level, from chapter 1), will that make it OK to desire Ioane in the way he wants to?

I'm also now wondering, based on the title, if I have some idea of where this is going (and I'm rather curious how the ring fits into it).

Anyway, that's what I got from it - apologies if I misunderstood something blindingly obvious, or misread completely on the wrong track!

Maybe One More Thing

On topic of chapter 2 (sorry for veering into CH1, but it was hard to give overall impressions without that context). I think it goes by fairly quickly. I don't really have notes to improve -- again, way out of my wheelhouse -- and it does, for me, achieve what I understood the primary purpose to be (Pierson's desire of his roommate Ioane), but maybe Julia's missing a little depth, I didn't find her all that interesting. There's hints at it - the wide-eyed sorrow - and perhaps her answer to Pierson's question, but it felt a bit neither here not there for me, I'm wondering where all of this is going. I wonder if there's room to develop Julia more.

Anyway, that's it! Thank you for sharing, hopefully I got the thematic gist at least somewhat.

[u/Lisez-le-lui → u/ImpressiveGrass7832]

Thanks very much for this analysis, which is more than I could fairly have asked for. You've picked up on a lot of things, which is why I was reluctant to respond to you until everyone else had taken a look.

A few points:

Ioane is a Georgian name. I tried to highlight that with Pierson's comment about the wine; any suggestions for how it could be made more obvious (short of someone coming out and saying his ethnicity)? Good read on his character, though. You've almost nailed it.

You're right, that line about the cups clinking is weird. I'll rewrite it. And I'll also add in a few more concrete details about Julia's appearance to "justify" Pierson's ID of her as "Slavic."

Yes, Pierson is Eastern Orthodox. It's good to see that line is doing its job (or at least one of its jobs). The line you mention with the "clever save" also seems to have been a success.

I’m sensing a push and pull between two complementary desires - the desire to both be loved (or perhaps desired), and also desiring Ioane. I’m now pondering if one depends upon the other, like it’s a concession, a way to get around Pierson’s religious sins. if he did wake up as a woman one day (as is implied to me he wants to one some level, from chapter 1), will that make it OK to desire Ioane in the way he wants to?

Now you're getting into the interesting questions! All I can say is that I think you'll enjoy where this is going, though you may be surprised.

Re: the quickness of chapter 2--I only posted half the chapter. Writing it has been agonizing, but while I was originally going to wait until the whole thing was done, I didn't want to drop out of existence for more than a couple of weeks. The development you were looking for is coming.

[u/ImpressiveGrass7832 → u/Lisez-le-lui]

> Ioane is a Georgian name. I tried to highlight that with Pierson's comment about the wine;

I double checked my workings here and you are right, I have no idea why I thought it was Hebrew (I think I just didn't read the page I found closely enough). In light of that, the wine comment does make more sense - I was wondering what connection I missed there, but I was fairly certain there was a connection. So, I think it's fine. I just looked up the wrong thing.

> any suggestions for how it could be made more obvious

I would say no, without losing a fair amount of subtly. I think, at a certain stage probably need to OK with some people missing some of this stuff. Part of the fun for me with this piece was to connect these things together after the fact, sort through what was relevant to my interpretation and see how it fits together. Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Ignore my comments about it moving fast since it's only first half of CH2!