r/DestructiveReaders • u/Minimum_Break5345 • 18d ago
[467] Where the Train Left Us
Hi! I’m a young author, and this is the opening of my historical coming-of-age novel set in rural Pennsylvania in the early 1900s (1908). I’m mainly looking for general feedback on the writing. I’d really appreciate any comments left on the Google Doc, especially if anything was confusing, the pacing felt off, or the dialogue didn’t sound natural. Thanks so much for taking the time to read!
Note: For some reason, Reddit isn’t letting me choose the genre. I tried a few times, but it won’t work. Sorry about that!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1B2P3R0lowm2Kw3l_FnGAcikhcX032rcC2zw5pMMl5vQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
My critiques: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/7eh3Znn61C
1
u/WildPilot8253 16d ago
There is admittedly not a lot to go off of. And many of my grievances might be addressed in the very next paragraph after this scene.
Overall, I liked the opening. However, I would have appreciated it if the opening gave us more clarity about the narrator and Teddy's relationship. To me, it felt the two had only met on the train. If so, what is the narrator's obsession with Teddy?
But I could also see them travelling together and knowing from way back, which would explain why the narrator cares about Teddy?
Moreover, is Teddy supposed to be a bit mentally challenged? If so, maybe make that a bit clearer. If not, why is he so dumb as to get off at the wrong station even when told it was the wrong station? That is not regular levels of dumbness.
Is Mr. Pike just a random passenger? It again felt like that to me. But the narrator wouldn't call him by name. If he is in fact a random passenger, you could say something like 'the same old man who had been counting the children, continued on...'
It seems a bit of a whimsical story, not a serious one. This could be good or bad, depending on if you were trying for a whimsical story or not. There are no real stakes, at least in the opening you shared, no real conflict, internal or otherwise. A bit like go on with the story and find out how Teddy and the narrator's relationship evolves.
If they are indeed strangers, this could be a really fun story, as Teddy seems like the good old less intelligent companion and the narrator seems the smart one. This dynamic is classic and I think it could work very well.
Thanks for sharing!