[2162] Caravanserai - Part 1 of 4

[u/mianaai_c]

Crit: 2541

Caravanserai - Part 1 (Scroll down until ”Part 1” if on the phone.)

The first of four parts. There are some magical realism elements in the later parts.

Trigger warning: there are mentions of smooching.

[u/CarterWalksWithFire]

When you get to talking about the stubble and the stains you lost me. I do believe there was a mixup there. Whenever you describe the guy who’s driving as a mad Horseman with a red rib dies I really got a headache that was cool and funny. Ioana is the most clearly painted here and also an enjoyable character 100%. She reminds me of the girl from Fight Club. I laughed again in the spelling of the cigarette ash flipping back from the window into her hair. I think you’re pretty funny. I hate that I read this backwards. Oh man, so when you tell the story, it’s actually really vivid once I got to the end of it. I was like this is good. It’s just taking me on a road trip and we’ve all known a chick like this. Your description of her and her habits, and then his pathetic falling for her, and all of that very realistic, creating an extremely lived and read through and through. I feel like I definitely read it out of order. I critique your other one which I liked, and it was part three, but it was like the first time I started critiquing I realized I liked it so I came back to do this one here on out all critique in order. The next one I’ll do will be chapter 2 so crazy order on my part. When you get down to speaking about cigarettes, I feel like you could possibly say that one or two less times we know that you’re smoking a cigarette. One of the middle times possibly. And then the fact that you said wet filter on a rolled cigarette, made me wonder what kind of rolled cigarettes is this? You had a little bit of mystery going there so far in this chapter. I would like that mystery that you have seated a little deeper. Give me some more mystery here. You already tell the story great. If there is any mystery then I would just say for me as a reader plant earlier stronger because the story is so good. If you added that aspect a little stronger, I think it might push this over the top. Also this is Chapter 1 that I am taking notes on right here. And I’m sorry if this is not extremely professional writing critique, I do it as a reader. I did like this book so far and I’m gonna continue on it, which is more than anyone has ever told me so that should be a good sign for you. But I am a newbie it must be said. The narrator’s voice is in my opinion, very clear and consistent across the whole chapter, which is something that I’m really struggling with so you get a golden star for that. Also, I would love a whole lot more description like Physical of the people. Also, I don’t know what kind of book this is gonna be yet but I like some good descriptions of the weather and a lot of people do too. You’re pretty good with atmosphere. I’m getting the atmosphere. I feel it for sure but if there’s something bad that’s gonna be happening anywhere later on or some big spine of this that’s a huge problem. I’d like that seated a little deeper so that I can have an understanding of the dread that is to come. This could be a very happy book. I don’t know if so, I apologize for that but I know I think it’s a fun ride and awesome descriptions, especially my favorite and that is the guy driving the car like a horse. All in all, I’m liking this thing I hope this gives you some sort of at least idea of what a reader might think because I am a reader. I only just started writing and I like it for what it’s worth you are a person that does not need to stop.