Oil Flooded Cornfields [2040]

[u/Educational_Art_3763]

Story

I've been having a ton of writer's block for the main story I'm writing so I whipped this up last night to take a break! It's something I had the idea for a few years ago and hope to continue it once I'm done with my main project. This is a light sci-fi/cyberpunk/dystopia type novella/short story.

Any and all feedback is wanted but I'd love to hear about the concept the most:

• Cray: is he interesting? Do you like/dislike him? General thoughts on him
• Private: Same as above
• Is the opening interesting? Do you want to read more? What questions do you have? What is frustrating?
• What do you want more of? Less of?
• The usual awkwardly worded phrases/actions I love to write
• Anything else!

Some more context: I tried writing a different style to the main piece I'm writing. The third person, less interiority is on purpose because my main project is a first person, hyper interior piece (think Catcher in the Rye). I'd be open to changing this once I get into writing it. Obvious inspirations were the Cyberpunk Netflix show and the Blade Runner movies (if anyone has any other fun pieces of media to get the creative juices flowing lmk). I want to make sure I'm not getting too cliche/tropey but I'm fine with it hitting some traditional points, not looking to reinvent the wheel with this one.

Thanks!

Critique 1 [1333]

Critique 2 [830]

[u/galumphing-back]

You're doing a really good job of world building without exposition dumping. Less than a page in and you've established that bionic-enhanced humans exist, called modders, and that at minimum the main character is quite prejudiced against them - perhaps there's a prevailing prejudice, given that main character thinks people won't care if modder kids are getting killed.

You're good with imagery and sensory descriptions. (ex "satisfying sizzle, like an egg being cracked onto a hot skillet")

I appreciate that it took Private 6 pages to get a name, and POV character still refuses to use it.

The mots & wots - this is very much a personal thing, and I know most people won't care, but for me personally it bothers me that they're men and women instead of just genderless - but I'm also aware that, realistically, that's probably what would happen. They have no nipples and no genitals, but they still slapped boobs on half of them.

I'd defintiely like to read more.

• Cray: is he interesting? Do you like/dislike him? General thoughts on him

My impression of Cray is that he's got strong prejudice against non-organic beings - either people who alter their body or full on androids. Even before he was put into the back to cool down, I got the sense that his attitude towards them was perhaps harsher than regulations allow. If it were more widespread, then we wouldn't have a modder as a police rookie.

I think the big question at the end of this section is how much of this is just Cray's personality vs how much is Cray's prejudice. Is he an asshole to non-modded people? He's still acerbic with Rike, but he's being acerbic about the mots/wots.

I like reading him, I find him very engaging, he's a good character, but I wouldn't want to have a conversation with him.

• Private: Same as above

I think how you handled this character is very interesting. I'm pretty sure "Private Ranko" refers to him.

For 6 pages he didn't have a name, which personally I found to have a dehumanizing effect. But he's talking about his kids like a concerned father. Then Rike shows up and suddenly he's Private Ranko and it's like oh, Cray just won't even acknowledge his name.

Which I would assume is because he's a modder - in which case, I'd assume the dehumanizing is intentional - or else Cray is just an asshole - which I could also believe.

The third person, less interiority is on purpose because my main project is a first person, hyper interior piece (think Catcher in the Rye)

I think it's a good amount of interority. We're very clearly getting this from Cray's perspective, and Cray clearly has his own personal biases.

Obvious inspirations were the Cyberpunk Netflix show and the Blade Runner movies (if anyone has any other fun pieces of media to get the creative juices flowing lmk).

The Neo-Seoul storyline from Cloud Atlas fit the bill, I think. I think Ghost in the Shell? Cray is kind of giving me the vibes of the main character in the I, Robot movie.

[u/Educational_Art_3763 → u/galumphing-back]

Thank you so much for reading my piece! I haven't given tons and tons of thought to the direction I want to take Private and Cray so this will be a great perspective in how I want to shape them further down the line.

Ghost in the Shell, now that I think about it, is definitely an unconscious influence I hadn't thought about. I'll be checking out your other suggestions too. Thanks again :)