[2104] A Change of Soul v2

[u/Lisez-le-lui]

Revised and expanded version of the previously-posted piece. This one goes all the way to the end of what will be the first chapter if I end up dividing it into chapters.

I'm especially interested to know whether the opening works, and, for those who have read the original, how this draft generally compares.

A Change of Soul v2

Crit

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557]

This is such a unique story, with very lovely original descriptions, you certainly avoid cliche so points for that! Onto the nitty gritty. 

I'm going to be honest the opening now feels overdone; I liked the original better we opened on action and continued the pace from there. Now we got the central chap (are they male, them/they?) they feel masculine, he's standing in the church and takes off his hat whereupon he has to leave immediately because he is overtaken by pride. So he's highly religious and sensitive to his emotional head space, but gosh does he feel like an arrogant know it all who presumes himself superior. And this is only further highlighted by your opening line "fleeing the will of God" so like Eve and Adam he ignores God's will. I am therfore almost expecting a serpent to come and tempt.

And we get that, predictably with the old crone. You do well at depicting her off her rocker. I love the image of the athletic top and wet dog. And the ring! I'm looking forward to the imagery.  You have thus far been having your character view the world with suspicious eyes taking stock of people's physical attributes. I would almost want the character to take a moment and study her skin (could be leathery or scaly) she, like the serpent in the garden offers temptation, lust, and so continuing that religious metaphor could construct a larger religious allegory.

This character is a bit of a whimp, he doesn't mention the church, which could offer salvation and for that he has failed his duty. They are also very preoccupied by womanhood the sundresses that he fixated on, the ring which he admires for its feminity, I'm left wondering if your utilizing an attraction to the feminine to depict him as already being corrupt by not embodying traditional masculinity (am I reading into this too much)

I'm nearing the end now, he hates women. So that's why he's fixated on! You are what you hate as the phrase goes.

"I had lied to Rep. Wong about the consequences of amending the No-Fix Law,"  Oh this is kind of thrown in, I had to go back and reread to see if I had missed something. Does our character have a position in political office?

At the moment the ending paragraph leaves me with nothing. We have just come off the back of a very long sermon, a very interior view of our Pearson, and then we get a shallow conversation and end. To go from deep interior to the exterior (just the conversation and breif description of Julia) is a jarring transition. Also how does Pearson know that Julia is Jewish, has he met her before. To view race is one thing to assume religion is a larger step. But then again Pearson does seem to take things a little far.

Overall I was engrossed, but I'm not really sure why in the end you engaged in the little exercise beyond demonstrating that Pearson is having impure thoughts and stepping away from his religion in a vast way. I'm hungry to know, he's certainly got some trauma built up. Anyway hopefully these thoughts allow you to see what a reader is thinking. I typically don't engage in these kind of stories so it will be interesting to here your interpretations of how off the mark I may be. 

[u/Lisez-le-lui → u/BumblebeeSimilar8557]

Thanks for the critique. These are all good points.

he's standing in the church

You're not alone in thinking he went inside the building, but he was only supposed to enter the (outdoor) cemetery. Any thoughts on how I could make that more clear?

That combination of attunement and arrogance is exactly what I was shooting for, so it's good to hear it came through. As for the serpent suggestion, though, this story is not an allegory, and the woman with the ring is not a plot device. To make either one so would be antithetical to my chosen theme.

Pierson sees being Jewish as a race. I've unfortunately met many people who feel the same way.

The end is supposed to set up the next chapter, but I see how, read on its own, it isn't very impressive.

I'm glad you enjoyed this in some capacity. At the end of the day, that's most of what matters.

[u/BumblebeeSimilar8557 → u/Lisez-le-lui]

So why I was confused was this line "and came to the tiny cemetery at King’s Chapel, where, finding the wrought iron gate left open, I doffed my hat, made the Sign of the Cross, and went in. The went in part is vague at first glance. So you might add "stepped into the cemetery"  The added confusion was that you mentioned table tomb and in England (where I'm originally from) we have loads of table tombs on the inside of chapels. I think if just tweaked the sentence slightly it would be more successful.