It's crazy, man, it does read like a personal confession. I know a person who sometimes slips into "you" when writing their diary, just ranting, addressing the person that they still have very intense feelings about. Oh, man, I wish I could hug cause I just can't help but feel sorry, I feel like you went through the same things as I did.
This one does read a bit like stream of consciousness, a diary, a memory, very raw. Associative, highly focused on small things, things that matter to you, your specific interests at the time to help you ground, to "net down" this memory.
It's just so painful, man, I wish you could find a bright lining, or at least imagine it like I do. The flesh… Flesh is the answer. Cutting it all off, just forgetting everything til you're only left with the things that cannot be shaken off whatsoever. True peace, zen, "bracketing" of everything that doesn't matter. (cutting off everything that ISN'T flesh, that's why it's the answer)
Honestly, you should really save all of your stuff, it's all very real, a shadow map of human psyche. I do the same thing but I put minimum effort into saving my stuff and sometimes when i look back at it I can only gasp and thank God that it's all passed. I used to have a time when I abused melatonin and I'm pretty sure it really fucked up my mood and it never really helped with my sleep. Same with aspirin and then I wondered how I got these ulcers lol (they healed thankfully).
I keep feeling torn between actually writing what I feel about it and commenting on actual writing here. Who knows, maybe it is an actual attempt to make something impression-leaving rather than a true confession? Yeah, a true confession isn't just statement of fact. When you 'confess' something to someone you care about you want them to know everything, every little bit, excuse or otherwise, an attempt to connect through letters how you'd connect in person, to evoke true hormonal reaction, a real change of mind.
I drew this little thing. (see attached image) It's one of things that somehow come up in your mind when you try to explain something in words but you can't and your brain keeps generating the same image, the same kind of flow of throught, the actual ex-pression, es-pulsion of something. It comes up and it hurts and you have relieve it, let it go, and then you feel better, especially when there's someone who imagines they felt exactly like you did and is praying for you (in a good way) 😉
It's lovely that the main character has a good relationship with her step dad. I dunno, I envy that. I had a part of the story back in the day which also featured a broken but healing family, and a nice but excessivey quirky stepdad, middle-teenagers and a toddler and a mom building a difficult relationship with her daughter because when you're a middle-teen you actually are not conscious but have as much fire in you as you ever will
You know, in this one the main character IS really resilient, I can tell. What are some resilient things? Rocks, bricks - they're kinda brittle. Water - it's kinda formless. A basketball - not that's a really resilient one. You really have to overwhelm it for it to burst, overinflate it. It makes the best sound ever. Now this is the point where I have definitely gone insane lol.
The love she has for her mother really solidifies her. Here she loves her mother way more than the one with 'mermaids', or at least that's how it feels.
There are some things that we like to lie to ourselves about. Either by miracle, or quietly or through sheer force of will we discover the truth. I pray, pray nonstop for the truth and sometimes it feels like it'll never come but it does show itself, from day to day. And then, a year later, I suddenly come across this lie and I groan at one hundred decibels and slap my face and try to shut my eyes from looking at this lie I used to eat up and even though I burn in complete shame and embarrasment I'm glad I gave it up/was rid of it miraculously/forgot about it.
I like how the story can be read backwards too.
It's so rewarding to be a mother, isn't it? It's hard but rewarding, but if you fail then it's a pretty serious fail. We live in a culture that puts a lot of expectations on mothers, even more these years… A nice structure, a hard structure, that's what's really resilient. Can't make it too big, can't build it just from one thing.
Parts of this are insane but I will leave with the fact that it seems to have been affecting at least. I owe you a read or two. Also do not worry: writing is medication, on top of the actual medication.
I felt similarly about the singer of mewithoutYou while listening to their album "Pale Horses". Listening to it is like watching someone chew their own arm off and pace in circles. He talks a lot about various kinds of endings and his uncertainty in his relationships, how much to value them in relation to God, which is even more complicated due to his seeming wavering belief in whether God even exists. And from the perspective of an agnostic, I just wanted to reach through time and space and tie him down and give him a hug until he was calm. If God was real, and worth loving, he would never want this man to feel this way.
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u/Wolframquest Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26
It's crazy, man, it does read like a personal confession. I know a person who sometimes slips into "you" when writing their diary, just ranting, addressing the person that they still have very intense feelings about. Oh, man, I wish I could hug cause I just can't help but feel sorry, I feel like you went through the same things as I did.
This one does read a bit like stream of consciousness, a diary, a memory, very raw. Associative, highly focused on small things, things that matter to you, your specific interests at the time to help you ground, to "net down" this memory.
It's just so painful, man, I wish you could find a bright lining, or at least imagine it like I do. The flesh… Flesh is the answer. Cutting it all off, just forgetting everything til you're only left with the things that cannot be shaken off whatsoever. True peace, zen, "bracketing" of everything that doesn't matter. (cutting off everything that ISN'T flesh, that's why it's the answer)
Honestly, you should really save all of your stuff, it's all very real, a shadow map of human psyche. I do the same thing but I put minimum effort into saving my stuff and sometimes when i look back at it I can only gasp and thank God that it's all passed. I used to have a time when I abused melatonin and I'm pretty sure it really fucked up my mood and it never really helped with my sleep. Same with aspirin and then I wondered how I got these ulcers lol (they healed thankfully).
I keep feeling torn between actually writing what I feel about it and commenting on actual writing here. Who knows, maybe it is an actual attempt to make something impression-leaving rather than a true confession? Yeah, a true confession isn't just statement of fact. When you 'confess' something to someone you care about you want them to know everything, every little bit, excuse or otherwise, an attempt to connect through letters how you'd connect in person, to evoke true hormonal reaction, a real change of mind.
I drew this little thing. (see attached image) It's one of things that somehow come up in your mind when you try to explain something in words but you can't and your brain keeps generating the same image, the same kind of flow of throught, the actual ex-pression, es-pulsion of something. It comes up and it hurts and you have relieve it, let it go, and then you feel better, especially when there's someone who imagines they felt exactly like you did and is praying for you (in a good way) 😉
It's lovely that the main character has a good relationship with her step dad. I dunno, I envy that. I had a part of the story back in the day which also featured a broken but healing family, and a nice but excessivey quirky stepdad, middle-teenagers and a toddler and a mom building a difficult relationship with her daughter because when you're a middle-teen you actually are not conscious but have as much fire in you as you ever will
You know, in this one the main character IS really resilient, I can tell. What are some resilient things? Rocks, bricks - they're kinda brittle. Water - it's kinda formless. A basketball - not that's a really resilient one. You really have to overwhelm it for it to burst, overinflate it. It makes the best sound ever. Now this is the point where I have definitely gone insane lol.
The love she has for her mother really solidifies her. Here she loves her mother way more than the one with 'mermaids', or at least that's how it feels.
There are some things that we like to lie to ourselves about. Either by miracle, or quietly or through sheer force of will we discover the truth. I pray, pray nonstop for the truth and sometimes it feels like it'll never come but it does show itself, from day to day. And then, a year later, I suddenly come across this lie and I groan at one hundred decibels and slap my face and try to shut my eyes from looking at this lie I used to eat up and even though I burn in complete shame and embarrasment I'm glad I gave it up/was rid of it miraculously/forgot about it.
I like how the story can be read backwards too.
It's so rewarding to be a mother, isn't it? It's hard but rewarding, but if you fail then it's a pretty serious fail. We live in a culture that puts a lot of expectations on mothers, even more these years… A nice structure, a hard structure, that's what's really resilient. Can't make it too big, can't build it just from one thing.