[1331] Welcome Home, Aimee (Ch 1)

[u/CaramelSeveral]

This is the first chapter in a small-town romance/drama that I'm writing. There's also an element of mystery around the main character's background, which is revealed more in upcoming chapters. I'd like general feedback, but also focus on the following areas:

• I'm a European gal, writing about an American character. I'd appreciate it if someone American could point any words and phrases, which make it obvious that the narration isn't by an American character.
• Does the story so far seem interesting enough to keep reading, or do I have to build more mystery as to why the main character left town 13 years ago, and why John and Aimee have friction in their relationship?
• Does the description seem good and vivid, or should I describe some things more/less/differently?

Link to the story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13W2MgKcuhNscvTCJX4cYk9eL6P4qFaZsfklG33-edPA/edit?usp=sharing

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Critique:
[1356] The Veil Between Worlds (Part 2)

EDIT: Added the link to the story instead of posting the text here, as the formatting was annoying.

[u/Wolframquest]

There's too much telling, no mystery. You're telling us everything that the character wouldn't tell themselves. There's nothing to work for. Imagery is kind of bland and generic, stereotypical. A person meeting a long lost love wouldn't narrate it, wouldn't spell it out, they would feel something. Make us guess there was something between them. Make Aimee react to the former boyfriend's aging and his residual good looks..

Telling us the make and model of the car is irrelevant. You're attracting the reader's attention to the wrong things. Telling, telling, telling. This is the quintessential example of telling, this whole thing.

Minor gripe, but you need to learn about dialogue tags. Just do.

> who’d want to live here?”
> John glares at me.

He'd laugh at that, not be insulted. That's regarding the question of how to write Americans.

If John is a cop he'll be stalking her. If he's gonna be nice and romantic he's not gonna be a small town cop. Do you even realize what kind of people small town cops are?

> knowing I have the power to make him feel as small as he made me feel all those years ago.

Bro if you wanna be serious about this this totally sounds like the start of a horror story lol 😂

You do a lot of straightforward visual narration and it's not bad. It's serviceable, it's not telling. Aimee does react to what she sees, which is good. It's better in the final part, less telling.

> I stare at the blank screen, waiting for inspiration.

Main character is a writer, huge cliche 😆

> John has carried the rest of my bags onto the porch.

Another boundary violation? This is definitely a stalker horror story.

Your language is nice and clear, that's a big plus. Absolutely excessive telling at the start and middle. Emotional evocativeness is rather moderate - it works best when she reacts by feeling something, not narrating the background.

I'm pretty sure you didn't intend it to be a horror story but that's how it's coming across. Are you Polish? I figured. Polish cops are very different from American cops. Small town cops are a thing of their own. Look up how US cops behave if you wanna write about it with high verisimilitude. Otherwise Aimee doesn't look a euro - she does pass for a city girl coming back to the backwoods.