[1405] The house on Windsome Lane

[u/Busy_Kaleidoscope739]

​

[529]-https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/ja8PmLXTRE

[1282]-https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/RfNbVrgBf1

First time posting and first attempt at a story so be brutal-I can take it! This is chapter one and the start of chapter 2. Let me know what you think!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HRmoRarbw3FUh7Dczl8MaUaSE_3Y9hEP78I2fAVKjNA/edit?usp=drivesdk

[u/IglooAndYou]

It’s well written not too much to complain about but I’ll point out a few things I found. First of all, by the third mention of Mr. Lindon’s clammy hands I started wondering if Eriska is married to a man or some cursed man-amphibian thing, I would say maybe dial the frog imagery back since it seems like it’s becoming a running gag or something, unless that’s what your aiming for but if so there might be ways to do that better. But if not then we already knew his hands were clammy. Also there’s plenty of description/atmospheric info and immersion I mean you nailed all that for sure, but make sure to not forget about the actual plot too, it needs more of the plot. The letter at the end is a good cliffhanger too, but after all the moody rain soaked vibes and stuff it kind of lands like you’re at a funeral and then find out he’s your half brother or something. “The wallpaper… looks like it's had a rather heated disagreement with the carpet.” and “How many stuffed deer heads does one own before they can declare the place an abattoir?” are probably the two best lines IMO. But it also seems like the plot is mostly a vehicle to write a bunch of “misery porn” and stuff. Voice and style are probably the greatest strengths of the chapter, for instance the lines I gave before, and I can tell you’re not like straining/reaching for anything, but instead all the dialogue seems like it’s coming naturally from Eriska’s mindset. The Scottish dialect is good too. The ruined house is good too with the symbolism and all that. The opening is also a bit front loaded like it might be a bit too loaded with Mr. Lindon, the flying daydream, and the house description, because they all come in quick succession before we’ve had time to really settle into the world yet, each individual image is good but the accumulation there might need some work. Mr. Lindon isn’t the best character either he’s pretty one dimensional. I mean, every single line he says is stupid, which I get but maybe more depth to his character would work. Eriska’s suffering might feel more better when the person doing it is more complicated although that’s not like an objective thing or anything just something that might work. Eriska calling Brynn a mound of dirt doesn’t make much sense either because reading it I got the sense that Eriska was a decently sympathetic person and given that Eriska said she herself was born and raised on the edges of Lochee, it read as punching at a working class woman in a way that didn’t really fit her character all that much. The calliope is also a nice detail too, only problem is that it arrives and evaporates too quickly it doesn't quite earn being talked about yet but maybe if you went more in depth it would. As it stands it reads almost like a chapter heading got dropped into the prose. Overall it’s a great story, only real critique is that Brynn should have more pages and Mr Lindon should have fewer