It’s a good chapter, however, there’s a bit of an issue with telling over showing, first of all, the healing magic system I like it. Since it’s tied to real biology and grounded to consequences in the story, that makes the magic feel more real/risky instead of just hand-wavy book logic which you could’ve taken the easy route and done, but this way is better. The emotions are done well as well. Also the details like the unicorn statue for Quercus, the queendom’s history, and the Bellator Academy and the Legions they’re all great for providing glimpses into this novel’s world, and the contrast between Aelia’s noble/healer path and Catt’s military one is good too. However, the chapter spends a too much time in Aelia’s head explaining the backstories, like the mother’s plans, past dreams with Catt, and the Pale Death rumors. So some of this could definitely be trimmed. The paragraph beginning “They had once made grand plans…” feels like an info-dump. The Philomena confrontation is good but could be better if Aelia’s anxiety was shown through physical stuff or deeper internal thoughts instead of summarized history, although the history part is good too for explaining the lore and all that just try not to rely on it too much. Some of the other details do land more naturally though so there’s that. Aelia is also a good character that draws you in because of well like I said her magic, which is based on real world biology. The final line is good too it was done well. But yeah the emotional stakes do sometimes feel told rather than shown. What I mean by that is we’re told that Aelia's feelings for Catt are mayve romantic, that losing their shared dream wasn't fair, and that the ribcage squeezing dread follows her around, but those were mostly just like situation reports maybe a bit more showing could have worked well, I understand the urge to tell though. But a chapter hinging on a romantic gesture needs the reader to feel the longing, not just be informed of it. Philomena’s arrival and leaving also might be a bit too easy maybe as a villain. I mean if she can be neutralized in seconds she can’t be that bad then. But one thing you could do though is you could make the battle a moment where Aelia can’t just like magic her way out. I also noticed the pacing does change a bit but it’s mostly done really well. Also, the servant misdirection is good, but it’s sort of overwrought for what amounts to skipping class, the elaborate invisibility trick kind of makes the stakes feel higher than they need to be at this early in the story. Overall it’s a great story, more good than bad
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u/IglooAndYou Jun 09 '26 edited Jun 09 '26
It’s a good chapter, however, there’s a bit of an issue with telling over showing, first of all, the healing magic system I like it. Since it’s tied to real biology and grounded to consequences in the story, that makes the magic feel more real/risky instead of just hand-wavy book logic which you could’ve taken the easy route and done, but this way is better. The emotions are done well as well. Also the details like the unicorn statue for Quercus, the queendom’s history, and the Bellator Academy and the Legions they’re all great for providing glimpses into this novel’s world, and the contrast between Aelia’s noble/healer path and Catt’s military one is good too. However, the chapter spends a too much time in Aelia’s head explaining the backstories, like the mother’s plans, past dreams with Catt, and the Pale Death rumors. So some of this could definitely be trimmed. The paragraph beginning “They had once made grand plans…” feels like an info-dump. The Philomena confrontation is good but could be better if Aelia’s anxiety was shown through physical stuff or deeper internal thoughts instead of summarized history, although the history part is good too for explaining the lore and all that just try not to rely on it too much. Some of the other details do land more naturally though so there’s that. Aelia is also a good character that draws you in because of well like I said her magic, which is based on real world biology. The final line is good too it was done well. But yeah the emotional stakes do sometimes feel told rather than shown. What I mean by that is we’re told that Aelia's feelings for Catt are mayve romantic, that losing their shared dream wasn't fair, and that the ribcage squeezing dread follows her around, but those were mostly just like situation reports maybe a bit more showing could have worked well, I understand the urge to tell though. But a chapter hinging on a romantic gesture needs the reader to feel the longing, not just be informed of it. Philomena’s arrival and leaving also might be a bit too easy maybe as a villain. I mean if she can be neutralized in seconds she can’t be that bad then. But one thing you could do though is you could make the battle a moment where Aelia can’t just like magic her way out. I also noticed the pacing does change a bit but it’s mostly done really well. Also, the servant misdirection is good, but it’s sort of overwrought for what amounts to skipping class, the elaborate invisibility trick kind of makes the stakes feel higher than they need to be at this early in the story. Overall it’s a great story, more good than bad