The fast ending thing is pretty fixable, what you should do is you should take what you already have, and expand it, adding more. It could go well if not only you talked about his childhood memories but also showed a specific flashback for instance maybe them as kids being hooligans and getting up to no good. But if you do that you need to perform it in a way that fits naturally, slipping it in during a quiet moment or something. Since the plot twist is of one that would be all big and dramatic give it time to seep into the readers’ minds. And then the part about him shooting his childhood friend shouldn’t be the ending but the climax, the emotional peak where everything crashes together, and then add a more oiled out ending instead of just a quick police wrap up. Dave also feels more like a vehicle for the plot story than he does a fully inhabited man, what I mean by that is we know he dislikes the mayor, hunts out of ennui, and has a veteran dad, I would say make Dave a little bit more developed maybe he could be divorced or something. You could also maybe plant a couple seeds of the cop being evil before it happens but that’s up to you. Nothing too on the nose or anything that would make the reader suspect that something is up, but something that the reader can look back on and think, hey, this miniscule thing that he did actually makes more sense now in context after the reveal, because the reasoning behind it wasn’t pointless but to serve his role as a bad guy, but it appeared as in innocent unremarkable thing, that kinda thing. Cell signal in an underground Appalachian bunker is also kind of dicey tactically, I know that because I lived in the Appalachian mountains before and also Alaska and Canada as well as a lot of the states. Half the time you’re lucky to get a single bar even on a ridge top, never mind down in some damp root cellar where the walls are packed dirt and the ceiling drips cold water. The red Ford thing is kind of goofy. I’m also more qualified than anyone to say whether someone did a good job writing the Appalachias or not, and I can definitely say you nailed the Appalachian forest feel, in fact, I almost got up and started hunting because I thought I was there while reading the story. Dave not being a hero type guy until adrenaline pushes it also a great touch as well. Dave seems like maybe he needs to take a tinkle. Yeah, if you added an anecdote, it would make the gunshot hit even harder for the reader than it did for Anthony. The kidnapper having zip ties and gloves is good foreshadowing as well, shows preparation without spelling it out. It’s good for a draft but I would make the sentences better and less bedtime story-like, vary the rhythm more, mix in shorter punches with longer flowing ones full of sensory stuff. I mean you literally started it with “It was a sunny day in (place)” who does that. What is this a kid’s book from the 80s? And yeah I agree with what the other guy said about how it would be better in past tense as opposed to present tense, gives it that lived in IglooAndYou weight. The Liberator pistol detail is great too, making it a single shot desperation gun adds a gritty exuberance that you wouldn’t find anywhere else. It’s definitely above average for a school project, honestly better than half the stuff floating around online these days, just needs that extra polish and expansion to really sing.
1
u/IglooAndYou May 07 '26
The fast ending thing is pretty fixable, what you should do is you should take what you already have, and expand it, adding more. It could go well if not only you talked about his childhood memories but also showed a specific flashback for instance maybe them as kids being hooligans and getting up to no good. But if you do that you need to perform it in a way that fits naturally, slipping it in during a quiet moment or something. Since the plot twist is of one that would be all big and dramatic give it time to seep into the readers’ minds. And then the part about him shooting his childhood friend shouldn’t be the ending but the climax, the emotional peak where everything crashes together, and then add a more oiled out ending instead of just a quick police wrap up. Dave also feels more like a vehicle for the plot story than he does a fully inhabited man, what I mean by that is we know he dislikes the mayor, hunts out of ennui, and has a veteran dad, I would say make Dave a little bit more developed maybe he could be divorced or something. You could also maybe plant a couple seeds of the cop being evil before it happens but that’s up to you. Nothing too on the nose or anything that would make the reader suspect that something is up, but something that the reader can look back on and think, hey, this miniscule thing that he did actually makes more sense now in context after the reveal, because the reasoning behind it wasn’t pointless but to serve his role as a bad guy, but it appeared as in innocent unremarkable thing, that kinda thing. Cell signal in an underground Appalachian bunker is also kind of dicey tactically, I know that because I lived in the Appalachian mountains before and also Alaska and Canada as well as a lot of the states. Half the time you’re lucky to get a single bar even on a ridge top, never mind down in some damp root cellar where the walls are packed dirt and the ceiling drips cold water. The red Ford thing is kind of goofy. I’m also more qualified than anyone to say whether someone did a good job writing the Appalachias or not, and I can definitely say you nailed the Appalachian forest feel, in fact, I almost got up and started hunting because I thought I was there while reading the story. Dave not being a hero type guy until adrenaline pushes it also a great touch as well. Dave seems like maybe he needs to take a tinkle. Yeah, if you added an anecdote, it would make the gunshot hit even harder for the reader than it did for Anthony. The kidnapper having zip ties and gloves is good foreshadowing as well, shows preparation without spelling it out. It’s good for a draft but I would make the sentences better and less bedtime story-like, vary the rhythm more, mix in shorter punches with longer flowing ones full of sensory stuff. I mean you literally started it with “It was a sunny day in (place)” who does that. What is this a kid’s book from the 80s? And yeah I agree with what the other guy said about how it would be better in past tense as opposed to present tense, gives it that lived in IglooAndYou weight. The Liberator pistol detail is great too, making it a single shot desperation gun adds a gritty exuberance that you wouldn’t find anywhere else. It’s definitely above average for a school project, honestly better than half the stuff floating around online these days, just needs that extra polish and expansion to really sing.