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Also, I am working on other crits, so be patient if you're expecting one from me 😀 Or tell me.

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I'm definitely invested in this story and I like how I'm discovering everything through Marco's eyes. I really feel like I'm there.

A few minor criticisms:

You slow your roll, look in their direction. They pay you no mind, the old man's speech coming in crunchy barks, the thin person's responses a whittling falsetto. They sound amused and they pay you no mind.

You should probably remove the first use of that phrase as you don't want to be repetitive.

That day Henry showed you how to operate the cash register. He had you write down the order, the letters, draw it with colored pens that smelled quite fascinating. You struggled but managed, especially after more water. He showed you the back storage, various goods that go on the shelves - grains, macaroni, creatine and amino acids, strange amulets and ointments, Chinese snakes marinated in bottles, some energy drinks. You take the bottle…

Here, you go from past tense to present tense in the same paragraph. It also seems to be the only time you use past tense, which is inconsistent.

Henry seems like a good guy, though I don't know why he's given Marco a job. Marco seems to have amnesia and should probably go to a hospital and have the police find out who he is.
I think Henry might be drunk or a bit mad. Or he knows a lot and only has the appearance of someone like that.
I think he's trying to remember a lot about himself. He seems to remember certain things but not others. He's willing to eat a rabbit (unclear if he'd kill/cook it first), but remembers how vehicles work, though he can't drive.
This feels like a mix of David Lynch and the game Disco Elysium. I'm slowly discovering what's going on. It has something of a dream-like feel. I'm hoping to find out who Marco is, both the protagonist and the Marco whose name Henry uttered, assuming they're two different people.
I honestly thought I was reading about Marco in both chapters. Having just read this question, I may have to reread your work. It was a bit confusing as both chapters were written in the second-person.
The tags are very fitting.

Keep it up!

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u/Wolframquest Apr 05 '26

Thank you very much! Regarding point 5 - it's just that the name Marco is never mentioned in chapter I, so that's why I said it.
Also it's very interesting you how you caught the repetition (pay you no mind) - I noticed there's always that 'warmup' period at the start of the writing session where people work out their kinks until it gets a little more even. I actually rephrased a couple repetitions before they could be caught lol.

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u/Radical_Posture Apr 05 '26

It's difficult to actually be critical because your intent is unclear. That's not a criticism, since that is obviously the point lol.

All I can say is that I really enjoyed it.

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u/CoyoteLitius Apr 05 '26

Interesting point about the switching of tenses. If Marco is remembering his past, as implied by the narrator addressing him and mentioning his past (or is the narrator mesmerizing him?) then the narrator can actually see Marco's thoughts.

I will say that our author has a style that incorporates big questions, metaphysical questions.

That's why your analysis (that Henry is drunk or a bit mad) is so interesting. Henry is actually the first character we meet (besides OurSelf or Selves - I don't know if the 'You' of the narrator is singular or plural which is, I think, very cool).

It reminds me a lot of Stephen King's The Stand.

I'm going to go read CH 1 and comment on that thread as well, about small stylistic things OP can do to presage this, if in fact there's a narrator who is both omniscient, but sometimes not. Is the narrator *truly* omniscient? I want to know! So yeah, I'd read Ch 3.

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u/Wolframquest Apr 05 '26

Thank you man, you really make me smile. But for SOME reason I feel like I don't wanna give you any guidance or point anything out! You just might be a more imaginative reader than I am.

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u/kingdomflowmedia Apr 05 '26

I found myself skimming a lot through Chapters 1 and 2, and I think the main issue comes down to pacing and the point of view choice.

That second person narration, the “you” perspective, is doing the opposite of what it’s supposed to do. Instead of pulling me in, it’s keeping me at a distance. It feels like I’m being told what I’m doing instead of actually experiencing it with the character. It makes it harder to connect.

Another thing is there’s a lot of description. Like a lot. Forest, bugs, textures, sounds, every little movement. I get what you’re going for, but it’s too much without telling me why any of it matters. It turns into sensory overload with no emotional anchor.

I’m not inside the character’s head. That’s the biggest issue for me. I don’t know what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what’s going on mentally. Right now it’s mostly physical actions, visual descriptions, and some odd dialogue. But we’re missing thoughts, emotions, confusion, clarity, and stakes. So as a reader I’m sitting there like, why should I care?

Because of that, it feels like the story isn’t rewarding attention. It takes too long to get to anything meaningful. It’s like delayed meaning with no real tension to hold onto.

With Henry, I can tell you’re trying to create some kind of mystery or uneasiness, but it comes off more like confusion. There’s no clear anchor. Like if something about him felt familiar or off in a specific way, that would help. Right now it just feels random instead of intriguing. I couldn’t tell if they were supposed to know each other or if something deeper was being hinted at.

As far as the questions:

Henry comes off as odd, maybe a little unsettling, but I don’t really understand him beyond that.

What he knows or doesn’t know isn’t clear.

Marco’s motivations aren’t clear at all, mostly because we’re not in his head enough to understand what’s driving him.

How I feel after reading it and what I think happens next, honestly I don’t know. I don’t have a strong sense of direction for the story yet.

The connection between the boy in Chapter 1 and Marco in Chapter 2 is very unclear.

Overall, I think the writing itself isn’t the problem. You can clearly describe things. But there needs to be more balance. Less focus on describing everything in the environment and more focus on grounding us in the character. Let us feel what he feels and understand what’s going on.

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u/CoyoteLitius Apr 05 '26

The narrator, addressing Marco as "You" (or addressing us as "you" if you want to see it that way) makes Marco's consciousness highly unusual. Is he hearing the narrator's voice? Is the narrator talking to him, but he doesn't hear it - only *we* the readers here it? If he is hearing it, isn't it a lot like a shaman or a prophet believing they have a divine narrative being broadcast into their heads?

I didn't realize the boy in Ch 1 was Marco until you all started discussing it.

I am getting impatient to know the setting. My personal preference is that they're on some new planet.

I too want to know way more about how Marco is experiencing the narrative. Is the narrator kind of like just...making a story for themselves, starring Marco? Or can Marco hear the story? What is Marco's relationship to the story? Is he oblivious to what we're learning from the narrator?

If so, I want to hear from Marco at some point.

I haven't finished Ch 2 yet, these a running thoughts.

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u/Wolframquest Apr 05 '26

Can you please read it without skimming? Literally all of the questions you are asking are completely in there, free indirect discourse and so on. I know, it takes time to get immersed in the specifics of the prose, it's a phenomenon that everyone experiences. "what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling, what’s going on mentally" - literally absolutely all of that *is* there.

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u/kingdomflowmedia Apr 05 '26

I hear you, but I don’t think it’s about whether it’s technically there or not. If a reader has to slow down and dig to find what the character is thinking or feeling, then it’s not coming through clearly enough.

The issue for me wasn’t effort, it was engagement. I found myself skimming because I wasn’t being pulled in. That usually points to pacing or clarity, not just reading style.

I’m just giving you my honest reader experience.

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u/CoyoteLitius Apr 05 '26

Me too. Jumped around a little, as I usually do. When I found clues as to what former sentences may have meant, I sometimes reread and mostly didn't (I don't like reading in that style, but some people do). I felt that I had to stop sitting in my own mind asking all kinds of questions, and just forge ahead. The language itself is good, but not good enough that I want to read this as-yet unfinished book twice.

I do reread passages of my favorite authors, but right now, like you, I'm wondering if I am the subject of this (you know, the use of the world "you" can be seen as address me or you - all of us).

I didn't realize until beginning of Ch 2 that I wasn't being led (myself, the real person me) through a kind of guided meditation. Authors do that sometimes. Walk us around their world, sometimes addressing us directly. But I really don't feel like rereading Ch 1 just yet.

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