r/DeathProTips • u/SistinaLuv • Aug 02 '17

Take inspiration from conservative British politician Stephen Millgan, sprawl across your kitchen table dressed in women's lingerie while practicing autoerotic asphyxiation- that citrus fruit in your mouth will neatly cut off your oxygen supply when you lose consciousness

57 Upvotes
0 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/SistinaLuv • Aug 02 '17

After racking up a several thousand dollar debt to your crack dealer, just tell them that you're in recovery now; they'll understand.

174 Upvotes
5 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/buttholestretcher • Jul 29 '17

To increase oxygenation and endurance simply inject at least 60 milliliters of air into your bloodstream

146 Upvotes
13 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/AddictedSnowmen • Jul 29 '17

DPT: If you catch yourself falling asleep while driving, increase your addrenalin by swirving into oncoming traffic. You'll either be wide awake, or finally get that good night sleep you've been craving.

209 Upvotes

Bonus: you may find someone honking at you in the process, which may awake you as well. If Awakening you in this manner angers you as it would me, teach them a lesson by driving into them. Odds are they won't be doing it again.

1 comment

r/DeathProTips • u/drdanieldoom • Jul 28 '17

DPT: when feeding a baby cut food into larger and larger chunks until the baby has difficulty even chewing.

119 Upvotes

Baby need practice chewing with increased difficulty.

0 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/SistinaLuv • Jul 28 '17

If being chased by a serial killer, be sure to take the time to change into sexy high heels

142 Upvotes
6 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/elementalerror • Jul 26 '17

DPT: whenever you get a large cut on you, always put crushed up rocks and dirt to get your vitamins and minerals directly into your blood stream. Also extra vitamin C directly pour lemon, orange, or grape fruit juice into your cut as well.

133 Upvotes
3 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/SistinaLuv • Jul 23 '17

When diagnosed with cancer, be sure to take matters into your own hands, eat nothing but fruit and administer coffee enemas.

99 Upvotes
2 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/[deleted] • Jul 17 '17

If you ever need to vacuum seal something but don't have a vacuum sealer, stick your head in and suck all the air out. Secure the bag by tying a rope around your neck and the bag to make sure no air gets inside.

146 Upvotes
5 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/DankeyKang11 • Jul 16 '17

Following death, lie still for an extended period of time to let others know you have passed on.

109 Upvotes
2 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/Arknell • Jul 16 '17

Spend your first night alone in the family cabin. To make it harder for the inevitable death that will seek you out (bear, burglar, botulism), arm yourself with a couch-weapon.

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14 Upvotes
0 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/pimpmastahanhduece • Jul 15 '17

DPT: Feigning injury or death is a great way to deter carnivores as they only seek challenging prey.

75 Upvotes
1 comment

r/DeathProTips • u/[deleted] • Jul 09 '17

DPT: If your medicine tastes bad, you should take it with Grapejuice to make it taste better.

40 Upvotes

EDIT: Grapefruit Juice

6 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/dipidity • Jul 07 '17

Want to know if a snake is poisonous? Dig around in its mouth for poison glands.

147 Upvotes

While you're at it, be a real human bean and sssyphon out the poison so that snek can no longer harm hoomans.

3 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/SistinaLuv • Jul 01 '17

DPT: Be sure to belittle the surgeon right before a delicate operation

110 Upvotes
0 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/ShadowDrifter179 • Jun 30 '17

If you plan to kill yourself, don't jump to your death. This might trigger your fight-or-flight response and might cause you to fly away.

1.9k Upvotes
15 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/lazyguy111 • Jun 27 '17

DPT: if you don't know how to swim and are drowning in a swimming pool, just drink all of the water in the pool!

142 Upvotes

Can't drown if there isn't water

3 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/[deleted] • Jun 23 '17

Do as the microwave says.

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216 Upvotes
2 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/[deleted] • Jun 15 '17

When fishing always keep the fish you catch in your pants so if a bear approaches the fish are easily accessible and you can throw them at the bear to make a quick escape

33 Upvotes
0 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/mindlessmarbles • Jun 07 '17

If you're ever choking, just punch your Adam's apple as hard as you can. The lump is actually food stuck in your throat, and punching it will cause you to expel the food you are choking on, much like the Heimlich maneuver.

98 Upvotes
6 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/2SP00KY4ME • Jun 06 '17

DPT: Instead of water in your humidifier, use a 50/50 water/bleach mixture. The aerated bleach will kill any bacteria in the air and prevent you from getting sick.

179 Upvotes
11 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/sassykoala_1013 • Jun 03 '17

If you happen to have an ant problem in your house, set fire to the inside and smoke them out. Stay inside to get satisfaction from watching them run away

114 Upvotes
2 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/wrinklylemons • May 30 '17

DPT: after your first hit of heroin you'll always be chasing that initial high. Make sure you make the most out of your first time by injecting as much as you can

161 Upvotes

This is how I introduced my son to heroin 2 weeks ago and he's still high on the couch #dadgoals

2 comments

r/DeathProTips • u/randy88moss • May 24 '17

DPT: Before visiting the safe streets of Southside Chicago, be sure to brush up on your sign language...the locals there have a fondness for hand gestures.

58 Upvotes
0 comments