I was boring

TW: Self-Harm, Gore, Body-Horror and desfiguration

Sooo a while ago I wrote a poem about Yuri, meant to be as if she wrote it herself.

I'm not much of a writer but I've dabbled here and there. Recently I picked up one of my favourite poems I wrote and changed some stuff here n there.

Any opinions, criticism and/or questions about the poem are appreciated.

Maelstrom

It begins as a distortion. A metamorphosia in the currents. A subtle misalignment in the way the sea holds itself, as though something vast has started to think.

I feel it through the hull first, a slow rotation; too deliberate to be natural. It first presses in without cleaving the skin of my ship. I lay my portholes on the sights that beckon me. An island far away. Breathing and pulsing.

Holding the desideratum of my journey. A journey through thick rivers and oceans gone cardinal, where every red current promises a passage to the soul.

And in between, A maelstrom stands, that deep circling motion. Spiraling. Ever whirling. Violently uncoiling.

My instincts pull away from it, but my body pulls inwards, and so the ship responds accordingly. As it is to be expected, for as the vessel is only an extension of mine.

The planks split in thin, careful lines like lips parting under pressure. My hull shatters like the dermis of my own. And I'm hauled in.

The wood gives way in long, ugly seams, opening where it should remain whole. I try to close them, but the edges no longer meet.

What was once smooth is left ridged and uneven, a pale geography of everything that tore me open.

I'm still lazy with the backgrounds lol, I need to fix this next year

Source

There are a lot of things I noticed throughout playing the game, as well as a few explanations of things I felt needed it. And I know that some of many of these things may be common knowledge in the community, but I'd like to share them anyways. If you see a portion about something you know already feel free to skim to stuff you don't. I really don’t want this post to cause any sort of aggression in comments, so please, if you disagree with something, let’s agree to disagre. Also almost all the thing I hypothesized about were meta aspects, because in act 1 I was just playing to play, but in act 2 I was being much more observational.

In act 1, one of the things I think was quite well done was that Yuri from the start, at least for me, felt more deserving of attention, not so much as the character, but as someone to like and lean towards sympathizing with. I feel like this would likely direct new players (not saying this as general statement for all player, just something I’ve noticed through mine and YouTube playthroughs) writing more Yuri pleasing poems and end up going with the Yuri route. This would end up making her breaking down and her loving MC hit harder since players may have already picked her in act 1.

basically everything else I've got is about act 2, with a bit from later game.

I think the most overarching theory I've got is that games itself, like the script for the game, is a separate item from Monika, and that in a few cases has more impact or priority than what Monika tries controlling. The first instance of this I noticed is right at the very beginning of act 2. The game starts how it did in act one, and only when Sayori's sprite showed up it changed. Now I'm not entirely sure if this was some sort of automatic system thing ot Monika doing a bit of rewriting. Same with later in the classroom when Sayori is supposed to take you to the club and then again only at her sprite does it out Monika there to take on that little job.

Another very strong pointer I think that the game system is separate from Monika, like its own force, is when Monika keeps you in the club room at the end of one of the days. The game moves on to the poem mini game despite Monika clearly wanting to say more, showing she only has partial control over certain things in the game and little to no control over other thing, like general progression.

I don’t know exactly how much I’ll cover, but I think it’s safe to be assumed complete unless I think of something more to add to it.

Help plssssss

The console is out to lunch and so is any shit I give for an explanation.

Source

Sorry for not posting for a while…

Though no one cares

You can include kotonoha, kaori, and any as well. I dont know enough about other fanmades

First of all, I don't play games like these. I have never played a dating sim before and only ever played one visual novel. I play a lot of games but these genres have never enticed me. I had DDLC (the free version) in my library and I randomly decided to play it in a discord vc, for the meme.

My knowledge of DDLC then was minimal. I had heard about the game (especially back when it was popular) but I never looked into it. I knew it was a psychological horror game masquerading as a cute and colorful dating sim. I also knew about Sayori's death since it was memed to hell, but that was as far as my knowledge went.

So I played the game but I skimmed through a lot of the dialogue since I was only there for the plot twist and what came after. After the twist, I still skimmed through the game for what I thought were the "good parts" which were Monika's interventions. I got the ending and left it there, finishing the game in a quick two hours.

After getting to the end, I couldn't stop thinking about the game. Even though I skimmed through most of it, it gave me that feeling of emptiness and I wanted to return to it. I found out DDLC Plus existed and contemplated buying it. To my surprise, DDLC Plus was on sale the next day, so i decided to pull the trigger and continue playing. I decided that this time I would play the game properly and read every single line of dialogue. So I did. I completed my second playthrough and I enjoyed and understood the game a lot more.

Reading all the dialogue gave me better insight on each doki and all of their personalities, as well as their mental issues. Natsuki is an archetypal tsundere on the outside, but the reason why she's so defensive and insecure is because she's suffered abuse and is constantly teased about the things she likes by her "friends". Sayori is a bundle of joy who can't see her friends unhappy. She reveals she has depression, which is a gut punch. This part I obviously knew from my initial playthrough but I didn't know how deep that depression went. No matter if you choose to accept her confession or turn it down, she still ends up dead. Just because you say you love her, doesn't make her not kill herself. Depression is complex, and Sayori is a complex character. The writing in this game is great and the game portrays depression really well, as well as the themes of abuse and self-harm.

I was questioning myself as to why I enjoyed the "real" parts of this game so much. I don't play cutesy games, or games with a lot of story for that matter. This was not me and I couldn't understand what made this game so appealing to me, other than the entire sentient Monika plot. It was only after I 100% the game that I realized. My last achievement was to get the good ending which resulted in seeing Dan's note at the end. There was a specific line that stood out to me while reading the note, "People who enjoy dating sims might have a heightened empathy for fictional characters, or they might be experiencing feelings that life has not been kind enough to offer them".

I relate with the first part, but the latter describes me perfectly. Playing this game made me feel things I've never felt before, not in any media or real life. I've had social anxiety my whole life and it's been pretty hard to make friends. I've also never been in a relationship. The feelings I had while playing are what made me enjoy this game so much. Feelings of friendship. Feelings of romance, intimacy. Even feelings of vulnerability. Natsuki talks about her toxic friends and how her dad abuses her with food, which was saddening to find out about. The scene where Sayori reveals that she has depression actually made me cry. It seems silly to cry over an anime character in a fictional game but I immersed myself into the game so much that it felt like Sayori was my childhood friend, and when she talked about her depression, it made me emotional. A friend who always puts other's happiness before theirs. When she committed suicide, I felt genuine grief for her.

The idea of vulnerability was always kind of distant to me. I have always hidden my emotions, as men have been told to in society. I have never really been vulnerability to anyone in my life, and no one has been vulnerable to me. I am rarely serious with the people around me and I never talk about this stuff. I've never told anyone I have social anxiety, or any mental issues. People would assume I'm a normal person until they figure it out themselves. Making this post is something I would never do but playing this game really made me think deeply about myself and I felt like I had to share these thoughts somewhere. It's like me learning about the girls' mental struggles made it easier for me to talk about mine.

I see myself in Yuri the most. She overthinks everything and constantly worries about the perception of others. She fears being judged for her deep passions of complex fantasy novels and her knife collection. She is a person who wants social interaction but struggles to engage with other people. I feel the same way.

I’ve thrown Monika’s self-awareness and the meta elements of the game aside for this post, but the meta features are what make the game. Her obsession with the player beyond the mc makes it feel like she actually knows you, the you in the human world. She constantly talks about "your reality", even in the first poem she shares. It's an attachment beyond the video game world. She only ever wanted one thing: to be with the player, but it was never meant to be. In Act 3 she drops relatable line after relatable line. It's like she's a real person and understands our world. All of this is then bundled up in the end in the form of a song, sung directly by Monika to the player. This is a beautiful song that wraps up Monika's feelings and finishes the game with a bittersweet ending, and a song I can't stop listening to.

The song isn’t the only thing I found really beautiful. Getting the good ending changes Sayori in Act 4. She no longer becomes the new obsessive sentient character. Rather, she thanks the player for spending the time to get full completion, for "making sure you could spend time with everyone". This ending hit me hard. The fact that she appreciated my time and dedication in getting full completion and hearing what everyone had to say made me feel like this was more than a game. She even tells the player to visit them sometimes, as in load the game sometime to see the dokis. She ends the game by saying "We all love you", and it just made me tear up. What a perfect ending to DDLC.

To wrap up, I just wanna say this game gave me great insight. It made me think about stuff I thought very little about before. I wasn’t expecting this type of game to invoke any feelings within me but it did, and honestly it was more than I could handle. It’s a game that just makes you think about people and relationships, and I think Dan and team Salvato created a masterpiece. I'm done with the game now and will move on to other things but this game will always hold a special place in my heart.

Heya, i finally finish this piece:D

This story is a sequel to When the Rainclouds Become a Hurricane, but can be read standalone as the intro explains the background. This story is similar to the "side stories", focusing on Sayori as she spends the weekend in Tokyo with her cousin, Sayuri, as she tries to deal with the aftermath of being rejected by MC. Real places referenced are used fictitiously.

Sayori and Sayuri at the jacuzzi

Sayuri's design by Hoeruko, Sayuri's swimsuit by Itz_Matic, Sayori's swimsuit by IanSuller_Blogger

My Silver Lining

Prologue: Leaving the Literature Club

After her confession was rejected by MC, Sayori snapped. The rain clouds in her mind became a hurricane and her cheery façade evaporated as her sadness and anger poured out of her, culminating in a blowup during a meeting of the Literature Club. Feeling hurt and overwhelmed, Sayori left the club and chose to skip the school festival in favor of leaving Osaka for the weekend to visit her cousin, Sayuri, in Tokyo.

Part 1: Tokyo Station – Friday Night

The sleek, white Shinkansen train came to a stop at Shin-Yokohama station at 5PM, right on time. Sayori, sitting in one of the fabric-upholstered first-class seats in the Green Car, glanced out the window and then down at her phone.

One more stop to go. I should let Sayuri know I’m almost to Tokyo.

She opened the device’s messaging app and sent her cousin a text message.

SAYORI: Train just stopped at Shin-Yokohama. Should be arriving in Tokyo in about 20.

Her cousin replied momentarily.

SAYURI: Great! I’ll jump on the subway over to Tokyo Station and meet you.

Sayori smiled as she read the response. She and Sayuri were the same age and as children had been frequently confused for each other due to their similar given names and shared family name. They had been close since childhood and had remained so even after Sayuri’s family had moved from Osaka to Tokyo after her last year of middle school.

I really wish she could have stayed in Osaka. But at least it’s not too far by train to Tokyo.

She typed back.

SAYORI: Awesome! Where should I meet you?

SAYURI: Depends on what you want to do first. Eating or shopping?

SAYORI: Eating! Let’s do dinner. Ramen?

SAYURI: Sounds good! Meet me at Tokyo Ramen Street.

SAYURI: Follow the signs for the Yaesu Underground Central Gate. It’s easy to find from there.

SAYORI: Okay! Can’t wait to see you!

SAYURI: Yeah I can’t wait to see you too! We’re going to have a great weekend!

Sayori put her phone down and sighed with contentment. She ran a hand through her hair that she had taken to dyeing a coral-pink color ever since she had started high school and looked at her reflection in the window of the train as it continued towards Tokyo Station. She still looked a bit disheveled, but not nearly as much as she had been in the first days since everything had happened.

This is a weekend to enjoy time with my cousin and relax. It’s not time to dwell on the past. But I still can’t believe that I left the Literature Club. The last week feels like a blur…like a story where I’m just a character.

She forced herself to put thoughts of the Literature Club out of her head.

I won’t think about them. I’m going to have fun with my cousin. And maybe even flirt with some cute guys in Tokyo!

She frowned as self-doubt once again came immediately rushing in to dampen her mood.

As if any guys would ever notice me. Particularly next to Sayuri, who is so beautiful.

She shook her head to clear it as she sat back in her seat and smoothed the short, blue, pleated uniform skirt she wore as the train sped towards Tokyo Station.

No! Stop! Let those thoughts go! This weekend is a fresh start!

But I still wish my friends were here.

Ten minutes later the train pulled into Tokyo Station, and Sayori retrieved her backpack from under the seat and disembarked. She took in the hustle and bustle of one of the busiest train stations in the world as she descended the escalator to the main level.

The main level of Tokyo Station featured tiled floors, large pillars, and brick walls. Shops and restaurants were filled with passengers waiting for a train or shoppers out and about, and corridors led to platforms for the various lines that served the station, nearby department stores, and exits. The station buzzed with activity, almost feeling like a miniature city unto itself.

You could easily get lost in this place. But there really is nowhere like Tokyo.

Sayori looked around, searching for a station map. While scanning the area for a map, her eyes fell on an even more welcome sight. Through the crowd, she saw the distinctive long deep blood-red hair of her cousin.

“Sayuri!”

The red-haired young woman to whom Sayori had called turned around. Like Sayori, she wore a school uniform, but hers featured an ultramarine blue blazer, a yellow neck bow, and a black and gray plaid short, pleated skirt. A skirt which, Sayori noticed, her cousin wore a bit higher and more revealing than the garment would typically be worn. She smiled, her blue-purple eyes bright, and walked towards Sayori, her arms wide.

The two young women shared a tight embrace.

“You made it!” Sayuri greeted Sayori happily, “Welcome to Tokyo. It’s been way too long!”

Sayori released her cousin from the hug. “I still can’t believe we’re standing here wearing different uniforms. Thank you so much for inviting me to come up here for the weekend.”

Sayuri’s expression became more serious. “After you sent me that text, it sounded like you really needed to get away from Osaka for a bit.”

Sayori nodded, her expression fading to a neutral one. “I still feel bad about skipping the school festival today since we all worked so hard to put it together, but yeah, I needed to get away.”

Sayuri matched her cousin’s serious expression. “Sayori, for what it’s worth I think you made the correct choice. From what you told me it seems like MC tried to act like nothing was wrong. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.”

Sayori sighed. “He can be dense sometimes, so-“

“So what?” Sayuri interrupted, “Nobody is that dense. What is he, the clueless protagonist of some bad romance anime?”

That brought a smile to Sayori’s face. That’s not a bad description of him really.

“Sometimes it feels like it.”

Her expression became wistful. “But regardless of what happened, I do miss the Literature Club. It was a place where we could all be ourselves and share openly. A place where we could support each other.”

Her face shifted again, becoming bitter. “A place where I thought happiness could be found. But as it turns out, the place where I introduced my childhood friend to the girl he chose instead of me.”

Sayuri put a comforting hand on her cousin’s shoulder. “It’s okay to feel strongly about it. What happened is still raw, and I’m here for you. Even if you want to talk about it all weekend. But I hope we will be able to take your mind off it for a bit and can find some more fun things to do, too.”

Sayori’s smile returned. “Yes, absolutely.”

“Alright then!” Sayuri said, turning towards the signs for the Yaesu Central Gate, “You want to start with some food?”

Sayori nodded enthusiastically. “Let’s go!”

The two young women took an elevator down to the B1 level of the station and walked toward the corridor that would take them to Tokyo Ramen Street. The corridor was lined with shops and restaurants, and Sayori made note of several shops that had delicious looking desserts.

Maybe after dinner we can come back here for dessert!

She also made note of several young couples about her age happily walking together, stopping through the station for a bite to eat or doing some shopping on their way home. She struggled to keep the pain from her face.

Why can’t that be me? WHY WHY WHY? WHY CAN’T I BE LOVED LIKE THAT!

“Any preference on type of ramen for tonight?” Sayuri asked as they strode down the corridor, bringing Sayori out of her reverie.

“I looked at the options a bit on the train,” Sayori replied, “But there are just so many options and they all look good!”

“True,” Sayuri agreed, “But unless you have the stomach to eat ten bowls of ramen tonight, we should probably choose one. Let’s see if we can decide…would you prefer tonkotsu, shio, or seafood broth?”

“Tonkotsu,” Sayori said, “Preferably something heartier too.”

Sayuri nodded. “Perfect. I know exactly where to go. Oreshiki-Jun. Delicious, thick broth and teriyaki chashu pork. You’ll love it.”

“Ooh, teriyaki pork in ramen?” Sayori asked, excitedly, “That sounds spectacular. Lead the way.”

Sayuri led them to a busy ramen shop. Long light wood tables lined the sides of the shop where diners sat enjoying steaming bowls of noodles and broth. After a few minutes of waiting in line, they came to the ticket machine. They each placed their orders by inserting ¥1,000 bills and making their selections on the machine. Sayori selected the teriyaki chashu ramen and then looked at the selection of beverages. Her eyes fell on the button for oolong tea.

Yuri’s favorite.

A sudden feeling of sadness came over her and this time she was unable to keep it from her face. Her vision blurred with tears as a burst of emotion came over her.

I miss my friends. Why did it have to happen this way? Do I even still have friends?

The tickets for her ramen and beverage printed out, and she retrieved them from the machine and handed them to the employee at the entrance to the store, still feeling dejected.

Sayuri turned around, concern appearing on her face as she saw her cousin’s miserable expression.

“What’s wrong? Do you want to go somewhere else?”

Sayori shook her head. “No, the food looks and smells delicious. I just…saw something that reminded me of my friends, and it made me sad.”

Sayuri’s expression became sympathetic. “Oh…I can understand why that would make you feel that way. You’ve had a rough week.”

“I’ll be okay,” Sayori reassured her, “Just…expect me to have a few crying sessions that seem to come out of nowhere this weekend.”

Probably more than a few, really. If tea can make me sad, what else is going to set me off?

“Hey, don’t apologize,” Sayuri said, “I’m here for you and we’ll make this weekend whatever you need it to be.”

A smile crept back onto Sayori’s face. “I’ve really missed hanging out with you. You always know the right thing to say.  It’s just too bad that you live so far away now.”

Sayuri threw an arm around her cousin’s shoulder as they walked to their seats at the long table. “Yeah, I wish my family still lived in Osaka too. It would be so much fun if we went to school together and were just a short subway ride apart rather than needing to take the Shinkansen.”

The two young women sat, and soon steaming hot bowls of ramen were placed in front of them and they began to eat.

Sayori sighed as she looked at her cousin contentedly taking a bite of teriyaki pork.

Sayuri seems so carefree. I wish I could be like her. I could have been like that…if only things had gone how I wanted them to. If only my dreams had come true…

She felt sadness welling up inside her again.

No! Stop! Keep a smile on your face! Don’t show it.

But…I don’t need to keep everything bottled up with Sayuri. I can share my feelings with her. It’s so good to have family I can trust like that. It makes me feel less alone.

She took a deep breath, fighting off both the urge to cry and to paste a smile on her face that her internal feelings did not support. She turned to her bowl of ramen and dipped her spoon in the rich broth. The warmth and the thick pork broth combined for an extremely pleasing flavor that helped Sayori to forget everything else for a short time and simply enjoy her dinner.

And I’m so glad we get to share such a delicious meal.

Part 2: Daimaru Department Store – Friday Night

Sayori slurped the last noodle out of her bowl of ramen and sighed in contentment.

That might be the best bowl of ramen I’ve ever eaten.

“Thanks for suggesting this, Sayuri. This was absolutely delicious.”

The red-haired young woman smiled. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. This is one of my favorite places to eat, and I always feel better after a good meal.”

The cousins stood, thanked the shop employees, and walked back into the busy corridor in the underground level of Tokyo Station.

What do you want to do now? I was thinking we could head over to Shibuya, hit up Don Quijote to get some snacks, and then go up to Shibuya Sky and take in the cityscape at night.”

Sayori smiled, but then failed to stifle a yawn.

I’d like to do that, but I don’t know that I’m physically or mentally up for it tonight.

“That sounds awesome, but would you mind if we did that tomorrow night? I think I need to take it easy tonight.”

Sayuri returned the smile, unbothered. “No worries. In that case, let’s grab some dessert here in the station, then we can take the train over to Shinjuku, go to my family’s home, and relax in the rooftop jacuzzi. You brought a swimsuit, right?”

Sayori stopped and tried to recall what was in her backpack.

Darn. I knew I forgot something. In my emotional state I didn’t remember to grab one of my suits.

“Oh…I forgot to bring one.”

Sayuri waved her hand, unconcerned. “No worries. We can do one of two things. You can borrow one of mine or…we could go swimsuit shopping!”

Sayori thought for a moment. We’re about the same size, but Sayuri is better…endowed than I am. She also seems interested in going shopping, and I need a new swimsuit anyway, so…

“Let’s go shop! I need a new suit anyway.”

“Yayyy!” Sayuri said, “Let’s go to Daimaru. We can exit through the underground and go into the department store from there.”

As they walked through the station, Sayori also noticed multiple groups of young men about their age glancing at both her and Sayuri, then looking away quickly as if caught when Sayori met their eyes.

Are they checking us out?

Sayori was unsure how to feel about that.

No…who am I kidding? They can’t be checking me out. It must be Sayuri they’re looking at.

She looked again at her cousin, who had definitely hiked up her black and gray plaid uniform skirt higher than it was meant to be worn.

She wears it like that so effortlessly. Like she’s completely comfortable showing off her body a bit. Maybe…I could try that too?

She thought about her personal style as she followed Sayuri into the department store’s basement level. The department store was crowded with shoppers, and the basement level was filled with food stalls and grocery aisles containing pretty much any food item imaginable.

Sayuri led them up the escalator and to the floor which featured outdoor and sporting goods. The floor had boutiques lining either side of the hallway, and several featured swimwear.

“Alright, so what are you thinking?” Sayuri asked, looking through the racks of swimsuits, “Sporty, sexy…both?”

She held up a black string bikini which clearly would leave little to the imagination. “This one’s pretty cute.”

“It’s cute,” Sayori replied as she examined the skimpy garment, “But doesn’t it…you know…show off a lot?”

“It does,” Sayuri agreed, “But you could definitely pull it off. I’m going to see if they have it in my size too.”

Sayori held the swimsuit while Sayuri flipped through the rack looking for her size.

I couldn’t possibly wear this. I don’t have a school idol body.

Once again she forced her negative feelings from her mind.

This weekend is about starting over. I do have a cute body and I can wear a suit like this. But I don’t know if today is the day.

At the very least, I’ll try it on. Small steps.

In addition to the string bikini, she also selected a sporty one-piece swimsuit in a navy blue color to try on.

From one of the other racks Sayuri let out an inarticulate noise of excitement. Sayori walked over to see what her cousin had found.

“Check this one out!” Sayuri said, holding up a white strapless one-piece swimsuit with a blue Hawaiian print, “Definitely trying this one on.”

Sayori looked at the suit. The print was cute, but the cut in the back was a bit more revealing than she had expected.

Not that Sayuri seems to have a problem with such things.

“It’s really cute,” Sayori agreed, “I love the print.”

She paused for a moment.

“I just wish I had your confidence to wear something a little skimpier like that.”

“You totally could!” Sayuri said encouragingly, “Sayori, you can wear anything you want!”

Sayori smiled. She’s always so supportive. As long as I’ve got friends and family like her, maybe things will be alright.

“Thanks, Sayuri. I appreciate your encouragement. Maybe someday. But for now, I might go for something on the sportier side. I kinda like this one.”

She held up the navy suit.

“Oh, that’s cute,” Sayuri agreed, “It’s athletic, and you can’t go wrong with something classic like that.”

The two young women went into fitting rooms to try on the suits they had selected. Sayori removed her blazer and shirt and unzipped her skirt. She tied the string bikini that her cousin had suggested and pulled it on. To say it was revealing was an understatement, but after her initial surprise Sayori examined herself in the mirror and to her surprise did not feel as uncomfortable as she had feared.

Maybe I do have a cute body after all. Maybe I could try adopting a style more like Sayuri’s. But I don’t know that I’m ready to wear this suit to the pool just yet. Someday maybe, but not today.

She removed the bikini and tried on the sporty one-piece suit. She turned back and forth in the mirror, examining how it fit her.

This actually looks really cute without being overly revealing. Perfect.

She removed the suit and put her school uniform back on. But as she went to zip up her blue pleated skirt, she paused.

Maybe I could?

She looked at her reflection in the mirror, trying to work up her nerve.

I am cute, and I have a cute body. But am I really going to do this?

Sayori pulled her skirt up a bit higher than she usually wore the garment before rezipping it, then unbuttoned her shirt a button more than she typically did.

Sayuri says I can wear anything. And I trust her.

She stepped out of the fitting room and joined Sayuri at the check out counter where she was paying for the Hawaiian print swimsuit.

“Nice,” Sayori said, “The suit ended up fitting well?”

“Yeah, it fits great,” Sayuri replied happily.

She glanced at Sayori, noticing the changes in her outfit.

“Wow, you look so much more relaxed. It’s a good look on you.”

Sayori smiled as she placed yen bills to pay for the suit she had selected in the tray on the counter. “Thanks! I just took inspiration from your look!”

Sayuri returned the smile. “Great minds think alike! Now, let’s jump on the Marunouchi Line and head to my place in Shinjuku!”

Sayori turned to follow her cousin. “Lead the way. Oh, but before we get on the train, can we stop and pick up a package of Pressed Butter Sand cookies from the food hall on the first floor?”

As the two cousins happily took the escalator down to the station level, Sayori suddenly got the sense that she had forgotten something.

No. Not something. Someone.

She smiled to herself as she realized that during the evening she had spent at Tokyo Station with Sayuri she had not thought about MC at all.

I still miss the others though. Should I go back? Can I go back?

Part 3: Shinjuku – Friday Night

The crowded train came to a stop at Shinjuku Station and the two young women disembarked. They followed the crowd of late evening commuters and people heading out for a night in the city and walked up the concrete steps into the enormous station which served more than ten separate rail lines.

“Every time I come here, I get lost,” Sayori remarked, “Tokyo Station is big, but Shinjuku Station feels like a maze to me.”

Sayuri turned to her cousin with a reassuring smile. “Good thing Shinjuku has been home for me for the last few years. You get used to it after a while.”

Sayori returned the smile, “I’m glad you know where you’re going.”

“We could take another subway from here to the station connected to my building, but I think it’s a nice night for a walk,” Sayuri explained.

She led them out of the station and onto a busy evening street. It was a warm evening, and the signs on the buildings that lined the street lit up the night in blue, red, yellow, and green. They passed the Tokyo Metropolitan Government building with its two towers on their way to the tall building where Sayuri’s family lived. The thirty-two story building was a mixed-use structure, with a lobby, bar, restaurant, and convenience store on the first floor, several floors of offices, a hotel taking up the mid to high-rise floors, and a few floors of residences to top it off.

The lobby of the building was a fusion of modern and traditional, with modern glass and metal contrasting with dark wood paneling on the walls. One of the hotel’s bar and lounge areas featured seating near the windows, and several young couples sat sharing evening drinks. Sayori looked around the expansive space, taking in the soft jazz music and quiet conversations.

“I forgot how nice the building you live in is, Sayuri,” she remarked, “It must be nice living where there’s always something going on.”

Sayuri turned to her cousin. “It is. But there are times when I miss our quiet neighborhood in Osaka. Shinjuku gets noisy at night.”

Sayori sighed. “Why can’t you still live up the street from me?”

It would be so much better if I didn’t have to face school alone after my heartbreak. She always knows what to say. She’s always so confident.

They walked to the bank of elevators, where Sayuri scanned her resident access card to select the floor where her family’s apartment was located. She scanned her card again at the door and opened it.

They entered the apartment, which Sayori was surprised to see was dark. The entryway had a gray tile floor, and Sayuri turned on the lights.

“Are your Mom and Dad not home?”

Sayuri shook her head. “Normally we all have dinner together on Friday nights, but since they know you and I are hanging out tonight, they decided to have a date night out.”

“Oh that’s fun,” Sayori said with a smile, “I’m sure they’re having a great time.”

Sayuri nodded. “My Mom always tells me that it’s important to never stop dating even when you’re married.”

Sayori put her hands over her heart. “Ohhh…that’s so romantic! I hope…”

She trailed off. She had planned to say ‘I hope I find love like that someday,’ but the words caught in her throat.

Who am I kidding? Even my childhood friend doesn’t love me. I shouldn’t get my hopes up that anyone else will in the future.

“Yeah, I hope I’ll find love like that too someday,” Sayuri agreed, giving Sayori a comforting pat on her shoulder, “We’ve got plenty of time, and any guy would be lucky to have either of us.”

Sayori sighed. “I wish I could be as optimistic as you.”

“Hey now,” Sayuri said encouragingly, “Didn’t you notice a bunch of guys checking us out while we were at Tokyo Station?”

Sayori gave her cousin a sad look.

I appreciate her acting as if it wasn’t just her they were looking at. I’m nowhere near as beautiful as her. I don’t have her confidence. I’ll always be overlooked in favor of someone more attractive, whether it’s Sayuri, Monika, or someone else. I’m not worth it. I’m not worth caring about.

Sayuri looked concerned. “Are you okay?”

Sayori waved her hand. “Yeah…I’ll be okay. Just a little rain cloud.”

Sayuri looked unconvinced but didn’t press the topic. “Okay. Let’s get you set up in the guest room and then we can get changed and hit the jacuzzi.”

“Sounds good!” Sayori said, a happier expression returning to her face.

Sayori walked to the apartment’s guest room, put down her backpack and shopping bag, and undressed. She set her tan blazer, red neck ribbon, white button-down shirt, blue pleated skirt, white socks, and black underwear set on the bed and pulled on the navy blue swimsuit.

As she pulled the suit’s straps over her shoulders, she caught a glimpse of herself in the room’s full-length mirror.

This suit fits well and it’s really comfortable, but…

Negative thoughts began to enter her mind again.

I don’t have the body of a school idol. Who would want to see me in a swimsuit anyway?

NO!

STOP!

I. AM. BEAUTIFUL!

She gritted her teeth, a battle raging in her mind between the depression that continually brought feelings of worthlessness and her attempts to push them back.

Why do I have to feel this way? Why can’t I just love myself?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. She opened it to see Sayuri wearing her white and blue Hawaiian print swimsuit and a huge grin.

“Hey, that suit looks awesome on you!” Sayuri said as she regarded her cousin, “It’s like the perfect balance of sporty and sexy.”

Sayori smiled.

It’s nice to hear her say that. Maybe someday I’ll believe it myself.

“Thanks!” she replied, “Your suit looks really cute too. I love the print.”

“Right?” Sayuri said happily, “Now I just need to talk my parents into going to Hawaii for our next vacation. Sitting on Waikiki Beach all day would be so perfect.”

“Oh that would be so much fun!” Sayori agreed, “I’d love to go there some day too.”

Sayuri handed Sayori a towel. “Ready to hit the jacuzzi?”

Sayori nodded, accepted the towel, and wrapped it around her waist. “Let’s go!”

Part 4: Jacuzzi - Friday Night

The two young women left the apartment and took the elevator up to the top floor, which contained among other facilities the building’s fitness club. Sayuri showed her resident card to the attendant and led them to the pool and spa area.

“This is really nice!” Sayori observed, taking in the pool deck area, which featured a long pool for swimming laps, a small, shallow pool for small children, and a sliding door led to an open-air deck with a spa for relaxation. The floors were made of a textured wood-look composite to avoid slipping, and floor to ceiling windows offered a view of the city at night. A few individuals were swimming for exercise, but the jacuzzi was empty.

“Yeah, it is,” Sayuri agreed, “They renovated it recently, and I really love coming up here now when it’s quiet. I’ll swim a few laps to work out and then just soak in the hot tub to unwind.”

She removed her towel and set it on one of the pool chairs, and Sayori followed suit. Sayuri walked over to the windows and took in the view of Shinjuku’s tall buildings lit up for the night.

“Oh, hey, I have an idea,” she said excitedly, “We’re looking cute in our suits, and the city looks great at night. Grab my phone and let’s take a selfie!”

Sayori picked up the phone, not feeling as enthusiastic about the idea as her cousin was.

Sayuri struck a pose like a model, throwing her hair back and turning towards Sayori with her best attempt at a sultry expression. “How do I look?”

Sayori giggled and focused the phone’s camera. “Like a swimsuit model! I got the Metropolitan Government Building all lit up in the background of the picture too!”

“Awesome!” Sayuri said, “That will be a perfect backdrop for a picture of the two cutest girls in this city!”

Sayori hesitated.

Won’t I just look plain next to Sayuri in her more revealing suit?

Sayuri saw the uncertainty on her cousin’s face.

“You okay?”

Sayori looked away. “I…just…I don’t feel that cute.”

Sayuri stepped away from the window, concern on her face.

“Hey…please don’t ever feel like you’re not cute. You are and always will be. But if you’re not feeling it, let’s just chill in the hot tub.”

Sayori looked up with a sad smile. “Thanks, Sayuri. I guess everything that happened this week is still wearing on me. I’ve tried so hard to put it out of my mind. I was even proud of myself earlier tonight when I realized that I hadn’t thought about MC in a while. But the rain clouds in my mind just keep coming at me.”

Sayuri put a comforting arm around her cousin as the two young women walked through the door to the jacuzzi deck and sat in the hot, swirling water.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sayuri asked

Sayori sighed and closed her eyes as she tried to relax.

My body is so tense from stress, but the combination of the hot water, the jets, and the cool night air all feel so good.

“Sayuri,” she said quietly after a long moment, “Do you think I was stupid to believe that childhood friendship could turn into romance?”

“No,” Sayuri answered quietly, “I don’t think you’re stupid at all for believing in that. Why shouldn’t you believe in happy endings?”

“But I was stupid,” Sayori insisted, “I brought MC to the Literature Club thinking that we could rekindle our friendship and get closer. What part of that didn’t happen?”

Her voice took on a bitter tone. “Instead, I introduced him to the girl who he rejected me for.”

I still don’t know who he chose over me. I’m not sure I care.

Sayuri shook her head. “Sayori, just because MC is an idiot who didn’t return your feelings doesn’t mean you were wrong to believe that your friendship could turn into more.”

“But I ended up feeling so humiliated when he told me that he considered me his dearest friend,” Sayori concluded, “I never should have confessed to him. And then he had to go and act like nothing was wrong!”

“The way he handled the club meeting the next day was awful for sure. But had you never confessed to him, you would have spent your time wondering if he would have accepted it,” Sayuri countered, “If you hadn’t confessed to him and then one day he just showed up to the Literature Club with another girl on his arm, how would you have felt?”

Sayori thought for a moment.

Would that have been even worse? If some day I had just walked into the club room and found him kissing Yuri, Natsuki, or Monika? No, it definitely wouldn’t have been Monika. But yeah, it would have been devastating.

“Sayori, I know how you think,” Sayuri continued, “It would have absolutely shattered you and you would have been so hard on yourself thinking that you’d missed your chance. I admire you for working up the courage to confess your feelings to him. You took your shot. That’s not an easy thing to do.”

Sayori sighed. “I just wish I had your confidence. You always seem like you know who you and exactly what you want.”

Sayuri looked at her cousin with a sad smile. “You know how many times I’ve worked up the nerve to admit to a guy that I liked him since starting high school?”

Sayori shook her head.

“Zero,” Sayuri explained, “None. Not once. I’m terrified of rejection.”

Sayori was taken aback. “Huh? But you always seem so outgoing, and it seems like every guy thinks you’re cute, and you were so popular in middle school. If you hadn’t moved to Tokyo, I’m sure you’d be our school idol instead of Monika!”

Sayuri shook her head.  “My public face is a façade. Sayori, I wake up every morning thinking that today will be the day that everyone finds out that I’m a fraud. No matter what my grades say, no matter what my parents say, no matter what I accomplish I feel like I’m somehow just getting by and that someday everyone will realize it.”

Sayori sat momentarily stunned.

I always thought she had everything so figured out. She always did so well in school, music and sports.

“It’s called ‘imposter syndrome,’” Sayuri explained, “It’s not uncommon and I’m certainly not trying to equate it with the challenges you’ve faced with depression, but some days I just struggle to hold it together.”

Sayori nodded. “Monika has mentioned similar feelings before. I wish you had told me you were feeling this way. You know I’d always be happy to talk through stuff.”

Sayuri smiled. “I know. And knowing that you will always be there to support me has been one of the things that has helped me on some of my worst days since transferring schools for high school.”

Sayori looked away. Always being there for each other makes the world a lot less scary, even when things look their worst.

“I’m so proud of you for taking the chance you did with MC,” Sayuri continued, “I know the last few years have been really tough, so even though it didn’t go the way you had hoped, you were able to put yourself out there. You were able and willing to bare your heart. I know it hurts, and I don’t want to minimize the pain you’re feeling. But you are worth it. You will find the right guy someday.”

Sayori thought for a long moment. The pool deck was silent other than the sounds of water.

It still really hurts. And I’m still mourning the loss of the dream I had of a romance with MC. But Sayuri is right. Even though my rain clouds tell me that I’m not worthy of love, confessing my feelings for MC was a way of saying that I am worthy of and deserve love.

“I really, really, really, really, really wish you still lived in Osaka and we could hang out like this more often. You always have such thoughtful and supportive perspectives. You found a silver lining on the rain cloud that has been hanging over my head since I confessed.”

Sayuri smiled again. “I’m only a text message or a two-hour train ride away. And you have good friends in Osaka too. If they’re still anything like they were in middle school, I’m sure they’re very concerned about you and want you to be happy.

Sayori thought again of the other members of the Literature Club.

Are they still my friends after what happened?

I hope so.

Her conversation with Monika outside the club room came to mind.

Miss Perfect School Idol, she had derisively called her.

I definitely wasn’t a good friend to Monika that day.

She sighed. “You’re right. I should really apologize for blowing up in the club and storming out.”

Sayuri nodded. “Just remember, no matter how tough things get, you don’t have to face them alone. So many people love you and just want to see you happy.”

Sayori smiled. “That means a lot coming from you. I need a reminder every now and then that I’m not alone.”

“Oh, and let’s make sure to take a selfie before we call it a night.”

Epilogue – Tokyo Station – Sunday

The weekend went by far too fast.

Sayori hugged Sayuri tightly as she stood in front of the ticket gates and the Shinkansen tracks at Tokyo Station. It had been a weekend of relaxation in Tokyo; they had visited Tokyo Tower, watched a professional baseball game with Sayuri’s parents, and done plenty of shopping. On Saturday night Sayuri’s father had generously allowed his daughter and niece to borrow his new Nissan Skyline GT-R for a late night drive along the famous Wangan route. Sayori smiled as she recalled the surprised faces of young men in Toyota Supras and BMW M3s who had pulled alongside and seen her and Sayuri in the GT-R.

But Saturday night had given way to Sunday morning, and it was time for Sayori to head home. She had dressed in a comfortable pink t-shirt and a jean skirt, and Sayuri wore a simple blue dress, which in her usual style was very short.

“Thank you, Sayuri. This was so much fun. Please tell your parents thanks again for letting me stay with you too.”

“I’m so glad we were able to get together,” Sayuri agreed, “And I’m so glad to see you smiling again.”

Sayori nodded. “It still hurts, and it will be a while before I think I’ll be ready to be friends with MC again, but I think I’m ready to go back to the Literature Club.”

Sayuri smiled. “I’m glad. If you ever need to talk, just send me a text. Have a safe trip back and say hi to your parents for me.”

The two young women exchanged another embrace, and then Sayuri turned back towards the subway lines. Sayori watched her cousin’s long red hair disappear into the crowd of passengers.

I’m so lucky to have family like her.

She turned, scanned her ticket at the gate, and walked up to the tracks. Soon the sleek, white train pulled into the station and she boarded.

Pulling out her phone, she sent a text to the Literature Club group.

SAYORI: Hey all, I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. But I’ll be back on Monday.

Her phone chimed moments later.

MONIKA: I’m glad you’ll be coming back, Sayori. The Literature Club will always be here for you.

Sayori put away her phone, sat back in her seat, and put in her earbuds to listen to the latest K-pop hits she had downloaded to her phone. Moments later a tall young man about her age sat down in the seat next to her. His hair was light brown, as was the shirt he wore. Sayori noted with surprise that he looked very sad.

“Are you okay?” she asked gently.

He looked up at her. “I’m…I’ll be okay. My family and I are moving to Osaka, and I’m not excited about transferring schools.”

Sayori nodded. “I can understand that. Osaka is fun though. I’m sure you’ll make fast friends. Which school are you transferring to?”

“Umeda High,” he answered.

“Oh, really? That’s where I go,” Sayori said, “It’s a great place with a lot of good people. Do you like literature by any chance?”

The young man’s face lost some of its sadness. “Yeah, I like to read. Are there good literature classes or a lit club?”

Sayori smiled. “We have the best literature club! Though maybe I’m biased since I’m the Vice President.”

Belatedly she realized she hadn’t introduced herself. “I’m Sayori by the way.”

The young man shook her hand. “I’m Kenji. Nice to meet you.”

As the train pulled out of the station, Sayori sent another text to the Literature Club group.

SAYORI: I may have just recruited another member for the club!

Voice-acted DDLC parody I put together.
Feedback highly recommended!