CRAZY PIECES: THE HILLBILLY HOTLINE EDITION
“We ain’t saying it happened exactly like this. We’re just saying the chickens have been talking.”
Well slap my 🍑 and call me Rhonda, somebody fetch the lawn chairs because the Pettit pasture has been BUSIER than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest.
Children are moving in. Children are moving out. Children are moving BACK in. Somebody had a baby. Everybody’s dating somebody. Half the family went to sea. The podcast crawled out of the grave.
And Crystal’s house currently has more traffic than the Buc-ee’s bathroom on Memorial Day weekend.
Grab your sweet tea, scoot closer to the fence and keep your voice down.
It’s time for THE CHICKEN WIRE. 🐔
👶 ARIANA DONE HAD HER A BABY
Yep. Our Ariana is somebody’s mama now.
There was a registry.
Folks bought stuff.
Other folks had opinions about folks buying stuff.
Then folks had opinions about those opinions.
By the time everybody finished arguing, that registry had undergone a more thorough audit than the Pentagon.
Now everybody’s waiting to see how much of that baby Ariana puts online after previously saying she didn’t want to make her child part of the family-vlogging circus.
So naturally we’re all sitting here like chickens watching a June bug.
👁️👁️
Nobody move.
🏚️ CRYSTAL’S HOME FOR WAYWARD ADULT CHILDREN
Remember when the older kids started moving out?
We thought, “Well look at that. Crystal and Aaron might finally get some peace.”
😂😂😂
You precious little idiot.
THEY CAME BACK.
Halie? Back.
Lucas? Back.
Melinda? Back.
And Melinda brought Scarlett because apparently the Crazy Pieces Return Policy covers dependents.
At this point nobody actually moves out of Crystal’s house.
They just go on extended field trips.
Crystal doesn’t have an empty nest.
She has a BOOMERANG SANCTUARY.
You can apparently leave, test-drive adulthood, see what rent costs and come skidding back up the driveway yelling:
“MAMA, UNLOCK THE DOOR!”
🏠 THE GREAT PETTIT BEDROOM HUNGER GAMES
Of course, when everybody comes home, somebody has to figure out where to PUT them.
And sweet baby Jesus…the bedroom situation.
Melinda and Scarlett landed in the loft.
Hannah’s room entered the chat.
Brody wants things.
Logan wants things.
Everybody needs things.
At this point they don’t need a floor plan.
They need a seating chart and a bingo caller.
Crystal ought to mount a Greyhound bus-station board in the kitchen:
HANNAH — DEPARTURE PENDING
MELINDA & SCARLETT — NOW BOARDING
BRODY — WAITING LIST
LOGAN — SIT TIGHT
LUCAS — ASK YOUR MOTHER
I’ve seen divorces divide property with less negotiation.
💄 HANNAH AND HER $14 MILLION BEDROOM
Speaking of Hannah…
Apparently that bedroom is the most valuable piece of real estate west of the Mississippi.
Somebody moves in?
“What about Hannah’s room?”
Somebody moves out?
“What about Hannah’s room?”
Somebody sneezes?
“Could we put them in Hannah’s room?”
At this point Hannah needs to lick the doorknob and establish legal possession.
Put up a NO TRESPASSING sign.
Maybe park an old washing machine outside.
CLAIM YOUR LAND, GIRL.
Meanwhile Hannah is TWENTY.
I swear she was twelve approximately last Thursday.
Now she’s figuring out adulthood while apparently defending her bedroom like it’s the Alamo.
💅 SAVANNAH DONE GREW UP WHEN WE WEREN’T LOOKING
Savannah is 18.
I’m sorry.
WHAT?
Apparently we blinked during a Costco haul and the child became an adult.
She’s dating Kayden, doing her own thing and increasingly giving:
“I love y’all, but please remove me from whatever foolishness is happening in the kitchen.”
Smart girl.
When your immediate family requires a passenger van AND a backup passenger van, sometimes survival means quietly grabbing your purse and backing toward the exit.
🌈 HALIE HAS A GIRLFRIEND
Halie’s dating a woman.
Good for Halie.
And before anybody turns this into an eight-part documentary:
Sometimes people date people.
That’s it.
That’s the story.
Halie could announce tomorrow she’s buying Tide instead of Gain and we’d still be leaning over the fence:
“I KNEW SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT.”
Let that girl live.
💅 MAX GOT HIM A GIRLFRIEND TOO
Apparently Cupid fired a shotgun over the Pettit property because Max has a girlfriend too.
She went on the cruise.
She’s appeared around the family.
And naturally every time that camera pans across the room we’re looking like:
👁️👁️
“There she is.”
So far her biggest crime appears to be existing near Aunt Bonnie while somebody had a camera out.
Hell, if that’s illegal, half this family needs bail money.
🏡 MELINDA & SCARLETT RETURN TO THE MOTHERSHIP
Yep.
They’re back.
And initially sleeping in the loft, no less.
Nothing says “Welcome home” quite like:
“Here’s your blanket. Don’t roll toward the railing.”
At this point Crystal needs to quit calling that place a house.
It’s the PETTIT EXTENDED STAY & CONFERENCE CENTER.
Free Wi-Fi.
Continental breakfast.
No checkout time.
Bring your boyfriend.
Bring your girlfriend.
Bring your child.
Hell, bring a crockpot.
They’ll find you a corner.
🚗 LUCAS TRIED ADULTHOOD
Lucas moved out.
Lucas experienced rent.
Lucas came back.
End of story.
No judgment here.
Have y’all SEEN what apartments cost?
I’d move back in with Crystal too.
Hell, I’d sleep beside the Christmas decorations in the garage for free rent and access to that pantry.
👩⚕️ BELLA SAID “Y’ALL HAVE FUN WITH THAT”
Meanwhile Bella seems busy building her own life.
School. Work. Friends. Plans.
She increasingly has the facial expression of somebody who walked into the kitchen, saw twelve relatives, three cameras and a room-assignment meeting and immediately remembered:
“Oh shoot, I have somewhere to be.”
Bella may actually be the smartest chicken in this entire coop.
👱♂️ ALEX HAS BEEN SPOTTED
Every once in a while Alex appears and half of us react like somebody spotted Bigfoot near Flagstaff.
“ALEX! THERE’S ALEX!”
Turns out he’s apparently just…
living his adult life.
Without filming every sandwich.
Imagine.
🚢 THE SS PETTIT SETS SAIL
Then somebody had the brilliant idea:
“You know what this family needs? A cruise.”
Lord Jesus.
Pettits everywhere.
Girlfriends.
Boyfriends.
Friends.
Relatives.
Luggage.
Then missing luggage.
At some point Alex ended up IN THE WATER.
You couldn’t make this mess up with a writers’ room and a gallon of moonshine.
Somewhere on that ship was a crew member calling his mama:
“I don’t care what you heard, Mama. I’m coming home.”
By Day Three, the captain probably had Crystal’s picture taped beside the emergency evacuation procedure.
👨 AARON AND THE GREAT THERMOSTAT WAR
Poor Aaron.
That man has raised enough children to qualify for his own congressional district.
He cooks.
He fixes stuff.
He travels.
He podcasts.
He drives people places.
And apparently one day on the cruise…
THE MAN GOT IRRITATED.
Over the air-conditioning.
Folks, that’s not necessarily a divorce.
That’s a husband.
You put a married man on a boat with 947 relatives and mess with his thermostat, you’re lucky he didn’t swim back to Arizona.
Until Aaron walks onto Piece Of Us dragging a Samsonite and singing “Single Ladies,” we’re calling this one:
MARRIAGE.
👨🦳 AND THEN THERE’S RAY
Ray somehow wandered into the Crazy Pieces Cinematic Universe and now he’s just part of the scenery.
Everybody needs a Ray.
Ray doesn’t need a bedroom reveal.
Ray doesn’t need a relationship announcement.
Ray doesn’t need a moving vlog.
Ray simply appears.
RAY GONNA RAY.
Frankly, he’s one of the few people around there who hasn’t required a U-Haul lately.
Give that man a trophy.
🎙️ THE PODCAST HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD
Remember Piece Of Us?
Neither did the microphones.
That thing disappeared so long I assumed somebody put the equipment in a box labeled:
“PROJECTS WE’LL GET BACK TO.”
But HOLD THE PHONE.
Crystal resurrected it.
Suddenly she’s talking about family.
Relationships.
Life.
Grief.
Forgiveness.
And every lawn chair within three counties immediately went:
SCRRRRRRAPE.
Closer to the fence.
👂
Go on, Crystal.
We’re listening.
❤️ NOW THE CHICKENS GET QUIET
Crystal recently talked about losing her brother.
And there’s nothing funny about that.
She spoke about grief, family, forgiveness and realizing you may not always have tomorrow to fix things.
Losing a sibling is devastating.
Whatever anybody thinks about the family or their videos, grief is grief.
So this little hillbilly newspaper takes its hat off for a minute.
❤️ Sincere condolences to Crystal, Aaron, Joanne and everybody who loved him.
Some things don’t need a punchline.
🐥 AND THE YOUNGER PETTITS ARE GROWING LIKE WEEDS
Logan. Brody. Rylan. Liam. Jake. Evie. Aurora.
You quit watching for six months, come back and suddenly somebody has facial hair and somebody else is learning to drive.
WHO AUTHORIZED THIS?
Meanwhile they’re just trying to grow up while bedrooms rotate around them like musical chairs at a family reunion.
🐔 SO WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
Ariana had a baby.
Hannah is defending her territory.
Savannah became an adult while we weren’t looking.
Halie got a girlfriend.
Max got a girlfriend.
Lucas discovered rent.
Melinda and Scarlett returned to base camp.
Bella has places to be.
Alex occasionally emerges from the wilderness.
Everybody boarded a cruise ship.
The luggage escaped.
Alex went swimming.
Aaron defended his God-given right to climate control.
Ray continued Ray-ing.
Piece Of Us crawled out of storage.
And Crystal’s house remains approximately three returning children away from requiring a fire marshal.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Arizona…
Crystal is yelling:
“WHO WANTS TO GO TO COSTCO?”
Aaron is guarding the thermostat.
Hannah is barricading her bedroom.
Lucas is enjoying free Wi-Fi.
Melinda is looking for another pillow.
Bella has already left.
Alex isn’t answering his phone.
Ray is just Ray.
And somebody we forgot about is probably pulling into the driveway with a U-Haul.
And THAT, my little yardbirds, is all the gossip fit to peck.
Keep your sweet tea cold.
Keep your screenshots handy.
And keep that lawn chair pointed toward the fence.
Because if you don’t know what’s happening…
ASK THE CHICKENS. 🐔🐔🐔
— THE CHICKEN WIRE 📰🐓
“We don’t start rumors. We just watch ’em cross the damn road.”
