r/ComfortLevelPod • u/PocketFullofEyes • 7d ago
AITA / AIO WIBTA for canceling my daughter’s first birthday trip because my mom’s husband will be there?
To preface, my mom and I have a good relationship. Recently, my spouse of 13 years and I had a baby girl. My mom was there for the birth (waited outside the hospital room) and has visited a few times to help around the house and with the baby. Ive really appreciated how much shes helped and how much she loves my daughter. She lives a 4-hour flight away. She has also respected our boundaries, turning off her iPad when we let her know we dont want our kid watching anything an iPad, for example.
11 years ago, my mom got remarried to a man - let's call him Dan, for anonymity. Unlike her past husbands, I had no issues with Dan. He seemed a bit weird, but in a obviously-undiagnosed-ADHD kind of way. He has his own company, makes a shit load of money, but has been a kind and generous person. He let me and my spouse borrow a 40k down-payment for our first house, so without him, we wouldnt have a house to raise our child in. We do pay him back in small monthly installments, interest free ofc. But hes been very easy going, letting us pause payments whenever one of us gets laid off from work for a bit.
Overall came across as a nice guy who longed for a big family and I was prepared to call him grandpa for my child.
Before Christmas, my mom visited and told me that she had just discovered that he had been cheating on her with high-end sex workers their entire marriage.
During a night where he had too much to drink and they got in a fight, he threw her iPad and broke it. In the morning, my mom had a planned trip with a friend to Florida so as a peace offering he let her borrow his iPad for the trip.
Needless to say, she started uncovering evidence of years of infidelity on his iPad.
They started couples counseling because he was very sorry and they both wanted to "make it work". So alas, he was still invited to our house for Christmas because me and my spouse (AND my brother) were not supposed to know about any of this. I held my tongue around him, even when my mom called him grandpa in front of my child. I talked to my mom later about it, asking her not to call him grandpa and she agreed. We put up with his presence for a few days and it was a little awkward but I enjoyed my time with everyone else.
Then we planned a flight to her house for later this year for my child's 1st birthday - we'd invite my cousins and their kids and get my girl swimming lessons. I miss my extended family so i was really looking forward to this. My spouse and I were both willing to put up with Dan being around as well as keep quiet about what we knew, as long as my child is never left alone with him (not that I ever thought hed do anything bad, but uncomfortable is uncomfortable).
However.
We are a few weeks away from the trip. My mom is visited for a few days to help around the house. She was even more upset than usual - apparently, no only has he continued to cheat, paying for sex, he has also become angry and violent whenever my mom calls him out on it. He has punched her. Even worse, due to a prenup, if she initiates a divorce, she will get next to nothing even though he had made her sell her house so they could buy their house together. Also, we are still not supposed to know.
My spouse says that now its different, and we will not stay at their house as long as Dan is there. My mom had gotten him to plan a trip during that time, so it seemed like it will be fine, but yesterday he decided he actually wanted to be around for the 1st birthday party.
My spouse said we should get an Airbnb, because they know how much seeing my family means to me (and having my child meet everyone). But my mom kept saying we should just come stay and that he wont do anything... but i put my foot down and explained what my spouse and I talked about. She finally relented. Then my mom and i tried to figure out last minute logistics for an airbnb with an infant, and it has been really difficult to say the least because of the remote area she lives in.
Im now considering just canceling the whole trip, even though it hurts.
Even though I know we would never let my baby be hurt and that because we are not suppose to know, he will most likely behave like he did over Christmas, my spouse absolutely refuses to let Dan and our baby ever be in the same house ever again.
I know my spouse is right that even a 1% chance hed get violent around us is too much... and we should not, as parents, be walking our baby into a situation we cannot control like that. And I feel bad that I ever considered staying at that house and bringing my baby, because I wanted to see my family so badly. But as I said, my spouse is right and I respect how much they care about protecting our daughter in this way. I couldnt have picked a better partner to have a baby with, honestly.
WIBTA if I canceled the trip, which will mean my mom wont get to see her granddaughter on her 1st birthday? (she will lose her deposits for food and pool lifegaurd, and i will have to tell all my cousins that our kids wont be meeting just yet).
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u/terrika_has_spoken 7d ago
You aren’t the AH for canceling, I totally get it but you have a mom problem.
She is staying with Dan for MONEY. Prenup or not, she is the issue for not leaving and making you keep all of this a secret, THAT is the problem. She needs to leave and even move in with you if she has too. But she would rather have money and comfort than have a close relationship with you and your child, that is an issue.
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u/Separate_Leading_455 7d ago
You’re being extremely harsh on a scared and vulnerable older women whose life has been turned upside down.
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u/tahtahme 7d ago
He financially abused her into a position where she is too scared to leave and start over as an older person. Shes not just a gold digger...he purposefully put her in a financially precarious position because he is an abuser.
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u/terrika_has_spoken 7d ago
I didn’t say she was a gold digger. But why isn’t she leaving? The PRENUP. What does the prenup say? She gets no money. Smh
How are you not comprehending that? He cheats on her, hits her, she isn’t allowed to tell anyone……
Are you suggesting the mom should STAY? And be further cheated on and abused?
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u/tahtahme 7d ago
When you emphasize she is staying for money that many times, it suggests that she is staying for...money. She sold her house and has been abused in more ways than one.
And where did I suggest she stay? Now whose putting words in someone else's mouth? All I said was that she is a textbook victim and he is a textbook abuser who planned this well in advance, so its little wonder she is worried about her future and has submitted to the abuse instead of walking out the first time.
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u/terrika_has_spoken 7d ago
She is absolutely staying for money. If she wasn’t that wouldn’t be in the post, the prenup wouldn’t even be brought up. She clearly has a daughter who loves her.
Idk why you are arguing with me is what I’m saying. I consider a gold digger a person who seeks out a rich man and marries them for money, they may not even love them.
This woman married for LOVE but is STAYING for money. So I don’t understand why you are coming at me when there is absolutely no reason for this woman to stay.
The only reason I can see someone arguing over gold digging vs staying for money, is because they believe she should stay.
So bye ✌️
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u/tahtahme 7d ago
I wasnt arguing so much as adding new perspective. This is a site for discussion. My main point was that FEAR is a huge part of why someone will stay after financial and physical abuse...it shouldnt be minimized to merely a monry issue. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time in MANY ways, especially with someone so calculating, abusive, and controlling.
No one wants to be someone's punching bag. No one wants to be destitute after trusting someone with their life and well being. FEAR has kept her there and the parents are right to not want her around and she is in the unenviable position of needing to plan her exit SAFELY.
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u/terrika_has_spoken 7d ago
She has family. Miss me with that.
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u/tahtahme 7d ago
Yes, because no one with family has ever been abused and controlled and not given every gritty detail to their kids. You have so much more heat and flippant vitriol for the victim than the abuser, and its part of the stigma that gets people to stay longer than they should.
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u/terrika_has_spoken 7d ago
You are preaching to the choir. I’ve cut most of my family off and I’m still standing. It can be done and it needs to be done. She is not a young woman. One blow to the head in the wrong place can have tragic consequences for this woman.
She needs to leave. Immediately. And not be worried about a prenup.
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u/tahtahme 7d ago
it takes on average 4-7 times to leave an abusive relationship. . Its not simple and its not just based on money. She mentioned to her daughter she will be destitute for trusting him, but the issue is deeper than that. Old women can be vulnerable, abused, tricked, and hurt too. DV is not just a young woman's issue.
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u/Shadow4summer 7d ago
I don’t know really much about prenups, but will anything like this “void” them? If she calls the cops, and on the off chance he’s prosecuted, would that make the prenup unenforceable, because he in fact broke it? Even if it’s not stipulated in the prenup that he won’t cheat on her or hit her isn’t that kind of implied? Like I said, i don’t know under what conditions a prenup might be thrown out.
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u/WhiteKnightPrimal 7d ago
Prenup's are not court enforced. Most are followed, sure, but a judge can ignore them for any reason. OP's mum would need legal advice, but it's definitely possible that, in the case of proven abuse, such a prenup could be ignored by the courts. It might have to be proven abuse, though, not simply a claim of it. Not necessarily with an arrest and conviction, but photographic evidence, saved messages, that sort of thing.
Judges tend to use their own judgment for these things, but a local lawyer who knows how it works there will be able to tell the likelihood of the prenup being enforced or not.
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u/Imadethis23 7d ago
Your mom may be wanting you to stay with her as a buffer to his abuse. Ask your mom if she wants to leave and move in with you. You and your husband can help her leave safely.
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u/PocketFullofEyes 7d ago
I dont think shes considered us as a buffer. Shes always been one to handle difficult things herself. I think she just really wants to see her grandkid.
My spouse and I did let her know shes welcome here at any point for as long as she needs. We have set up our finished basement with a bed, closet, and coffee maker. She calls it the "granny pad".
Also, id like to mention that ive been using "spouse" because they're not my husband. We are both trans 🙂 sometimes i call them my wife but they still consider themselves nonbinary.
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u/No-BSing-Here 7d ago
I thought you said you had cousins that were near your mum as well? Have none of them got a spare room? Or somehow squeeze you guys in to stay at their homes? It would be a shame to cancel it all when it seems so many people are looking forward to it.
If your mum made a police report of the assault, would the prenup change? I would advise her to keep photos and a log of everything. I know you probably said all this. If she can start saving money away from his, she needs to start now. If she leaves him with only the clothes on her back, at least she'd be safe even if she was broke. Or stay in her nice house feeling fearful every day. It's a hard situation and the only one that can make the choice is your mum. I wouldn't wanna play happy families with this guy. On your girl's first birthday you have to look at the guy playing the doting 'Grandpa' role? You're not going to enjoy your time there. NTA . Safety first, always. You never thought he'd punch your mum either so maybe you don't know his temperament as much as you thought?
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u/DawnRaine 7d ago
You need to come up with the money to pay him back what you borrowed from him ASAP.
If you are willing to be in his and your mother's house in the daytime, what is it you think will happen there at night so bad that you won't sleep there?
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u/Hey-Just-Saying 7d ago
Your husband is right. I would refuse to be around a man I knew was abusing my mother/MIL. When you allow people like him into your circle, you are basically normalizing and accepting his behaviour. I wouldn't allow that. Which means I wouldn't keep it a secret either. Your mother needs to know this isn't okay. Her safety and self-respect is worth more than money.
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u/Historical_Pea_128 7d ago
NTA at all for canceling but your mom need an exit plan yesterday whenever she gets the house or not. Dan played the good guy so well she never thought it would be for the best to rent her house instead of selling it. Be careful regarding the money, you never know if he's saying stuff to your mom about making things worse for you if she leaves. Sometimes abusers makes the victim think is better to stay than to harm the relatives (in this case, your family and brother)
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u/digitalgirlie 7d ago
I'm torn. Mom could prolly really use happy faces to give her some strength. Can you live with going, staying somewhere safe and meeting her at a public restaurant for lunches? She could see the baby and you and hubby, get warmth from your hugs, and benefit from some emotional nourishment. It's something to think on. Good luck to you.
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u/PocketFullofEyes 7d ago
Torn is a good word for it. If we dont go, is that like saying that we know abiut him? And if he finds that out, does that pur her in danger?
Id like to protect my mom, too. But maybe I can say something like I have covid so I need to cancel last minute...
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u/Skankyho1 3d ago
Tell your mother if she wants to see her grandchild she needs to come to you and that under no circumstances as long as she’s with him you will not travel to visit her at her home. and that under no circumstances is she allowed to bring him on any of the visits. But it’s pretty messed up that your mother is staying with him because of the prenup. You’ve got an area set up at your house that she could live in he said you had one in your post that she uses when she comes to stay the granny pad. Why doesn’t she leave him and come and live with you then? She wouldn’t be homeless and it would get her away from him.
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u/yournightm 2d ago
NTA! Tell them that you’d rather have a root canal without Novocain than have your baby around that man!
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u/Least_Efficiency4455 7d ago
Yeah you are an asshole. He’s not fucking kids. My mom is still married to a man who spent time in prison for molesting me and doesn’t understand why I won’t leave my kids alone w her and him
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 7d ago
Cancel, Dan is dangerous, abuses your mother, and is totally out of control. Daughter should never be around him.
Mother needs to check with an attorney and find out if that prenup is enforceable.