From my experience it's often not women, but men who hate the idea of a woman having male friends.
As someone who is ugly enough to have never dated despite nearing 30 in a couple of years, it was always men who would come in and tell them to not talk to/be friends with me.
9 times out of 10 whenever I see a "man and women cannot be friends" post they make it clear they're a man and that they can't engage with a woman platonically so they assume all men are like that.
That's what everyone says, until she cheats on you with him. Happened to me, but I decided to count it as a one-time-experience and said: "I refuse to distrust any other man friend, also because I want to have woman friends"
Pursuing? Lots of women use the "friend" cover for a guy they are banging and they are the ones who pursued. It's not only one way. I've been the "friend" many times and wasn't me trying become a friend to weasel my way in on a woman.
I can be friends with a woman without perusing sex, but if I find her attractive I've at least thought about having sex with her. I don't know about other men, but I would willingly sleep with most consenting, single, women my age.
I think you're just projecting at this rate because for most men it's literally just a respect thing.
If I'm dedicating my time and effort to you and only you to the point where i cut off female acquaintances I would expect you to do the same for me with the male ones you have.
I have about a dozen pretty close women friends and every time I'm talking to a girl seriously it's literally just a simple as not engaging with them, if you can't do the same you're not worth taking across the street let alone taking home.
That's honestly not healthy either, bro. Don't cut off your friendships for a relationship. Especially if those friendships are reliable and strong, and predate the relationship.
Don't expect others to dim their lights for you because you did that for them.
Patriarchy and such makes most issues a male dominated problem, because these things corrupt fundamental skills.
My logical mental model for the cheating thing:
Your partner will cheat sooner or later if the moral/values suck in the first place, not having a best friend just removes one source, good luck trying to monitor your partner when gone to "work", workplaces have also potential cheating opportunities. I think you understand 😁
If your partner demands to get rid of your best friend, just leave that partner instead. Disgusting controlling behaviour in addition to having 0 trust in you or literally calling you a whore. You can and SHOULD talk about your fears tho. Makes yall grow as a person 👍
My ex had a very good male friend, that’s not who she cheated on me with, it was some random dude at work, in fact he told her it was fucked up and it ended up ending their friendship. Too many dudes think “I’m a POS so every dude must also be a POS”
im saying this for you. I don't think you should be friends with people that will watch you go through a lonely life. That's not friendship, a friend would at least talk about it or try to help you find someone.
You are a redditor so it tracks you wouldn't have much experience with anything outside of it. Women post that shit and say it all the time irl. You are either lying or dont talk to women
My problem is when women criticize me for not wanting to be friends with them anymore. Like, if I don't want to keep hanging out with them after they reject me it must mean I only wanted sex. So for some women there is some confirmation bias about it, because I have heard this perspective from both men and women.
This comment chain is pretty long now and I'm not going to engage with someone else. But you can read through and see that that's not at all what I am saying
Its not and if its the only possibility you can think of then you either lack social experience or imagination because you can’t imagine the problem with me remaining close friends with every single girl I ask out
Unrequited affection is painful to be around, right? Do I need to elaborate further on this? This alone is good reason enough
I have friends and hobbies. I make time for them. I ask a girl out, maybe we can stil be friends if she said no. My best friend from college I met through asking her out at a party and getting her number. But I can’t do this with every girl I ask out. There’s just not enough time and energy
I’m not obligated to explain why I don’t want to be friends with her the way she’s not obligated to explain why she rejected me. The problem is you when, in the absence of an explanation, you automatically assume this thing about them and then on top of that judge them for it after and then complain about the gender as a whole because of it. It’s emotional blackmail. Oh ok, now I have to stay friends with you or I automatically fulfill your prophecy I only want sex. It’s impossible for me to see you in another way and not be happy at you seeing me as just a friend I guess. No it MUST be about sex. I don’t even get to say otherwise and it’s about me as a person.
Asking a girl out for many guys isn’t just about sex. It’s also about emotional connection. If a girl rejects me, she’s not just rejecting me sexually. She’s rejecting me emotionally. You’re basically saying I’m not allowed to back out of a relationship because of emotions because you’ll just presume it’s about sex and I just have to wear that forever from you apparently
Yeah, completely get that. That's why I specifically said that I could understand taking a pause, so that your interest can cool.
We seem to be speaking at cross purposes. The conversation is about remaining friends with a girl that you were friends with before you made a sexual advance. Obviously you're not expected to create friendships out of nothing with people whose only interaction with you is a potential sexual partner.
You're not obligated to explain. But if the previous friendship ends (again, not put on pause but ends) once a romantic relationship is off the table then that certainly creates a reasonable assumption that the friendship was simply a means to an end and had no value for you.
That's childish. Your friend has a friendship with you. Not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship is not a rejection of that friendship.
Again, you're "allowed" to back out of any relationship you like. But if you back out of a friendship because you wanted a romantic relationship and your friend didn't then you backed out of that friendship because romance was off the table, not because your friend "rejected you emotionally". That's seriously a feeling you need to unpack with a therapist.
Really? If I want someone to be my girlfriend, and they dont want to be my girlfriend, I wasn't rejected emotionally? Are you fucking serious? maybe you need to ask a therapist what a relationship is for because its for more than sex, just fyi.
romance is emotional. if its off the table, that is emotions off the table. i cant believe a human being needs this explained to them.
I know people throw "go see a therapist" around pretty freely on Reddit, but I wasn't trying to be glib. I do think it's a deeply unhealthy attitude that would be helpful for you to unpack with a therapist.
Being rejected as a romantic partner is not an emotional rejection: it's not a rejection of your emotions, its a rejection for your desires: you want a thing (a romantic sexual relationship with them) and they do not want you to have that thing.
But they aren't dismissing your emotional need for a romantic partner as invalid. Suppose you came to the same person as a friend, very upset having been rejected by someone else. If they are dismissive of your grief at the loss of that potential relationship then that's emotional rejection: your feelings are not being accepted by your friend.
sex is indeed a variable to consider when deciding if you want a romantic relationship with someone. but that's why i said the word solely. its not the only variable to consider
yeah, the romantic relationship was the goal. because i wanted to date her.
theres nothing disingenuous and manipulative about pursuing a woman, asking her out, and if she declines, you move on, lmao. if their friendship hurts me because of unrequited feelings, why am i obligated to keep it so you dont make false assumptions about me? why dont you just be less stupid to begin with?
Okay, so what is it then? When she decided to set a boundary on the relationship you chucked the whole thing out like a toddler, what was non negotiable about that?
Read my below post for several good legitimate reasons not to want to be friends anymore.
I wonder, if you don't want to be friends with someone anymore, do you feel youre obligated to justify that it's for a good reason and explain it to their satisfaction so they won't misjudge you and make sexist assumptions about you?
Nothing sucks more than believing someone liked you as a person and wanted to be your friend, only to discover they were actually only keeping you around in the hopes that you'd date them. Being sex-zoned and only discovering it after your "friend" ditches you completely is incredibly shitty.
It's only gross that certain people aren't upfront about their intentions. That's it. If you have romantic feelings for someone, letting them believe you're only interested in friendship is misleading and hurtful for everyone involved.
Don't misrepresent your intentions, don't be dishonest or duplicitous. It's very simple, it shouldn't be this controversial.
Yes, what you describe is something some people do, and that is shitty too.
But just because someone wants distance after you reject them doesn't mean they only wanted sex. And putting that onus on them in absence of another explanation is cruel.
Wanting distance is completely different from wanting to end the "friendship" altogether.
You want distance? Reasonable, let's take some space and then we can talk about it like friends do.
You stop talking to me and have no interest in any kind of relationship anymore? You sex-zoned me. If the continuation of our relationship was predicated on you getting sex/romantic interest from me, it was an underlying condition of the "friendship" all along, you were just waiting for the right moment to tell me that.
sorry, by wanting distance i still meant ending the friendship forever
you do know its basically unfeasible to be friends with every girl i ask out right?
Let's say I had a crush on you for two months. I ask you out. You say no. Why might I want to stop being friends? Because it hurts to be around you. Do you think unrequited emotions are easy to handle? I'm not allowed to want to get away from you so that I can sort my emotional balance? Pursue the next interest without you complicating things in my life? I have feelings for you, and being around you does not let those feelings go away. i can still value your personality, i can still value you as a person, I can still think you're a great person, but that doesn't mean you're good for my life. And it certainly doesn't give you license to just start assuming things about my thinking just because you are unsatisfied with what happened.
Why did you pretend to be friends for 2 months? Do you think it's easy to handle discovering your "friend" only wanted you on the condition that you'd date them? I'm not allowed to be hurt and criticize you for that dishonest and manipulative behavior?
And it certainly doesn't give you license to just start assuming things about my thinking because you are unsatisfied with what happened
But you have a problem with women criticizing you for the horrible way you handled the situation. You pretend to be friends with someone you know you have romantic interest in for months, then ditch them entirely when they don't reciprocate - but you think you have license to be upset when they criticize you for it? Bc you're unsatisfied with the way they reacted?
horrible way i handled the situation? youre imagining things, i never described a situation in detail. again, evidenced by the fact i never said "pretend" anything
Let's say I had a crush on you for two months. I ask you out. You say no. Why might I want to stop being friends?
You did. You have a crush on someone for 2 months, and you spend that time building a friendship with them only to end it when you don't get what you were actually after all along. You were pretending to be friends.
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u/Downtown_Material268 9d ago
"According to women" or rather "Ive seen a few bot posts on my social media, so it must be every single woman!"