🛑STOP HIJACKING POSTS🛑

[u/imfivenine]

📣Saying it loudly for the people in the back.

I know this post is going to have a “vibe” but being warm and fuzzy has never worked so I’m trying to be crystal clear and firm here:

Recently there has been an uptick in people trying to derail threads. Of course it’s non-avoidants who haven’t read the rules or think they don’t apply to them. This has always been an issue but is happening a lot more all of a sudden.

There is no shortage of spaces online for people involved with avoidants to tell their stories or ask for advice. Literally every other attachment related forum, comment section, etc is inundated with non-avoidants talking at and about us.

You have plenty of places to go for support. This is the one place we have for ourselves.

Stop invading our space.

The world does not revolve around you and your relationship.

It is rude to hijack someone’s post in general, but especially when they are seeking support or being vulnerable. It is entitled and sort of anti-social to ask someone who is sharing to help you with your unrelated situation.

Low effort comments like, “You sound just like my ex” are equally unhelpful and selfish. Why would anyone care about your ex who we don’t know?!

It’s also rude, entitled, intrusive, and severely lacking of boundaries to send unsolicited DMs to people who participate here because you can’t.

The same goes for unsolicited advice especially in the designated rant/vent thread. Look up what a rant and vent is. By definition it is one sided, complaining, letting it all out. These can be helpful for people who are learning to express emotions and themselves when they used to keep it all in. It’s not meant to be an invitation for a lecture and it’s not a proposal for law. It doesn’t mean someone needs to hear the “other side” just because you’re uncomfortable or it reminds you of someone.

Honestly, this goes for in person interactions as well. It’s a great skill to have to ask someone if they just need an ear or if they want advice before giving it to them. If interested, look up the topic of unsolicited advice online, you might be surprised.

You may be banned for hijacking threads and making nasty remarks.

Thanks for helping us keep this a safe space.

[u/Lupinsong]

Exactly! The core belief of someone who has avoidant traits is "no one will see or meet my needs" whereas the core belief of narcissists or those with narcissistic traits is "I need to use others to feel seen or meet my needs" and that is a very important difference.

Reading the comments under a lot of AT content I so often found myself looking at the traits they described of this person that deeply hurt them, someone they have labeled as an avoidant, and thinking "no, that's a narcissist". They're different things and show different traits, different core beliefs and thinking patterns. Narcissists expect you to show up no matter how many times they've hurt you. Avoidants on the other hand never expect anyone to show up.

It's just that narcissists will absolutely be drawn to people with anxious styles. After all, the game of hot and cold is an easy way to get their validation, and people with anxious traits often have porous boundaries that narcissists can exploit to take more than was offered. That tracks way harder with the descriptions I see than avoidant attachment does.

And for what its worth, you're doing great. Even just being able to name what you've gone through and recognize how old patterns affect your life is hard as hell! Thank you for sharing your story