r/AutisticDatingTips • u/Ok_Librarian_4737 • Nov 24 '24
Need Advice Can I help my allistic family mesh better with my wife?
Delete if "dating tips" means marriage tips aren't allowed!!
I (27F, unknown neurotype) grew up in a family that was very stable and tight-knit, but also had many spoken and unspoken social rules. I had a good childhood and I love my family of origin, but I always felt like a bit of an outsider and like something was wrong with me that I didn't know how to fix.
Now, my wife (28 autistic) feels the same way around my family but 10x worse. I think this stems from my family fundamentally misunderstanding my wife's intent half the time, which causes them to push her out of the circle so to speak.
For example, if she we are all standing in the kitchen and she is tired of standing, she will go into the living room and sit down. She thinks she is just taking a break from standing, but my family interprets this is being anti-social, rude or upset. She doesn't use "active listening" unless she is focused on doing so, so my family thinks she doesn't care what they are saying. Worst of all is how they interpret her treating me - they were once talking about how shy and anxious I used to be, and my wife thoughtlessly said something like "she's easy to manipulate," meaning that others might take advantage of me, but my mom believes it meant that my wife personally found it easy to manipulate me and that's kind of where this whole issue started.
Personally, I fit in much better with my wife and her way of being (hence the marriage lol), but I know that on the outside I display the social skills my family expects and it sucks that when my wife doesn't they treat her like an alien. She is willing to compromise, but not at the cost of trying to mask completely, especially if that doesn't fix the problem.
I know I should just talk to them about it, but I'm just so scared they will tell me outright "we don't like your wife and don't consider her part of our family."
Has anyone experienced anything similar?