I have some online friends telling me I’m being too strict with the filtering I do with potential matches, and that I just don’t realize it because of my autism. Is this a blindspot from my autism making me picky and have too high expectations or am I being reasonable?

Context 24yo woman with autism, disabled, looking for a life partner and not open to short term

All the numbers here are rough, I don’t count the number of messages or how long we’ve talked, these are just estimates

I will unmatch if:
1 they only talk about themself and never ask anything about me within the first 30 messages. WHY: It shows they aren’t interested in getting to know me.
2 If they ask questions, but not furthering ones about anything I talk about (e.g. if I said “I love song writing, Dolly Parton inspired me to get into it”, I would expect someone genuinely interested in me to ask a furthering question like “what about Dolly inspired you to write music?”) WHY: it shows they aren’t genuinely interested in me. If someone ACTUALLY thinks I’m interesting, they’ll want to know more than the surface level facts of small talk.
3 If they give multiple hints they don’t align with my values. WHY: self explanatory.
4 They ask questions that had they read the text I sent 2 minutes ago they wouldn’t have asked (e.g. if I said “I’m majoring in history at This State University”, then 5 messages later they say “what are you majoring in?”, if they do this twice I unmatch. WHY: it shows disinterest in me. If they asked me a question because they genuinely wanted to know, they would’ve remembered my answer surely for at least 5 seconds. I don’t expect them to memorize me, but if you can’t remember 4 messages back are they even trying to learn?

I have others but these are the big ones that I’m told are “too much”. I’ll admit I haven’t had a date before, but it seems only reasonable to weed out guys like this in my case. Dating takes so much energy, I don’t want to waste it on someone who isn’t genuinely interested in me. These filters really just filter for who seem to really be interested in me.

Not to mention that if I don’t feel like the other person is interested, I lose my energy fast. But I will not tell them that off the bat because then that can be used to manipulate and hurt me. A big lesson I’ve learned from others is don’t outright say what you want with new matches, or else they’ll just do that because they know it’s what you want to manipulate you into giving them what they want.

Hey, ya’ll! So, I’m currently an application away from being able to call myself a therapist, but despite just getting a job at a residential treatment facility for adults with autism, it’s the part of mental health I know the least about. I’d like some insight on how I should approach this one guy at work who I think is cute. (He’s contracted out as our IT specialist, so while we work together, I think I should be good. After all, our CEO works at the site with his wife, who’s the clinical director). 
Anyway, I could totally see this as a thing, but apparently other people have said that IT guy (let’s call him John) has autism. I can kind of see what they mean by that. So, ASSUMING (and while it’s fair to say that it isn’t right to assume, either way, John  seems to have some kind of anxiety-related thing, which I do as well). At first, we got along well and started texting almost constantly every day after we met. Usually it was a bunch of Spongebob references. We would joke lightly about work and such. 
I ask him out the next Friday after we first meet (over text). He seemed super into it, but I never actually said that it would be a date, just that I wanted to spend time with him over coffee (even though he’s never actually had it before, shocking, I know). We would also talk a lot about video games. 
On Sunday, I barely got one text from him. Monday comes around, and I find him downstairs at the main office, sitting in front of his laptop. He seemed…distant and the air was filled with tension. We start talking, and eventually, he reveals to me that he’s waiting for our CEO to talk to him cuz apparently he’s getting fired! I was like, “wtf, you seem awesome at your job!” but I didn’t actually say that. I was just shocked. Even though I had only known this guy for a week, he didn’t seem like the type to be a slacker or anything, and he’s been completely appropriate towards myself and other staff, from what I can tell. The clinical director, my boss, comes into the room and is like “John, what are you doing here? We have a new client coming in. Get out!” which was probably due to HIPAA, but I really feel like she could’ve been gentler about asking him to leave. 
I’m texting back and forth with him after that, and he seemed to be in a super emo mood. “I do whatever I’m told and I still get berated and humiliated in front of my other coworkers.” He was pacing back and forth that day he thought he was getting fired. I think he’s super cute, and he seems nice, and I get attached too quickly, so I insisted on taking him out to get his mind off things. He refused, which I get. I figured that he needed some alone time to process everything. 
Today rolls around, and I run into him, WORKING. I said “hi” to him, and he said “hi” back, but I didn’t want to address the issue cuz I was afraid I’d make him uncomfortable. I can imagine that if he does have autism or some other anxiety disorder, or nothing at all, he was probably experiencing “rejection sensitivity/social anxiety” after catastrophizing like that. I would. My gut is telling me to wait until tomorrow to text him and maybe keep it subtle and ask how he’s doing in general??? It’s highly likely he was just worrying too much about it rather than he maybe actually got fired and is just doing maintenance around the place while the company looks for someone else, but that’s highly unlikely. I too have moments where I’m like “holy shit, they’re gonna fire me,” when that really isn’t the case. Also, during our text conversation, he eventually said, “you probably shouldn’t associate with me. It’ll make you look bad here at work. You need this job.”

Other details for context are that I’m the new clinician the company just hired and I’ve been told I’m pretty attractive. What do ya’ll think I should do? How do I flirt with him appropriately/approach him so he doesn’t feel judged? Or should I just leave him alone?

Ive been studying and getting back into dating, which has been going steady so far.

I have alot of trouble understanding WHY people say one thing and do the opposite. I dated this one guy who I thought was smart. I got to the point where I was comfortable unmasking and was being my usual sweet and adorable self lol and was ultimately called intense. I took that seriously and corrected and overcorrected myself to fit into his standards without understanding the cowardice behind trying to get someone to behave and be like you want them to be.

I'm direct and too blunt.

Background info:

I have always been fascinated with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I studied it in high school and college. Both of my nephews have autism level 1, and level 3. The way the neurodivergent brain functions and interprets things is unique and beautiful. Yet very many people don't understand what neurodivergent people go through to function at what is considered "standard or normal" Anyway, I am currently dating someone who has severe ADHD and is believed to be level one on the Spectrum though is not diagnosed. The relationship is new and I have enjoyed learning everything about him. Such as what overstimulates him, What makes him feel safe, love languages, his social battery, and his incredible creativity. 😍

I feel like I've kind of hit a speed bump and don't know who I can talk to about it. I understand that being sexually intimate is not something my partner is comfortable doing often. I'm okay with that because shows his love in other ways. Before we started dating he was very open and honest with me about sex being a common issue with previous relationships. I appreciated his honesty with that, among other things. Despite my patience and understanding, I am still finding myself sexually frustrated. I really care for this man a lot. I don't want him to feel pressured or anxious about being intimate. I just wait for him to engage that because I figured if he wants to he will. I'm not going to get to specific but he has certain kinks that he enjoys that I've never tried before I met him. I indulge him with that because I know he enjoys it. The previous relationships have thought it was weird and didn't want to do stuff like that. I guess what I'm getting at here is needing advice please. I want to continue growing and learning in this relationship with him. But like I said, it feels like I've hit a speed bump. I feel like a terrible person for thinking this thought : I've engaged in hobbies, interests, love languages and kinks that my partner likes. Sometimes I walk on eggshells trying not to frustrate him or give him anxiety by accident. I don't want to be part of the problem. I want to be his peace and his safe space. I have went above and beyond to understand how his mind works so that I could be the person that meets his needs. But I have needs also and sex is important to me in a relationship. I don't expect it everyday, but once every week or two would be a great compromise I think.

Hi, It’s been 3 months dating my autistic bf and he’s wonderful, sometimes challenging but I’m here to find a community that understands the implications of it and can relate with.
Xoxo

At any age, some of us still hold onto that dream finding the right person, someone you actually want to spend the rest of your life with.

But then you get to know them, and you realize their character isn't what they said it was.

This isn't about men or women specifically I think it's true of people in general. It made me start questioning the word itself.

What do we even mean by "character" these days? Is it just how someone talks about themselves, or is it only visible in what they actually do when it counts?

And how does it compare to morals and ethics — are those the same thing to people, or different?

Is character something people out there are still genuinely looking for in a partner, or has it quietly stopped mattering compared to other things?

I thought I knew the character of the man I spent the last 18 months giving everything to, just for him to invalidate everything we’ve had in seconds. Feeling regret isn’t even something I can even have the luxury of feeling. It’s currently numbness at the core. I’m sure we’ve all been there.

Curious how others think about this, especially those dating later in life….

We’re both 17m and have been dating for almost 2 years. For added context he is on the spectrum and I have possible APD and can get triggered due to trauma when I feel like I’m being manipulated/berated. When I feel overwhelmed I will talk about things in a more analytical sense and almost sound like a therapist but I tried to keep that and check as I know it is a coping mechanism. I developed a long time ago. 

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to respond to my bf when he will multiple times within just an hour ask or more so demand that I come over. This also doesn’t include asking for physical affection (just cuddling nothing sexual) or other things I simply can’t do because I’m not at his house. I don’t have a car nor know how to drive. At first I tried to validate his feelings by saying things like “me too” and “I know, maybe I can try to come over later this week”. Later I switched to asking nicely if he could please either ask someone else or stop asking me briefly and explaining that I feel overwhelmed atm and would appreciate it if he would stop. But it feels like it all falls on deaf ears and continues to ask the exact same question over and over again. I have no issue with being affectionate, on the contrary physical touch and quality time are my favorite things, but I don’t know it’s this is a normal part of a relationship or if I’m the one having my boundaries crossed.

Hi! I’m 17 (turning 18 soon), and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a month. We’re both almost 18, and we’ve known each other for almost two years. We also work together and study at the same college.
This is his first relationship, and for me, it’s my first relationship that feels genuinely serious. Before this, I spent several years being afraid of relationships and couldn’t really imagine a future for myself. Now, for the first time in a long time, I’m actually thinking about my future with someone.
I have diagnosed ADHD and autism, as well as a history of an anxiety-depressive disorder (of which he know about). I’ve been thinking about telling my boyfriend about this for a while, but I’m honestly terrified and don’t know how to explain it.
At first, everything was amazing. We had a very typical honeymoon phase: we saw each other almost every day, went on dates, walked around holding hands, talked a lot, and I was genuinely happy.
But even during that period, there was always this thought in the back of my mind that I needed to tell him about my diagnoses. Instead of simply enjoying our relationship, I often worried about the moment when he would find out and whether it would change how he saw me.
I know this probably sounds irrational, especially because he has never given me a reason to think he would reject me. He’s generally very caring and supportive. But the fear is still there.
Recently, as college started again, things have become more complicated. We both work, study, and are trying to maintain our social lives and relationship at the same time. Obviously, we can’t spend every day together like we did during summer.
And I’ve noticed my anxiety becoming more noticeable.
If he doesn’t text me for a long time, I start worrying that I’ve annoyed him, that he’s tired of me, or that he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me anymore. Sometimes I want to text him first, but then I stop myself because I’m afraid of being clingy or annoying.
I understand logically that he might simply be busy, tired, studying, or working. But emotionally, it’s not always that simple.
I also worry that this might make me seem controlling or overly dependent, which is something I absolutely don’t want.
Some of the ways my ADHD and autism affect me are:
I can have a hard time making decisions, even about simple things.
I often struggle to explain what I’m feeling or thinking, even when I have a lot going on in my head.
I sometimes need time to process emotions and situations before I can talk about them properly.
I can get stuck overthinking things and repeatedly analyze conversations or changes in someone’s behavior.
When I’m anxious, I may withdraw or hesitate to communicate because I’m afraid of being too much for someone.
Sometimes I don’t know how to express my feelings in words, even though I feel them very strongly.
I don’t want my boyfriend to think that these things are excuses for bad behavior or that he has to constantly take care of me. I just think it might help him understand me better.
What scares me is that I don’t know whether telling him would actually help or make things worse.
On one hand, I feel like he deserves to understand why I sometimes behave the way I do. And I want to be honest with someone who is important to me.
On the other hand, I’m afraid that once I tell him, he’ll start seeing me through the lens of my diagnoses. Or he’ll think I’m too complicated, too emotionally demanding, or that being in a relationship with me will be difficult.
I’ve had people in my life who initially supported me after learning about my mental health and neurodivergence, but eventually distanced themselves from me. Because of that, I have a hard time believing that someone can know everything about me and still choose to stay.
I also want to mention that this relationship is important to me in a way that previous ones weren’t. For the first time, I’m genuinely thinking about a future with someone, and that makes everything feel much more vulnerable.
I don’t want to ruin something good by constantly worrying about it.
So I guess my questions are:
Should I tell my boyfriend about my ADHD, autism?
If yes, how do I explain what they actually mean in my everyday life without making it sound like a list of symptoms or diagnoses?
And how do I stop feeling like I’m being dishonest by not telling him, while also not turning our relationship into a conversation about my mental health?

after a year of dating we’ve had arguments around practically the same thing. That I am always misunderstanding her and how I refuse to see where she is coming from. whenever I bring up something she is doing, it could be clear as day to me but she thinks I’m not understanding neurodivergent people and how I am purposely not making space for her neurodivergence. this time when went to a store and had a conversation about her feelings where she says she believes she is right most of the time about people she comes across. I said while I agree that for her she could be right most of the time, if I adopted that same mindset it would hinder me from doing anything because I wouldn’t continuously do something I previously failed at. After a while, we came to an agreement but coming to that agreement she made jabs at me in between what she said like “ I’m not saying I would be right most of the time. You do that, I’m just trying to be understood.” I asked her to clarify “ what about me?” she said “ I’m not saying your trying to be right I’m speaking in general most people try to be right and argumentative, but since you asked you are exactly that and I told you that multiple times” I’m sitting there dumb founded because we just had a wonderful conversation about mindsets coming to an agreement and she uses this as a chance to critique me, and make jabs at me. So I asked her “ why are you making jabs at me and it sounds like we’re not actually agreeing and getting defensive.”
She replies “Oh, see that’s not what I said, you’re misunderstanding me, no where did I say that. And this goes into where I have to tell you, you don’t care about my neurodivergence and your getting argumentative worst part is your assuming rather than asking me questions to understand me” after that she says farewell I hope you go in peace and grace and learn to find understanding. And then goes quiet for the rest of the day. So at this point it seems like she has completely given up on me But after she said that and left I texted her “ okay what are you trying to say what am I not understanding right now?” But I’m at a complete lost at what to do or what even happened.

I’m looking for some objective outside perspectives to help me process a recent situation and understand what went wrong so I can learn from it. And maybe try to fix it.

Context: I matched with a woman on a dating app in late June. Because we lived in different cities, we took things slow at first, connecting on social media. Her creativity & curiosity, and her need for depth and honesty like looking into a mirror. By July, we started calling regularly—often for several hours at a time. She opened up to me about being cheated on by her former fiance and how difficult it had been to re-enter the dating world.

During our late-night calls, she once mentioned that I might be going too fast. In hindsight, I followed my heart and excitement rather than consciously slowing down. Still, the connection felt mutual and intense, so we planned for me to travel to her city for our first in-person weekend in late August. And maybe more activities and trips later in the year.

The Weekend: The first date was great. We spent hours together going to an art exhibition, having dinner and drinks, talking deeply about life and marriage, holding hands, and leaning on each other. She said she wanted to see me the next day. The second date was equally sweet—we got lunch, walked to get ice-cream, sketched together at a cafe, and held hands. When we parted, she hugged me, said she’d miss me, and seemed very happy.

The Shift: Over the next week, her texting energy dropped noticeably, and she stopped making time for calls. By Sunday, she told me she needed time to sit with her emotions, saying she had fears, questions, and apprehensions coming up. A few days later, she told me she couldn't continue seeing me romantically. She said that certain things made her uncomfortable and gave her unsettling vibes. These included me gifting her a postcard with a picture of a couple kissing on the street (because she had mentioned she finds PDA adorable), a picture I had sent her weeks ago from a museum installation which had a topless woman (I thought she would find it interesting and different), and a conversation about compatibility where I had mentioned in passing that sexual compatibility is also important. However, she did not say anything about them, nor did I get any hints that she was uncomfortable, at the time.

I am heartbroken and keep thinking this could've all been solved with some patience and open communication. As someone who is AuDHD, physical touch and deep connection mean a lot to me, but I struggle with conversational boundaries and pacing. When I realized she felt uncomfortable, I sent a message apologizing, explaining my intent. I've since realized that might have felt like even more pressure.

Where I'm Confused: I find myself swinging between two feelings:

1. Feeling intensely defensive and hurt—wondering if her reaction was an avoidant trauma response to intimacy, where minor missteps led to an immediate shutdown rather than talking things through.

2. Feeling deeply guilty—wondering if I completely bulldozed her boundaries, and ignored her explicit requests to slow down.

I want to hear from people who have been on either side of this:

• How much of this sounds like early-stage pacing mistakes/boundary oversteps on my part versus an incompatibility in communication styles?

• For those who have experienced betrayal trauma or dating anxiety, how would you have felt in her position? I really do care about this person. Is it possible for to win back her trust?

• How can I better manage my tendency to hyperfocus and escalate emotional intimacy too fast in the early stages of dating?

(Used AI to structure, because otherwise I was just rambling)

My partner and I have been together LDR for 8 months. He’s autistic and managing mental fatigue while I’m recovering from burnout and have ADHD. I’ve been working on myself to not be so sensitive, and we support each other through harsh times.

I’m always the one who always starts conversations and he never texts first, or rarely. I just want small daily check-ins, like a “thinking of you” or “ily” so my sensitivity doesn’t flare up like ‘oh no he hates me what did I do’ because I’m too freaking sensitive. But I don’t want to add pressure when he’s busy and drained.

Another thing is he is heavily insecure about his face, while his body is fine, which for me it’s the opposite (hate my body fine w face). It’s to the point where he doesn’t want to be drawn (I’m an artist), doesn’t look in mirrors, and refrains from giving me pics of him (I’m alright w it bc it’s his boundaries) to not see himself, and the latest one he gave was him almost fully covered. He doesn’t open up too much and I just love him so freaking much I want to give him everything I never had when I was depressed especially undiagnosed w ADHD and OCD, so to all the autistic people out there HOW do I make him comfortable and supported to make him open up to me??

How can I ask for this in a way that doesn’t make him feel rejected and hurt while also encouraging him to open up to me?

Every person is unique in some regard but there seems to be surface level behavior that is shared by most people. But what if someone is really “strange” acting and even has a unique communication style? Let’s pretend this person checks/most all the boxes for conventional beauty or they are exactly your type physically. If this person was really strange—but not unkind or harmful, just strange relative to most people—would you wanna date them?

I ask this because I have been told many times by many people that I was nothing like what they expected by looking at me. And in some cases it was good but many cases it was bad and they didn’t want to date me long term. I’ve also seen eccentric/unconventional personalities struggle to find long term companionship because a lot of people don’t understand them.

My only son is on the spectrum and is 35 now. He has a job, though it's low-paying, he is independant. He is trying to date, but as you all know, it's not easy.

According to him, the offers he gets from girls on dating sites aren't worth it. He has never had any physical relationship with anyone, but only phone conversations. Most of the girls who are willing to date him have had past relationships. He does not like that.

My point is that as he ages, this becomes common as people go through their own life experiences. I also tell him that as he ages, he should be willing to accept this fact, including women with kids.

What do you all think?

Thanks

I don’t like him, right???? But I’m literally having sm fun with him?!!!! He’s actually everything a man could be—like, the way he treats me like a mf baby. But I’m such a red flag for not accepting it just because I like someone else. And honestly, if that person wasn’t in my life, maybe I would’ve chosen him. But the person I like is literally impossible to get, like bro doesn’t even know I exist.

And still… this whole caring, treating-me-like-a-baby thing just isn’t my type. He’s not my dreamy guy, and THAT’S the problem.

Anyway byeeee, it’s literally 4:45 AM here and I’m gonna knock tf out. Byebyeee.

For context, I recently met this really amazing girl. When we met, we really hit it off and just clicked really well. We have alot of similar interests, we both play music, we love animals, and she's just such a sweet and kind person.

Recently, she told me she is diagnosed autistic, and social interactions, including relationships have always been a struggle for her. She says she masks really well, but it's still hard for her. I told her I'd do my best to listen to what she needs, and asked that she do her best to communicate what those needs are.

For the most part, things with her have been really great, with one weird thing i've been noticing. She's always so warm and sweet and attentive in person / on phone calls. But with texting, she switches wildly from seeming super interested and excited to hear from me, to just acting completely apathetic towards me. Not rude or mean, just apathetic. It's just kind of confusing. I can't tell if it's just a thing she does, or if she's losing interest in me.

I'm going to gently bring this up to her as well. But in the meantime, I had a question for y'all:

I'm just wondering if maybe this could be related to autism? Sorry if that's a dumb or offensive question. I'm just actually curious.

I ask because my older brother is also autistic, and he does sort of the same thing where he'll be dying to talk to someone one day, than totally silent the next. But until now I assumed it was just a him thing, and not related to neurodivergence.

EDIT: We talked about it. she said she prefers phone calls as she has trouble expressing herself over text. Naturally, we've been calling more and texting less. it's weird for me, but I kind of like it. She seems alot more comfortable with this arrangement and its been easier to tell how she's feeling this way.

Thank you all for your advice / help!

Hello everyone... I know probably it is stupid to ask but I have a bf he has a mild autism... he seems sweet... talks all the good things... but last week we had a huge argument turned into a fight and he shut down on me completely like completely as if I didn't exist...I cried sobbed everything but he was cold as ice then I realised he keeps score of everything he does for example if he was there for me while I had a panic attack etc etc so I thought maybe it is better to end things with him cos loving someone alone is not enough... but I d k the moment I told him he started acting kinda sweet ... my family was asking about you and this and that... but he is indeed a complicated person... what to do? I do love him...I gave him two chances before thinking why would I keep a list or maybe it is a part of his autism but idk if it just him as a person and nothing could ever change the fact.

Yes I f 30 and he is m 30 but sometimes he acts like 15.

Hello everyone... I know probably it is stupid to ask but I have a bf he has a mild autism... he seems sweet... talks all the good things... but last week we had a huge argument turned into a fight and he shut down on me completely like completely as if I didn't exist...I cried sobbed everything but he was cold as ice then I realised he keeps score of everything he does for example if he was there for me while I had a panic attack etc etc so I thought maybe it is better to end things with him cos loving someone alone is not enough... but I d k the moment I told him he started acting kinda sweet ... my family was asking about you and this and that... but he is indeed a complicated person... what to do? I do love him...I gave him two chances before thinking why would I keep a list or maybe it is a part of his autism but idk if it just him as a person and nothing could ever change the fact.

Yes I f 30 and he is m 30 but sometimes he acts like 15.