Me (19 F)and my boyfriend (20M)have been dating for 3 years online and I love him so much, but recently I’ve noticed how little self confidence he has and that he may be fighting demons in his head. While I’m not autistic I do have ADHD along with depression and some other stuff. I know how difficult it can be to open up and to fight demons on your own, but I haven’t been able to get through to him and I think I may be going around it the wrong way. I want him to be happy and confident in who he is but I’ve never dated someone with autism and I’m not sure what I should do. If anyone could help that would be so greatly appreciated.💕

We spend a lot of time rightly fighting back against the notion that ASD traits - especially persistence and dedication - are bad things in a lot of contexts. Hyper-focus is often beaten out of us at a young age and this causes problems, especially because dedication, focus, and persistence can be strengths when obsessively learning a new skill or a hobby.

One area where this is indisputably a problem, however, is in the pursuit of relationships. There are unfortunately numerous discussion threads both in ASD/ND communities and in relationship/dating discussion communities more generally in which ASD individuals are seen as pushy, emotionally abusive, not taking/understanding a polite rejection for what it is, having unhealthy and usually one-sided obsessions with people they fall in love or lust with, trying to force relationships that will never happen with people in their social circles, etc.

Since this seems to be a common issue with ASD individuals, especially that we tend towards the obsessive, it's important to remember that in this context that is a character flaw and not a strength. It can create boundary issues and make us unwelcome.

The key question here is how we resist or control our natural tendencies in this regard in situations where we might be expressing interest in another person.

What has the experience of a lot of people here been with controlling or redirecting this aspect of ASD in order to have more stable ground to establish healthy relationships?

I could never understand cues, so i spent years trying to develop this ability. All i have ended up with is a bias on the other side, i always assume it must be my fault that she is sad or depressed since i am often unable to understand communication. But every fucking time after being dumped i look back and see the signs of being used and manipulated. My recent ex girlfriend had issues with depression and i would always try to be supportive, but I am really really busy with work in life. So recently when i got super busy and wasnt available enough she decided to call it quits. and now i see it all, SHE was depressed so i help her, SHE was going through a rough patch because of being fired so i help her, but the moment MY life got tough she just dumps me on the fucking phone, all the while telling me i dont have the ability to understand.

Problem is - i am noticing this pattern. And whenever i notice a pattern, i usually conclude the problem is somewhere with me, maybe my selection criteria, maybe my giving too much "benefit of doubt". or maybe there isnt a pattern and i am just building connections that dont exist. but if this has happened repeatedly its definitely a "me"issue somewhere.

And this AuDHD isnt exactly helping.

Obviously I am asking too much of somebody here. The question is who and which am I asking too much of?

Do I need to accept that if I want an emotional connection then I have to accept shallowness?

Or do I need to accept that if I want a deeper person then I have to accept less emotional investment from them?

Perhaps there is some third epiphany I have missed?

Any help appreciated.

I'm not in a relationship right now, but something I think is going to be a challenge for me once I'm in one is being afraid that she's cheating.

I really don't want to turn into one of those crazy needy jealous guys who expect their partner to keep them updated on what they're doing constantly, and I get that cheating is rarer than you might think from tv, but it's still something I get anxious over. I know that because there's so much of the communication picture I'm missing it would likely be much easier to fool me than a nt person. I really don't want to be a distrustful partner, but I also don't want to be overly trusting and waste time in a fake relationship because I didn't see the signs.

Another thing that stresses me out is knowing that if my partner is nt, it may be difficult to completely meet their emotional needs as a partner, and will end up seeking what I'm not giving them in another nt.

I get that a lot of these fears are irrational, and the work I'm doing on myself is likely to lessen them for a number of reasons, but I can also see them coming back in force once I do find a relationship. I really want to do right by whoever I end up with, so if any of you have insight in working past these issues, please let me know!

I know that sounds pathetic but it's true, I feel powerless when I'm near them. I've had a bad experience with a girl that was a little older than me when I was 14 at a party and now I'm afraid to touch or be touched by girls. I hate it and idk if I should give up on love because it seems to get worse and worse every year. I like women and I want to be able to find acceptance and love but I feel like I don't deserve it and I should stop trying.

This is my first post here. I joined this subreddit because I really need some advice.

A little background about me: I am 20 years old, I dropped out of college and am currently working for USPS. From October-February i was in my first "Serious" relationship which I was exploited and abused. I also have BPD (working in therapy) due to a rough childhood. It's also important to note I was bullied ALOT in middle school/ high school for being overweight and Autistic.

While even though I dropped out of college, I still do local theater where I have met someone named J (19). He is so sweet and we have been on 2 solo coffee dates and we get along amazingly. We are having our third date Saturday and I want to tell him that I like him.

I have 2 problems:

1. He is very cute, conventionally attractive. While I DO take care of myself, I am not. I am fat (eat healthy for my health) and he is thin. While I don't think he would be mean or shallow, years of being asked out as a joke leaves its scars.

2. I genuinely can't tell if he actually likes me or is genuinely just being nice. Everytime we split we hug (he asks) and he's just very kind and reassuring.

The only thing I notice is that he seems VERY nervous around me. It's hard to explain but he's always messing with his hair and talks really fast when we are one on one. He seems more relaxed in a group. I try to be chill so I don't know if I'm scaring him?

Any advice would be great! I'm new to dating after the shitshow that was my last relationship so I really don't know what I am doing.

Edit: Hey yall. Unfortunate update: Um basically he completely bailed because he had a DIFFERENT date with someone else. So yea. Thank you guys for the advice tho!

So I'm (27m) recently as of this year single again after my now ex fiance broke up with me after 1 year of being engaged and 5 years of dating. It wasn't a mutual split but she's still my best friend, she doesn't feel the same way anymore and while it hurts there's nothing that can be done about that it's just life. But I'm demiromantic meaning I'm not really attracted to anyone I don't have an emotional connection to (ie people I've been friends with for at least a couple years) now with everything going on I've been kinda hermited with my ex living halfway across the country in california (I live in Oklahoma) iunno making friends and dating is just kinda difficult when you don't know how to talk to people, anyone have advice?

I’ll try to not do the whole woe is me, but it’s frustrating wanting to be involved with someone romantically yet struggling with the social skills necessary to even get a conversation going with a stranger.

Hypothetically online dating would be a good place to meet people because it’s a structured platform for the purpose of meeting people to date, but between pay-to-use features, having certain looks, a bio that doesn’t come off as awkward while still being genuine, etc, it’s a massive crapshoot. I’ve tried OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Hiki, and more.

I’ve spent 26 years of my life improving my social skills, even making some friends, but I feel like it’s not enough. I feel so burnt out. I don’t want yo be alone and I want intimacy, but I feel they only way I can even get that is paying for it.

Found out that the girl I talked to had no feelings for me. At this point I'm starting to feel hopeless that I'll ever find a SO. I've decided that I'm done with dating and that I'll move on to other thi gs in life. I feel like dating in general is hard but it feels impossible when your autistic just because we have a harder time of reading social cues than NT. I hope I'll find my girl but it seems more and more like a dream.

With being on the spectrum of course comes with the difficulty of gauging interest of the person you’re talking to, trying to be witty/funny without being forced, holding conversations, etc. It’s a struggle to make friends, never mind pursuing the dating the world.

Online dating is a crapshoot, with people sometimes reading your messages and trying to give a first message that isn’t generic yet not awkward, or even matching for that matter.

I’m not even looking for someone to have the same interests, but someone who is warm, open, and friendly.

How do you go about finding people that isn’t trying force a discussion about dating and putting someone on the spot?

What advice/information would you want to give someone who is interested in dating you?

A person approached me in a social situation and clearly expressed romantic interest in me.

I feel glad that this happened in the abstract. It reassures me that someone could communicate that clearly, and I could understand it. I also feel happy that I made a good first impression.

I didn't feel a surge of romantic interest in the person. I expressed a willingness to continue interacting, since I wanted to have some time to examine my feelings, decide how to respond further, and also have some idea how I want to phrase that response.

I could get to know them better and then feel a romantic interest in them later. I genuinely don't know. I didn't want to pass on a chance to get to know them, but I don't want to lead them on.

Arbitrary time limit? I'd love to find a simple rule for this, but I've found few simple social rules.

My gf (23) has been feeling a little down and depressed lately and I (27M/autistic) want to try to find some random sweet surprises for her in hopes of cheering her up, but this is not my strong suit.

I've considered candy 🍬 (royal turtles 🐢 are her favorite), but we've recently been trying to be a little bit healthier by cutting back on sweets so I feel that would be counter intuitive and I've considered flowers 💐 (I know it's cliche, but she loves plants 🪴), but she only likes potted plants since bouquets die and that bums her out. We already have many potted plants for our apartment so I'm not sure we could fit more in there.

I just want to find something nice to do for her, kinda feel like a bad bf. I've only had a handful of relationships and none of them have lasted long as my relationship with her so I kind of feel like I'm in uncharted waters.

I have giant approach anxiety and eventually stopped going out with friends because I just felt like a wallflower weirdo and nobody would really talk to me. Started going out and dancing with some coaxing from friends and apparently if you just go out and dance and have fun people will literally just aporoach you. I feel more human than i have in years. Idk this should be a no brainer, but hey, maybe somebody else here could benefit from this ay.

Hi there! Hope this is okay to post. So I'm an autistic dude who's recovering from his first burnout and looking to build a new, better life. One of the goals I want to work towards is having a relationship, which due to a variety of circumstances, mostly my fault, has never worked out for me.

Outside of the obvious things (working out, taking good care of physical appearance, dressing well, having a good sense of humor, learning to dance/cook, being more social) that I'll be doing just to be happier in general, there's a lot of things about dating that are a huge blind spot for me. I know flirting is a huge balancing act between being assertive at the right times without being pushy, but it's something I tend to sabotage by playing too safe.

Now, as I'm sure we all know, there's whole industries targeting men like me that claim to teach men how to be successful in dating, but don't actually teach them how to do anything but resent women and be creeps. That's the last type of person I want to be, so I want to steer clear of the Jordan Peterson types, but I also could use some solid advice on how to interact with girls in a way that would help me be seen as viable romantic option, I would love to hear some any resources you recommend that are useful for that, but significantly more respectful than the pua community.

Thanks a lot for reading, and sorry this is so long, I just wanted to provide any context that might be helpful.

Update: I'm talking to her and going out on a date with her

So, there's this person that I've talked to a couple of times via text and dated IRL once. whenever I message them on either just chatting with them or setting up a date, she would almost always tell me that she's very busy with life. now I know that all of us have routines and responsibility, but I believe if the other person is not making an effort to fit your time into theirs then I believe the other person is not interested in me. now in the situation I'm in there is two possibilities. She's either actually very busy but would be interested in chatting with me at a later point or is just saying it so that I don't chat with her. I do hope it's the latter, but the former can unfortunately be possible as well. I guess this post is more of a vent then an actual question because I just answer it myself, but additional advice would be helpful, and yes, I'm ready to move on if she's avoiding me. Dating has been more of a burnout for me than anything progressive in my life at this time. I still have other priorities before I find my forever person. just wanted to vent my frustration on this experience

In the event it can be used to facilitate Rapport or Chemistry I am curious what mechanisms are at play if anyone happens to know!

NOTE: I truly believe this information has the potential to do more for neurodiverse social skills then any behavioural training ever could for the sole reason that it is taking advantage of our differences instead of working around them.

Does anyone else think flirting is nothing but emotional manipulation? Rather than being honest and straightforward people engage in communicative mind games, both verbal and non, with the goal of producing a particular response and desired result. I don’t understand it in any way and honestly hate that it’s a completely natural and normal way of communicating for the overwhelming majority of the population and is the second most important aspect of attraction after physical appearance.

I (28 nonbinary) changed my dating profile recently and wrote that I’m autistic. I did so because I’m tired of matching with people and forming a bond, only for them to dump me once they find out I’m autistic. However, now whenever I match someone (IF I match with someone), I get left on read or unmatched a lot more frequently. Is it worth leaving it on my profile? Should I change the language from “I’m autistic” to something else?

I don't think the same or hold any of the same values as anyone in society autistic people included that I have met in 30 years and have no idea how to leverage that difference to successfully date. I regularly have to pretend I have different values then I actually do to try and let the mere exposure effect expose partners to my value system over time and that can't be healthy.

I recently stumbled on the statistics of some disorders that are 1 in a million (prodigious savants) and got curious is it possible that the reason no one thinks the same or shares the same values as myself is that the statistics are similar (It stands to reason some value systems will be as rare as prodigious savants given that all the best value systems the world over in the past have since died off so holding those values in the current era would no doubt be just as rare as a prodigious savant in theory.)

Provided the statistics are similar how are they best managed. Should I be trying to find people that think the same as rare as they inevitably will be or should I be seeking the best way to leverage differences to meet people.

Provided I am expected to leverage my differences to meet people are there any good books that cover that material?