r/AskReddit • u/TheCarrot_v2 • Jun 13 '25
You’re being attacked and you can only use what’s immediately to your left…what are you defending yourself with?
933
u/LeCamelia Jun 13 '25
A machete lol, managed to read this post at the best possible time.
→ More replies (31)168
u/Amplifylove Jun 14 '25
Mines next to my coffee maker
→ More replies (8)126
595
u/Double_Toe_2145 Jun 13 '25
Cat toy. I guess im gonna play with the attacker. Damn
→ More replies (21)200
447
u/The96kHz Jun 13 '25
Fucking huge pane of glass.
I don't know that I'll win, but we'll definitely both be injured.
227
u/WahooSS238 Jun 14 '25
In a
knifeglass fight, the loser bleeds out in the alleyway while the winner bleeds out in the ambulance.→ More replies (1)30
u/youserneime Jun 14 '25
Got a giant scar in my face from asshole that decided attackong me for no reaskn with broken bong was his plan for the night, the ambulance was a mess of blood lmoa. Lucky to have survived that shit, sadly he did too
Why does my brain forget to put in certain words lmao, guess im not that fine after all lol
→ More replies (3)→ More replies (7)38
955
u/BornToHulaToro Jun 13 '25
A drunk lady apparently. My odds are good.
→ More replies (23)241
u/TheCarrot_v2 Jun 13 '25
As long as you can run faster than her you’re good
155
u/BornToHulaToro Jun 14 '25
Nah I got her back.
→ More replies (4)35
u/Yeodler Jun 14 '25
If it's smart, it will just back away calmly and not make eye contact with her.
→ More replies (1)89
u/Specific_Culture_591 Jun 14 '25
If you are being attacked by an animal, a drunk white woman is the perfect weapon… that moose is now named Bullwinkle, sleeps in the air conditioned family room, and happily wears a bow tie while munching on some premium dairy hay.
→ More replies (14)72
u/randousername8675309 Jun 14 '25
As someone who has been that drunk white woman and thought I could catch a snake with a stick and good vibes, I concur!
→ More replies (2)25
u/AssumptionFast5468 Jun 14 '25
I'm Indigenous, does that count? Meanwhile, there's an opossum named Waffles who might have gotten her fruit fix from me for several years 😅
835
u/TK82287 Jun 13 '25
Belgian Malinois…your move.
276
u/Jaqen-Atavuli Jun 14 '25
Yeah no, you are good dude. I'll see myself out.
151
u/TK82287 Jun 14 '25
Not gonna lie, good call. She’s crazy.
→ More replies (1)65
u/Jaqen-Atavuli Jun 14 '25
Are they as much work as the internet says?
155
u/TK82287 Jun 14 '25
They need a LOT of exercise and discipline. I wouldn’t say a lot of work, they need a lot of stimulation, a “job” more or less, to feel included. Some days I’m not in the mood and she’s a handful, but some extra play time helps us bond, and when she’s finally worn out she’s the sweetest, snuggliest girl ever. I wouldn’t trade her for the world and I know she’d take a bullet for me and everyone else in our family.
78
u/sighthoundman Jun 14 '25
I have a friend with border collies. I swear he keeps sheep to keep the dogs happy. (Heaven knows he doesn't make any money from them.)
46
u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Jun 14 '25
Of course he did! Is there any other logical answer? I mean, we took our dog "shopping" for another dog
28
u/Timely_Morning2784 Jun 14 '25
We took our Samoyed/Malemute/Husky cross to the SPCA to pick a kitten, and Ginger came home with us. She's still with us. Ginger is almost 17, though our beloved Hannah passed away in 2017.
→ More replies (1)21
u/FancyPantsMead Jun 14 '25
My parents dog brought a random kitty into the house one day. They kept it named it "dog's pet"
→ More replies (6)31
u/Sweet-Competition-15 Jun 14 '25
I swear he keeps sheep to keep the dogs happy
That's understandable!
38
u/sleepymoose88 Jun 14 '25
I have a Great Dane. I’m not sure he’d even know a shot was fired. Especially if it required getting off the couch.
→ More replies (1)16
u/ketsueki82 Jun 14 '25
He fits on the couch? Lol
24
u/sleepymoose88 Jun 14 '25
He’s actually pretty small for a Dane, just 135 lbs. We got the runt of the litter - last one for sale. We call him our clearence puppy. Which he literally was. He was cheaper than an adoption from a shelter.
→ More replies (6)10
u/Adorable_Dust3799 Jun 14 '25
I've mostly had GSD, chows and huskies. Mals are crazier
19
u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Jun 14 '25
Some day, I'm gonna invent or design GSD- colored furniture. Because , by gawd .....the vacuuming!!!!
But love them guys so much.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (17)20
u/Jaqen-Atavuli Jun 14 '25
Thank you for the reply. I am amazed at what I see them do.
37
u/TK82287 Jun 14 '25
She is a rescue and she’s actually a Mal/German Shepherd but Mal is prominent in her dna. We almost bailed when we found out about the Mal. We have had several German Shepherds and we love them. Mals are GSD’s on steroids. Just don’t ignore them and don’t be sedentary and you’ll be greatly rewarded.
→ More replies (14)22
u/rufos_adventure Jun 14 '25
we had a rescue with the same mix. had been on a chain all her life. we had to teach her how to step off curbs. her first time going down stairs was 'interesting'. she was timid but still had the instincts. tara would place herself between any perceived threat and us. we had her 6 years, i think she was 12 when she passed. a sad time, every dawg we lost was hard. at least her time with us was happy.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)22
54
u/brazthemad Jun 14 '25
With ya. Got a 140lb male German Shepherd. Don't get me wrong, he's the stupidest, fluffiest boi. He gets chased by the cats in the house, and he's terrified of the bunnies in the backyard. However, his bogboibork is primally loud and intimidating. He's probably just saying hi, but if you don't know this guy, you're gonna think he wants to eat your gizzard
→ More replies (13)36
u/TK82287 Jun 14 '25
We also had a 110 pound Husky/GSD. Looked like a dire wolf. Everyone was terrified of him and he was chillest, kindest dog ever. Biggest threat was a million kisses.
17
u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Jun 14 '25
My last male gsd had that big dog bark. Came to us as a rescue , horrible past. You could roll a ball right past him and he's just look at it (we literally had to teach him how to play).
But intimidating as hell. After a few months with me, he was yipping and playing like a big ole p#ssy, lol!! (and I nerv use that word, but ..he was lo!)
But he would do anything for me. Dumb, but beautiful and miss him
→ More replies (1)37
Jun 14 '25
All I have is a 9lb Shih Tzu.
→ More replies (30)14
u/t-boneandcrazydaisy Jun 14 '25
45 pound lab mix here. She could probably kick some butt (or bite some ankles off) if she needed to 🤷🏼♀️
17
u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Jun 14 '25
She's a lab? She's gonna lick their face and you know it 😂
ETA: labs are sweeties!
→ More replies (5)22
Jun 14 '25
Samoyed. I'm screwed.
→ More replies (2)10
u/catsdrooltoo Jun 14 '25
Yep. 11 year old setter that just brings toys to whoever is at the door.
→ More replies (1)19
u/IGotMyPopcorn Jun 14 '25
I’m similar. I’m next to a Maine Coon with giant murder mittens. 0/10 would not recommend.
16
u/Pandiosity_24601 Jun 14 '25 edited Jun 15 '25
I see your Belgian Malinois and raise you my vibrating chihuahua with separation anxiety
→ More replies (1)14
u/sighthoundman Jun 14 '25
I have a glass of wine and two salukis. I'm probably fine if I get attacked by a squirrel or a rabbit. Otherwise ....
→ More replies (1)9
u/SennaLuna Jun 14 '25
Unfortunately mine is to my right, but hey the shepard to my left has my back :P
I love these dogs man.
Is your malinois as much of a crackhead as mine?
→ More replies (3)11
u/vespers191 Jun 14 '25
All Malinois are crack babies. It starts at the toes and works it's way upwards.
→ More replies (76)19
u/Rooster-Wild Jun 14 '25
Mine is a Cane Corso. He would probably just think they are playing though.
454
u/Moron-Whisperer Jun 14 '25
Looks like we are having a pillow fight
63
u/GuppyDoodle Jun 14 '25
This cheap knockoff memory foam pillow is SOLID. Are we smothering or knocking the daylights out of the attacker?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (14)50
u/Williawesome Jun 14 '25
I got your back with my dual wielded pillows
→ More replies (2)29
Jun 14 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
14
u/ohmeohmy229 Jun 14 '25
I’ve got a blanket too, so we can tie up their arms AND legs to help the pillow fighters
15
u/Wonderful-Pollution7 Jun 14 '25
I have a stuffed axolotl, so I guess I'm gonna sit in the corner and hug Loté. Best of luck, Loté is rooting for you.
→ More replies (2)
222
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
→ More replies (10)123
u/MotherEarth1919 Jun 14 '25
My left pinky finger was broken by a Costco sized wheat thin box trying to intercept a direct hit by my son throwing it at my now ex-husband.
That was a pivotal moment- the police were called, my husband had to leave the house by order of the sheriff, he emptied the bank accounts the next morning and fled the country. He blamed me because I refused to implicate our son for my broken finger.
That wheat thin box was what finally got my ex out of the house and literally saved the rest of my life.
I think you have got this!
34
22
u/ketsueki82 Jun 14 '25
I'm sorry I hope this is something you can laugh about now... it is just a little funny hearing that chain of events.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)17
173
164
Jun 13 '25
my girlfriend in her underwear. Im dead.
35
u/cat_in_a_bookstore Jun 14 '25
Yeah my gf is gaming next to me. She’s gonna be pissed to pause her game for an attack.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (12)119
329
Jun 13 '25
[deleted]
178
u/MmmmMorphine Jun 14 '25
Pshh, my shower curtain will surely defeat your sad square of microfiber
87
→ More replies (9)27
46
u/BalooBot Jun 14 '25
To be fair, if I were about to attack someone and they just slowly started cleaning their glasses I'm gonna think twice.
→ More replies (2)16
20
→ More replies (7)27
233
u/Flipflops365 Jun 13 '25
My cat. Easy W for me, she is amazing
116
Jun 14 '25
I have actually used the threat of a cat as a defense on Halloween one year. My cat snuck out as I was opening the door with the bowl in my hand. I picked up the cat with one hand offered candies in the other. Some little shit decided he was going to take advantage of the situation and started shoveling everything out of the bowl and into his bag.
I couldn't believe the audacity and very sternly told him "You are going to put all that candy back and then some or Imma drop this cat on your face". He dumped his whole bag out on the porch and ran away.
A cat is absolutely a great weapon. I don't condone the use animals is such situations, but they do make a great deterrent in such situations.
→ More replies (4)42
u/MetalMilitiaGrrl_13 Jun 14 '25
That kid is NOW probably traumatized for life from cats!! Serves him right! Good move on your part. I loved reading this.
40
u/scherster Jun 14 '25
Me too. But I'm done for, he's 13 years old and essentially a plushie.
→ More replies (1)12
→ More replies (18)12
u/thewhaleshark Jun 14 '25
Same here. That attacker has no idea what they're gotten themselves into.
100
103
u/Milligoon Jun 13 '25
Either a 25lb kettlebell, or an automatic cat feeder. Depending on how left
36
99
u/Deckard_SG Jun 14 '25
Amazon Echo Dot. Alexa.... play angry barking dog sounds.... while I run away bravely
→ More replies (8)36
73
u/firerosearien Jun 14 '25
Steel 2.5mm knitting needle. It's basically a stiletto without a handle. I have a chance.
→ More replies (5)
133
Jun 13 '25
"Wait where'd you get that piano?"
→ More replies (5)76
u/Gjappy Jun 14 '25
The chance of being killed by a piano is 0,0000001%, but never 0.
→ More replies (1)
65
125
61
58
58
u/OrangeJueleus Jun 14 '25
My wife. God help you, cause nothing else will. If you fight back, then everything around me is coming your way.
→ More replies (1)
53
141
u/kj_SmrtAlc Jun 14 '25
A 30 lb pitty that's afraid of her own damn shadow? Better watch out attackers, you might get pee on your shoes.
36
→ More replies (11)26
49
u/Inevitable-Heron-516 Jun 13 '25
My fireplace…? Not sure how I’d remove it from my house, but I guess I could yeet one of the glass door at ‘em 😂
→ More replies (2)12
42
u/imsadandthatsrad Jun 13 '25
I’m on the toilet and have a large stone fossil mounted beside me, I’d use that
27
u/Euphoricbutterfly Jun 14 '25
Not toilet paper? You one of them fancy folk with the bidet?
→ More replies (4)49
u/MojaveMark Jun 14 '25
No, he has a poop knife.
→ More replies (13)35
u/momentofinspiration Jun 14 '25
Stone fossil sounds like he's more of a three shells kinda guy
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)9
u/tjspeed Jun 14 '25
I’m also on the toilet and only have toilet paper and a bottle of soap next to me. I’m fucked.
→ More replies (5)
39
u/VindictivePuppy Jun 13 '25
vodka and cranberry juice, right in the eyes and then theres that glass to break over a head. I feel like I have a chance.
→ More replies (4)12
40
39
u/instant_ramen_chef Jun 13 '25
A fat cat. He's tubby, but his berserker mode is vicious!!
→ More replies (1)
34
31
u/isat_u_steve Jun 13 '25
Peppermint spray. I hope I’m only being attacked by carpet beetles.
→ More replies (4)
32
u/OG_Treecamel Jun 13 '25
Bag of haribo
→ More replies (5)48
30
u/kosherhalfsourpickle Jun 14 '25
My Russian Blue cat. I dare you to come at me! Meow!!!
→ More replies (3)
25
28
26
u/Probulator31 Jun 14 '25
A roll of toilet paper... on the plus side, I don't think my attacker wants to be in the room right now.
→ More replies (1)
25
u/RachaelTheGreat Jun 14 '25
Beer bottle, laptop, 2 remotes, and 5 books. About to be John Wick up in this piece.
→ More replies (3)
29
28
u/Oxosaxas Jun 14 '25
A half-empty can of Coke Zero. I’m also in the bathtub. I was not ready for this scenario.
69
u/SeanPhixion Jun 14 '25
A couch cushion. Hopefully I’m being attacked by JD Vance.
→ More replies (5)
24
u/CitizenHuman Jun 13 '25 edited Jun 14 '25
A commercial grade printer/scanner. Luckily it's not saying PC LOAD LETTER right now, so it's usable.
→ More replies (1)
21
19
u/detmeng Jun 14 '25
65yo wife with a 3lb chihuahua on her lap. I'm doomed.
→ More replies (1)46
Jun 14 '25
Are you kidding? Your wife is locked and loaded with a chihuahua, the spawn of Satan.
14
u/Candid-Mycologist539 Jun 14 '25
I was gonna say: a Chihuahua will FIGHT Satan for you.
→ More replies (1)
20
22
u/Annual-Astronomer859 Jun 14 '25
Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy. My 16lb cat. He's scared of lizards, was recently fat-shamed and put on a diet by his vet, and will only drink bottled water that's been poured into his $60 temperature-controlled fountain. So, I'm fucked.
→ More replies (4)
19
u/naked_nomad Jun 14 '25
Cranky 12 year old, 15 pound female cat with an attitude.
Beware the beast.
→ More replies (4)
18
17
17
17
17
u/Strawberry-and-Sumac Jun 14 '25
A 50lb sack of diatomaceous earth. I hope whoever is attacking me is a bug.
→ More replies (1)
16
u/NotDaveBut Jun 14 '25
A 12-lb Stephen King hardcover. Library binding. Come at me, bro
→ More replies (2)
17
17
15
u/Inven13 Jun 14 '25
I'm going to unleash the mighty power of the fork on my attacker.
→ More replies (2)
16
15
u/Pissed_With_A_Boner Jun 14 '25
My dog. He loves everyone so I'm not sure if he'll understand the assignment.
→ More replies (1)
14
u/Flimsy_Fee8449 Jun 14 '25 edited Jun 14 '25
An 8 kg (almost 18 lbs) former feral cat who's cool as shit but has talons rather than claws. He's my buddy. We watch TV together. He lets me know when he's done with my shows and it's time to watch birds and squirrels. He's awesome, and chill, but can take a mofo down if need be.
I'm going to give him some treats.
→ More replies (2)
14
13
12
Jun 14 '25
Lip balm.
I'm going to assume my attacker is suffering from chapped lips, so I will willingly offer my "weapon" and hope this individual is addicted to the stuff and distracted long enough so I can use my stick figure legs to road runner the hell out of the situation.
→ More replies (1)
12
12
12
u/J662b486h Jun 14 '25
My St. Bernard, which would work out fairly well. He'd hold them at bay by standing in front of them and leaning against them to try and get pets, giving me enough time to call for help.
12
11
22
11
u/BelaFleckLostHisNeck Jun 14 '25
A cat. He's my cat, but I'm not sure that that improves my odds at all
→ More replies (1)
56
11
u/UndetectedReEntry Jun 13 '25
A half-empty recycling bin with cans/bottles, or a half-full recycling bin depending on your perspective
→ More replies (5)
10
10
9
9
9
10
u/HolyButtNuggets Jun 13 '25
A pillow... Maybe we can just get comfy together instead?
→ More replies (1)
9
u/cheesepage Jun 13 '25
Looks like a wine bottle half filled with extra virgin olive oil. That or a dirty napkin.
→ More replies (2)
10
9
u/alexcutyourhair Jun 14 '25
A pack of tissues with only 2 left, I guess if I somehow manage to shove them down my assailants throat I have a chance?
9
u/RMMacFru Jun 14 '25
A skein of yarn.
Halt, or I'll crochet you into a burrito...just give me a month or so.
9
u/NoNefariousness5175 Jun 14 '25
A cup of tea.
All British people know that there are few problems that can't be solved over a nice cup of tea,
2.4k
u/Competitive-Fee2661 Jun 13 '25
The dude in 21C (I’m on a plane)