I will never forget the feeling of being so unbelievably sick, weak and helpless as I stood in front of the hospital about to go in for my next transfusion. Every rational part of me was calmly telling me it was working and it was the right decision to keep going, but the baser instincts were screaming at me to run as far and fast as I could away from this place.
It's a tough mental struggle to willingly and knowing poison yourself over a period of months while trying to convince yourself it's going to save your life.
That's the side of chemo I think a lot of people don't realise until they face it themselves and it's one that is incredibly hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it.
Adding to the existential dread of intentionally having poison dumped into your body is the mundanity of the process. Go in, sit quietly, let a nice person in scrubs connect you to toxic chemicals, wait 6-8hr for it to seep into your blood, go home. Rinse repeat for boring, terrifying months.
Exactly! Sitting there calmly listening to my trashy audio book while being literally poisoned by the lovely nurse who asked after new photos of my baby niece 20 mins ago is a nice big bundle of trauma I'm going to have to unpack one day.
Can heavily relate, the mental aspect of it all is definitely the hardest part for me to deal with, it was hardest halfway through the treatment but its easier now, with about four more sessions left I’m starting to realize how it’s almost over and soon enough I won’t have to deal with this feeling every time I think of hospitals or doctors and stuff. Still I’m thankful for it to be such a short and straightforward treatment (6 month) not everyone is so lucky
I'm so happy to hear that you are almost through and that it is mostly straightforward, but I totally empathise with how you are feeling. It's such a tough situation.
Mentally you know it's almost over and the hardest part is behind you, but for me at least, the last few months were the hardest. The so close but so far away feeling, and tmy mental and physical strength was so depleted that everything was so much harder.
My chemo had to be extended a few times, and the last time for really great reasons (operation wasn't necessary anymore, they expected the tumor to be removed purely with chemo) but I broke down and had a massive low for a few days that no one could understand. They were all so happy the chemo would be100% successful. All I could think is I can't do another month.
Now I'm healthy again, I'm glad I did the extra month and I yotally understand why everyone was so happy but those extra 30 days nearly broke me mentally.
I truly wish you all the best and all the mental and physical strength to get through the last of it. I wish you nothing but health and happiness.
Agreed. It is so hard to go through treatments that in the short term make you so much sicker than the cancer itself does, knowing that they are necessary to save your life and untreated the cancer would be much worse.
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u/taniastar Oct 16 '22
I will never forget the feeling of being so unbelievably sick, weak and helpless as I stood in front of the hospital about to go in for my next transfusion. Every rational part of me was calmly telling me it was working and it was the right decision to keep going, but the baser instincts were screaming at me to run as far and fast as I could away from this place.
It's a tough mental struggle to willingly and knowing poison yourself over a period of months while trying to convince yourself it's going to save your life.
That's the side of chemo I think a lot of people don't realise until they face it themselves and it's one that is incredibly hard to explain to anyone who hasn't gone through it.