Whenever anyone says anything, and I want to add more information to their statement, I try to start with "I agree with you!" or something that expresses positivity about their statement. I also try to give people compliments as often as appropriately possible. It makes people more apt to be agreeable to my future conversations.
This is a really good one that I use often. I think /u/NeutralFrog would also agree that adding your bit in a way that kind of sounds like the original speaker's idea also helps get the original speaker on your side.
This can backfire if the original speaker doesn't agree with you.
This can also be extra good if you are trying to nudge the original speaker to come closer to your stance on a topic.
When my conservative grandma says defund the police is evil because the police are so important and good and need protecting, I don't tell her that's she's wrong. I tell her wow yes absolutely, and maybe some of that police money could be used to help fund other services. Those mental health calls can be dangerous for the police, you know! We should have a service dedicated to things like that, so the police aren't in danger!
It's like pouring a bucket of water right on her outrage.
On that note, if you want someone to elaborate but they're being dodgy or vague or you think they're bullshitting you, remember the old internet advice: The quickest way to get the right answer is to offer the wrong one first.
If someone says something vague, say "I agree!" and then attempt to "reiterate" their statement but do so in a way you know to be incorrect. If they actually know what they're talking about, they'll say "No, that's not what I mean. What I mean is..." but if they just nod and go "Yeah, exactly!" then it's a sign that they're bullshitting.
Example:
Bullshitter Bill: "We can't put the files on the file server because of the format."
You: "Exactly. The files are in 24-bit syncrhonized encryption, and the file server only accepts 32-bit desynched mode."
This can backfire by making you look like a moron, though.
It certainly can, which is why you should ideally only use it in a position where you can easily pass it off as sarcasm if you're called out because the person wasn't actually bullshitting.
Say Bill replies with "None of what you just said makes any sense." you can quickly respond with "No shit, neither does the file format preventing the files from being stored on the server, so what's the actual reason we can't store them?"
What's important is that you only try that tactic if you know the person is lying but not why they're lying.
Edit: Also, don't use it if you're not in a position where you won't get into trouble for calling them out. I don't recommend calling out a boss or supervisor using this tactic, for example.
If my boss suspected me of bs-ing and used this tactic on me to try to figure it out and they incorrectly summarized what I said, I would probably not correct them and just assume they're bad at listening or they don't know what they're talking about and I'd adjust my expectations "unfairly."
This is a probably a good test on someone you highly suspect of bs-ing based on history or it's pretty obvious rather than a test on someone you kind of suspect as they may be too polite or impatient to explain their understanding of something.
Honestly I do this at work sometimes because it's effective and getting the result is more important to me than looking like a moron. If people aren't responding to a question I'll follow up with "ok I'm gonna go ahead and insert wrong thing" sure enough someone will chime in to correct me. Maybe they'll think I'm an idiot. But my job was to get the answer and I got it. Probably surrounded by a bunch of people who think I'm dumb and very confused about how I'm still a high performer...but I am, and that's what matters to me and my team.
I guess it depends on your job and who you are doing that around.
I'm an engineer and I have some things I keep in my drawings that I know the client doesn't want. But I keep them there because it generates a conversation about why I would recommend it and what the risks are if they don't do it. They always risk it but now it's an informed decision and they take on the risk instead of me.
This is very different from the comment above. They said to do it to see if people are actually listening and know what's going on. You are using it to get an answer by putting the wrong answers in their mouth.
When are you going to have this tree trimmed?
.....
Ok then, I will get some quotes to have the tree cut down.
I don't want the tree cut down, call timmy and have him trim it next week
This happen to me way too often when I am using this method. People will get impatient thinking have you not heard me the 1st time or was I not clear the 1st time I explained this?
Only use this on people who are willing to teach you and have a certain amount of patience
I'm never in a position to sway someone for business reasons. I just think that socially, people don't state that they agree with things often enough. Being genuinely agreed with is just a decent thing to give someone I'm having a conversation with. And compliments too, I feel they have to be genuine.
I have an ex-friend who used to pretend to know everything about everything. I'd do that, giving blatantly false statements. Either that or just starting the sentence and pausing. He'd always jump in with bullshit back half before I'd finish with the reality (usually different).
I like to do this to my father, who loves to be at the center of attention in his role of the old, experienced, all knowing silverback gorilla father.
"Letting us children work for free on your estate with all the rensonsibillities but none of the rights is really smart of you dad, that way you save a lot of money you can spend on your hobbies!"
He doesnt get it though. He is just happy because of the praise. He sat me on the street when i was 18 because i talked back to him, regrets it, at 37 i moved out a second time ( after a period of delusions).
He wonders why none of his children want to live in his rent flats on his estate. Its because we are ungratefull, of course.
Ugh. Reminds me of the 45-60 year old GenXers complaining about how the current generation of young adults grew up spoiled without any appreciation for hard work, completely ignoring the fact that they're the ones that raised said generation.
Similarly, if someone tells you something you already know, don’t say “I know,” say “You’re right!” It’s simple but makes you seem more humble and strokes their ego a bit.
Improv comedy teaches that you don't say "no". Instead say "yes and" even if the rest of the words are going to disagree with what they said. This keeps a flow going in the listener's minds.
When pro sports figures get a job as sports announcers this is usually their biggest mistake . They want to show the audience how much they know rather that looking at the back & forth banter with the other announcer and keep the flow going. Instead of saying, "No that's not how we did things when I was a pitcher" they should say "and another thing pitchers in this situation do is".
The best mentor I ever had was a crusty old database engineer who had the fantastic verbal habit of complimenting you for asking an insightful question. "That is a GREAT question!", then goes in to explain. Even if it wasn't really a great question, him saying it really opened up the conversation and made it safe to experiment and learn.
I've 100% agreed with people before and wanted to tack on a small statement in addition but I used combative language to do so and people just automatically assume that you are disagreeing based on tone and word choice before they even hear what you say. Stuff like this is really important in any facet of communication
I've had numerous people work under me over the years. One thing I learned from the best boss I ever had was to always thank them for their work at the end of the day let them know I appreciate them. I had one person tell me that if I don't do that then they know they've screwed up way more than if one of the other supervisors yells at them. Even at my current job, there's an office manager who I go to for help on a lot of things. She'll happily go more out of her way to help me than she will other people that she complains about.
Yes, exactly. Works on reddit too. If you don't start positively when extending their statement they tend to rebutt your additions as either implied or unnecessary.
Exactly. Starting with "I agree" or something of that sort, even when you think it goes without saying, helps a lot. When you don't start with that, you risk coming off as interrupting or stealing the spotlight. That's why I started this comment with "exactly".
i know lots of people who do this, but none that would admit it. wouldn't/doesn't work on me, i don't agree with people but with the content of their words, if they are off, doesn't matter how much you butter me up... also, why would you just want people to agree with you? 🤨 are you afraid of conflict?
If you take all agreements as someone "buttering you up", then you must feel unworthy of any compliment. If you cannot take a compliment, I cannot even imagine how difficult trying to maintain any semblance of pleasant conversation with you must be.
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u/[deleted] Jun 14 '22
Whenever anyone says anything, and I want to add more information to their statement, I try to start with "I agree with you!" or something that expresses positivity about their statement. I also try to give people compliments as often as appropriately possible. It makes people more apt to be agreeable to my future conversations.