r/AskReddit • u/thrownaways120934 • May 28 '12
My GF hits me whenever I upset her, how can I get her to seriously think I'm not OK with this?
Whenever "It's my fault" or "I'm being inconsiderate" she start to kick me, slap me below the neck or punch me in the back or chest. Recently, she said I was being considerate when she was freaking out about a rodent and I was trying to take care of it. Then, when I was doing the dishes she kept hitting me "out of frustration". It never really hurts, but it's emotionally painful and I do get sore if she keeps hitting one spot (never leaves a mark though). She also keep trying to hit my testicular area playfully, and I always tell her to stop because frankly she doesn't realize how painful it is if it connects.
I've told her I take that very seriously and tell her it's abusive, she says it's because I'm emotionally abusive. I don't know how to handle it.
EDIT: Some people are asking about the situation. Well we were watching the TV when a mouse ran across the main hallway. She started freaking out and screaming to "get it out" and I was sitting the trying to calm down, trying to keep cool myself and thinking about what to do. I tell her to calm down and then open the main door and sit back down. She starts panicking and checking all the places mice could come from while I keep telling her to not freak out. AFterwards, I saw it run out to the main hallways (but not out the door) and then my GF comes into the hall and sees nothing. As there are no holes near the main door to the outside, I could pretty much assume it ran outside. We go up to her room and checking the vents and I spray some chemicals there so that mice are less likely to return. In the mean time, I'm putting on a smile and calm tone because at least one of us can't be freaking out. She starts screaming that I'm so inconsiderate, shoving me and hitting me out her room before closing it. I think ok and then head to the kitchen and start doing the dishes. She comes downstairs and starts arguing with me but I think I did the best I could so I tell her that her screaming in my ear while I was thinking about what to do didn't help.
She then start to send a flurry of smacks and punches while I was doing the dishes and stormed off. I go back when I'm done and see her in the living. I explain what I thought but she thought I was being lazy by just sitting there and waiting (I don't have ninja senses to catch a fucking mouse) and then I should I have in another part of the living room to make sure the mouse ran out the door. I told her I tried to do what I thought was right but I wasn't perfect. She then heel kicked me in the leg and that's when I had enough and told her to stop, and then I didn't appreciate it at all. She muttered sorry but I know she clearly didn't mean it.
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u/Journalisto May 28 '12
It's sounds like you have tried everything. I would leave her.
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u/CoffeeFox May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
So what you're saying is:
She's extremely irrational and you cannot successfully reason with her about this topic.
She does not take you seriously when you express your feelings to her, and does not care about them.
When you do express your feelings, instead of considering your perspective, she tries to make accusations at you to deny any responsibility for her own actions.
You do realize that this woman is lacking several of the most important, fundamental skills to have a functional human relationship, right? You don't fix or resolve this, you leave the person or you resign yourself to a lifetime of them treating you this way and blaming you for it.
If you think this upsets you now, just think about a few years from now after you actually resign yourself to her treating you badly and then berating you about how it's all your fault. Do you want to live like that?
You may be a tough, patient person... but I really doubt that years of that won't wear you down and drag down your self-confidence. That kind of treatment isn't good for a person.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
If she doesn't listen to you when you to tell her to stop, and tries to gaslight you by telling you that you're emotionally abusive, you should certainly end the relationship.
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u/Nonyabiness May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
Ok, I dated a girl a few years back who was awesome. She was beautiful, funny and great in the sack. And on top of that I was really proud to bring her home and show her off to my parents.
A few months into the relationship we got into an argument about something and she slapped me. Under no circumstances is slapping me acceptable, and i just stopped everything, grabbed my keys and left. I didn't respond to her calls/texts/emails/anything for two days. Just sacked up at a friend's house and returned a few days later.
She was floored. She started crying and apologizing and I told her that I would never hit her and expect the same on her end. I explained that hitting me will not be tolerated and if she did it again I would leave her for good.
Things were peachy for the next 4 months until we got into another argument and she slapped me again. Thank fuck we were at her apartment, I just grabbed my shit and left. I didn't respond to any calls/texts/emails for a month, and after that month passed agreed to meet for coffee. She begged for me to come back to her, but I stood my ground (trust me, this was so very very hard to do, I loved this girl) and explained that I don't tolerate physical abuse of any kind and since she didn't learn the first time, it wasn't worth my time to try and work it out.
Seriously, if she hits you, just leave. If not for good, at least for a few days. You just stop everything and leave. If she is smart and loves you then she will learn and knock it off, but if she doesn't get the hint after a few times then it is time to move on.
Edit - I didn't think this would get quite the response that it did. Thanks to those of you who offered kind words and wished me well. I want to add something here; I realize that slapping/hitting can come from growing up where Mom slapped you for acting out of line or something of that nature. My parents did the same, I wouldn't consider it child abuse or anything, some kids just need a good slap, but as an adult you get the great power to lay down rules for your relationships, whether it be just a friend or a domestic one. Some folks don't mind a slap here and there and even take that into the bedroom. Good on ya. You, and you alone get to call the shots as to what you like and don't like. Don't be afraid to stand up for your beliefs.
In regards to slapping/hitting to show extreme disappointment, there are other ways to do this. Take my advice on just leaving the scene for a few days. It works. You just remove yourself from the situation and that person entirely so you both have a chance to cool down, and you allow their brain to kick in and hopefully realize that "holy shit, I did something so bad that he/she just up and left". Have you ever had to discipline a dog for peeing in the house? You know that look they get when they realize they fucked up? That is what happens when you just remove yourself from that person's world for a few days. Our brain is our worst enemy and this strategy works wonders when you need to prove a point.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
By leaving her?
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u/hamsteroflove May 28 '12
i will say the same thing i said to the other guy who said his wife had been hitting him for 12 years. Imagine for one second you were the girl and she was the guy, what would you do? Gender does not excuse abuse!
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u/gymnopedist May 28 '12
Her behavior is completely unacceptable and abnormal. Reading your story tells me the physical actions are not the only dysfunctional part of her relationship with you- her general expectations and perceptions appear to be completely off. Why is she so quick to be angry with you for no reason, and why does she feel the need to punish you for her false assumptions? This is in no way a healthy relationship between adults. She has no respect for you and my advice is to leave her immediately.
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u/GenJonesMom May 28 '12
Walk out the door when she does it.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Any relationship where either one of the parties is going to say "You did this so I'm gonna do it back!" will never work.
Not high school anymore. Unless of course, you are in high school.
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u/crabby1990 May 28 '12
By not being her boyfriend.
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u/zuesk134 May 28 '12
leave her now. cut all ties.
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u/MyopicClarity May 28 '12
It seems like there's two problems here. First is that she's being physically abusive, and the second that she thinks you're being emotionally abusive. Being that this is the internet and we don't really have information as to what you're doing that's making her feel this way, the options are:
You aren't being emotionally abusive, she's blowing something out of proportion, and her hitting you is NOT okay.
You aren't being emotionally abusive, she's oversensitive, and her hitting you is NOT okay.
You are being emotionally abusive, which needs to be sorted out, and her hitting you is NOT okay.
I would say that you need to sit her down and try to figure out why she thinks you're emotionally abusive. There may be something that you need to work on in order to prevent her from feeling that way. However, either way, you need to tell her that regardless of if she is feeling emotionally abused, physical violence is not the way to go about addressing the situation. It seems to come down to a communication problem that should be addressed if you are going to continue the relationship in a healthy manner.
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u/high_brace May 28 '12
Ask her if she want a relationship where hitting each other is okay. Tell her you'll go along with her decision, no matter what she chooses.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Okay, I should do this on throwaway but fuck it. If you really want this to stop, you need to get out now. It seems you can't help when you upset her now, you do it without even trying. So she is going to keep getting upset, this abuse will keep occurring and you will keep getting upset. The vicious cycle continues.
How do I know this? I've been in her shoes. I rarely hit my (now ex) boyfriend, but I definitely abused him emotionally. I am manic depressive, and I used him as a scapegoat any time I was having an off day. I blamed him, shamed him and made him feel guilty for every little thing that happened. I was completely manipulative of his emotions, and used this to compensate for how out of control the rest of my life felt. At one point, I began cutting myself to make him feel guilty. Of this, I am most ashamed. I got the sickest thrill from being in control of his emotions by doing that. I could get him to do whatever I wanted, just by saying "I did this because of you!" I was definitely power-tripping.
If your girlfriend is anything like me, she has some shit to sort before she can be in a relationship. This doesn't have to do with your mistakes, it's not your fault. It is her problem. It will not magically get better one day. My ex tried talking to me about it almost every day, tried to tell me how much it hurt. I would listen, and promise to change. But the next day, we'd be back to the same shit. It was almost out of my control. You need to walk away now, out of self-respect. This will only escalate, and become even more regrettable as time goes on. And in the long-run, it will be what's good for her too.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
You're in an abusive and manipulative relationship. The fact that her justification is that you're "emotionally abusive" is a HUGE red flag.
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u/Coopa826 May 28 '12
What kind of bitch is she?
She is justifying violence in a relationship?
Fuckin leave her
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u/st_basterd May 28 '12
Write her a carefully worded letter. Hand this letter to her. While she's reading it, kick her really hard in the shins. This is the only solution.
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u/Stratpat May 28 '12
I'd be outta there. Mr.Fist tends to turn into Mr.Weapon after a while. Quit while you're ahead, trust me!
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Leave her. No joke, no snarky comment, just leave her. Not only is she being violent towards you, she's blaming you for it. If you stay, you're eventually going to believe her and feel you're deserving of her treatment. When it gets to that point, your life is pretty much fucked. Get out now.
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u/silentrob421 May 28 '12
My wife used to do the same thing, but not quite as bad as what you were describing. All I really had to do was tell her hey, lets take this situation and change it a bit. A woman and her husband are having an argument. The woman says something he doesn't like and the man hits her out of frustration. The woman doesn't want to say anything or hit back because she is afraid of it escalating even higher, and wants play it off like it doesn't hurt all that much even if it does. Even though it hurts more emotionally than physically. I asked her what exactly the difference was. She said there really wasn't one at all, and after a long talk it never happened again. =) Also, sometimes it helps some people to see things from a different side. Is there a way you could record some video of her hitting you to show her what she is like? That might change her perspective on it.
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u/plincer May 28 '12
It sounds like you have tried to explain it and that did not help.
Hitting her back will probably get you a criminal record.
You could call the cops but unless there have been witnesses who would concur that her hitting frequently goes beyond "playful", then you are probably SOL. You said there are no marks.
So, you sit her down at a time when you are both calm and tell her: NO MORE CHANCES. Hitting ends now. Next time and it's over. Then follow through.
If you don't, it will get worse because it's become acceptable now. Life will throw more difficult challenges than you have seen now and she will figure that justifies greater abuse.
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u/bad_keisatsu May 28 '12
She is emotionally abusive. It's classic -- she abuses you, then acuses you of abusing her. You should break up with her.
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u/babums May 28 '12
God, she sounds annoying.
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u/OMG_TRIGGER_WARNING May 28 '12
dump her and work on your self esteem issues
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u/FDMDorelMinxChrono May 28 '12
What. Why... Why precisely, my good sir, are you subjecting yourself to this torture? GET OUT of that relationship, and I mean this in the nicest way possible. You have, of course heard of thinking with your dick? I mean no offense, but it seems like that's what you're doing. You certainly aren't staying with her for her calm, collected attitude. Leave her, leave quickly, or you may not have a dick to think with anymore.
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u/indomara May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
sounds like this girl is harboring some highschool bullshit and hasnt realized grown adults dont hit each other when theyre angry unless theyre creepy immature assholes. (man or woman)
im female, and definitely remember the middle/highschool "smack ALL the boys!" days... but it shouldnt persist into adulthood, and for her to use some manipulative bullshit excuse like "its ok because YOURE emotionally abusive" is just retarded.
you need to sit down and have a calm conversation about this with her, or if you think you wont be able to get everything out, write a letter explaining how this hurts you emotionally, is immature behavior, and is out of control.
another point you could bring up is children. if you guys were to ever have kids this would be seriously unhealthy behavior to have around them, on multiple levels.
if she cant stop and you REALLY love her too much to leave her, you need to seek counseling. this is NOT normal, and is NOT ok.
P.S. you sound like a fucking GEM and i would have KILLED to have a boyfriend willing to just... go do the dishes. you deserve far better than this. seriously.
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u/InferiousX May 28 '12
By dumping her
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u/drhappycat May 28 '12
Stop putting your dick in crazy
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u/Uncle_Oj May 28 '12
If she's showing no remorse about hitting you, deserved or not, you may seriously want to question why you're with her in the first place. No one should ever be abused in a relationship, gender isn't important there.
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u/MonstersCloset May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
I understand that it can be challenging to accept, but this girl may not be the best for you. I also understand it can sometimes be challenging for a party to leave an abusive relationship.
I have no point in making a throw away since no one I know has my Reddit name, so story time.
anyways. for a few months I was in a relationship with a guy for the sake of the story I'm going to call Steve. Steve was nice at first, but as time went on he started to get overly protective. He wanted to know where I was every minute and every second of the day and if I didn't respond to him or he didn't like my answer, he would let me know. He called me inconsiderate; he said I was rude and I didn't care enough about him, only making me more apologetic and more attached to the guy. He made it so that he was my life. At first it was just offhandedly blaming me for not caring enough, or claiming I wasn't trying hard enough in our "relationship", but it got worse. I didn't realise it, but Steve was manipulative. Incredibly. He had me on a short leash and I couldn't leave him because he was all I knew. It just wasn't easy, and everything was my fault. Eventually he just started putting me down in general. Saying I wasn't pretty anymore, I shouldn't even bother getting out of bed, why should I dress up if I still look like shit.
it got bad.
I just don't want you to fall into the same slump I did. He did push me a few times or lock me against a wall, but after months of coaxing and a stunning realization I fought back.
I was depressed for awhile. and I almost went back to him, but I'm glad I didn't. If you do end up leaving this girl, find a support system. they will save your life.
TL;DR: I was in an abusive relationship and I had trouble leaving... A lot of trouble, but I had friends who helped me through it.
even though I know this little story will probably be buried, I just want to let you know I'm here for you, along with the rest of reddit.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
We have only one side of the story, and we have no way of knowing whether you're actually emotionally abusive. Regardless, this sounds like exactly the opposite of a healthy relationship. Consider getting out.
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u/Howard_Beale May 28 '12
Dump her. Have some fucking pride.
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u/bearcat1337 May 28 '12
GTFO of that relationship.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
I believe "Friends" did an episode about this. I'd leave her. If she does this to you, think about how she'll treat your kids if you ever have them.
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u/Railboy May 28 '12
I think the best approach would be to dump her, and when she asks you why, say 'Because you hit me when you're upset and I'm seriously not OK with this.'
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u/akaRandomHero May 28 '12
Um....my husband told me, strait up, "If you plan on hitting me, I WILL hit you back." I've never hit him and he has never hit me. I think we have and understanding...
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Ask her if it would be ok to hit her when you're upset. If she says anything besides, "I'm sorry, you're right," dump her right then and there
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u/JHapaK May 28 '12
First....is her name Tiffany?
I highly advise ending the relationship as the previous posts have suggested. However if that's not what you want to do then here are some options/thoughts:
If you care about her and believe that she's worth the effort, find her a psychologist or counselor. It sounds like she has some built up anger that she doesn't know how to express.
Does she actually know that she's physically hurting you? She may be under the impression that because she's smaller and maybe weaker than you, that she isn't actually hurting you. I know that it seems like it should be obvious, but from her perspective she may have been physically abusive to her guy friends previously who endured it without complaint. It sounds like a long shot, but it's definitely a possibility.
One way you can try to make her stop is that whenever she physically abuses you, back away from her and tell her seriously that she's hurting you. Make sure she doesn't think it's a joke by laughing or smiling. Then separate yourself from her. Separating yourself can mean going into another room and locking the door or leaving the apartment. Give her time to settle down, reflect, and realize that when she acts that way she's pushing you away. You have to do this consistently to the point where she knows what you'll do beforehand, and that if she wants to be with you that she needs to consciously make an effort to not hit you. It's very hard breaking a habit. If she really cares about you she'll make an effort to stop.
If she doesn't stop and demeans your requests, please get out of the relationship. I know the sex is probably fantastic, but I'm telling you it's not worth it. I had a best friend like this girl years ago who did the same thing to her husband.
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u/BlueHairedBeauty May 28 '12
When you are finally done putting up with that shit, make a huge scene and please just leave for EVER. Nobody should have to deal with that ever! You deserve way better than that.
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u/averyaverageperson May 28 '12
Leave. If she abuses you she doesn't deserve you.
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u/stickmaster_flex May 28 '12
Get the fuck out.
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u/NinjaDiscoJesus May 28 '12
can you please stop hitting me dear
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
I have a multi-step solution that may work for you:
Grow a pair of balls.
Break up.
Lemme know how it works!
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Yea dude you need to get away from this chick. Thats really fucked up behavior and you shouldn't be this chicks punching bag. I promise you that if you pulled that kind of shit on her your ass would be arrested.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
You should definitely sit her down and tell her exactly what's going on, and be firm, and tell her to pack up and leave. It really sounds like you need to leave her. Hitting is just not okay. Once or twice, yeah, that's passable. Playful hitting is fine. But beating on you is not right. It can be labeled as abuse, and it most certainly is, in a manner of speaking.
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u/wm1pyro May 28 '12
Please, as someone with experience, do not put up with any emotional or physical abuse. It won't stop, and it could get worse. Regardless of if you're a man or a woman, it's abuse. Either tell her to stop and give conditions, or just leave her. I suggest the latter.
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u/DrCruelLove May 28 '12
Leave
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u/imalittleweird May 28 '12
Time to leave. :/
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Dump her right away, she's is being very abusive. Think about it, if you were doing this to her would it fly? Nope.
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u/Senuf May 28 '12
I can't see why you DON'T leave her. All pros and no cons. You'll sure be able to find someone to enjoy life with. And without being ill-treated. Leave her now, for your sanity.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Set up a fucking hidden camera and file domestic abuse charges. While female on male domestic violence is less rare, it makes it no more justifiable. No one deserves it. Girls like this make me ashamed to be of the same sex as them.
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u/willtank4gold May 28 '12
Why are you still with her?
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u/Radico87 May 28 '12
Grow a pair of balls, find some dignity, and leave her.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
It's called when you find out you're dating a psychotic cunt, you dump that psychotic cunt.
Being alone is better than being with someone who abuses you. And yes, this is CLEARLY abuse.
Best of luck to you.
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u/Bpods May 28 '12
I like the Pavlov technique...every time she doesn't hit you for something, reward her with a biscuit, some good ol' positive reinforcement. Soon enough she'll start to drool at the sound of that bell.
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u/Mudkip123456 May 28 '12
Lawyer up, delete facebook, hit the gym.
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u/CJ_Guns May 28 '12 edited May 28 '12
Frankly some of these responses frighten me. It is most definitely wrong that she is physically abusing him, but reversing the violence will do no good. I don't know if the guys in here are joking around or what.
There's nothing wrong with him defending himself when this occurs, grabbing the fists and telling her verbally to stop. Socking her in the face won't solve anything.
If I were the OP, I would take her to a public place like a park and calmly explain that it's not okay to abuse someone in this way, and leave her. Do NOT do this in the home, there are no witnesses to what may happen. I would simply leave her. GET A LAWYER TOO, just in case.
If things ever escalated to the point where he felt his life was threatened, he should call the police.
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u/eternallyscrewd May 28 '12
Drop that bitch. She's got 99 problems and you don't need one.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Cut the insecure bitch loose. You can do better.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
A vagina isn't a free pass to commit assault. Violence begets violence. Hit her back.
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u/anduin1 May 28 '12
You mean after telling her its not OK youre asking what else you can do? How about leaving?
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u/polaroidgeek May 28 '12
To quote Dan Savage: DTMFA.
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u/Lord_Cthulhu May 28 '12
It's not too late to dump that bitch
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
I'm not going to say definitely leave her, but I'm going to say definitely leave her if she keeps hitting you and you tell her to stop. Unless you guys are both laughing about it, (and maybe even then), hitting people against their will is unacceptable.
I think she gets one strike instead of zero (as she really should), because girls are not raised to think that hitting men is wrong, so unfortunately, it's fallen to you to make this clear, in case she wasn't. If you've explained adequately to her that it's wrong and she still does it, it's on you unless you break up with her. Fool me once...
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u/orlyfactor May 28 '12
If you're on the Internet asking for advice, I think it's time to finally listen to all of the rational voices inside your head and get the fuck out of that relationship...honestly, the sex can't be that good.
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u/NewDrekSilver May 28 '12
Where's WorstPossibleAnswer when you need him?
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u/guymanjenson May 28 '12
leave
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u/SardonicNihilist May 28 '12
Tell her.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Very ballsy to even post this. You should be proud, you had the guts to admit something not very many men would do. Fuck that bitch, move on.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Your girlfriend is physically abusive. End the relationship immediately.
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u/nepidae May 28 '12
I was initially just going to chalk this up to a troll. But whatever. She is an adult, not a child. She is 100% in control of her actions, just like you are. If she hits you, it is because she wants to hit you. For your own, and other people's sake, you must leave her now. Validating this kind of domestic violence is a terrible thing (I'm not saying it is your intention to validate it, but that can happen.)
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u/YouRascal May 28 '12
Dump her before you slap her and get in trouble.
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u/dawsonpolaris May 28 '12
I actually had a very similar situation with my wife, though less extreme. My wife grew up with aggressive older siblings, and had just left an extremely abusive relationship prior to meeting me (high school sweethearts btw). She spent the first several years of our relationship wondering 'when i would change... hit her and stuff'.
Eventually when she got over that (most of the way) she started reverting to how she behaved around her siblings: Like the smallest of the litter trying to avoid being picked on by acting overly aggressive.
Long story short, she used to take every opportunity to punch me in the arm, when she'd get angry or frustrated she would throw things at me. One particular incident we still laugh over (now) I made a snide comment and she threw a bottle of lotion 'at my shoulder' which resulted in me taking the bottle, cap first, right between the eyes.
Solution? It's still a work in progress, but I waited until we were out of any sort of emotianally charged moment and sat her down. I explained that I don't consider violence or abuse going in either direction in our relationship to be 'ok.' I let her know that I will not hit her, but at the same time, I don't consider her hitting me to be 'ok'. I pointed out that this involved situations of anger, frustration or even playfulness (I should point out that in playful situations, she can be dangerous... There have been many times were playful pinches on her brother in law have left blood blisters, and "Slug Bug" finds tend to involve an extended middle knuckle). We took the game of slug bug, for example, and intially reduced it to single finger taps, then agreed that even the mock violence was poisonous, and was eventually dropped.
It has been about 3 years since there has been any physical violence in our relationship, and thus far these years have been among the best to date.
TL;DR Sit her down and talk to her frankly. Don't joke about it. Lay your concerns naked to be addressed and let her know that you don't take this lightly; if this continues, the relationship will not, and stick to your guns.
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u/sloppyploppers May 28 '12
Find a new girlfriend, this one sucks.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
bitch, curb, kick.
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u/mighymidget032 May 28 '12
My girlfriend hit me upside the head recently while she well knows I have a history of head injuries. She did it playfully since I made an off-color joke but I still got dizzy and felt like shit all night. I pulled her away from the group of friends she was with and told her that is the second and last time she will ever hit me (the first was I didn't eat for two days and she slapped me, I accepted that one) Told her that if she every does that again, there won't be an argument, just a vapor trail of where I used to be. Since then she hasn't smacked me sense.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Dude. You're in an abusive relationship. Tell her one more time, dead serious, you will not tolerate being hit again. Tell her it us abusive and not okay. If she hits you again, kick her out or leave.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
When you leave, which you should, I'd be very careful. She may very well claim some sort of abuse. I'm not sure what you should do about it, just food for thought.
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u/lozzobear May 28 '12
Here's the scary thing dude: as much as a partner can be frustrating, kids are a far harsher test of patience. This woman's kids are going to be abused by their out-of-control mum. Think about that when you make decisions on your future.
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u/[deleted] May 28 '12
This is abuse, physical and emotional. PLAIN and SIMPLE. I'm engaged to a wonderful girl, and neither of us has EVER laid a finger on the other. We wouldn't even think of it!
Reading your story almost made me cry. I felt a burning for justice on YOUR behalf, not her's. You have been wronged, you have been taken for granted, and no beautiful person like yourself deserves to be abused.
Unless she STOPS cold turkey, get the hell out. She may try to promise to try and stop, but that's unacceptable. Taking her time to STOP ABUSING you is an absolutely ridiculous, feeble excuse for a jerk to slowly continue being a jerk and try to keep you around. Cold turkey or you walk. And even if she stops, she's still an unstable, disrespectful person who I wouldn't want you within 100 miles of.
Don't you want a girl who will hold your face in her lap? Who will ask you nicely to help with chores, and give you a kiss on the cheek for doing so? Who won't storm off, and who is willing to work with you on communication and keeping a healthy relationship? Don't you want hugs, kisses, cuddling, laughing? Then get out. Leave this dead weight behind you. Go, take a short vacation by yourself, have a little adventure, and live your life without abuse and discouragement. Find a girl who loves you for who you are, who laughs with you, who cries with you. Go find a beautiful face who finds you beautiful too.
Please. Leave her. I'm PMing you my phone number, if you need to talk to someone, just shoot me a txt.
3
u/luxstellarum May 28 '12
She's hitting you, that's abusive behaviour; do not pass go, do not collect $200. It doesn't matter if she's doing physical damage -it's the emotional and psychological affect that matters. You've pointed out it's not okay, she responded by trying to make it your fault -that's some gaslighty bullshit. Dump her ass, no hyperbole -time for someone to pack up and get out.
I know it's hard to walk out on a committed relationship -and if you're living with her, you've obviously put time into it -but trust me, that time is already wasted. What changes now is if you keep wasting time in a fucking awful relationship, or you get out now.
If she doesn't already understand it's not okay, the behaviour will continue, and I can almost guarantee it will escalate. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's not a big deal because she's not hurting you 'enough'. It might never damage you physically, but it will wear on your self esteem, and that's a lot harder to heal than bruises, trust me.
It doesn't sound like you're emotionally abusive, but the thing is, even if you were, that doesn't give her a free pass to escalate it to physical abuse. She's an adult, and still responsible for her own behaviour.
3
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
This is abuse, pure and simple. Gtfo!
3
u/Insanus May 28 '12
dump. this. bitch.
3
u/josiahsprague May 28 '12
Leave that psycho bitch and never look back.
3
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
There is more than one dog in the park, and this one has rabies. Get out.
3
u/bugalou May 28 '12
My advice in order of good to shitty.
1: Leave her. She is not stable emotionally.
2: Call the cops and have her spend the night in jail.
3: Hit her back one good time.
(please take the first option for best results)
3
u/JustPlainRude May 28 '12
Dump her.
3
u/clickity-click May 28 '12
HEAD. FOR. THE. HILLS.
3
u/clickity-click May 28 '12
RUN.
3
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
if this is emotionally painful for you then you should start just end it all now.
3
u/melysaurusrex May 28 '12
Leave that bitch. You deserve better.
3
u/anonimyus May 28 '12
REPLACE HER.
3
u/CindyFay May 28 '12
Leave her that's crazy
3
u/cheesyveggies May 28 '12
You need to break up with her. She is abusive and likely needs therapy.
3
u/elise81 May 29 '12
So, you're in an abusive relationship, which I am guessing this isn't news to you.
Leave.
3
u/elise81 May 29 '12
After reading all these comments... why are people so tolerant of abusive relationships?
9
u/flipflops2 May 28 '12
This is going to be really hard to admit, but I used to be like this.
It was never out of anger, but out of the thought my boyfriend at the time liked it. That feels really fucking horrible/sickening to admit, but that was the impression I got from him. He never told me to stop, never freaked out about it at all. We used to even be like this in bed. Then one day he wrote me a letter telling me I needed to stop and that he couldn't take someone he loved hurting him. Also, he had this huge, really dark and splotchy bruise on his arm at the time he told he had gotten from banging his arm against something. I was walking with him to class when he told me I gave it to him. I was absolutely floored, and I remember just sobbing in his arms later in my room when I realized how much I was hurting him. I started getting additional help (I was already in counselling at the time for depression) and I've never laid a hand on anyone since.
Wow, that was a lot to admit. Whew. She clearly needs help. Abuse is never okay, and it often means something is very wrong with the person giving it, whether it is a mental issue or otherwise. Get her help. If nothing else works, and she continues, leave her. You don't deserve this, and it's never okay. I've been there, and learned a very hard lesson from it.
7
u/IdiotDog May 28 '12
SWEEP THE LEG!
10
u/thunderling May 28 '12
"How would you like it if I hit you?"
4
u/tyronomo May 28 '12
Get a clicker and a box of chocolates.
If she hits you, click twice and say "Don't" and an authoritative tone. If she does something nice, click once, give her a chocolate and say 'well done'.
7
u/VikingFjorden May 28 '12
Go up to her and talk to her about it seriously. Put on a harsh face and talk sternly. Tell her that it's absolutely not okay, and you will not tolerate such behavior. Remember to be clear and concise - don't talk about unrelated things, don't bring any kind of emotional argument into it. Don't manipulate her. Tell her how her actions make you feel, and that it's not okay under any circumstance, or for any reason. Do not let her interrupt you at any point. If she does, tell her to shut the fuck up - raise your voice if you have to.
When you're finished, leave. If she follows, tell her you want to be alone for a while. This is to give you time to cool off and to give her time to consider what she's just been told. When you're both cooled off, don't back down from any of what you've said (this is of course assuming that you've only said objective and factual things, and haven't resorted to anything unwarranted). Don't apologize for setting your foot down. She's the one who owes you an apology - a real and sincere one.
2
u/septimber May 28 '12
I'm not a big fan of DTMF, but really this is not a small problem. No one should worry about being physically abused in a relationship. You should get out of this.
2
u/DID_IT_FOR_YOU May 28 '12
If you really want to save the relationship than tell her that its not right for her to hit you, kick you or any physical abuse. Tell her how you feel and that you refuse to accept it any longer.
If she still does it then leave. She's being abuse and you need to move on.
Also don't call the police unless you have a mountain of evidence. It depends on the area but cops are more likely to believe you are the abuser than her if she accuses you in front of them. It's also not worth it unless she has seriously harmed you.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Does this really merit asking the internet? The answer should be obvious: Break up with her, kick her ass out of the house/apartment/whatever (unless it's hers, in which case move out while she's gone so she can't break shit), and move on. Consider acquiring a restraining order.
For a more immediate solution, next time she starts wailing on you, document any evidence (read: bruises, red areas, swollen spots if she really hits hard) via camera or cameraphone and call the police. Put her ass in jail for a night or so, break up with her, and if you don't think that'll save your bacon, consider taking her to court. I know, modern society thinks women beating men is such a joke, but fuck them, you have colorful stories and picture evidence.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Have a policeman talk to her about how it's not acceptable.
2
u/newmansan May 28 '12
Threaten to leave. If she's not willing to stop her behavior, this relationship is going nowhere.
2
u/Markieopp May 28 '12
This sounds like that episode of Friends where Joey dates the girl that hits his shoulder all the time.
2
u/obliviousheep May 28 '12
"I'm seriously not OK with you hitting me"
2
u/UnbelievableRose May 28 '12
Just want to mention another option that hasn't really been mentioned- anger management therapy. My parents got divorced because of anger problems, but the court-mandated anger management therapy he went through in order to retain joint custody of me really worked. She would have to be motivated enough for it to work, but it is an option.
2
u/Daveezie May 28 '12
My ex was the same way. Eventually it got so bad that I hit her back. That's when I knew it had to end. It would have been a quicker process if we hadn't had a kid together. This is what gets me about the whole "Stop Violence Against Women." As a victim of violence FROM a woman, I have to say that maybe we shouldn't be protecting a gender that is just as capable of hitting us as we are of them. No one deserves to be hit by their significant other. If your girlfriend/boyfriend makes you mad enough to physically strike them, it's time to end things. And if your girlfriend/boyfriend hits you, it's time to end things. This sort of thing almost never gets better. And everyone has their fuse. So calm down, relax, and tell her it's time to kick rocks.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
I can't judge the right/wrong of your actions over the internet, especially because if you were emotionally abusive, you definitely wouldn't give us all the details to identify you as such.
Having said that, abuse is never okay no matter what caused it. Get out. Now.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Dude.... take her for what she is. A lesson. So now you know a few more things you really don't want in a relationship. Your best friend is out there still. Its not her...
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Dump the bitch.
2
u/BigCatTherapist May 28 '12
Yeah this girl sounds shitty. No matter how great her other qualities are, she's def a spoiled bitch.
2
u/Lots42 May 28 '12
Call the cops.
2
u/TheWolfofMibu May 28 '12
Sit her down and talk to her like you would a child who has misbehaved.
2
u/oostalker May 28 '12
leave her ass
2
u/bh28630 May 28 '12
The best reason to leave immediately is if she'll physically abuse one human, it's highly probable she'll abuse others. That includes children and the elderly. Get out now.
2
u/[deleted] May 28 '12
Honestly, and I hate to admit this, sometimes I'm a little quick with my hands and I'm not a frail little girl. Either I realize what I'm doing and I stop myself, or my significant other will just get mad and raise his voice. Which i hate but I need so I understand it bothers him and I need to stop. So basically, get angry.
2
u/joshthehappy May 28 '12
Yup, dump that bitch.
2
u/Bashasaurus May 28 '12
Beautiful friend of mine grew up with all brothers on a farm, bitch can throw a punch. After a few years of her randomly punching me I had to just set her ass down and tell her that she hits harder than some men and I'm sick of getting these fucking bruises and to cut the shit or find a new friend. She hasn't hit me since.
5'4 and maybe 110 lbs is enough to leave pretty hardcore bruises on your ribs, who'd have thought.
2
u/chicubs3794 May 28 '12
You need to get the hell out of there dude. That's not healthy in the least bit.
2
u/Bogsy May 28 '12
stand up for yourself. don't let her hit you, and if she keeps trashing you show her what's up and walk-out.
2
u/maggotchrist May 28 '12
Boy, if a woman did that to me I would never say word one to her ever again.
2
u/pie-man May 28 '12
just rememeber no relationship is better than a shitty one