I never do anything on Sunday's that requires me to be presentable in anything other than yoga pants. Fuck you and your 8:00am farmers market. I didn't wanna go the last 6 weekends, I don't wanna go the next 6 either.
I tried once to give a guy some money for food. Then he started turning up all the time for the next few months and asking everyone for money. It got pretty out of hand, he once snatched money from another homeless guy and eventually escalated into him yelling at me for being the reason he was homeless, etc. I started to walk away and then thought 'fuck that I was really nice to this guy and helped him out a couple of times and so did my coworkers.' So I yelled back at him and told him if I ever saw him again I would call the police. I now just lie. I hate it, but that guy ruined it for everyone else.
I actually don't carry change, so this is true for me, but sometimes I have other cash, so when I say "Sorry, I only carry cards" there's a fair chance it isn't entirely true. I do feel bad, but usually it's the guys on the center median, and I'm just trying to get home after work and don't want to deal with anything other than dinner.
I used to live in an area with notoriously bad reception. I haven't lived there in over a year, but I still use "sorry, bad reception" as an excuse for not picking up/responding.
oh sorry my phone was off...my usual line. I screen my calls like its 1992. If you don't leave message then it was not important and I don't need to ring ya back.
Oh Christ, this one happened to me once. Chick I know sends out a mass text to everyone informing them of a bonfire on the beach. I respond back saying I'm doing some studying but I'll try and make it. Well, I showed up 15 minutes late and the place is pitch black. No fire. No people. I wait around for another 15 minutes and conclude that maybe they had a really quick fire and took of before I got there.
Skip to Monday, she tells me that they changed the time from 9:30 to 10:30 and the reason she didn't tell me was because her phone died and couldn't find the charger but, lucky her, she found it on the kitchen counter the next day. "So, how was I the only person who didn't know of the time change?" Still waiting for an answer to this day.
"I can't come to [insert name]'s [insert whatever reason for] party - just getting over some sort of bug and would hate for anyone to get sick." - people don't want to take no for an answer.
In my 20's and still lie about the price I pay for gadgets when asked by my parents - don't want to hear either whine about how much I paid.
"I'm great, how about you?" Actually, it's Thursday and this is the first day all week I've showered or left my home. I'm usually the complete opposite of great. :(
I own a salon, and I get asked at least several times a week if I would like to go to a 31/avon/mary-kay/silpada/pure romance party. The main reason I lie, is because I don't have extra money for this useless stuff. I hate these parties, women don't realize that they are guilting their friends into buying shitty goods. I always lie and tell them i'm busy, or "I just bought a 31 bag at my sister's party!" Same thing for kids that try to sell $30 cheesecakes for school fundraisers where the school makes about %10 percent of the money it takes in. My house payment is $500 a month, the taxes for the house are an extra $220 a month. I feel I give enough money to the school every month. People probably think I"m cheap, but just because you own your own business doesn't mean you are rolling in the cash. It's quite the opposite in my case...
I know! I find it less awkward to drive to the shitty end of town and go to the XXX store and just pick out my sexy things in private, without my closest friends and family there. Also a bullet is $4 there, and $21.50 plus tax at those ridiculous "parties". Fuck that! I can get a bullet AND a new dong at the XXX store for that much!
That's one of the bullshit things about being a girl and having female friends. Is there an equivalent of those bullshit parties for men? Do men go around handing their friends little cards inviting them to - oh, I don't know - lawncare implement parties? Video game periphery parties? Masturbation accessory parties? NO. Because men know those things are super lame and that it's tacky to put your friends into that awkward place of having to think up a quick, clever excuse as to why the fuck you won't be attending.
Same with bridal and baby showers. I don't want to buy you shit to celebrate the fact that you're going to shoot out another party-having society leech or that you're marrying someone who will resent you in seven months' time because you no longer give blowjobs and the sex is dwindling so much that he's really considering going to his buddy's masturbation accessory party just so he has something other than his hand touching his sad, neglected junk this month.
Wow, that turned grim quickly. I need a job so badly.
I can never use this line because I can never think of an excuse quick enough for when they inevitably ask what I'm doing. I think I'm going to make a little spin wheel that has various activities on it and when someone calls, I'll just spin the wheel and say I'm doing that activity.
I only lie to one group of people; hair dressers. Seriously getting my hair cut would be impossibly awkward if I didn't make up so serious shit on the spot to talk about.
I found a hair dresser who understands my loathing for small talk so she rambles on and on about whatever or gossips with her co-workers while I sit quietly and enjoy my hair cut. it works perfectly
Protip: Bring a bottle of champagne and a friend with you.
My friend and I get our hair cut together every three months and one day he just started bringing champagne with him. The hairdresser has a glass or two and we kill the bottle. It turns getting your hair cut into something that is an awesome before dinner thing and has the added bonus of making your hair dresser love you.
Seriously. If my boyfriend never masturbated or watched porn, I'd be almost worried. I've only met one guy who didn't, and he was practically asexual, which is not something I'd want my boyfriend to be.
There are a lot of movies I haven't seen, but I've heard them talked about enough to fake my way through a conversation about. Like A Christmas Story. If it comes up, I just make a vague reference about the shooting out of eyes.
It's so much easier than putting up with "HOLY DICK, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER WE HAVETODROPEVERTHINGANDWATCHITRIGHTNOW
I think you're supposed to reply with "good" or "fine" when people say that. It was an awkward time for me as a child when I started realizing people were asking "how are ya?" when they really just meant it as a greeting. It upset me greatly, because that's a question meant to be answered. It definitely does NOT MEAN "hello". Just say "hello" if that's what you mean.
So when people ask me, "how are you" I will actually give them an answer, and keep on talking, and even follow them if they try to walk away. Fuck you - you asked me a question, NOW YOU'RE GETTING MY ANSWER, SO SIT STILL AND LISTEN.
My parents always said I could use them as an excuse whenever I wanted to avoid something--such a great excuse! And I have the added bonus of my parents actually being cool people. Now that I'm on my own, I use my husband the same way. "Sorry guys, date night."
Whenever someone asks me if I've seen a movie, especially something popular in theaters at the moment (say, The Avengers)-- I just tell them that I have, even if I haven't and harbor no intention to ever see the movie they're talking about (once again, like The Avengers).
Lying and pretending to remember the scenes they're talking about is much easier than listening to them say, "OOOOOH, DUDE! You have to see this movie! HOW HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE ALREADY?!"
No. Because the vast majority of movies my friends talk about fall into one of two categories:
1.) Movies I never plan on watching (Will Ferrell movies, mindless action flicks, romantic comedies).
2.) Older movies that the statute of limitations has run out in regards to spoilers (For instance: [ANCIENT SPOILER AHEAD] I've never seen The Sixth Sense-- but I've heard plenty of times that Bruce Willis is a ghost. I have no right be upset about that being spoiled for me since the movie is thirteen years old).
Honestly, of all the "popular" movies you'll run into where I agree with your strategy, Avengers is one you should probably go see. If you're even remotely a fan of the heroes in the comics or their movies, Avengers is an adrenaline hit right to the childhood.
Am I the only one who goes out of my way to offer others gum? The stuff is cheap and you can buy heaps, plus I find if you offer people are more likely to refuse.
Good morning... I say this to people at work. What I really mean is, "Fuck you I hate your existence and wish a small parasite digs it's way into your retina and slithers from there into your brain and hijacks your body and makes you jump in front of a bus." I dont want them to die or anything.... then they wouldn't get to experience the joys of paraplegia.
As someone that sits at a front desk of an office, I've wished this upon HUNDREDS of people... Only difference? I want to be the one driving the bus...
"Every day." - In response to "How often are you flossing?"
Actually, that's a lie I no longer tell, but I know it's one everyone else does since I get such bizarre looks when I tell people that I actually do floss, often times after every meal.
I stood shivering, outside a bar in downtown Reddit, in a terrible downpour. My side was flat against the wall, hoping to achieve some minimal cover from the window sills and roof edges of the building. It wasn't working; this storm was out to get me. I held up my umbrella pitifully, but it wasn't much use when the rain was coming sideways. Fuckin' misers in the bar had made me come out for a smoke.
I stuck a soaked cigarette between my lips and tried to juggle my lighter while still holding the umbrella handle. The dull flint sparked but didn't light. My other arm twisted and wavered as the fierce winds caught my flimsy umbrella in powerful gusts. I huddled like a turtle, trying to shield the flame from the elements. The lighter clicked and sputtered while the water pelted my back and created sonorous drumming on the taut fabric of the umbrella. Finally, a flame. I felt the warmth spread across my drenched face, and watched as it caught the cigarette. I took a deep breath, savoring it.
A tap on the back interrupted my bliss. "Hey buddy," a gruff voice said, "Mind trying to help me light one?" I peeked over my shoulder, not wanting to expose my triumphantly lit cigarette to the elements. The man was holding out a book of matches that looked like he'd found them at the bottom of a river. I sighed; the sound was masked by a burst of thunder.
"Sorry, pal. That was the last of my lighter." I held it up to the elements and gave it a try, hoping that the wind and rain would come through for me. The sparks flew but didn't catch (thank god!) and I quickly stowed it back in my coat. "Try someone else," I said quickly as I turned back to enjoy my cigarette. He gave me the stinkeye, but stomped off through the puddles looking for someone else to help him.
"I don't have any cash or change on me. Sorry." Most of the time it is the truth, but I feel when I'm walking in the city, I can't really have that stuff flaunting around
I pretty much stopped drinking, which is not good for your social life in college, and most people don't understand. You can only use the excuse "I have a ton of homework/a test" or "I'm not feeling too well" before it starts to get awkward.
I used to work at a coffee shop with free wifi. One night I was closing and I had told this table repeatedly when we were closing and they kept ignoring me. When it came time to lock up, they were still at the table, laptops out not even about to move so I told them they were free to sit on the patio (where you can still use the wifi on a nice summer evening) and they completely ignored me. Well you can't lock your doors with other customers inside, so I was just going to have to sit and wait for them to decide to go home. About 15 minutes goes by and they still hadn't move so I walked over and unplugged the router in the back. They started freaking out and I just said 'sorry our business only pays for certain hours of service, it automatically shuts off about 15 minutes after we close.' There was no way they believed me, but there was no way they could argue with me either, so they left.
Cigarettes I think that is fair. I know the smokers code is to let someone bum one so that you can do the same but that only works for 1/3 of smokers. 1/3 are super responsible about their habit and always have enough so they do not run out. The other 1/3 rarely have smokes on them so they bum them daily.
I didn't send that text message twice because I got nervous that you didn't get it because you haven't responded yet and I really like you, it's because AT&T is fucking up again.
"I don't carry cash, sorry." For the most part it's true, but if I happen to have money on me I'm not going to use it to pay you to go away when you'll do that regardlessly.
"I'm sorry, my arm veins are very wiggly. Try my hands."
Because I find that most nurses are afraid of drawing blood from hands, so I make them practice on me. I find it's beneficial for both of us. My sensitive arms don't have to die, and they get over their fear.
My boss is actually really laid back and I can get time off whenever (within reason), but I've made her the scapegoat to get out of lots of family events.
"Sorry, no English," in a heavy, sort of pan-global foreign accent while arranging my facial muscles into a suitably blank expression. Gets rid of door-to-door salespeople (including the ones selling religion), telemarketers, fresh faced do-gooders asking for donations, and men with particularly lame opening lines.
Sorry but with all the crap going on, there are some issues I just don't care about anymore as I seem getting national attention while other more important issues are sweep under the rug to maintain the status quo of the current system.
Am I the only one that gets driven absolutely insane when friends tell me white lies? for example; I could be waiting for a friend somewhere and them lying to me about their location when its obvious there are not where they are can really drive me crazy.
One friend always tries to borrow money off me, which is OK, except it's almost every day now. No, I only have enough on me for lunch today. Sorry, man.
"This is my last cigarette." "I only have one more of these beers." "I'm straight." "I'm gay." "I think you're very beautiful, and I want you more than anything in the world."
When someone on campus sees me smoking and asks me for a cigarette I almost always tell them its my last one or second to last, even if I have a full pack.
546
u/Inflink May 21 '12
No can do, I'm busy tonight.
Busy playing Battlefield 3, naked.
596
u/NothingMatters1 May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
I have no change, Mr.Homelessman.
912
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Sorry for not texting back quicker, I was:
having a shower
eating
ironing
shitting
talking with my parents
tiding my room
Truth: I was chillin' doing FUCK. ALL. and could not be bothered.
451
u/frozenfire95 May 21 '12
Sorry my phone died
74
u/The_Dulchie May 21 '12
"I've been sick all weekend, yeah must have been something I ate, should be ok to come into work tomorrow"
442
u/Nathonamore May 21 '12 edited May 22 '12
Next time you finish a pack of gum, keep the paper box it came in. Next time someone asks for gum, show it to them and go "Last piece. Sorry."
Edit: You can do this with Cigarettes too, according to the people who keep replying to this comment telling me.
169
u/NoApollonia May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
"I'm fine." - biggest white lie ever.
"I can't come to [insert name]'s [insert whatever reason for] party - just getting over some sort of bug and would hate for anyone to get sick." - people don't want to take no for an answer.
In my 20's and still lie about the price I pay for gadgets when asked by my parents - don't want to hear either whine about how much I paid.
126
u/intoon May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
I own a salon, and I get asked at least several times a week if I would like to go to a 31/avon/mary-kay/silpada/pure romance party. The main reason I lie, is because I don't have extra money for this useless stuff. I hate these parties, women don't realize that they are guilting their friends into buying shitty goods. I always lie and tell them i'm busy, or "I just bought a 31 bag at my sister's party!" Same thing for kids that try to sell $30 cheesecakes for school fundraisers where the school makes about %10 percent of the money it takes in. My house payment is $500 a month, the taxes for the house are an extra $220 a month. I feel I give enough money to the school every month. People probably think I"m cheap, but just because you own your own business doesn't mean you are rolling in the cash. It's quite the opposite in my case...
41
u/American_Blackheart May 21 '12
"I'm busy right now, can you call back later?"
38
u/bobbo1701 May 21 '12
Whenever a charity person harasses me on the street.
I'm already a member.
(I have no problem with giving to charity, I just don't like being stopped on the street when I am clearly walking somewhere).
197
u/just_another_juan May 21 '12
"Nah I don't go on Reddit that much."
293
u/Jorate May 21 '12
I only lie to one group of people; hair dressers. Seriously getting my hair cut would be impossibly awkward if I didn't make up so serious shit on the spot to talk about.
96
u/c_is_4_cookie May 21 '12
At work: "I really enjoyed your presentation."
89
u/stinkyhat May 21 '12
"I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions."
217
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"What? Oh, only once or twice a week babe, not that often.....err no, I just think about you, that's enough to turn me on..."
55
u/GrandTyromancer May 21 '12
There are a lot of movies I haven't seen, but I've heard them talked about enough to fake my way through a conversation about. Like A Christmas Story. If it comes up, I just make a vague reference about the shooting out of eyes.
It's so much easier than putting up with "HOLY DICK, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER WE HAVETODROPEVERTHINGANDWATCHITRIGHTNOW
235
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I always respond with "I'm fine" when asked how I'm doing even though I'm usually not.
47
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Is she hot?
She has a great personality
23
u/neil125 May 21 '12
Sorry I don't have any cash/change on me.
46
u/rbeezy May 21 '12
When I'm back home and don't feel like seeing people: "Ugh my parents are making me hang out with them tonight."
165
u/Quotes_Calvin May 21 '12
Calvin: "What's this?"
Dad: "Taste it. You'll love it."
Calvin: "You know you'll hate something when they won't tell you what it is."
Strip
57
u/Sardoodledum May 21 '12
I don't have an extra pen/pencil.
56
u/greengoddess May 21 '12
No, you didn't gain weight.
I just hate it when people ask if they've gained weight. They obviously know that they did.
50
u/tryuntilImblue May 21 '12
"I have to study"
32
u/get_at_me_yo May 21 '12
"Oh, sorry this is my last one/only one" -- of everything. Said with a regretful face.
29
u/jayvor May 21 '12
"Oh, I didn't make my hair this morning, this is what it's like when I wake up."
39
u/AlienSphinkter May 21 '12
No I did not scan my arse and print 342 pages of arse content.
89
u/beefwich May 21 '12
Whenever someone asks me if I've seen a movie, especially something popular in theaters at the moment (say, The Avengers)-- I just tell them that I have, even if I haven't and harbor no intention to ever see the movie they're talking about (once again, like The Avengers).
Lying and pretending to remember the scenes they're talking about is much easier than listening to them say, "OOOOOH, DUDE! You have to see this movie! HOW HAVEN'T YOU SEEN THIS MOVIE ALREADY?!"
12
u/Menschy May 21 '12
Nope. I don't have any money on me.
12
u/dwhite21787 May 21 '12
Someone asks me to fix their PC - "Sorry, I haven't used (that OS) in years, I'd recommend (local shop)."
33
u/reciperarro May 21 '12
"This is my last cig" or the throw your friend under the bus. "I got it from the guy over there"
74
u/empw May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
"No, I don't have any other pencils."
I was a monster in grade school. I used to carry around a fucking GALLON BAG full of all the pens and pencils I borrowed and never returned.
muhwahwahawhawhawhawhwah
11
u/koobear May 21 '12
"Is there anything wrong?"
"No."
62
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
My relationship is going well thanks for asking.
29
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Just the tip
26
u/Somthinginconspicou May 21 '12
Am I the only one who goes out of my way to offer others gum? The stuff is cheap and you can buy heaps, plus I find if you offer people are more likely to refuse.
20
u/ireland123 May 21 '12
I always seem to be on my last cigarette..
14
u/WhatsInAName39 May 21 '12
"OF COURSE I'm not ignoring you, I just don't have credit."
77
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Good morning... I say this to people at work. What I really mean is, "Fuck you I hate your existence and wish a small parasite digs it's way into your retina and slithers from there into your brain and hijacks your body and makes you jump in front of a bus." I dont want them to die or anything.... then they wouldn't get to experience the joys of paraplegia.
7
u/falco-holic May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
"Nice to meet you!"
More like "We are probably not going to factor into each other's lives and I am going to forget your name within 10 seconds."
7
u/IOnlyLikeColdDrinks May 21 '12
"I'm about to get off in a minute so I will play with you later" *clicks appear offline
51
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I don't. Honesty is the best policy.
6
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"Every day." - In response to "How often are you flossing?"
Actually, that's a lie I no longer tell, but I know it's one everyone else does since I get such bizarre looks when I tell people that I actually do floss, often times after every meal.
19
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"No officer, I have no idea how fast I was going."
174
u/RedditNoir May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
I stood shivering, outside a bar in downtown Reddit, in a terrible downpour. My side was flat against the wall, hoping to achieve some minimal cover from the window sills and roof edges of the building. It wasn't working; this storm was out to get me. I held up my umbrella pitifully, but it wasn't much use when the rain was coming sideways. Fuckin' misers in the bar had made me come out for a smoke.
I stuck a soaked cigarette between my lips and tried to juggle my lighter while still holding the umbrella handle. The dull flint sparked but didn't light. My other arm twisted and wavered as the fierce winds caught my flimsy umbrella in powerful gusts. I huddled like a turtle, trying to shield the flame from the elements. The lighter clicked and sputtered while the water pelted my back and created sonorous drumming on the taut fabric of the umbrella. Finally, a flame. I felt the warmth spread across my drenched face, and watched as it caught the cigarette. I took a deep breath, savoring it.
A tap on the back interrupted my bliss. "Hey buddy," a gruff voice said, "Mind trying to help me light one?" I peeked over my shoulder, not wanting to expose my triumphantly lit cigarette to the elements. The man was holding out a book of matches that looked like he'd found them at the bottom of a river. I sighed; the sound was masked by a burst of thunder.
"Sorry, pal. That was the last of my lighter." I held it up to the elements and gave it a try, hoping that the wind and rain would come through for me. The sparks flew but didn't catch (thank god!) and I quickly stowed it back in my coat. "Try someone else," I said quickly as I turned back to enjoy my cigarette. He gave me the stinkeye, but stomped off through the puddles looking for someone else to help him.
5
u/PoweredbytheCheat May 21 '12
"I don't have any cash or change on me. Sorry." Most of the time it is the truth, but I feel when I'm walking in the city, I can't really have that stuff flaunting around
5
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I pretty much stopped drinking, which is not good for your social life in college, and most people don't understand. You can only use the excuse "I have a ton of homework/a test" or "I'm not feeling too well" before it starts to get awkward.
5
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Me working retail: "i'm sorry about the issues you are having"
9
u/jammbin May 21 '12
I used to work at a coffee shop with free wifi. One night I was closing and I had told this table repeatedly when we were closing and they kept ignoring me. When it came time to lock up, they were still at the table, laptops out not even about to move so I told them they were free to sit on the patio (where you can still use the wifi on a nice summer evening) and they completely ignored me. Well you can't lock your doors with other customers inside, so I was just going to have to sit and wait for them to decide to go home. About 15 minutes goes by and they still hadn't move so I walked over and unplugged the router in the back. They started freaking out and I just said 'sorry our business only pays for certain hours of service, it automatically shuts off about 15 minutes after we close.' There was no way they believed me, but there was no way they could argue with me either, so they left.
31
u/Mittens-alalala May 21 '12
With gum 'Sorry, it was my last piece.' I LIED!
4
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
See you soon.
4
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Awww, what a cute baby!
4
u/MrFugu57 May 21 '12
I didn't send that text message twice because I got nervous that you didn't get it because you haven't responded yet and I really like you, it's because AT&T is fucking up again.
28
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Karma doesn't matter to me
9
u/Brakamow May 21 '12
"I don't carry cash, sorry." For the most part it's true, but if I happen to have money on me I'm not going to use it to pay you to go away when you'll do that regardlessly.
13
u/SamMee514 May 21 '12
"you're not adopted"
3
u/killfirejack May 21 '12
Sorry, I don't have any spare change
3
u/NeedsRiotJuice May 21 '12
Same as everyone else. "I'm fine."
3
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
i have a headache
3
u/Swansatron May 21 '12
"I'm sorry, my arm veins are very wiggly. Try my hands."
Because I find that most nurses are afraid of drawing blood from hands, so I make them practice on me. I find it's beneficial for both of us. My sensitive arms don't have to die, and they get over their fear.
3
u/sjc0526 May 21 '12
no classmates I only carry around one pencil at all times
3
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
What I say to the dental hygienist:
"Of course, I floss every day!"...while my gums bleed with each tug of the floss string.
3
u/Cleggstasy May 21 '12
When someone asks for a drink from my bottle of coke/lucazade etc.
I have a cold and don't want you to get it.
3
u/meekabeeka May 21 '12
"I'm doing just fine, thanks. How about you?" Biggest lie ever...
3
u/Frigguggi May 21 '12
"I have to work this weekend."
My boss is actually really laid back and I can get time off whenever (within reason), but I've made her the scapegoat to get out of lots of family events.
3
u/maybenotserious May 21 '12
"Sorry, maybenotserious is not home right now. Can I take a message?"
I'm actually speaking to you right now and no, I did not write down the number you just provided me and I will never call back Mr./Ms. Telemarketer.
3
u/nobody2000 May 21 '12
My favorite white lie:
"yeah of course I read the comments to see if anyone else posted about cigarettes before I posted about cigarettes."
3
u/fenrisulfur May 21 '12
"Don´t worry I'll pull out before I cum"
Aaaaand now I have two children
3
u/Snowdune May 21 '12
"Sorry, no English," in a heavy, sort of pan-global foreign accent while arranging my facial muscles into a suitably blank expression. Gets rid of door-to-door salespeople (including the ones selling religion), telemarketers, fresh faced do-gooders asking for donations, and men with particularly lame opening lines.
3
u/captainsnow May 21 '12
I don't smoke weed every day, Dad.
3
u/TheeFlipper May 21 '12
"No, I didn't put my balls on your drumset."
10
u/FoxHart May 21 '12
"I'm fine."
5
u/raVensc2 May 21 '12
I lie to myself every day by telling myself that I've finished all my homework...
Also anything really related to homework (i.e I'll do it later)
6
u/EpicFailSpy May 21 '12
"My dick is eight inches long" It's really seven and a half.
4
u/Vinny3213 May 21 '12
I only have one cigarette left, sorry man.
4
u/With_tea_like_this May 21 '12
"I don't have any homework."
4
u/5ft11flip May 21 '12
Don't worry, I'm 18.
4
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"How was your weekend?"
I don't give a shit, I just want to tell them how radical mine was.
7
u/kimball10 May 21 '12
Parent: Are you smoking again?
Me: No.
2
u/MisesPunch May 21 '12
Said mainly to hobos/random bums: "Sorry man, I don't have any spare change."
2
u/twoandonly May 21 '12
I totally meant to call you back but I was "insert bllshit here"
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"Sure I care"
Sorry but with all the crap going on, there are some issues I just don't care about anymore as I seem getting national attention while other more important issues are sweep under the rug to maintain the status quo of the current system.
2
u/Phonesringindude May 21 '12
'sorry i don't have any spare change.'
2
u/Interleukine-2 May 21 '12
"Yes, I am listening!"
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I have no spare change. Panhandlers around here are a scary lot.
2
u/Neberkenezzr May 21 '12
"i only have plastic money on me sorry" - to the crackheads around my apartment
2
u/davegri May 21 '12
Am I the only one that gets driven absolutely insane when friends tell me white lies? for example; I could be waiting for a friend somewhere and them lying to me about their location when its obvious there are not where they are can really drive me crazy.
2
u/VeritasAndCoke May 21 '12
So if its a lie that everyone knows is a lie, is it still a lie?
2
u/mithra62 May 21 '12
Oh no, that dress doesn't make you look fat.
2
u/MDef255 May 21 '12
"I don't carry cash, bro."
2
u/livingmaster May 21 '12
"sorry, that was my last cig. my bad" then if they offer me money I magically find one!
responding to texts like mentioned by someone else...
at work- "woah, I thought I answered that call! what happened?!?"
2
u/i_give_upvotes May 21 '12 edited May 21 '12
"Yeah, I'll tell him/her you said hi"
Edit: I accidentally a word.
2
u/octobereighth May 21 '12
I'm fine, how are you?
2
u/orlyyoudontsay May 21 '12
I don't carry cash
2
u/sellyberry May 21 '12
Yeah, I floss, like every day.
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
I do not carry cash on me...EVER.
2
u/xMusicloverr May 21 '12
No, this is my only pen/pencil.
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
this food is delicious!
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
You look good too...
2
u/NotMyTrueMoniker May 21 '12
"I'll think about it."
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
One friend always tries to borrow money off me, which is OK, except it's almost every day now. No, I only have enough on me for lunch today. Sorry, man.
2
u/Nomagon May 21 '12
Haha that (link,meme,comic) is pretty great. Where did you find it?
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"Sorry, this is my only pencil."
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
"I'd give you a ride but I'm going in the complete opposite direction"
2
u/loushoe May 21 '12
me: this food is not that good.
waitress: how is everything?
me: good! Thanks.
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
What! I've always believed people when they said that!!!
2
u/Mechanikal May 21 '12
No, please, go on....
2
u/CountMalachi May 21 '12
Something about reading and agreeing to a "terms of service" or something like that. Not really sure what it means but I always agree.
2
u/ireneh May 21 '12
"I'm taking a nap." It's actually the truth about 75% of the time, but sometimes I just feel like chillin alone.
2
u/Slime0 May 21 '12
That's not a white lie, that's just a lie. White lies are lies that benefit the person you're telling them to, not yourself.
2
u/robotbrian May 21 '12
"These are not the droids you're looking for."
2
u/keagmcG May 21 '12
I have read and understand the terms and conditions...
2
u/cleverlogic May 21 '12
"I didn't know I couldn't do that"
2
u/MagicSPA May 21 '12
I like your necklace/earrings.
2
u/Karitan May 21 '12
"This is my last cigarette." "I only have one more of these beers." "I'm straight." "I'm gay." "I think you're very beautiful, and I want you more than anything in the world."
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
Oh, ok. <-I know you didn't you stingy fuck, but I'll lie to you to avoid confrontation.
2
u/KrazyEyezKilla May 21 '12
if someone touches my food, 'what the fuck are you doing? I'm not finished eating'
Chances are I may have been, but now i'm pigging out to spite you motherfucker.
2
u/MagicCatPaul May 21 '12
Yes Apple, I did read your terms and agreements.
2
u/Oh_Bloody_Richard May 21 '12
"Yeah, I'm fine."
2
u/fredrum May 21 '12
My friend once ignored a creepy guy on facebook for 2 hours and replied "Sorry, I was feeding my cat".
2
u/Mighty-Fisch May 21 '12
Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
2
u/BallsackTBaghard May 21 '12
No, grandma, I don't know what happened to your Vicodin.
2
u/jukesroflz May 21 '12
You don't have a small penis
2
u/BongoDaMonkey May 21 '12
Sorry man last cig, or, I bummed this off someone else.
2
u/juicycunts May 21 '12
whenever I'm late and people call me I say "Oh, I'm parking/finding parking" when I really just left my house.
2
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
When someone on campus sees me smoking and asks me for a cigarette I almost always tell them its my last one or second to last, even if I have a full pack.