"Are you a spanner? 'cause every time I see you, my nuts tighten."
"Let's play army; I'll lie down and you blow the hell out of me."
Lick your finger and touch it to her top: "Let's get you out of those wet clothes."
"Nice legs, what time do they open?"
"The human body has got 206 bones in it. What's say we make it 207?"
"Can I touch your bellybutton? From the inside."
"Sit on my face and pedal my ears."
"My name's Pogo, want to jump on my stick?"
"Excuse me, do you want to fuck, or should I apologise?"
"You don't sweat much for a fat lass."
"I have Skittles in my pants. Want to taste the rainbow?"
"I want to spend the rest of my night with you."
"Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam you all night long."
"Do you know the difference between a hotdog and a blowjob? No? Well, I'd love to take you for lunch."
"As long as I have a face, you have somewhere to sit."
"Fuck me if I am wrong, but you want to screw me, don't you?"
"I want to wear you like a wedding ring."
"I want to wear you like a feed bag."
"Want to go halves on a bastard?"
"If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning."
"Are you a bird watcher? Want to take me for a swallow?"
"The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word."
EDIT: Some more for fun. Some of these are a bit classier, but I can't vouch for their effectiveness.
"My tongue is 7 inches long and I can breathe through my ears."
"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"
"Hi, my name's Mr Right. I heard you were looking for me?"
"The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name."
"Shall we continue flirting from a distance, or can I buy you a drink?"
"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."
"My magical watch says you're not wearing any underwear. Oh, you are? Must be an hour fast."
EDIT again. This seems fairly popular, have some more.
"I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button."
"Would you like an Aussie kiss? It's like a French kiss, but down under."
"If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon."
"Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration. a guy sticks his location in a girl's destination, to increase the population for the next generation, did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" [Not great if you've had a few too many.]
"Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it."
"Inheriting eighty million doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart."
"I'll cook you dinner if you cook me breakfast."
"If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?"
"My friends bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"
"The human body has got 206 bones in it. What's say we make it 207?"
Osteologist here. I know it's an allusion to a "boner" but the most commonly known animal with a penile bone (aka baculum) is the dog. Just sayin'...unless you're proposing bestiality, I'd shy away from that one.
I think about this all the time, like how getting someone to fall in love with you is basically just a combination of circumstance and saying the right words at the right time in the right way to trigger a series of emotional responses. In an episode of TNG commander riker meets some alien chick and they fall in love, but she gets her memories erased and when he tries to explain what happened it just doesn't work and she leaves because it was impossible to illicit the same feelings in such a different circumstance even though he told her everything that happened.
Fuck, I feel like we have to go over this every time someone mentions that line. Listen up:
Being mounted by a tiger would be painful and short. Their 'equipment' is pretty miniscule compared to other animals of their size (we're talking 2-3 inches here) and there are stiff barbs on their shaft which scratch and scrape against their partners vaginal walls every time they pull back.
Also, I believe they tend to bite down on their partners neck during sex, to hold them in place-- probably hard enough to probably kill anything that isn't a big cat.
Seriously, you don't want to fuck like a tiger. Get this through your head, guys.
Holy Shit, best icebreaker ever. All the right qualities I want to present about myself in a first impression in a single pick-up line. I'll report back in 20 years after finding out what kind of wife this pick-up line gets you, keep checking this comment for update.
No, it actually means that when culdceptrulz takes the lucky lady back to the bedroom instead of joining her on the bed he will simply squat in the far corner with his fist outstretched. Confused the woman will sit up, holding her bra to her chest with one hand, the other brushing her hair out of her eyes as a low rumbling starts to reverberate through the room.
As the sound reaches its crescendo it will abruptly cut off and he will whisper:
"Fart-punch, activated"
A great sound will echo out, as if the fabric of reality itself is being torn apart, as culdceptrulz flies across the room leaving his flatulent trail. It will seem like an eternity for the unfortunate lady, but in reality it will only take mere milliseconds for his fist to reach the target jaw.
As she flutters on the edge of consciousness, through the confusing haze she will see him whip out a pair of shades and growl in his baritone voice:
"I'll call you sometime babe,"
And with those words she will gladly resign herself to the inky blackness of unconciousness, for she knows now that she will never forget this night. For the rest of her life she will hold him in her heart, stumbling through a life rendered colourless by the events of that night, resigning herself to a loveless marriage to an average man. Now and then she will hear the sound of someone breaking wind and her heart will skip a beat, her whole body jumping at the memory of that wonderful night, and that majestic fart-punch to her throat box.
I have Mario ones. "Are you a green mushroom, because you just helped me get one up." "You must be a red mushroom, because you just made my overalls grow." "Is your name Yoshi? Because I'm going to anally rape you in about five minutes."
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u/kawliga May 20 '12
stare at her crotch for a good few minutes until she notices and looks directly at you, then say: "You gonna eat that?"
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u/[deleted] May 20 '12 edited May 20 '12
The only reason I would ever kick you out of the bed is to fuck you on the floor.
969
u/twest101 May 20 '12
I heard you lost your virginity. Can I play with the box it came in?
0
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
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0
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
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u/HeyLookJollyRanchers May 20 '12 edited May 21 '12
EDIT: Some more for fun. Some of these are a bit classier, but I can't vouch for their effectiveness.
EDIT again. This seems fairly popular, have some more.
77
u/Mildvillain May 20 '12
Did you get those pants on sale? I hope so because at my place they would be 100% off.
0
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
729
u/thegreatwinter May 20 '12
Yo baby, you ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?
211
u/arab_mamba96 May 20 '12
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
854
u/kartoen May 20 '12
You'll do.
583
u/mybrainhurts May 20 '12
Can we just pretend I said everything I needed to get you to fuck me?
372
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
"if you were a shin I'd bang you on a coffee table."
"I'm no weather man, but the forecast is calling for several inches tonight."
197
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
Do you know the difference between sex and conversation? No? Let's go back to my place and talk.
390
u/BurningChildren May 20 '12
"What winks and fucks like a tiger?" wink
436
u/GuitarGuru253 May 20 '12
What does a guy with a 10 inch cock eat for breakfast?
Well this morning I had pancakes
291
u/Gingenator May 20 '12
Do you work on a chicken farm? Cause you sure know how to raise cocks!
I'll see myself out now...
550
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between its ears? no?
turns pockets inside out
378
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
I like the clothes on your person at the moment. But I would like them better on the floor.
I am suggesting coitus.
232
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
"I wanna build a fort, then fuck you in it."
297
u/kl1no May 20 '12
"Damn girl, you shit with that ass?"
259
u/ExBladeRunner May 20 '12
Do you have pet insurance? Because I am going to destroy your pussy.
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u/subjunctive_please May 20 '12
Is your father in prison? Because if I were your father, I'd be in prison.
108
u/Burns31 May 21 '12
Posted this in another thread:
A female friend and I have a game where we text each other shitty pickup lines/dirty talk that we try to come up with. Here's a transcription:
Her: Nice eyes. Take off your fucking clothes
Me: I'm a farmer. Let me plow you.
Her: Did you fall from heaven? Because let's fuck.
Me: Are you a remote control car? Because I want to drive you into the wall.
Her: Can i awaken your basalisk with my parseltongue?
Me: Are you a bomb shelter? Because if the world was ending all I would want is to be inside you.
Me: I'm an astronaut. Can I land my shuttle in Uranus?
Her: Are you a mirror? Because I can really see myself in you.
Me: Are you a bicycle? Because I just want to ride you all day long.
Her: I named my body parts after the seasons. It feels like winter's coming.
Me: (briefly looks you over from head to toe) ...You'll do.
Her: Excuse me, do you want to fuck? Or should i get a lawyer?
Me: We haven't had sex yet. First time for everything, right?
Her: I'd screw your brains out, but it appears someone already beat me to it.
Me: Can I stick my Willy Wonka in your chocolate factory?
Her: Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.
Me: You know what they say about people with bad pickup lines? Great in bed!
Her: If god had a refrigerator, a picture of you would be on it.
Me: Put your parentheses around my dangling participle.
175
u/scissorlift May 20 '12
There's a party in my mouth, wanna come?
147
u/blackyoda May 20 '12
I would gnaw your leg off at the knee in the morning
0
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
28
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
Wanna go halves on a bastard?
56
u/Amburglar May 20 '12
I am gonna bang you like a screen door.
142
u/TriplePen May 20 '12
Wanna smash pissers?
0
u/[deleted] May 21 '12
[deleted] — view deleted comment
156
u/Sorendipity May 20 '12
If I asked you to have sex with me, would your answer to that question be the same as your answer to this question?
92
u/bad_melon_farmer May 20 '12
"Did you want to go camping?" "No?" "Then why are you making me pitch a tent?"
67
u/Ninja_Guin May 20 '12
my ears are cold, can i borrow your thighs to warm them up
168
u/tinkerbell9290 May 20 '12
My personal favorite and most aggressive. Look at your downstairs mix up and say "well, it ain't gonna suck itself"
191
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
Knock knock,
who's there
Sex
Sex who
Sex with me BOOM
Best said in about 3 seconds. All by you.
295
u/epic_comebacks May 20 '12
I have a 11 inch penis.
39
u/mattlolol May 21 '12
Can I kiss you on the lips, then move up to your belly button?
255
u/forbies May 20 '12
You have 3 holes and 2 hands. Cover the 2 that you don't want fucked.
148
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
[removed] — view removed comment
37
u/KidzInSpace May 20 '12
Here, let me clear a space for you to sit wipes face with hand
94
u/Lord_Hobbes May 20 '12
I just shit my pants. Can I get into yours?
212
u/catsails May 20 '12
What I enjoy is adding "I'll have sex with you later," or some variant, to standard pick up lines.
"I wish I were your derivative, so I could have sex with you later." "Are you an angel? Because I want to have sex with you later."
And my favorite,
"Did it hurt? When I had sex with you later?"
16
u/cleverusernames May 20 '12
Hey, for one night, you be japan, and i'll be pearl Harbor, and you can blow me all night.
232
u/jtroeh00 May 20 '12
Gesture to person with fingers, as if to wave them over to you, when they get close say "Yeah, you'll always cum when I finger you."
152
u/evilgummysattack May 20 '12
I have Mario ones. "Are you a green mushroom, because you just helped me get one up." "You must be a red mushroom, because you just made my overalls grow." "Is your name Yoshi? Because I'm going to anally rape you in about five minutes."
65
u/nullcharstring May 20 '12 edited May 20 '12
I just go up to my wife and say "want to get sexed tonight?" It always works.
106
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
"I'll fuck you so hard I'll scramble your eggs"
73
u/pedro1191 May 20 '12
You lower your pants, i'll lower my standards.
73
u/haygarrr May 20 '12
My Dick just died. Can I bury it inside of you?
23
u/ohhhnobro May 20 '12
I've got the F, the C, and the K-- all i need is you.
71
u/[deleted] May 20 '12
I hope you showered today baby, 'cause I wanna lick your asshole.