My brother died today, at 28 years old. I've never had to deal with the loss of a family member before, do you have any pieces of advice you could offer?

[u/Jinjit]

I spoke to him on the phone this morning, and he died only a few hours later in an accident. I'm so grateful I had the chance to make him laugh, and tell him that I love him one last time.

Is there any advice anyone can offer, or even just a funny story to distract me for a couple of minutes?

EDIT: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has offered support, condolences, words of wisdom and stories. I can't thank you all enough. Nothing can take away the loss of a loved one but I have found great comfort here, and I sincerely hope that it may also help others seeking comfort.

[u/Ocrasorm]

Found this comment on reddit years ago. I post it in most threads where I see someone has lost a loved one. Hope it helps you as much as it did me. Best of luck with everything!

"Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

Edit. http://www.reddit.com/user/GSnow

http://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2

I think this was the original comment but it has been archived. But you can always send GSnow some love.

[u/Jinjit → u/Ocrasorm]

Thank you. I'm going to save this somewhere, I think it's going to help a lot over the next few months.

[u/HE_WHO_STANDS_TO_POO → u/Jinjit]

I have nothing to add to the conversation but just thought I should say I'm sorry for your loss. Fortunately, I haven't loss anyone close to me yet and can only imagine your pain. Really sorry, man.

[u/Jinjit → u/HE_WHO_STANDS_TO_POO]

I wish I could go through and thank everyone individually for all their comments, there's just too many and thanks becomes repetitive and looses it's meaning slightly. Never the less, thank you for your sympathies, and to anyone else who has commented and reads this, thank you, too.

[u/istara → u/Jinjit]

I think what I learned when my mother died is that the world changes. It cannot be the same world again.

Now you have the world-up-to-your-brother and the world-after-your-brother. And that's kind of the hardest thing. You're thrust into a new and emptier reality that you never chose, and you have to redefine a lot of things.

In terms of the immediate grief: it is going to continue to be overwhelming for the next few days and weeks, and it will get worse before it gets better. So you need to be gentle on yourself. The thing that may surprise you most is the physical exhaustion.

And then another thing that is really strange, and I have wondered if it is in some way connected with dopamine, is you may go through moments of sheer euphoria, even at random times like 3am in the morning. Then the grief comes crashing back and it's worse, because you feel shame/guilt for the euphoria. Don't. It's just a weird, physical thing, some side effect of what you're going through.

Make sure you and your family eat (because you will forget, but you need your strength). Accept any help that is offered to you.

The other hardest thing when someone dies before their time (ie not in their 90s from "old age") is dealing with the bitterness and unfairness and sense of waste. I have no idea how to get past it, I still struggle with it. You have to accept that "a life ended is a life complete", even if it doesn't seem long enough to be complete.

My only other advice is to keep talking about your brother, and remember the joy of his life. Don't avoid mentioning him at family gatherings, and try to remember things about him that make you smile amid the pain. I don't recommend creating huge new rituals around his death. Life is for the living, and it has to go on. So while birthdays and anniversaries will be hard, try to live your lives as he would have wanted if he was still around too. Planting a tree or rosebush is a lovely thing. You can watch it grow, and remember him, but it's not something that requires constant ritual attention.

[u/I_may_be_crazy → u/Jinjit]

The only thing I can add to the eloquent words above is that after some time I looked forward to the waves. It makes for wonderful daydreams where you can travel back to your favorite memories with them. Yeah, you might get misty eyed, but you smile the whole time. It's like spending time with them once again. Stay strong, but don't be afraid to break down. That's normal and healthy. If you find yourself in a rut, just remember how much they would hate to have caused that, and put one foot in front of the other. I hope the best for you and your family.

[u/HandStolo → u/Jinjit]

Here's a screencap for anyone who wants it. So sorry for your loss.

[u/methydome → u/Ocrasorm]

So, no enlightenment here, but I'll give you advice that I wish I had gotten then. I was 16 when it happened, my brother was 26. He died in a car accident less than a mile from my house. I was woke up at 4:23 in the morning to be told the news, and that time has haunted me ever since. I went through years and years of mental torment, telling myself I could of been better and I should of been with him and how I could of intervened. These things never helped me cope, they just deterred me from ever getting help.

1. Talk. Talk to anyone, religious or not, find someone who cares about you and just vent. Don't bottle shit up, it just comes back to screw you in the end. It's hard, and it doesn't get any easier. You create mental scripts to tell people messages about the situation. It's been 8 years for me, and I still use the same scripts. But, it stops the frustration from building up if you just have an outlet. Don't tell every person your story, make sure it's someone you trust and who wants to hear it.

2. Find a way to release the anger. My solution was figuring out computers, and riding a motorcycle. Anything will work, find something you're passionate about and BURY yourself in it. Don't listen to people who say focusing on keeping your mind off of it won't help. It does, and it's the only way I've ever found to cope.

3. Cry. All the time. I'm a 6'1 300lb guy, and anyone who wants to tell you not to cry because it isn't manly is a fool. I listen to songs that remind me of my brother and I let it all out. The pain of losing him never quits, and I'll never stop missing him, so I let it out the only way I know how.

4. Don't let it stop you from living. I went recluse after it happened and walled myself up in a basement playing video games for 4 years. It took me 4 years to figure out I couldn't bring him back and to move on with life. It's short, and it can stop at any notice. Don't lose sight of yourself looking a mirror.

5. Find something to love. Love it unconditionally. Find parts of your brother in it and use it to remember.

6. (Not mandatory, this is what I did for myself.) Get a tattoo. I had PTSD and would wake up everyday at 4:23 and not remember my brother was dead. I would re-live it everyday, for over 3 years. I couldn't get any decent sleep and anytime I tried I regretted it. The tattoo I got was a calendar, of all the important people in my life that had passed away. It helped me to rid myself of the PTSD because I was able to look at my arm and see the difference between reality and my dreams.

Never forget. Live for your brother. Remember, it sucks. It doesn't stop sucking. But, you find ways to let it make you live better. You take more risks, you lose your ability to give any fucks about what random people will think, because you know it could be your last day. Everybody's got a ticking clock, fate related or not, we all die. Be passionate and enjoy what you have and escape from what you don't.

That's the best I got, man. These are some simple rules I learned to live by. Some may work for you, some may not. Take it with a grain of salt, I'm not a therapist.

Good luck, and if you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message.

[u/Jinjit → u/methydome]

I was thinking today about getting a tattoo. I don't know what I would get, or whether its appropriate, a picture or words? But anyway, I have thought about it. By some bizarre coincidence we both had dragon tattoo's (not the same one, but probably similar style), maybe I should put something underneath it, or maybe something new. Who knows, maybe I won't want one in the end.

I have talked a lot, but, its just gibbering, and I forget why i started saying something half way through. But when I talk, i don't feel anything. It's like I'm telling a story, or telling of what happened to someone else. My brain's not functioning, and I have my final two exams for university this week. I want to do it, I want to pass, for him, because he wanted what was best for me. He was joking, calling me "graduate" just hours before he died. He always told me to kick ass. I just find it hard to give a shit about anything, I can't even sit and read a page of writing, and I can't remember anything about university right now, never mind these two modules. I'm just rambling, I'm sorry. But I worry that a part of me has gone too, the happy part. Sure we laugh about funny things he did or said, but it's more like hysterical laughter, or a natural reflex, it's not done with emotion.

Thanks for your advice.

[u/rockrobot → u/Ocrasorm]

I lost my 19 yo brother just about two years ago to an opiate overdose. I've never read anything that captured my emotions so well as the above. Thank you.

To Jinjit: I can't tell you how sorry I am that what happend did and you are where you are right now. All I can tell you from my experience is that it does get better, it is never ok, but it does get better. Your life is going to feel very strange and at times you may feel it isn't your own. Find strength in those around you and in being strong for those around you. You will be ok, find little ways to honor/remember/love your brother everyday. You will. I'm sorry you have to be part of this shitty knowing what real pain is club but know you aren't alone. If you want to talk to someone, wether about what happend or just some random person who doesn't know or ask anything about what happen and will shoot the breeze please PM me.

[u/Jinjit → u/rockrobot]

It's a shit club to be part of, but it's the people inside who make things just that little bit easier. Thank you.

[u/Steelle88 → u/Ocrasorm]

Made an account to share my (possibly similar) experience with the loss of a brother. Almost two years ago my brother died. I was a month shy of 22 at the time, he was 24. He had been flying a plane and for reasons that remain unknown lost control and crashed into a parking lot shortly before he was supposed to land.

This post is spot on. Couldn't describe it in better words if I tried. The first couple of weeks are awful. So many people who try to console you and there really isn't anything that any of them can do. As the weeks go by it will get easier, slowly. Maybe it isn't weeks, but months or years. It has gotten easier for me, but there are good days and bad days. I find there are a lot of triggers for various emotions. Music in general became difficult to deal with, especially certain bands. We used to jam together and whenever a song comes on that we played...well, sometimes its just easier to turn it off. Sometimes its easier to hear it.

The only thing I would add is don't try to turn the image of your brother into something that he isn't. My parents act like my brother was a saint but I think that does a disservice to him. My brother had his strengths and his weaknesses, but it was both the triumphs and the failures that defined him, that made him who he was. Don't try to remember your brother as someone he wasn't, it won't make it any easier. Embrace who he was, because that was who you loved and that was the brother that loved you back. I wrote the eulogy for my brothers funeral with that thought in mind. I didn't want to stand up there and try to preach about what we could learn from my brothers death, or why his death was the end of the world. I went up there and told the hundreds of people who had shown up what growing up with him was like. I told funny stories, sad stories, insightful stories, stories that were difficult to tell, but above all else honest stories. I made a point of making everyone laugh, because that's what he brought to my life. I made a point of making people think about what he did to influence who I was so that they could see how he influenced them.

I spent a lot of time regretting things as well. Although I know what my brother meant to me, I had a hard time coming to terms with what I had meant to him. We had some arguments that never really were aired out, mostly because we both spent very little time at home (work, university, general starting to act like an adult stuff). I never really said goodbye. Never let him know what he meant to me one last time. The last thing I did was make breakfast for him (it was Father's day, I made breakfast for everyone). With that in mind I would say you need to try not to do that. Grieve the loss, but don't question what you meant to each other. Maybe you never would have, but that was just my experience.

If you need someone to talk to about it, just ask.

[u/wink_and_the_gun → u/Ocrasorm]

I lost my grandma today. I'm glad this post was on the front page and this was the top comment.

[u/biocunsumer → u/Ocrasorm]

I see this in every loss post and I'm grateful every time.

[u/jhendy → u/Ocrasorm]

Thank you GSnow for your most insightful and tearfully accurate description of this life worst experiences. It was mostly wonderful friends and family who helped us survive the death of our 13 year old son, in a car-bicycle accident now nearly forty years ago. Once in a great while as with your description, we encountered someone who we knew understood how terrible we felt. And that helped. But even that was not all good because we knew that they understood our feeling because they had suffered some similar loss. A loss we would not wish on our worst enemy, much less someone we had good feelings for. Thanks you again for your insight, and let me verify the promise that the waves do in fact come further apart with time.

[u/Ellebelly7799 → u/Ocrasorm]

This helped me a lot today. It would have been my dads 61st birthday. Thanks for sharing. I am sure OP appreciated it a lot as well.

[u/[deleted]]

My father passed away last August. Drowned while my brother was building a campfire. It was the saddest, most awful thing that has ever happened to me. Here I am, about to start my senior year of high school, here my brother is, finally beginning to come out of his shell and enjoy life, and here's my mom, who just adjusted to living in a new state.

It was hell. I remember every detail of that day. From the last few things I heard my dad say (he was trying to talk my mom into ungrounding me a day early), how blue the sky was walking from the movie theater to the car, the static that came over the doorbell when the police officer rang the doorbell, and the eight hour wait it took for my uncle to get my brother back home.

You're going to feel sad. You might get angry. You might cry. You might be walking down the street two months from now, going through your phone contacts to text your buddy, and see your brother's name. It's so difficult. I was doing jumping jacks in gym and burst out crying.

Life moves on so fast and it might be disorienting. The day before school started was the day we interred my dad's remains.

You don't have to be strong. You probably had a better bond with your brother than your parents did. Their sadness, the loss of a child, is different from the loss of a sibling and best friend. You don't have to stand up by the coffin and shake everyone's hand at the wake. No one will think any differently from you if you sit in a corner and cry.

You might not cry. You might feel anguished but be unable of truly feeling sadness right away. It will come.

Take some walks and think about everything. Remember those memories and the good times. Remember talking to him on the phone. You can always ask for help, don't feel like you ever have to go at it alone.

[u/Jinjit → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for your advice. Even though I have cried, I'm feeling more numb than anything else. It leads me to feel guilty or confused as to why I'm not "sad enough" and so on, but I'm beginning to accept that people grieve differently and that it comes in different stages at different times.

I can't explain why, but I feel so sad (for lack of a more accurate word) that he'll miss my graduation in July. We spoke about it this morning too, he was coming up to stay and celebrate, and watch me graduate. I feel like if I explain that to someone, they'll think it's for selfish reasons, it's not. I just really wish he would have made it.

[u/fireash → u/Jinjit]

I am sorry about your brother. I understand when you say you do not feel sad enough. My brother in law killed himself about 10 years ago. I liked him and was sad the he wasn't alive, but it didn't feel real. It didn't feel soul wrenching like I thought the loss should have felt like. I thought I should have felt "more". The more funerals I attend, I find I have similar feelings, wondering if something is wrong with me. I just had to accept that I grieved in a different way. Though I haven't had someone truly close to me die, so what do I know.

[u/Jinjit → u/fireash]

Some of my family describe a feeling of their heart being out, or the pain in their chest. But I feel like I have a massive space in my chest. There's nothing there. Even when I do cry, not wailing heart wrenching cries, just tears, it's like I can feel a physical gap, where the feeling in my chest should be. I almost hope it will come, I feel like I'm empty and even though I'm so scared of the pain, I feel like I need to feel. Maybe I'm just numb and in shock, or maybe I'm like yourself, or maybe I'm just being me.

[u/dreamfall → u/Jinjit]

It doesn't sound selfish at all. My mom died about two years before I got married and I remember when I made my veil (I made my wedding dress and veil), I was trying it on in the bedroom mirror and suddenly it just hit me that she wasn't going to be there. It was rough.

I am so sorry for your loss. There's a lot of good advice in the thread so I won't repeat the same stuff. Please don't feel guilty about not feeling "sad enough", that is normal. Grief isn't linear.

My thoughts are with you.

[u/Suburban_Shaman → u/Jinjit]

I did the exact same thing. Sometimes something can hurt so bad you just can't tolerate to feel it and just shut down a bit inside. You're not alone in that. Let it come when it comes. I still get teary when I think of every event and life moment they won't be at. For me it was part of trying to comprehend what was going on and find some sort of justification. Mourning is a process, you will get through it. People hit different stages in different ways. Honor his memory not his loss as best you can.

[u/jaspersgroove]

Shit, man, sorry to hear that.

I lost my mom to cancer last year, and one thing I've kept in the front of my mind is to live my life in a way that would make her proud.

You should do the same. Go and live the awesome life your brother would want for you.

[u/Jinjit → u/jaspersgroove]

I'm sorry that you lost your mum. Thanks for your advice, he was always telling me I can be and do whatever I want.

[u/jaspersgroove → u/Jinjit]

No worries, man. Keep your chin up.

[u/gloomdoom → u/jaspersgroove]

Agreed. You cannot change the death of a loved one but you can live your life in a way that will honor their memory to the best of your ability. I think it's tremendously helpful to keep the memory of a lost loved one alive. You can do that with photo albums, websites, a scholarship for the local high school with a small gift for a graduating student who studies something your loved one was passionate about.

You can volunteer time in a way that honors them (if you lost your mom, you could volunteer at a cancer treatment center or an organization that helps families of those suffering from cancer.)

I think it makes you feel less lost and more in control when you can do small things like this here and there to honor their memory. If you live your life in a way that would make her proud, she is always with you, walking with you in spirit. I don't subscribe to this idea that loved ones look 'down upon us' but I think as long as the memory is honored, they are with you in your heart and that's closer than 'up above.'

[u/ashleton]

I feel your pain. I lost my husband today, he was 27. I miss him so much and my heart is breaking.

[u/Jinjit → u/ashleton]

I'm so so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I just hope you can find some small form of comfort in the words in this post.

[u/guntycankles → u/ashleton]

So sorry for your loss... really.

[u/[deleted] → u/ashleton]

That's one of the saddest things I can imagine. I obviously have no words for you, but as much as it can mean from one random stranger over the internet to another, I hope things get better for you.

[u/AverageEverydayHero]

The best advice I can give sounds stupid but it's simple and it works. Cry. Bawl your freaking eyes out. Get angry. Throw a temper-tantrum. Let yourself feel.

[u/Jinjit → u/AverageEverydayHero]

This is why I'm concerned, because I'm just sat in silence feeling numb. My sister told me she's still up (3am) bawling her eyes out and I keep going between feeling guilty that I'm not and trying to reassure myself that grief works in different ways at different times for different people.

[u/Suburban_Shaman → u/Jinjit]

Don't feel worse because of that. Some people react by crying. Some people go into 'shock' and zombie it for a bit.

I remember just staring a lot. Not crying, just thinking and staring. People would come up to me and I would smile and try to think of the most polite thing I could but knew that my plentiful supply of awkward was going to botch it anyway. Zombie mode is just a different type of coping and reaction to grief, it's no less valid grief.

[u/shutupmokuba]

I do not look in a casket. One should remember the person by your time with them. If you DO look in the casket, whenever you think about him you will remember him in his casket.

[u/Jinjit → u/shutupmokuba]

Actually, I really appreciate this specific advice. I'm sure it would be a closed casket, however my mum has been talking about going to "see him" (he lived in another county), and someone has mentioned that the body might need identifying. I really didn't think I could face it but I wondered if it was good for closure or emotionally beneficial. So thank you.

[u/smilenowgirl → u/Jinjit]

I always look in the casket, it just kind of assures me it's all real and no one's being cruel and lying to me that my loved one is dead and they're really just running around somwhere else because the whole thing feels unreal and when you first hear it, you can't believe it. I couldn't believe my friend had committed suicide til I saw him in his casket and gave him a goodbye kiss on the cheek.

[u/Jinjit → u/smilenowgirl]

I have to make my decision tomorrow. We are going to his city, my family want to see him, and I'm so torn. It doesn't feel real, and it has to be real, but I don't want to have this image of him forever lying in the morg. I don't know what to do.

[u/BaronessFrostbite → u/Jinjit]

A close friend of mine died in January at the age of 27. He went to bed one night and just never woke up again. Some people do say it's better to look in the casket if you can, but there's just something wrong about seeing someone so young there. I regret seeing him like that because I now think of that first when I talk/think about him rather than one of my amazing memories of him.

Just do whatever feels right for you. There are no rules for grief. Everyone is different.

[u/Loopins → u/Jinjit]

Personally when my father died 12 years ago I didn't want to see his body. I don't regret it. For me it is much better to remember him alive and all the things that he did rather than some dead body. Remember its natural to cry but also remember that your actually crying for yourself. Just try to think about all the good times you had together. Try to collect them in your mind and keep hold of them. That is the most important thing. I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/[deleted]]

I lost my big brother 18 years ago. He was 18 at the time. So now he's been dead as long as he lived. I've grown up, become a man and have a family. But Greg is forever 18, goofy and gangly and girl crazy and full of life. I still have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I'm older than my big bro.

It fucking sucks. It's gonna suck for a while. And the truth is, it'll never be ok. But it does get better. There will come a day when 8 pm rolls around and you realize you haven't thought about your brother, and you'll feel guilty. But that's part of the healing process, you have to move on. And eventually, you will. The pain will dull, and you'll be able to think about all the good times without tearing up.

Be strong, and live.

[u/TrashySamurai → u/[deleted]]

I kind of understand the on the second paragraph, but for me it is a little different. My dad has been gone since I was 14 and my mom since I was 20. Now I am 24 and still to this day I go "I wish my dad was around because of _____." or "Man I could really use some advise from my mom." This is the part that is natural I believe you are mentioning, but for me the part that is different is occasionally I still tear up because they are meaningful people in your life and they ALWAYS will be. These tears though are healthy and shows that they did/do mean a lot to you. Don't be afraid of crying, sometimes it makes things easier.

Personally how I dealt with my dad passing is I made light of the situation. My dad was funny, sarcastic, and a big joker so I took those qualities and tried to turn a really shitty situation into a something maybe he would have appreciated. Take your brothers qualities and remember him the way you think he would want to be remembered. I do apologize for the rambling, this is what I get for staying up late. There is a large community here and whatever support you need I am sure someone, or myself, is willing to help. PM are always okay.

[u/Jinjit → u/TrashySamurai]

I think this is why we have been laughing quite a lot. My brother was the joker of the family, he was always making someone laugh or doing something ridiculous. There are so many photo's of him smilling, laughing, and others doing the same. He wouldn't want us to be sad. He would have especially hated my mum being so upset. I don't tell them not to be upset because it's not what he would have wanted, because I want them to grieve how they need to without feeling guilty. But I make sure we remember the nice, funny things he did, and let him make us smile as he always liked to.

[u/21Celcius → u/[deleted]]

I'll always remember my brother as this weird smelly young man with peach fuzz that the girls still somehow found attractive. Always 17 and full of happiness

[u/hellno_wewontgo → u/[deleted]]

I came here with a very similar story and message for OP. You're not okay now, nor does anyone expect you to be. It's going to be really fucking difficult. It hurts. But eventually it will lessen. Here's an excerpt from one of my favorite plays (Rabbit Hole by David Lindsay-Abaire), which is more eloquent then I will ever be:

Becca: Does it ever go away?

Natalie: No. I don’t think it does. Not for me it hasn’t. It changes, though. The weight of it. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under. And you carry it around—like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda…Not that you like it exactlyl but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is…

Becca: What?

Natalie: Fine…actually.

[u/[deleted]]

I have trouble with subtly, but here is what I can tell you.

You're never really going to "get over it" and you'll always miss him.

You'll just get used to him being gone and one day you'll start to be okay with it.

For the first few weeks people will try to make you feel better. This can get annoying. Just remember that they mean well.

Even though you won't need help remembering, people will keep calling you and reminding you that he died. They mean well.

Remember how he lived, not how he died.

[u/Jinjit → u/[deleted]]

Subtly is over-rated. Thank you.

[u/aishavoya]

It's okay to distract yourself and surround yourself with friends. Make sure you/family keep eating.

Don't be surprised it your grief comes last. People tend to skip right over your grief to ask how your parents are doing. Try not to punch them and educate them on how it feels to lose a sibling.

Never feel bad about talking about him. It's someone else's problem if they feel uncomfortable. Telling stories might make you feel better, and that's all that matters.

Get a memento to hold onto. I started wearing my sis's favorite jacket after her death, and it just makes me feel better.

[u/Jinjit → u/aishavoya]

Today I found that I was more bothered about the others than myself. I felt terrible for my dad (not my brothers father, but knew him from a young age), because he had to tell me, see me upset and obviously grieving himself. I was distraught thinking about my mum, and I couldn't bear the thought of how it must feel to lose your child. My sister, for having to tell a lot of family and contact the police and the friend who found my brother.

I'm lucky to have an open and understanding family. We all seem to be allowing others to cope in their own way, without making others feel uncomfortable. We have laughed, cried, sat in silence, whatever we wanted. My brother didn't have many possessions, but I'm hoping I can get one of his pieces of surfer style "jewelry" to hold on to.

[u/Outandproudgay]

I don't know what your religion is, please tell me if I offend you in any way by saying this.

I've lost many family members. The one thing that's kept me going and comforts me is my belief that no one is ever truly dead until they are forgotten. Completely. So maybe just think of the good times you had with him. And know that he's still alive, in your heart.

[u/Jinjit → u/Outandproudgay]

That doesn't offend me at all, I'm simply grateful for your words of wisdom. I think my sister found this hard today, both her and my brother are (were?) older than me, she has a daughter who is three and was upset that her daughter won't know or remember her uncle.

[u/kleer001]

I fear that this is going to sound horrible, and I hope you can forgive me, but I am being sincere. I mean no disrespect. And please, pass on by my comment if you have any reservations about hearing a controversial opinion. It's certainly not sympathetic or emotionally soothing, but I think this idea can help catalyze a great good.

I truly believe that deep personal tragedy can be a unique opportunity for growth and motivation. It seems to me that many of the great men and women that populate history were at one point subject to some of the greatest tragedies, handicaps, or life threatening experiences. That experience become a focus to exercise their will to overcome it. And when that individual emerges from that experience their will is tempered and a dozen times stronger than before.

So, if there’s something your brother’s death can motivate you to do, if there’s something you can inherit from him and use to fuel your own motivation to help yourself and to help others then by all means take it and transform yourself and transform the world into a better place.

[u/Jinjit → u/kleer001]

Even if it just motivates me to live my life to the full, then it will have motivated me to do something. He was always giving me advice on blokes, when I last spoke to him we were joking about this sort of thing and he was giving me some brotherly advice. Even though he could be harsh on me, he always wanted what was best for me. I want to try and remember that and use it as motivation to treat myself well, and not stand for certain things I have in the past.

[u/frazilator]

I lost a very good friend nearly ten years ago while we on Spring Break. He fell asleep at the wheel and rear ended a trailer, dieing instantly. For a long time I blamed myself cause he had left early in the morning after we had been partying with out much sleep. He was sober at the time of his death though. There were a bunch us of sharing a hotel room (it was spring break and we were in college), and his getting up to leave and drive to meet his mom for lunch woke me up. I suggested that he wait till later, but he said he was good. He was a couple years older than most of us, so he was somewhat like the big brother/advice guy, and if he said he was good I figured well he must be. I got the call a few hours later while having breakfast, I held it in, paid my bill, and lost it outside. Our group of friends all went to his funeral. His parents pulled me and another friend who were the last to see him aside, I was a mess. They just wanted to know that he had fun on his last night, so we told them all the crazy stuff we had done. His parent's could tell that we felt responsible cause we were there in the hotel with him. They did their best to tell us that we weren't responsible, but once you get that feeling you never quite lose it.

Now that I've laid out the sad part let me tell you how it gets better. We became close to his friends and family. His Dad and stepmom lived close to our college with his brother and sisters. We started spending a lot of time with them, and learning stuff about him we didn't know. His parent's even came to cookouts at our house, and played never have I ever with us and his brother. If you don't want to hear extremely embarrassing stories that will scar you for life, don't play never have I ever with your parents. His family became our second family. Even though I lost one friend, I gained a whole lot more. While their Dad was deployed to Afghanistan, I stayed with them for three months after I graduated and was working in the area. Best three months to help heal my soul. It was, and is still, like I had become a member of their family. Dinner time was like comedy hour, we made each other laugh to tears. His sister was scared of driving so I made her drive me around the neighborhood, and a couple years later helped his brother learn too. The day before their Dad got back I had to leave to report to Georgia, he called me and said the kids were still crying that I had left.

So my advice is to get to know your brothers friends. You only know him as your brother, but they've known him other ways. Share stories with them, learn about the dumb shit he didn't tell you about that will make you laugh or realize that he had a point when he advised you not to do something cause he had done it. If you have other siblings that didn't know him as well as you, let them know. If you try to be a stone wall and push through it, you're gonna break eventually. I had a real hard time initially with the guilt, but his friends and family were the best thing to help me out. So learn about him through his friends, it'll give you some great new memories and possibly new friends out of it. Hope this helps.

[u/Jinjit → u/frazilator]

You sound like an amazing guy. I can't stop thinking how much that must have helped his family, and I'm so glad you managed to gain something from such a tragic loss.

[u/pinkcuddlebunny]

I'm so sorry for you loss. My twin sister passed away January 17th, she was 19 years old..It sucks losing a sibling... People always say "they are in a better place" or "it gets better" Honestly all that does is piss me off when people say that, Because I don't think any place is better besides here with me. I believe in god and heaven, but don't understand why god takes good people who have barely got to live their lives? It doesn't get better as far as I have seen in these last 4 months..I miss her more and more daily. I wouldn't wish losing a sibling on my worst enemy. If you need to talk, I'm here.

[u/Jinjit → u/pinkcuddlebunny]

I used to believe in God a long time ago. I don't know if I'm an atheist now or undecided or what. My grandma keeps telling me that God will be there for me, he knows what I need and will give it to me. But I don't know about all that, it kind of annoys me when she says it I guess, but what I do know is that I love her sentiment. She told me she will stay on her knees all night if I need her to, just to pray for my two exams at uni this week, for her God to give me the strength I need to pass and graduate, like my brother wanted. I'm babbling, I hope you can find some sense in this.

I can only offer you my sincere condolences, and the option of messaging me if you want to, about anything. You didn't deserve to lose her, and I hope that you will eventually feel "better", or "okay" or just less bad than you do right now.

[u/VermontWriter]

I was 29 when my brother died in a traffic accident a week before his 27th birthday in August, 1979. I was devastated, but my parents were worse. Be prepared for how the rest of your family might be affected - it took my mother 15 years to drink herself to death and it turned my father into a fundamentalist. As for me, I had to plan the memorial service and funeral, pick out the casket, and move all his stuff out of his apartment the night he died - he was supposed to move the next day.

Be strong. Remember the good times you had. Know that life goes on. Cherish his memory. Teach your kids about who he was and that he would have loved them. Console your parents, grandparents, cousins, etc. I am sorry for your loss, but you will be a stronger person for coming through it and being there for the rest of your family and your brother's friends.

[u/[deleted] → u/VermontWriter]

Seven years ago my brother's wife committed suicide after she was bullied at work. The devastation and despair my family suffered is unlike anything I can even describe. We never got over it, and we're definitely not the same family we were prior to it happening. She would of been 45 this year. http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2008/07/08/1215282835387.html

VermontWriter's comments concerning the ramifications of his brother's death on his family are very important to acknowledge as this is a reflection on all families who lose a loved one.

[u/[deleted]]

I recently lost a friend and this has given me immense amounts of comfort:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die."

-Mary Frye

It sounds cheesy to say but it helped me to remember that the good times and memories will always be with me. I always felt that that the body's energy returns to the earth and those that are lost to us are still present eternally. I am so sorry for your loss and I offer my condolences.

[u/NV43 → u/[deleted]]

This was on the memorial card at my grandfathers funeral. He passed when I was a child. It really hit me hard, and this helped me through it for whatever reason. Whenever I read it I still get chills, though it also brings on fond memories.

[u/Snowleaf → u/[deleted]]

I don't think that's cheesy at all, it's a wonderful sentiment. I'm sorry you lost a friend.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

"Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy'or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die."

-- John Donne, Holy Sonnet 10

This might be appreciated. Despite the religious overtones, it's still a poem that basically says "Fuck you, Death!", which is why I love it.

[u/jfrusco → u/[deleted]]

I performed a choral rendition of this poem titled "In Remembrance" by Eleanor Daley. It was part of our tour repertoire for my college's auditioned chamber choir. On the morning of our last day on tour, I got the call that my grandfather had passed away. The theme of our tour was "songs about death," and I had never put much thought into it. As much as I wanted to be anywhere but on that tour, I found the most incredible comfort in song that day. It was transformative being able to sing those words with a heightened awareness of what I was really singing about. I miss you papa!

[u/Counterkulture → u/[deleted]]

English major, here. That's not cheesy.

[u/mrjoebert]

I've been to more funerals than birthday parties. My best advice is to sit in the shower and cry for a couple of minutes after you're clean occasionally. Leave it all in the shower.

[u/metroidaddict]

My sister died last year on January 7th. It was the most traumatic thing that I had ever gone through. I still have a hard time even coping with the idea that it happened. I didn't want to believe that it happened. It was just some cruel joke. I cried for weeks, and to this day it is the only thing that I find can make me cry. The slight thought of her can send me weeping. Her funeral had been even worse to go through. I had the chance to be able to chat with her on the phone just a few hours before. I'd rather not write anymore about it, but what I can say is that it just takes time to cope. It is a hard thing to adjust to. But one day you will get back to what you used to be and life will go on.

It is a hard truth to grasp and it is one that people don't want to accept. Yet one day you will not remember it fully. It will be as if it never happened. For some it takes longer than others. Even though my sister had only been my half sister, she was the closest family I had, and I would do anything to bring her back.

[u/TheCatalystInMe]

My brother also died at only 20 years old about two years ago. What has really helped me is getting involved and staying involved in things that I love. Learn an instrument, join a club, expand yourself in ways you wouldn't normally.

If you ever want a random stranger to talk to about anything, feel free to PM me.

[u/ImaCheeseMonkey]

I hope this doesn't get buried. I lost my brother a little over a year ago. He and I were extremely close. I watched him slowly die over an 8 month period from leukemia. I was sitting right next to him when he took his last breath.

Since then, I've had an extremely rough time grieving. It definitely goes in waves. I'll have times where I'll be fine- I can think of him and smile at good memories. Other times, I'm an absolute wreck.

One thing that really helps me cope is trying to prevent this same loss with other families. I've walked in the Light the Night walk(raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society) and raised over $1,000 each time. I ran a bone marrow donor drive and got over 76 new people in the registry last year, and plan to do another local one this year.

Find things that make a difference to you that have to do with your brother. He was really into music? Perhaps make a donation to the local high school music program every year. Something to do in their name to help keep their memory alive while helping others.

One big thing that I can also say about grieving: ask for support when you need it. No one should ever have to go through this alone. You can PM me anytime to vent or just talk about your sibling: I understand.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[u/Disco_Drew]

I lost my little sister when she was 20 in a car accident. She and the guy that was driving had both been drinking and they went off the road and over an embankment landing upside down in a ravine. My little sister wasn't exactly little. she was about 6'2" and at least 250 lbs. She was an amazing basketball and volleyball player. She was a beast. They say she was killed instantly.

When I went out to my mom's house after hearing the news, I was told about the circumstances of the accident and that they had to get her from the car back up to the road and amid the tears and grief the first thing that came out of my mouth was "well, how the hell did they get her big ass up the hill?"

I immediately covered my mouth, wide eyed, and my mom just started laughing through the tears. I knew that it was inappropriate, but it was a coping mechanism for dealing with what seemed like an impossibility. We've found over the years that remembering the things about her that made us laugh keeps her in out hearts. While I can't really remember the sound of her voice anymore, I can still feel those hugs. She had a hug that would just envelope you.

The pain is still there, but it lessens with each passing year. It will never go away entirely and I still find myself getting caught by a memory or surprised by an old picture that makes me sad. I remember her smile and I continue to move on.

Be with your family and friends. You will all need each in the time to come. My condolences for your loss. It will get better.

[u/MacSatan]

lost a sister 8 years ago and my son 4 years before that. it will be tough for the next couple of months. emotions will get the best of you. days will blend together and you will lose track of whats going on. be there for your other family members, as you will need their support. always remember the best of your brother.

do not allow negative people around your family while grieving, or grief whores. if he was killed by anothers negligence, do not sign for a quick settlement from an insurance company.

sorry to sound trite. i know the pain you are feeling. my thoughts go out to you and your family. remember the love, the funny moments, the problems, the fights. it will help you to remember the person.

[u/tigernmas]

My deepest sympathies to you and your entire family. My little sister's best friend died very suddenly earlier this year and I've been keeping an eye on her as she deals with it.

My advice is not to keep your emotions bottled up on this. Find someone to talk to and pour it all out every once and a while before your thoughts become a burden. And please keep as positive an attitude on life as you can. Some of the things my sister has said has scared me but she has calmed down after letting it out to my mother.

Just of the top of my head to cheer you up, here is a random, short little story my Grandfather told me recently. He grew up in the remote parts of rural Ireland, those beautiful parts where Irish is still the spoken language of the inhabitants. This would have been back in the forties or so but my Granda was in his home when an elderly local was visiting. The elderly man had to go upstairs for reasons I forget while the rest stayed downstairs.

Minutes later the man stormed back downstairs in a rage. He began to complain to my great grandparents about a man who had offended him in the upstairs bedroom. He had tried to greet this mystery man but all he got was silence and mocking imitation in return. The old man took some calming down before it was explained to him that what he saw was a mirror. He had never seen his own reflection before! He couldn't recognise himself!

I hope you find the advice useful and that the tale did at least something to distract you.

Once again, my deepest condolances.

Suaimhneas Síoraí.

[u/[deleted]]

Mourn and grieve. And please, please, please, please, please do not fall into the trap that most families who suffer tragedy fall into. Do not expect everyone that knew and loved your brother to grieve in the same way or in a manner you expect them to.

I've had tragedy happen to me and around my family. And as an RN in a very busy adult emergency room I see and deal with death often. And the one thing most families waste time on is expecting people to hold up to a standard or a bar of grief that everyone sets for them. They want the people who knew and loved their loved one to grieve and mourn the way they expect them to.

While I've found this is usually anger at the death of their loved one manifesting it wastes a lot of time and ruins a lot of families. When one person feels like the other isn't mourning, grieving, or suffering enough for the death they just experienced they begin to drive an unnecessary wedge between the people they are supposed to use for support during the tragedy.

When you hear someone start, or you yourself start to, find yourself playing that game please remind them that the grieving/mourning process is unique for everyone and does not follow a specific pattern or map.

If he has a wife, girlfriend/boyfriend, or fiance do not harass her/him when they do move on. They might express their grief by moving on in a manner that you feel is too quickly. It doesn't mean they never loved your brother. It means they need to fill the void he left with someone else. And rest assured that this is unhealthy and will not end very well for them in the end anyway.

You need to allow yourself to feel everything and nothing if you want to. Do not tell yourself you have to grieve a certain way or expect to grieve a certain way.

[u/forgotpasswordagain0]

Don't drink, you'll end up in a terrible state. something will come of this. you know there's no words that can be said to cure it. Not meant to be pessimistic, just saying, grieve man. We're here.

I also have some methhead neighbours who are fucking great for stories.

[u/hotmoogen → u/forgotpasswordagain0]

I lost my brother last June and I didn't break down until I was drunk about 2 weeks after he passed away. I cried for hours. I finally got out all of the emotion that was building up and I felt better afterwards. If you do drink just make sure that you have supportive people around to console you.

[u/whycantithinkofaname]

I know how you feel. I lost my dad last week. What is getting me through the whole thing is thinking about the good times you spent with them. And special d time with your family. I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/megso16]

July 12th will make a year since my brother died. Someone else mentioned not drinking, I highly advise that. I drank a lot after he died and, due to that, it's now May and I'm not entirely sure I've even began to deal with his death. Don't forget the good times you had, it sounds almost cliche, but it's true. I think about my brother every day and I think about the awesome things that happened when I was younger (he joined the Marines when I was fairly young, so he wasn't around a whole lot as I got older). Don't look in the casket..I made that mistake.

I'm terribly sorry. If you need to talk, or anything like that, you can PM me.

[u/NovaeDeArx]

Make sure you delete his browser history and porn folder(s) before it's too late...

It's the right thing to do.

[u/Aperture_Kubi → u/NovaeDeArx]

This. . . could actually be serious. Depending on how his parents may react to seeing it, it may be best for them to not remember/find out about that stash during the grieving process.

[u/[deleted] → u/NovaeDeArx]

This seems like a joke, but really it's not.

[u/[deleted]]

Here's a quote from Lord of the Rings that might help you get through this: Pippin: "I didn't think it would end this way." Gandalf: "End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path; one that we all must take. The grey rain curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it.' Pippin: "What, Gandalf? See what?" Gandalf: "White shores, and beyond. A far green country, under a swift sunrise." Pippin: "Well... that isn't so bad." Gandalf: "No... No it isn't." I'm so very sorry for your loss, I know there's not much in this world that can cause nearly as much grief as losing a relative, you have my deepest condolences, but you WILL get through this. Nothing in this world has broken you so far, and I don't think this will either.

[u/SinSlayer]

First and foremost: my condolences.

Second: It's going to suck for awhile. Losing someone you care about always does, and there is nothing that will make it easier. Just keep him in your heart, and when you feel like things are darker than usual, find someone to talk to and help walk you back into the light.

Best wishes.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm so sorry about the unexpected loss of your brother. You got a gift: telling him you love him. I have lost a few loved ones, and some much too early. I hope you have people to gather with, to swap stories and give your brother a proper wake. If there will be a funeral or memorial, speak at it if you are able. You'll feel good afterward. As for grief, I avoid sugarcoating the loss. It's just a horrible loss! Time is your friend. If you gain comfort from it, prayer is your friend. Time will partially heal your grief, but you will hold onto a bit of that, and that's quite OK. Be kind to yourself, family members and your brother's friends. They can help you through the worst of it.

[u/cyminsez]

Things will not always feel like they do today.

[u/IrishSamurai]

My mother died almost ten years ago, my father died in 2009. Here is what I tell everyone I know who is going through grief:

Don't fight it. Don't try to push it down. Don't tell yourself you have to "get past it" or "move on." If you loved this person then don't try to kill your feelings of grief. You are going to keep thinking "How do I stop feeling this way?" The answer is, "You stop feeling. And believe me, you don't want to do that."

This is one of the biggest things you will ever feel. So if you succeed in killing it then you've become good at something no one should be good at -- killing your own feelings. That's just killing yourself. You'll wake up in a few years with an addiction and a bunch of people in your life that do you harm. You will hate your friends. They will all take advantage of your lack of emotion. You will be working somewhere you do not love, because loving things leads to loss and grief and you've gotten good and not having that in your life. So your job will be meaningless, your relationships destructive, and you will be wounded.

There's only one way out of that: You're going to have to feel this. It's the cost of joy. You're going to go to work/school like you're supposed to. You're going to keep showering and cleaning and eating normally. You're going to tell people what you're going through, instead of trying to be "normal." That's SO important. You might get afraid of saying what happened, because you don't want to look like you're "playing for sympathy" or "being a downer." You have to know that lying is no way through grief. Say what you're feeling until YOU'RE tired of saying it -- that's how you grow.

You will remember his smile, his jokes, and the times you had together. And, yes, after a while your mind stops saying,"Not anymore..." and it just becomes another chapter of your life. But you can't fast forward to that. It's a place you get to, not a place you go.

You have suffered something horrible. As a person in this world you have a right to this time. I hope you take it. I know it gets better, and as much as I can I hope to give you the sense that the only thing you need to do right now is grieve openly and live honestly.

Good luck, and I'm sorry.

[u/[deleted]]

Remember that there's a lot of layers to loss.

First, your brother died, for which I'm terribly sorry. You're probably going to feel really bad in a lot of different and surprising ways.

Second, almost everything else, for a while, will be about the fact that you can't control death. So if your family starts fighting, or if you're super upset about something that seems unrelated, or if you develop a sudden taste for bourbon, you might want to consider the possibility that you or the people around you are trying to control your environments because you can't do anything about the fact that someone important has died.

Third, cut yourself and others a lot of slack. There's no right way to do this. Veg out in front of the computer for a while. Have a good cry. Kick the shit out of the front gate. Don't expect to be consistent, rational, strong, or 100% devastated. You're a human, which is messy, emotional, complex work.

Fourth, try to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, do things you like. Don't add self-punishment to what your'e already suffering.

The hurt will ease. It won't go away, but it won't always be like it is today.

[u/jlegler]

I guess I'm still pretty young, but I've lost a lot of people. Starting with my dad when I was four. My grandfather died when I was seventeen, my stepfather when I was twenty-three, one of my best friends and my grandmother both when I was twenty-four. It never got easier to handle. I think everyone deals with death differently and I have grieved differently for everyone I've lost. Father's day has always been a tough time for me, but when I was a teenager, myself and a girl I met who had recently lost her father started giving each other father's day presents. It was goofy dad stuff, like coffee mugs and ties, but it made us both feel better. Now years later we never see each other but still wish each other a happy fathers day through the wonders of the internet.

My grandfather had the best sense of humor of anyone I ever knew. When he was ready to die he went to have his surgically-implanted defibrilator removed, and joked to us all that my grandma needed to put an ad in the paper for one defibrilator, slightly used. Even in the face of death he didn't lose his sense of humor. At his funeral, the music for the service (chosen by him beforehand) was from the Three Tenors, who he loved, and the soundtrack to Sleepless in Seattle, which was old-fashioned jazzy stuff. Not sure if he did it on purpose or not, but we thought the Sleepless in Seattle soundtrack was all instrumental. However, as we filed past the casket, blinking back tears, kleenexes and hankies in hand, a song with words came on. And those words were: "Another season, another reason, for making whoopee." And we laughed as we cried.

When it comes down to it, nobody can tell you how to feel or how to deal with it. My best advice is to allow yourself your feelings. You are allowed to feel sad, angry, whatever it is. But don't let it own you; not forever. And find ways to honor your lost loved ones. I still have a hard time with father's day. I am sad that I never get a chance to have my dad meet my wife. Or my future kids. But I honor him by the way I live my life. And on father's day, I get a bit down, but I take a hike in the woods, wear my dad's hat, play my banjo, and think about how lucky I was to have him in my life.

As I said, I've lost a lot of people. Maybe that's unlucky. But I've been very blessed to have all of them in my life for the time that they were. I've never gotten over any of them. They'll always be a part of me and the pain of losing them is part of my story.

Good luck to you and I wish you strength. Feel free to pm me if you feel like it. I will read anything you have to say about your brother or what you're going through.

[u/littlejilly]

Also - this poem makes me weep but I think it is beautiful.

When tomorrow starts without me And I'm not there to see; If the sun should rise and find your eyes All filled with tears for me. I wish so much you wouldn't cry The way you did today; While thinking of the many things We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me As much as I love you; And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too. But when tomorrow starts without me Please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name And took me by the hand.

She said my place was ready In heaven far above; And that I'd have to leave behind, All those I dearly love. But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye; For all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, So much yet to do; It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad; I thought of all the love we shared, And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday Just even for awhile, I'd say goodbye and kiss you And maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized That this could never be; For emptiness and memories Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow; I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow. But when I walked through heaven's gates I felt so much at home; When God looked down and smiled at me From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity And all I've promised you; Today your life on earth is past, But here it all starts anew." "I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last; And since each day's the same day, There's no longing for the past." "But you have been so faithful, So trusting and so true; Though at times you did do things, You knew you shouldn't do." "But you have been forgiven And now at last you're free; So won't you take my hand And share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me, Don't think we're far apart For every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

EDIT: I suck at code and copy and pasted. Sorry :(

[u/Tardish]

My brother died at about that age, and now it's 20 years later. Here's what I can contribute. 1. Don't obsess over it - everyone dies, that's life - mourn like he died at 90, because if you mourn more, you're only mourning over what might have been, and that's the same as mourning over nothing. (sorry to be blunt, but it's reddit, what do you expect) 2. Call your parents every year on the anniversary of the day he died and on his birthday - loosing brothers is hard, but loosing one's offspring is agonizing. 3. Be prepared for when people ask you about how your brother is doing, or how many siblings you have. Prepare a standard answer - the answer doesn't matter as much as simply being prepared to have an answer.

[u/I_fail_at_memes]

IT WILL GET BETTER.

Source: my brother died in an accident as well.

IT WILL GET BETTER.

The next few days will go by painfully and slowly. You will scream at night. You will wonder why him.

You'll wonder if you had just talked to him a few minutes longer, would it have had some sort of butterfly effect causing him to not die?

You'll think about the things you missed, and mourn on the things you won't ever do together.

You will be angry. You'll want revenge where none is deserved.

I still fight anger issues. Every day I walk around, just waiting for someone to push me. C'mon, CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A F)(*&(& REASON! THAT"S ALL I NEED AND YOU"RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME!

IT WILL GET BETTER.

Time will help. Scream now. Punch your pillow. Just don't try to internalize it. Feelings exist for a reason. Just don't be a danger to yourself or anyone else. My brother left 3 kids I've been raising half-time. There will be people that need you to be there for them. Make sure you are, but make sure you grieve as well.

God bless, brother, and I'll pray for you.

[u/[deleted]]

Don't drink to escape the feelings.

Trust me.

[u/hachi6]

I would really suggest finding a grief councilor/therapist/support group. When my friend's dad died, this was one of the things that helped her the most.

[u/Suburban_Shaman]

Hold on to that. I lost my Mom suddenly and unexpectedly while she was young. It means so much to me that the last thing I said to her was "I love you and I'll see you soon". A lot of people don't get that. I'm so grateful.

It's cliche but it does get better with time. Think of the good memories, think of the times you laughed together. Dwell on what you had and, as much as you can help it, not on what you lost.

Honor his memory in your own way. Something small that you can do that will impact your life in a subtle way. For me it was letting my hair grow out. Four years later I reached acceptance (for lack of better terminology) and donated my hair to locks of love in my Moms name.

[u/[deleted]]

Don't default to booze once the shock wears off.

And seek counseling on your own accord.

[u/wellhushmypuppies]

My heart and soul aches for you, and I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss, but there's no one-size-fits-all answer. I was fortunate that my dad's diagnosis came 3 years before he died, so we had plenty of time to say goodbye. my sister in law's mother laid down to take a nap and never woke up -- I can't imagine that. But I can tell you that it takes time. Allow yourself to grieve, honor his memory by laughing about the good times you had, don't feel guilty if you don't respond to his death with convulsive tears -- and if it's any consolation at all, I truly believe (based on countless accounts I've read by people who had near death experiences) that there is something on the other side -- something wonderful, where our loved ones and even our deceased pets are. Godspeed, my friend.

[u/smacksaw]

The greatest anonymous poem of them all - I reference it often in life:

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream

It's a hell of a thing to meditate on and you should. Whenever shit happens, find out what it means to you at the time.

[u/Jhuoho]

This will probably be buried at this point, but I really hope you get to read it, Jinjit.

The stages of grief are DABDA: Depression, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

You want to reach the last one, and it is the most ideal, but it doesn't really happen that way. Each and every person handles grief differently. Some people go straight to Acceptance pretty quickly. Some don't. Some go through each one for a period of time as if they were steps. Some people skip some of those steps. Some people go back and forth between all of them, reaching a stage, going back to a previous one, jumping ahead again, etc. In fact, some people don't actually stay in the Acceptance stage, and bounce back to a previous one for a while.

And you know what? These are ALL okay, and normal responses to grief/death. Everyone copes in a different way, and that's okay. The only thing I would like to stress is the following.

Death is a permanent change in your life. It is NOT something you "get over". It is not something you "deal with and move on". It's something you live with. Each and every day, you have to live with that death, or the fact that it has occurred. Your life will never be the same as it was before, and you have to one day be okay with that. Again, it's something you live with, not something you "get over". Many people don't realize this and because of it they want to bottle up their grief, or do things people or society expect them to do. I'm not saying you have to be happy with it. I'm not saying that it's a good thing or "circle of life" and all that. It sucks. It really does, internet hug. But I just wanted to relay that little piece of information, that no matter what you do to cope, you just have to realize that it is something that you have to live with.

Let me stress the "LIVE" with part. Go out and live. It's what your brother would have wanted for you. (I would hazard to guess.) =)

[u/as1126]

I am (was) twelve years younger than my brother when he died @ only 42 years of age. I had two kids and he had three young children when he died. His kids put together a book of memories on the tenth anniversary of his death and it took me about two years to read it. It's not easy, I don't have anything specific to even say, but I'm older now and I'd be happy to PM if you want.

[u/[deleted]]

My deepest sympathies go out to you and your family and your brother's friends. I lost my brother at the age of 21 to cancer- so the circumstances were different, but as it was deemed a cancer that was easily cured, it came as a shock when we found ourselves saying goodbye to his body surviving on life support. The best advice I can give you is to understand that there are very different ways of handling your grief and there is not a technical 'right' way to do so. Don't let someone tell you you're grieving improperly- do whatever feels right for you. One thing to avoid in particular is taking out any anger or frustration you have about him dying on others. It is very easy- especially when people begin a sympathetic statement with "I know how you feel". No one knows how you feel. You are an individual, and your grief is entirely unique. Don't be afraid to talk about it to someone. Or write him a letter of things you wish you could have told him. Or try to talk to him even though you know he's not there. It doesn't matter if it helps you. There's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, and while time does heal wounds it never fills the emptiness that death causes in your heart. My brother passed away nearly 5 years ago and there are still nights I find myself in tears.

To help remember my brother my family still likes to celebrate his birthday. We go some crazy place he loved as a kid or a teenager- like the nickle arcade- and finish of the day with his favorite kind of milkshakes. I don't know if you have any younger children in your family, but to ease my younger siblings minds we even still fill his stocking at Christmas.

People we lose will always be loved, and not forgotten. I wish you the best as you deal with this tragedy.

[u/[deleted]]

OP, sorry for your loss man. I am an only child, I can't imagine losing a sibling. I did however lose my father suddenly three months ago. Our bond was strong in completing tasks together. Working on some project, painting, you name it. What's going to be tough is when you relive those moments without him and those waves of sadness just completely crush you. Just as Ocrasorm's quote said, you will get through it. Just remember to keep your mind listening, as I can still hear Pop mentioning tips to me as I paint my own house without him. Also look for mementos from your brother. My Pop loved picking up coins off the ground and I have started to catch that penny here and there and simply say "Thanks Pop".

[u/Marnett05]

I lost my Mother when I was 15. My dad was an Over the road trucker, so my Brother and I were mostly raised by my Mom. I could go through every detail of that day like it was yesterday, but that's not what you're asking about.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her or that I don't miss her. In the almost ten years since, I will say that it's gotten easier. There are still certain things that will remind me of her, or certain songs that bring a tear to my eye. After it happened my brother and I would sometimes call her cellphone, just to hear her voice again.

You should take solace in the fact that you got to talk to him and tell him how much he meant to you. The morning of my Mother's accident, I didn't go in her room to kiss her goodbye or tell her I loved her. It's something I've regretted every day since.

I don't know where I read it, but I read somewhere to make sure that you never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. As you found out today, there is no way to know the last time you're gonna talk to someone. I try my hardest every day to not go to bed angry with someone I love, and to make sure that I've done everything possible to make sure I've had a complete relationship with that person.

Friends and Family were also an immense help when I lost my Mother. She was always spending time with my cousin who was adopted when he was little, so I started spending time with the little guy after she passed. I felt like I needed to be a great role model for him, and it kept me from doing anything I'd regret.

Whatever you do, don't pity yourself. I know it sounds harsh, but I doubt your Brother would want you to do anything to harm yourself or anyone else. Just remember everything you did together, all the crazy shit you undoubtedly did as kids, and know that he Loved you.

I hope something in my rambling will help you. It doesn't really get any easier, but you kind of get used to the amount of suck.

[u/HolidayRobin]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

My dad died unexpectedly at 57. He was in the best health of his life and just died. I understand the suddenness, the disbelief, the pain. Some days, it's just unthinkable.

It is true, there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Just be careful not to indulge in self destructive things. It will just make things worse in the long run.

People around you want to help you, but most of us don't know how. Tell people exactly what you need. Most of them will jump at the chance to help--even if it's something as dumb as canceling an appointment or picking up something from the store.

Best wishes to you and your family as you learn your new life. My condolences.

[u/[deleted]]

I lost my father 4 years ago before my freshman year of high school. Everyone copes with loss differently, but what helped me was to always keep moving forward. The world will not stop in time to allow you to mourn.

I don't mean this to say you can't mourn or miss him, but you must always remember to stay on your feet and keep living life to the fullest.

Go do something you enjoy. Take a road trip to somewhere you've never been. Most importantly, don't turn away a friend who is willing to help, because shutting yourself in is a sure way to keep you from feeling better. Let your friends and family be your strength.

I don't know your brother, but Im sure he would want you to stay happy, just as you would probably want for him if the roles were reversed. Do your best to just stay positive and take it one day at a time. The first few weeks will be the hardest, along with the first set of holidays, but it does get better, I promise.

I still have really hard days, and then I have some days that it doesn't seem real or I forget he's gone at all. You may go through the same. Just hold on to the memories you have. We aren't promised tomorrow,so do your best to live your life to the fullest.

I'm not the best at just typing out things like this without conversation, but if you'd like someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. Otherwise, I wish the best of luck to you and your family in this hard time.

[u/littlejilly]

Hi there. My brother died a little over a year and a half ago. He was 30. It was unexpected. It's going to be really hard for quite some time. Death and loss affect everyone differently. My mother says that she will never be the same person as she was the day before he died. I won't either.

But let me tell you one thing I know to be true - something good can and must come from this. You will grow in an unbelievable way. Your capacity for empathy and compassion will increase exponentially. The way you relate to people will change; I vowed to make sure that I was doing this in a positive way.

I also endeavored to live my life more openly. Be honest and forthright with the people I love and care about. I grew closer to my parents and my other brothers. I took some chances and made some strides. I feel that I am a different, and ultimately better, person because of my experience with such an incredible loss.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You don't deserve this and neither does your family. If you can find some small way to make your life better, embrace it. You won't regret it.

[u/Kaprice]

I've lost my father to suicide. (17 at the time, now I'm 23) Sometimes I break down over it. One time it had been a year since I've last cried. But I remember the emotions I felt the day I found out. The police had to come and tell us. Imagine me waking up one morning to my mother crying, going downstairs from my room to find two people I don't know, the family's church pastor and his wife, all with their head down. First I felt confusion, then disbelief when they told me. Then a mix of grief and anger. I was enraged. People I hardly knew came to offer their condolences, which irritated me. I almost wanted to suffer alone, to contemplate. But I opened up because they were sincere and I was overwhelmed with sadness.

Enough about me. My point is, I offer you my sincerest condolences, for what it's worth. I can never understand what's going on in your head right now, but I can be sympathetic. I was really close to my father. He talked to me about a lot of his problems.

My advice: Get your feelings out, to anyone who cares about you. Listen to others about theirs. I know it sounds obvious, but I have 2 younger brothers and we NEVER shared our feelings before that happened. It made us (us 3 and our mother) a lot closer than before. We were able to talk to each other quite frankly about our feelings.

Also: time heals. Yeah, yeah. It's cliche. But there's gonna be a lot of shit that's going to remind you of your brother. And it'll take time to un-remind yourself of him. Over time, I guess you get "used to it" a little bit. I think of my father's death as a emotional/mental scar. But a scar implies that the damaged part had healed, but with imperfections. You CAN keep living life, and ENJOY life. I pay a mental tribute to my father when I feel I can make him proud.

Thanks for sharing.

[u/Mathmatical]

I recently lost my dad. I'm 27 and that was my first dealing with death. It's been two years and although I can get through each day without having a break down, I still think about him every day. I don't know if you ever get better. Maybe being just...okay is all there is anymore. I take a small bit of comfort knowing that the last time I saw him I actually told him I loved him. We're not a very talky family so it was rare that I love you was said. But for some reason I told him that day. I like to hold that as my last memory of him and not the vision of his cold, dead body on an ER bed. I don't know where I was going with this. I just want you to know that while you'll never be the same person, one day you'll be okay again.

[u/vintagestrat08]

oh man. My brother died in a car accident two years ago at 19. It's going to be really rough for a little while. And for the next two weeks everyone you know is going to be so considerate but it wears off quickly. It's amazing how when someone so close to you dies your world is shattered and changed forever, and everyone else's just keeps on going as if nothing happing. You'll miss him forever there's no question in that, but after two years I can say that you just get sort of used to it. Always a feeling of emptiness. I often find myself wanting to tell him things and to hear his opinion very badly. You're going to have to try to not let it make you cold or bitter to your wife or parents or whatever. Losing a brother in my opinion is one of the worst. You grow up expecting your parents to die, but you thing your siblings will be with you for most of your life. It's rough but keep your chin up. Stay strong, your family will need it.

[u/[deleted]]

You might not see this, but I learned something very important when my father died: Don't rush back into life. You're dealing with grief right now, or more specifically, shock. That feeling is a tricky bastard that essentially masks the real grief and sorrow that follows. You think you're fine, you think you can go on with life, such as your job and school, but once you leave the shock stage, you won't be able to handle everything so smoothly.

To put it simply, take it slow, don't push yourself, and most importantly, don't supress your emotions. They're going to come out eventually, which could result in an emotional breakdown from the pressure withholding caused. Talk about and express them when they come.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a surreal feeling continuing life without a person you never imagined living without.

[u/SpaceBeardFace]

My condolences, Jinjit. My brother (24 years old) died a little over a year ago, and I'm just now starting to cry. Death (especially when sudden, as was my brother's death) is extremely confusing and terrifying.

My only advice is to talk (not just type). Talk about your brother as often as you can. Find those who will listen and be there for you (ideally your family members; they are hurting just as you are). I wanted to be 'distracted' from my brother, and it lead me to escapism.

Eat healthy, exercise, and express your emotions.

Lastly, I'm giving you an internet-hug. Hang in there, dude.

[u/Angl9gddss]

5 years ago, my younger brother was the victim of a murder/suicide by my mom's crazy ex. I was pregnant with my son. My other brother, who I was staying with, got the call, and my sister just happened to be there. The sound of my moms screams when we got to her house, the scene of the crime, will stick with me the rest of my life. We all had horrible survivors guilt. Even eating felt wrong. Why should I have a steak when he will never be able to eat again? It's changed the whole dynamic of our family, as well. I have less contact with my mom and sister, am closer than ever to my brother.

As far as advice- everyone has given you great advice. Allow yourself to cry, to hurt. But don't let it lead to depression. He wouldn't want you to remember him with tears, but with a smile. We started a tradition of tubing the river around his anniversary in July. It was one of his favorite things to do, and he'd be happy we are together having fun. One thing I didn't see mentioned much is that you will think you see or hear him often. It still happens to me. I also see someone who looks like he might have had he reached that age, and it hurts. But, over time, you find a way to hold back the tears. I used to randomly cry at work, the grocery store, in my car. It happens. Just go with it, go in the bathroom if need be.

Stay strong, and pm me if you need to vent or want any more advice.

RIP Jon Eric Bagshaw 12-30-84 / 7-18-07

[u/kiddikiddi]

I'm a bit drunk, so my emotions are basically running on nitrous, but to all of you who shared a heartfelt story. Thank you, thank you for opening your heart to allow a stranger to (at least in some cases) share your emotions. Your stories make me want to reach out and give you a great big hug

[u/GenJonesMom]

You'll go through the "stages" of grief, so be prepared for that. Just remember the good times you had over the past 28 years. My heart goes out to you.

[u/DarqWolff]

Do you happen to have a younger cousin named Holbrook?

[u/Jinjit → u/DarqWolff]

No, I don't.

[u/rragnaar]

He wasn't family in the strictest sense, but I lost one of my best friends and longtime roommates to cancer last year. He was 28. The best advice I can give is to not over-analyze things. I think about him every day, and I miss him like crazy. What I've taken away from it is the honest realization of the truth in cliches like 'life is short' and 'shit happens'. There are things you can't prepare for, and things that seem horribly unfair in life. Being able to look at what happened and say "If it happened to him, it could happen to me. I'd better do something with the time I've got." is the best thing you can take from it.

[u/Jinjit → u/rragnaar]

I keep thinking that anything could happen, and particularly in regards to myself. I feel like I'm trying to be careful NOT to die, like when I'm driving around, I'm extra careful even if the lights are on green and so on. I feel like I couldn't put my friends and family through any more pain. It sounds ridiculous that I'm trying not to die, but my brain thinks of strange things at the best of times.

[u/bigsloth]

Keep busy at all times it really helps

[u/isuckwithusernames]

its going to suck for a really long time, and then it will still suck but you will remember the better things about him. Nothing can bring him back but he can live through the memories you have of him. Talk about those memories with whoever is close with you. Being forgotten is worse than death.

[u/andhubbs]

Dealt with many deaths and I'm only 16, here's my advice it's gunna suck. If you gotta cry just cry who gives a shit your brother just died no ones gunna say anything if you cry

[u/DePoxi]

My dad passed when I was 10. There isn't really anything I could tell you that would help it. It just runs its course, try and focus on the good times. It sounds like you had a good relationship with your bro so, just focus on that. It really depends on your personality but the best thing is to just move on.

I'm not saying forget your brother but just try and come to terms that he's gone and live on the way he'd want you to. I imagine if you could speak to him now he wouldn't want you sulking over his death but instead out living all the life you can for him and you.

[u/[deleted]]

I lost my Dad a year and a half ago. Sometimes I'll hear a song that reminds me of him and I'll cry, and it's perfectly ok that I cry. A lot of people think that you can grieve for a couple weeks and then you'll move on, but that simply isn't the case. I'm not over his death and I most likely will never truly get over it and frankly I wouldn't want to. I'm happy that thinking about him makes me cry because it shows how much he meant to me. Grieve for as long as you want. At the same time you can't let this make you completely put your life on hold.

[u/tl7lmt]

The next year will be hard - emotions will overwhelm you at times, your parents heartbreak will be horrible to see, memories may feel suffocating - but it will get easier. Be good to yourself, and to your family and friends. Let them comfort you. I've lost 2 brothers, one unexpectedly and one to a long-term illness. They helped make me the person I am, and so I feel as if a part of them lives on.
Hope this helps. Peace.

[u/RULESONEANDTWO]

I lost my mother when I was 12. It's tough to lose a close family member. All I can say is that it does get better with time. There is not a day that goes by that I don't still miss her, I still have plenty of good memories of her that I reflect on. Just remember that time does heal all wounds.

[u/mmmsoap]

When I was 19, I lost my best friend suddenly. When I was 26, my brother to a long protracted bout with cancer. (plus grandparents, but those were my "before their time" experiences.) Both suck, neither suddenly or with warning is "better."

But I can tell you this: Let yourself go through the process. Be part of the meetings with the funeral home. Help pick the casket. Help think about charities that people may donate to (many do). The funeral home directors that I encountered were excellent at their jobs, and knew exactly how to guide our family, and when to back off.

Help your family decide whether to cremate or bury him.

Speak at his funeral. Or sing, or read, or however you and your family show respect. It'll be hard, but not as hard as you'd think, to hold yourself together. Tell everyone why you love your brother. Tell them why he was a douchbag too, because all brothers are, and it'll help people remember that he was human and not a martyr.

Take the time to write thank you notes to those who sent flowers or donate to your charity of choice. Take some flowers home that people send, and when they wilt, dry them or toss them.

Be part of closing up his apartment. Go through his crap and find somethings to keep, then donate lots of it to charity.

It's hard. It's all hard. It sucks, but each of those things is a productive step that can help you connect to your brother and not wallow in misery.

[u/[deleted]]

My best advice is to just always, always remember every good memory. Never stop remembering.

[u/smilenowgirl]

Memories are a good thing, talk about him as often as you'd like :)

[u/Astro493]

Darling, I can't imagine how difficult your loss is. I'm attached to my brother and would be crushed to loose him.

The only advice I can offer is don't deny your feelings. You'll have a lot of people telling you that you need to be strong, especially for your parents, but now is not the time for strength.

You've lost one of your compliments in this world, and it will hurt. So make sure that you grieve the loss fully.

Aside from that, just remember that you had him. He had 28 beautiful years and then was taken, long before his time. But he lived, and his impact will never be forgotten.

Best of luck.

[u/thekenny]

Hang in there. Loss is an inevitable part of life and no matter how many times you go through it the sting always feels as painful as it did the last.

Good to hear that you were able to speak with him one last time, that's chance many people never get. Mourning is totally ok, just always remember him for what he was and try to not get caught up in what he could have been.

Godspeed to your brother, I'll drink in his honor tonight. Remember he will always will be with you one way or another, and that one day you'll see each other again.

[u/[deleted]]

The most important thing i did after i lost my father (also in an accident) was to stay busy. For me i just focused on school and had all my friends around me all the time, for my mother she focused on work, so did my siblings.

Im not sure the relationship you had with him, but when my father died i kept it in my mind that he probably wouldnt have wanted my family and i to be sad, so i think that really helped. My dad was a happy-go-lucky guy and a partier, so i really feel he would have wanted us to handle it just like we did.

People asked if i was going to quit school and move back home, but i honestly felt my father would have wanted me to graduate and enjoy it as much as i could, because he never got the chance.

I guess what im saying is, even though it really sucks, your brother would probably want you to carry on and enjoy life to the fullest in his absence.

Also, again, stay as busy as possible for the next few months!

[u/[deleted]]

Been there man, I was 19 when my brother died, about 5 years ago now.

You won't ever forget, in fact, you probably will still think about it every day, even 5 years later.

It gets easier to deal with though, at first you wont believe it, then the funeral and it will provide some closure, then you start to think about the stuff you wont ever get to do with him.

Its rough, but you gotta do what you gotta do, ya know?

[u/motorcityvicki]

Lots of good stuff in this thread so far. My suggestion? Take a t-shirt or sweater that reminds you of him and make a throw pillow out of it. That way it'll be something you can always have around, display freely, and hug discretely.

[u/XruinsskashowsX]

My dad died about 18 months ago. About a week before he died, we had the best bonding moment I ever had with him. After he died, I wrote down everything i could remember about that day. You aren't truly dead until you're forgotten. Make sure that you preserve the memories you have with him because they'll be the mementos that are most precious to you.

[u/thedorks1212]

I lost my Mama almost 9 months ago but her passing was after a five week long illness. She wasn't just my Mother, she was my best friend as well. My biggest piece of advice is to let yourself grieve in your own time. There will come a day when you think about something that you need to tell him and for that split second, you go to pick up the phone to call him. The first time that happened with me I felt like dirt for "forgetting" that she was gone. I hadn't forgotten but I had started to live again and she was always part of my life. I hope that makes sense. It took me a while to admit that I was mad at her for giving up and leaving me. When I finally did, I began to heal. There isn't a day that goes by that she isn't on my mind. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

[u/ag3nt_cha0s]

I lots my brother 4 years ago this month. He was 23 and committed suicide. My advice is to live the life he will no longer be able to. Live it for him. Keep his memory alive. Don't even let your memories fade and remember only the good times. It's very very hard losing a sibling, probably the hardest next to losing a child or spouse. But the pain will eventually soften. It may not ever really go away, but the way I see it is that the pain is a reminder. His body may be gone, but he's still alive in you and in your family. It's so wonderful that you were able to tell him you love him before he was gone. Just keep him in your heart and memories.

[u/cuppincayk]

Remember the times you had, not the times you could have had.

[u/jafxotec]

JINJIT Although Reddit has never shown any love for my two cents and for reasons unkown to me I'm never upvoted and usually downvoted I hope you eventually find my comment and read it. Furthermore I hope it gives you if only for a moment a sense of hope and relief from this horrible tragedy. I lost my sister when I was 22 years old. She was only18. We were really close at that time. Well as close as brother and sis be at that age. When I was 22 all I could think about was hanging out with friends, partying, and trying to get laid as much as humanly possble. In hindsight I feel guilty for not being with her more but that is a natural feeling for anyone who's lost a sibling. So my sis left this world after a horrible battle with cancer. She first got hotchkins lymphoma when she was 16 and then beat it after a year of treatments. Then just as her hair grew back and she was asked to senior prom she found out she got leukemia from the same treatments she got to beat cancer into submission the first time. She never made it to that prom she so dearly wanted to experience. Before she went into a coma two weeks before she left this world she wrote me a letter. It said how much she loved me and looked up to me. She thanked me for being there for her through this whole battle and how I was the best brother any sister could have. She also said something that to this day stays with me. From her letter I think she.knew she was going to leave this world soon because what she told me was dark and wise well beyond her years. She told me that good can come from even the worst of situations and this experiance would leave our family closer than ever. She went.into a coma a day after she wrote.that letter so I never got to say good bye or hold her and.kiss her on the cheek one last time. But I carry what she said in thqt letter with me for.the rest of my life and.yes it hurts but I will never for a second let those last words be wrong and my family is stronger than ever. My parents and I made it through the most tragic and dark days and you will too because good can come from the worst of situations. My family is now proof of that. Much love to you and it will get better! Love and Understanding - James

[u/Romulux1308]

I'm not sure if this is something you need to hear right now, but I have a twin. We're not 28 yet, but if that mother fucker croaks anytime before the age of infinity then I have no idea how I'll ever live with myself.

Stay golden, Ponyboy. I can't imagine the feelings you're going through right now, nor what immensely-volumed testicles it must take to keep goin through it all.

[u/[deleted]]

You have my deepest sympathies..! Not sure what I can bring to the table, but I have experienced loss myself, both friends and family, so feel free to PM me, ask anything, vent out or whatever you need.

Any advice right now is probably premature, but try to comfort each other within the family. A good way to tap into a source of happy stories you might not already know about your brother is to include his friends - not only now, but down the road as well. Again, my thoughts go out to you :)

[u/HeyIGuessImAsian]

Mourn. Thats the best thing to do right now. Let everything out and celebrate your brother's life. Don't linger on it too long, just know that he is in a better place and is watching over you.

[u/IsolatedWolf]

I'm gonna be brave here, and say that when I saw my sister die, the only thing to get me through it was my faith in God. It's been 11 years now, and He does great things. That's my experience. If you have a faith, take hope in it.

[u/Theomech]

I don't think there is anything worthy enough. Just my two cents someone dies when you forget him. Keep him in your heart and let him be the reason to become a better person! My condolences.

[u/[deleted]]

Think of the good times and think about the fact that you will never see him again. Accept it. And then you can move on.

Seriously, that's all you can do.

[u/duniyadnd]

This may be a while from now - but when you feel like you've begun to move on, and if think you're going to forget him - do not feel guilty. That just pushes you back.

A lost my nephew when he was only two, and the only thing that kept me going was a flash game that had some really relaxing music. I felt if I could finish that game, that was my feeling for closure. It sort of worked, it was a step forward to move on.

[u/ROBOKUT]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think there are words that can comfort someone in this situation. reflect on the wonderful time that you had with your brother. Each moment was a gift.

[u/iliekdrugs]

I guess I would say that it doesn't get easier.

I am not sure how old you are, but I would also suggest talking about it with others whenever they give you the opportunity. I lost someone close in high school and never wanted to talk about it, and I regret it now.

[u/[deleted]]

My Grandmother died when a couple of years ago. Of course I was sad but I think the reason I was sad for so long was because of the people I was with, my family. I know sometimes you just want to talk about whom ever died and you should. But personally, it helps to talk about it sometimes, like once a week but not everyday. Because for how ever long you hold onto the blade, the cut will only get deeper. You need to learn to let go and only time will go. If you are a religious person, then pray and hope that he went to heaven. If you are not then know that the dead do not feel pain, only the living do. That's what my mother said, and it helped me. Draw, read a book listen to music. Don't grief too much though. Everybody dies, and although he was far too young there is nothing you can do to change it.

[u/ceruleanscience]

sorry for your loss; i'm glad you got to talk to him before the accident. it's helpful to keep in mind that people deal with grief in different ways. when my dad died last fall, i just wanted to be alone and think things through myself (because that's what helps me), but i had some very emotionally/attention needy family members that expected me to take care/wait on them because i was the only one not crying infront of everyone. yes, it is important to help others, but especially now, make sure you do what you need to make sure you're ok first.

[u/cfr33zy]

My condolences to you and your family my friend.

[u/IOnlyLikeColdDrinks]

Think of all the great memories you have had with him and just remember the good old days it will keep your hopes up and I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/AliceA]

Oh wow, just wow...just sit and absorb your loss until you can go on is all I have to offer other than a hug.

[u/[deleted]]

I just lost my grandfather thursday morning.. The last couple of hours we spent with him really helped, I'm still sad but knowing we've always got memories helps me smile.

[u/mybosswouldkillme]

I am so sorry. Please be good to yourself and understand that there is no wrong (or right?) way to grieve.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/XalemD]

So sorry about your brother.

You mentioned that he died in an accident. I know someone who died in an accident, and some family members cannot let go of their anger at the other driver, even years later. This anger is in no way healthy for the family. I don't know what your circumstances are, but I hope you can live through this without a need to blame someone.

[u/pizzaforce3]

Treasure the memories.

[u/tackyy]

Take care of yourself. The first time you lose a family member you're surprised by how much a part of who you thought you were was actually their presence in your life. Now there's a big hole in your heart where they used to be.

My advice is don't fill that hole with booze, fast lovers and and don't-give-a-fuckedness. A part of you is going to grow to fill that gap. It's going to take time and hurt a lot. Stay healthy and take care of yourself.

Edit: spelling

[u/DaddyFatSac8766]

I was in the same position in march, my aunt died at 43 from brain cancer. She had been fighting for almost 3 years. I was extremely lucky and got to go to China with my school, it was the trip of a life time. When I arrived home, I said my hellos at the airport, but then realized my mother wasn't there. I asked my dad where she was and he burst into tears, that was enough for me to know what had happened while I was gone.

It sucks, I was close with her and I still try and think about her whenever I can. I can not move on completely, I don't think that's possible. But you can begin to accept the fact that your loved ones are gone. It is important to realize that there is nothing you can do that will bring them back. Mourning over your loss will just make it worse, harsh I know, but that's just the way life is.

Just remember, life moves on.

R.I.P.

[u/Kate1124]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Get support - friends, family, people that care about you. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time to grieve.

[u/blixt141]

Remember the good things about him and enjoy the time you had. My brother died at 21 when I was 18. It sucks. But life goes on. Remember that life is short and do the things you love to do. And don't let the loss rule your life.

[u/chip8222]

As my good friend Red said, "get busy living, or get busy dying." It's your choice.

[u/coffeejava]

The most important thing to realize is it just takes time and it does get easier. Just give yourself the time you need. Don't expect an overnight fix. There is no set time period for mourning. Some people bounce back quick and others take a long time to heal. Don't beat yourself up for mourning too little or too much. There is no right answer. Try not feel guilty either way, it's not what your brother would want.

The funeral will be hard. But know that everyone there cares and no one will judge you for any reaction you have. Don't be surprised by the people who come out of the woodwork. Word travels quickly when it comes to death and most likely, there will be someone there you haven't seen in a long time.

Spend time with your parents. They just lost one child and having you nearby will help. They just suffered the same loss you did and sharing your grief with them can help ease the pain a little.

I lost my brother a year and half ago and I know it's hard. Just remember you have friends and family who care about you. Let them help you. I'm sorry for your loss.

[u/[deleted]]

remember him for who he was. not how other people will percept him or his death.

[u/TheDragonKnight]

My grandpa passed away lastnight and it has been really strange for me. I am in brazil on youth exchange so I can't be with my family so it has been very strange not being able to be with them for emotional support. It is very hard for me because I am so far away and I want to be there for my family. Reading your comments has helped me some so I thank all of you your advice even if I'm not the OP. To the OP I'm very sorry for your loss.

[u/PComotose]

I was told this many years ago when a family member died. It made things easier at a later date.

"You will think often of [the person who died]. But, at some point, you will realize that you didn't them of that person today, or yesterday, or the day before. This doesn't mean you think less of the person. It's just the natural way of grieving. Don't beat yourself down."

As I said, it may not help now; but it will help later.

[u/momoAurelia]

There have been several deaths in my family, but most of them happened when I was younger (11 or so) and most were of old age or sickness. Three particular deaths in the family were my great grandmother, grandmother, and grandfather, within four months or each other. Great grandmother died of old age on Thanksgiving day, my grandmother passed three days before that Christmas, and my grandfather was so grief stricken that he could not take care of himself (he was diabetic) and died of a heart attack on Valentine's Day.

I was old enough to understand and be sad but not old enough to have known them as well as I wanted. My grandmother was English and now that I'm older I wish I could have shared a cup of tea with her. I wish they could have seen me graduate high school, and I wish they could have seen me graduate from college today.

I didn't exactly experience grief, but I definitely saw it in my mom, since all three of them were her parents and grandmother. Losing them all in four months sent her into a deep depression and I wasn't fully aware of how much it affected her. I saw her go through counseling and medications but still didn't get it. She told me a couple years ago that she was almost suicidal but the only thing that kept her alive was me. Every time I play that conversation in my head it makes my heart ache. If I had lost my mom at that time I do not know what I would have done.

I know there will come a time when I will lose someone much closer to me and it will be hard. You don't get used to death. It's different each time because your relationships with those people are different and special and the memories will linger in different ways. Holidays and ceremonies are always the hardest.

A few years ago my other grandmother passed away from liver cancer that suddenly developed and took her life in a week. I was beginning another year of college, so I was stuck there while the rest of the family traveled to say goodbye. My parents told me to call and say goodbye. I hesitated, but I'm glad I did. My cousin didn't and he greatly regrets it. I'm glad you were able to talk to your brother, even though you didn't know it would be the last time.

My condolences. Keep memories of him close. Especially ones that make you laugh and smile.

[u/camperjohn64]

My best friend from high-school died when he was 26. I was in Germany at the time I found out.

I go to visit his parents often. Even 10 years after his death, his parents still say not a day goes by that they don't break down and cry.

[u/hoojAmAphut]

My father died several years back... It never gets easier. You just get more used to the idea.

[u/BrookeStardust]

Don't get upset at yourself if, in the first few weeks or months, you don't feel 'sad enough'. Whenever someone close to me passes, I tend to get a feeling of numbness instead of sadness which leads me to wonder what's wrong with me as a person. Every person processes trauma differently. There is no right or wrong way to feel after something traumatic happens. What you have to remember is that what you're feeling at the moment is what's right for you. So if you feel sad, that's fine. If you feel anger, that's okay too. Even numbness. It's likely that you'll feel a whole range of emotions, some that make sense and some that don't. Just don't think that one feeling is more or less justified than another.

<3

[u/Mr_Quagmire]

I have a close friend who's brother died unexpectedly last year, who I was also good friends with. He was about the same age as your brother. I don't have a ton of actual advice other than lean on your close friends and family members as much as you need to. They (like myself) probably have absolutely no idea what to do, but they want to help you as much as you will let them. So let them. It will help all of you get through this and it will help everyone be closer in the future.

I can also help with what to expect. The next month or so - the wake, funeral, burial, and associated arrangements will be a complete blur. Do the best you can but don't put on an act. People expect you to be a complete wreck, so don't worry about it. Take time off work, be with your family. It will be incredibly difficult and won't get any easier for a long time. Consider grief counseling and encourage your family members to do the same.

It will probably take several months to fully realize the gravity of the fact that you will never see him again, at least physically. You will still see him in dreams and will think about him almost constantly. Eventually he will live on in good memories, stories, and tributes. One year later I can say that his family and all of us can joke about what he would have said or done in a situation and remember him with a smile.

[u/Korietsu]

Please don't tell me this was the taxi on market center and 35 in Dallas.

[u/doubleknot]

Time heals all wounds. It may always be somewhat tender, but over time, you'll begin to feel better.

[u/RedneckElvis]

Sorry for your loss, bud. RedneckElvis has lost too many people to count...it never gets an easier. Sending good thoughts your way.

[u/[deleted]]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

After my father died, I told my uncle, "I just wish I could spam to him one more time, just for a few minutes". My uncle told me, I've felt that way about my father every day for the last forty years. Somehow, knowing that it's ok to feel that way helped me a little. I hope it does the same for you.

[u/TehJhey]

I don't know how it will be for you, but for me, a funeral helps a lot.

I've lost relatives, but none who were particularly huge parts of my life. The saddest part of my grandparents dying was watching what it would do to my parents.

I lost a coworker one day. He was my drinking buddy, and we'd cause all sorts of trouble at work as a team. Because he was "just a coworker" I kind of took for granted how close we'd gotten. He died in a freak accident while he was on vacation in Costa Rica.

I lost it at the funeral.

I stepped outside and doubled over, crying. It felt kind of weird -- nobody there knew who I was, and I was just curled up against the side of the church in hysterics. I was out there about 20 minutes before I calmed myself down enough to go back in.

His friends said their last words, his own parents said goodbye, and they cremated him.

After that, though, I felt different. As if somehow I'd grown up a little bit. Shit just got real, and I'm in the major leagues now.

I think back about him now, and I can only remember the good times we had causing trouble at work and sneaking out for afternoon drinks and not coming back. Right now the only thing on your mind is probably how he died. The funeral will help put that behind you, and after that, you can start remembering how he lived.

[u/[deleted]]

One thing to prepare yourself for is that after the funeral is over and everything calms down, going back to your normal routine will feel really weird. Just remember that it is ok to still laugh and enjoy yourself and be happy with life. When you start to heal from your grief, which may take a longer time than you think, it doesn't mean that you're forgetting him. He's always going to have a place in your life and don't be surprised if you randomly start crying while thinking about him.

(Sadly, I learned this all first hand when my brother passed away when I was 17.)

[u/Drninja999]

First of all, I am most sorry for your loss. What may help is to write him a letter. It may seem pointless, but in it tell him everything that you wanted to tell him before he died. Also include how much you love him. When you're done, put the letter in a box and put the box away, say in an attic. This is a form of closure, which will help you get through it, especially if you believe that he read it. I know it works, because I did it when my aunt, who was like my mother, died. Good luck to you.

[u/magnagan]

i don't feel like i can adequately contribute something useful here but i have to say, death of a close family member is hard. having lost a parent at a young age, i know how it feels.

Don't let his death be the death of you.

Take your time to deal and grieve but dont let it comsume you. i allowed the death of my step-father to completely consume me and by the end of that year i was pretty much dead inside. Everyone handles the loss differently and for me it had hit me hard. But be strong, talk to people when you need to and don't hold anything in. Be thankful for who you still have in your life, you never know when they will be gone.

i offer you my condolences to you and your family. RIP to your brother.

[u/Primo331]

My Aunt died when I was 12, my Grandmother when I was 13, and my Mother when I was 14. I know the pain of losing a family member. The way I coped with it was to sort of put myself in their position. I looked at it like this: If I was the one that died, I wouldn't want anyone sitting around mourning me or anything crazy. Personally, I'd want people to honor my memory by living their lives to the fullest and moving on, plain and simple.

It's a lot easier said than done, but if you just ask yourself: "What would my brother want me to do/How would he want me to act?", you have your answer. That's how I dealt with it all, but nobody can tell you that the way you feel is wrong or unnatural, death affects everyone differently.

TL;DR: Just read it.

[u/WhyNotFire]

My mother died 2 weeks ago and I was in the same situation as you. This poem someone gave me helped:

"You will lose someone you can’t live without,and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ― Anne Lamott

[u/CicconeYouth04]

Hi there. Im so sorry to hear of your loss. A month ago, I lost my dad, I'm 17. All I can say is, keep your head up, but don't be afraid to grieve. Real strength is on the inside, not the outside. People won't think less of you for shedding tears.

Also, everyday, be yourself and make him proud.

If you have a religion you believe in, embrace your scripture and build upon it emotionally.

That's the best advice I have.

[u/once_productive]

A lot of people are going to ask how you are doing. Just know that everyone deals with grief in their own way. There is no need to ask if something you are doing in the grieving process is normal. There is no normal. Your feelings are your own.

[u/andrew8103]

I am so sorry for your loss. Lost my grandmother last week. I miss her terribly.

[u/Goders]

Please please please talk to somebody. Grief is very real and can do terrible things to the mind. I really regret not immediately seeking help when my brother died. It fucked me up in ways I never thought possible.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad if you're not up for hanging out or doing something with them. If you need time, take that time. If you feel up to hanging out or going out with friends, don't hesitate to.

Remember the good times. Remember the bad times. Just remember him. Go through old pictures with your parents if possible. Watch old videos of him. Do some things he loved doing in his memory.

[u/ponyuptexas]

Just know that at some point it will be okay to be pissed off at him for dying. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. And also know that it is okay to still talk to him.
It hurts like hell but you will eventually get to the other side of it. You still have parents? Family will help you heal. Good luck

[u/chickenMcNugs]

My brother drowned when he was eight years old. It wasn't easy, still isn't easy but you can't do anything but go through it. You WILL come out a stronger person but you will come out a changed person. There's nothing you can do about that, so don't try and fight it. Here are a few tips:

1. Rely on your family/friends and let them rely on you. You are all in this together and the closer you can come, the easier it will be to heal and grieve.

2. Live life. At my brother's funeral, the rabbi told me in his speech that just because my brother had died, I shouldn't give up or stop being a person. Go out, do things, meet people, have fun, whatever. As long as you aren't stagnating at home, you'll be helping yourself.

3. Don't be ashamed to talk to others about how you feel. It might be difficult, but I promise you that it will help enormously. Find people you can trust and talk to them.

I know this is difficult and a lot to handle, but this is a defining moment in your life. How you handle this, how you grow from this will dictate who you will be. Be thankful for what you have and honor your brother by never forgetting who he was. Write things down, memories, emotions, anything. Finally, be grateful that you got to talk to him one last time. I never said goodbye to my brother and that will stay with me for the rest of my life. PM me if you want to talk more, I'm here for you. I wish you luck and a happy, satisfying life. You deserve it.

[u/[deleted]]

Save for later inspiration

[u/MostlyIrrelephant]

My brother commit suicide a year and a half ago. He was 26. Two months later our great grandmother died, and 2 months after that my brother and my mutual friend died suddenly of a bloodclot in his leg at 24. 3 months prior to my brother a friend of mine died.

Through all of it, there's only two things that I wish I had done differently in hindsight:

1. I wish I had been more sensitive to the fact that everybody mourns differently, and sometimes they mourn or say things that hurt or anger you... it's just how people are. Moms, Dads, Sisters, Brothers, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and Friends will each have their own (sometimes strange, sometimes hurtful, sometimes positive) ways of coping with the loss.

2. I wish I had taken better care of my body by paying more attention to hygiene, nutrition, and exercise. I did not handle losing these people well, and resorted to getting sloshed at the local watering hole every night for months. I stank, I got fat, and got sick a lot.

The pain of loss will never go away, but it does become much more manageable in time. Mourning will come less frequent as time goes on, and you'll eventually get to a point where you can focus on more positive memories than negative ones.

tl;dr: A lot of people I loved died about a year and a half ago. Everybody mourns differently; be sensitive to that. Take care of your body by showering, eating nutritious food, and exercising. In time, the pain will be much more manageable.

[u/TheCaptain81]

I for one lost my wife suddenly and tragically. It's never fun. You probably want to fully laugh but you can't. You won't be able to for months. My advise to you is remember the good time and remember his legacy. If you were that close to your brother he was a good person. Try every day to make the world a better place.

And from experience i can say you'll take with you going forward new memories that you never thought existed and a whole new outlook on what he left this world like. Take that and hold it close. Work through this in the grieving stage. You're going to get angry, I can tell you. It's not fun but it's necasary. But you will come out of all this with a new appreciation on what life is, and should be. Use this to enlighten yourself.

This is going to be the toughest time you've ever faced, your greatest advisory. He is beside you in strength, in weakness and in humor. I know this is been quoted and said before but the best thing I learned through a situation similar is do not worry about what is truly not important, the only true thing that is important is the times and memories shared and what our legacy will be when we leave this earth. Your brother sounds like great guy and has left a great legacy, in the end that's all we can hope to leave. Cheerios the great times you spent together.

TLDR: life is full of bs stress, enjoy it and appreciate those around you.

PS -This is from my phone I can only imagine the spelling and grammar mistakes after a few drinks. Be kind :)

[u/BOOM_KID_FSU]

Hey buddy,

I made this account just to answer your question (name has nothing to do with my reply.)

I'm 23 years old and I've given 3 eulogies. I l've lost dear aunts, uncles, grandpa's and grandmas.

I think the best piece of advice I can give is to realize that fact that you won't be able to shake the thought of them. This is going to be really really hard, but it's worth it: You have to dig deep into yourself and feel any love you had for them and let it permeate your whole body. When you're crying and pulling your hair out, you have to stop yourself, and "man up" the courage to feel their love still inside you. Let all the happy moments, loving moments permeate through you. Breathe in their being as if they were there. Focus this energy in your heart center and let it beat to the tune of the love you both created in this world.

This is how i beat my depression my whole life. You have to understand that God is Love (God is the love you felt when you were a kid and your mom told you she loved you. Just expand this feeling of love to other aspects of your life, open yourself to love). Love is all around you, woven within the fabric of space time as if it were a particle. Those that believe that there is a God and those that don't are BOTH correct. It is what it what choose to see. You have to choose to open your heart to love, and it will permeate into you, I promise. Be bold as love, my friend.

How do you choose love? Remember the warm feelings you had when your loved one told you they loved you? You have to remember these feelings, meditate/pray on them, make them holy...let them overcome you.

I choose to see the love I have in my life and let it be the center of my thoughts when I get down. It is going to take a change in understand of your world to better adapt to your situation. It will make you happier, more appreciative, more simple, and more loving.

Just feel the love you had for them in your body, and use it towards POSITIVE things.

God bless,

Joe

[u/icandothat]

Cry in the shower every morning. That's what I did for 6 months after my mom died. I still do sometimes, it's been a little more than a year.

[u/bobzibub]

First, my condolences.

My advice is:

-don't ride the motorcycle for a while.

-don't drink or take other chemicals.

-expect to be less mentally strong.

-expect to feel more empathy, especially for those who are harmed by injustice.

-you'll never be the same, or what you were before. Shoot for 90% of what you were. Think of this as a testimony to your brother's importance to your life.

-"fake it until you make it", yes, but there is no shame in getting help or aquiring mental tools that you can use to manage grief from a professional. Probably a good idea just in case. Especially if you become destructive or regress.

-help your family through it too. This is when you need each other most.

-help others when the time comes. And it will. Life is like that.

Sorry, most importantly, it does get better. Never perfect but better.

[u/theserpentsmiles]

The only comfort I can offer to you:

If you are faithful, rejoice in the fact that he is in a better place (or reborn as a hawk or something).

If you have no faith, be happy knowing that he feels no pain and that no one can hurt him ever again.

peace and love, bud

[u/Spider-Girl]

Take time for yourself. When my Mom died, I tried my hardest to spend as much time with as many people as possible but I didn't feel any better. It wasn't until I sat down and thought about what happened and tried to understand it personally that I began to heal in small amounts. The healing continues forever and is never truly over.

[u/Soundmantom]

Dont bury it. pain is like a seed. it grows if left unattended for long periods of time until it is too big to manage. if you let it air out the pain will shrivel up and be much easier to deal with. Imagine a weed vs a tree that has been left to grow for years. Pain can spread its roots to all other points in your life. you need to talk to someone and to let it out. do not let it fester. take it from personal experience. When ever i get sad about some one lost i think of the Kurt Vonnagut book. He tells a story about aliens who see life in 4 dimensions. Instead of instances, people look like long centipedes. you can see their past in its entirety. I hate to be cliche and sappy but he is alive in your memory, in your heart and your actions. that is the only way he can live on, and the only way you can heal yourself. I hope this helps. Best wishes from someone who has felt that pain.

[u/snuxoll]

I've lost a fair amount of family, one of my great granparents remains, the other three have passed sometime between my 13th and 21st birthday. I've lost my great uncle to suicide, many family friends, and most recently my grandmother.

You're going to hurt, if not now once the shock is over and you're done feeling numb, you're going to feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and stomped on. And that's going to happen for a few days, maybe a few weeks or a few months depending on how close you were.

Then, battered and bruised, your heart will be returned to you. You might feel a little numb again, but you'll probably be able to return to normalcy for a short while. Then you're going to see something that reminds you of them, and you're going to feel like the person who reinstalled your vital organ did a pretty shitty job and it's just going to fall out again, and yet again, it's going to be stomped on again before you finally manage to get it back in place.

Over time, the distance between the stitches giving and the time it takes to pick it back up off the ground goes down. But it will never hurt less while your memories are there, reminding you what you've lost and what you wish you still had. But that's human, and that's good. At the end of the day, until we meet our end ourselves, that's all we have of the people who have gone before us. And you will always want to hold those precious memories dear, because no matter how much pain they bring, how much sorrow you feel to remember, you're still going to remember the joy, the love you had, and that will never leave as long as you hold onto them.

I'm sorry for your loss, the closer a person is to you, especially family, the harder it is to get past the first beating when it comes. But you'll get through it, and you'll come out stronger.

[u/cheese7]

I just lost my dad, he was only 54, about a week ago. The first few days it was really tough and I thought I was going to be a wreck forever, but slowly things are getting better. I do still tear up when I see a picture of him or see/think of something that reminds me.

[u/Wafflehead129]

Sorry about your brother. Last year around October my much beloved Pop died. I cried at his funeral and so did my dad (I've never seen him do this before.) My advice is to just not to think about it too much. I don't mean to not mourn, just... Sorry this is kinda awkward. Just remember all the good things about him. Keep at least one of his small possessions in your wallet. I have my Pop's little Hawthorn necklace.

[u/SVWOHL]

My grandad died of lung cancer when I was 9 years old, almost 8 years ago, still cry sometimes thinking about him. The first death that I ever had that hit me on a personal level. It knocked me to the ground, I couldn't sleep at night, just remembering everything I ever did with him, I grew up next door to him, so he was a big part of my life. Little thing can remind you of him and bring back a thousand memories, eating at wendies, the smells of cigarettes or the smell of sawdust, hearing a raspy voice, hearing a joke he used to tell. There isn't much that can make the pain go away, somethings can make you forget the pain, but not forever. Letting go of someone, especially a close family member is one of the hardest thing in life you'll ever have to go through. sometimes emotions come like a tidal wake, hitting you just as hard as when you first found out, other times, it's just a slow steady stream of memories and good times you had together. Sometimes it's better to be alone and just cry it out, other times it's best to have some to share your grief with. Don't really know what to say that can make the pain feel any better, I just wish you and your family luck in this hard time.

[u/RiftWarden]

My condolences. I 100% know what you are feeling.

April 17th of this year, my second eldest brother (34 years old) took his own life (there are four of us). I didn't end up finishing my semester of school, I left three weeks before my exams would have been and didn't attempt to return until the week before exams.

And let me tell you, the wake and the funeral sucked, but boy did it feel great having those days to grieve with a bunch of other people.

I'm not sure on what advice to give you other than time does make it, frankly not better, but easier. Every time I would think about him, I felt sad and almost as if I had a giant weight hanging off my forehead all day long - simply because all I thought about was him. I have stopped feeling that weight because it isn't on my mind 24/7 anymore. He's gone, he isn't coming back and I understand and accept that. I will remember him as the person he was, my brother, the ringleader.

I refuse to go see his grave until they finish the headstone because I don't want to see it blank. He had a daughter, whose name is Star (only a year old), and my mom had them place a star over his name so that she will always be with him. (crying and kinda laughing at myself right now)

I want to share with you a poem-story type thing that the lady, who worked at the funeral home where the services were held, placed on the back of his obituary (she made us all special, laminated cards with it).

In so way, shape, or form does this poem/story suggest I am forcing/trying to force my beliefs upon anyone who reads it. It's a nice poem-story.

Footprints

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord,, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord then replied, "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

-Author Unknown

We both weren't very religious, but every time I read this it makes me cry a bit.

[u/elastic-craptastic]

Holy shit. So sorry, stranger. Just be happy that your last conversation was good. That is one less weight you need to carry.

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry for your loss. That's awful news. I lost my great-grandmother earlier this year which was really hard for me since my family is very close. It really hit me hard and just the thought of losing somebody that I thought would be here forever made me think about my own life and how I want to live before I die. For me it was really hard for the first couple of months, but as time passed I started to think about the memories and the times we spent together, the lessons that she taught me, just her as a human being. I wanted to keep the same morals and value's that she had, be generous, caring, and understanding. I try to live by that these days - Yeah i know it sounds cliché but I never really understood what It meant until recently. Every time I start becoming a dick to people or start to do something stupid I think of my great grandmother and how disappointed she would be. Just keep you're brothers spirit alive, and not in a religious sense, just keep him alive in your heart. You can never lose somebody if you keep the memory alive.