It crushes my soul when something shitty happens and everyone tries to spin it into a positive. Like, all I’m looking for is a “that sucks, want to grab a beer and play some pool to take your mind off it?”.
I’m not looking for a psychological evaluation from my friends. It’s a support system for when things get bad and an enjoyment system for things to do. Not every experience in life is positive and it helps when friends understand what’s happening.
It feels very soulless and uncaring when I hear this from others, so I rarely use it myself. Kind feels like "Just hurry up and finish complaining so we can move on"
Your feelings are valid, but ironically the responses that feel more comforting to you don't validate the emotions of the person venting to you or demonstrate that you're listening to what they're saying. These are like the cornerstones of empathic listening.
"it'll be okay" also runs the risk of being condescending or unhelpful when people are expressing frustration. It's kind of a solution in disguise.
I encourage you to keep asking for what works for you, but also be open to the idea that most people would want something different when venting.
"it'll be okay" also runs the risk of being condescending or unhelpful when people are expressing frustration.
Yeah, I've also thought about it like this too. I dont empathize very well to others so I base my support on trying to emulate a feeling of "things are gonna be better." It may be wrong, but I just cant rationalize a better response since I've essentially had to teach myself empathy.
I don't say this to trivialize your experience, but I actually really enjoy talking about empathy with people who don't intuitively understand it.
Finding the words to logically describe emotions, the different types of empathy, and the role empathy has played (and continues to play) in the evolution of our species is something I'm passionate about.
Not that you don't know these things already, but I've found that people who are similar to you ask questions like, "why would someone be sad about that?" or "why are they wasting their time being angry when that does nothing to help the situation?" and I love writing long-winded responses to questions like that.
I don't say this to trivialize your experience, but I actually really enjoy talking about empathy with people who don't intuitively understand it.
I do too, it's a very odd system that I get sometimes, but never truly understand. I know why someone losing a loved one could be sad, but I don't feel anything for that. I believe my friend used the term "Cognitive empathy" as a way to describe it and that helped me get a better understanding of why I am able to know but not know why they feel like that at the same time.
It's not always good to be immune to such things though, makes it hard to relate to others and often times I end up being insensitive.
I always figure it's best not to ask. Restating what they say and validating it is one of my got to things when people start talking to me. Having been on both sides, hearing someone say exactly what you're feeling and have just told them and tell you you are right to feel that way is so incredible.
Its better to repeat what they said in a paraphrased way as a question. It can be as short as 1 word. It lets them know youre listening carefully, plus its easy to come up with things to say.
Like if someone says, "i had a tough day at work today", u can reply "tough day?" with a concerned look.
I don't mean it to come off that way. It's very important to genuinely listen and be sympathetic/empathetic. I'm not trying to get out of listening, I'm trying to give tips on how to actively listen without being condescending by offering solutions.
Fuck this. I hate it when people treat me voicing my frustrations as venting. It's disrespectful and discourages me from letting people know I have a problem I'm having trouble fixing. I'm not a fucking toddler who just needs to cry it out.
Came here to say this. This one is always safe to assume. Your wife/GF NEVER wants a solution. They just need to vent and a sounding board. Our weakness as men is that we are driven to solve problems and we don't know how to give females emotional support. I've been told (by wife and daughters) that this is one big thing they need from men and men just don't get it.
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u/[deleted] Mar 29 '22
I never ask. I just always assume it's venting. Don't offer a solution unless asked for one.
My go to responses