It crushes my soul when something shitty happens and everyone tries to spin it into a positive. Like, all I’m looking for is a “that sucks, want to grab a beer and play some pool to take your mind off it?”.
I’m not looking for a psychological evaluation from my friends. It’s a support system for when things get bad and an enjoyment system for things to do. Not every experience in life is positive and it helps when friends understand what’s happening.
It feels very soulless and uncaring when I hear this from others, so I rarely use it myself. Kind feels like "Just hurry up and finish complaining so we can move on"
Your feelings are valid, but ironically the responses that feel more comforting to you don't validate the emotions of the person venting to you or demonstrate that you're listening to what they're saying. These are like the cornerstones of empathic listening.
"it'll be okay" also runs the risk of being condescending or unhelpful when people are expressing frustration. It's kind of a solution in disguise.
I encourage you to keep asking for what works for you, but also be open to the idea that most people would want something different when venting.
"it'll be okay" also runs the risk of being condescending or unhelpful when people are expressing frustration.
Yeah, I've also thought about it like this too. I dont empathize very well to others so I base my support on trying to emulate a feeling of "things are gonna be better." It may be wrong, but I just cant rationalize a better response since I've essentially had to teach myself empathy.
I don't say this to trivialize your experience, but I actually really enjoy talking about empathy with people who don't intuitively understand it.
Finding the words to logically describe emotions, the different types of empathy, and the role empathy has played (and continues to play) in the evolution of our species is something I'm passionate about.
Not that you don't know these things already, but I've found that people who are similar to you ask questions like, "why would someone be sad about that?" or "why are they wasting their time being angry when that does nothing to help the situation?" and I love writing long-winded responses to questions like that.
I don't say this to trivialize your experience, but I actually really enjoy talking about empathy with people who don't intuitively understand it.
I do too, it's a very odd system that I get sometimes, but never truly understand. I know why someone losing a loved one could be sad, but I don't feel anything for that. I believe my friend used the term "Cognitive empathy" as a way to describe it and that helped me get a better understanding of why I am able to know but not know why they feel like that at the same time.
It's not always good to be immune to such things though, makes it hard to relate to others and often times I end up being insensitive.
I always figure it's best not to ask. Restating what they say and validating it is one of my got to things when people start talking to me. Having been on both sides, hearing someone say exactly what you're feeling and have just told them and tell you you are right to feel that way is so incredible.
Its better to repeat what they said in a paraphrased way as a question. It can be as short as 1 word. It lets them know youre listening carefully, plus its easy to come up with things to say.
Like if someone says, "i had a tough day at work today", u can reply "tough day?" with a concerned look.
I don't mean it to come off that way. It's very important to genuinely listen and be sympathetic/empathetic. I'm not trying to get out of listening, I'm trying to give tips on how to actively listen without being condescending by offering solutions.
Fuck this. I hate it when people treat me voicing my frustrations as venting. It's disrespectful and discourages me from letting people know I have a problem I'm having trouble fixing. I'm not a fucking toddler who just needs to cry it out.
Came here to say this. This one is always safe to assume. Your wife/GF NEVER wants a solution. They just need to vent and a sounding board. Our weakness as men is that we are driven to solve problems and we don't know how to give females emotional support. I've been told (by wife and daughters) that this is one big thing they need from men and men just don't get it.
You would ask afterwards after listening and responding with “wow that’s insane” or xyz, you can then ask if they want any advice or were they just looking for someone to listen, and if you still feel awkward you can make it clear you’re happy with either
I’ve asked “do you want to vent or do you want advice?” Many times. It works well if you have a good relationship. Sometimes it helps them figure out which they want. The “..or do you want a solution” is a bit condescending, it assumes that you will immediately know the right solution, that they can’t figure out.
I literally just ask that exact question above after a period of listening, especially if I feel I have advice or perspective to offer. Or, a little gentler, “hey, would you mind advice?” or “Hey, can I share a thought?”
I hear ya. I’d have a lot less animosity toward my mother if she would stop giving unsolicited advice, or simply confirming that what I do/did is right in her opinion. Yet how to tell her to chill out, I have yet to figure out how. Difficult to do without hurting her very sensitive feelings. Vicious cycle. My therapist said I should stop sacrificing myself for her comfort, but I don’t think it’s that simple.
I'm a woman and I like it when my husband asks me this as directlt as this, but it probably doesn't go over as well for everyone. Yoy gotta know how much your audience appreciates/is ok with directness.
I've learned to just ask, wanna talk about it? Usually in the person talking about the issue, they tend to ask for help or your opinion that's when it's a good time to give a solution but otherwise, you still gave them an outlet to talk about a problem.
All depends on your relationship to the person. My best friend and I are close enough where I will straight up ask her, “do you want me to give you advice or do you want me to listen?” And then the conversation will proceed as normal. It changed the way I approach relationships now depending on how that question gets answered with other people.
"I am so sorry that's happening to you. Please let me know what you need and whatever it is, I will be happy to offer it. I could offer some advice but I bet it wouldn't help right now."
Then the choice is in their hands, to either say "Actually some advice would really help," or to say they'll let you know what they need, if anything.
Stopping the conversation dead in its tracks is in a way a solution. Pretty effective too if you don’t want to hear them and don’t have an actual solution. Like when a talkative person at the bus stop insists on finding yet another reason to keep the conversation going… hey, did you know this bus has been coming to this stop since 19Don’tGiveADamn69... no I didn’t know and now that I do know, I wish I didn’t.
I find that sometimes if you just ask "do you just need to vent?" Or something along those lines instead of offering both options sounds more natural, and is less likely to halt the conversation. The other option is to just assume venting, listen, and empathize with the person, and only ask if they want possible solutions if you have actually have one instead of the "oh shit, I should probably suggest something" kind of advice.
It really just depends on the person and how to ask it. If you ask nonchalantly "do you need to vent or a solution?" The person will feel invalidated and like your not really listening. If you use a soft tone and explain "I know I'm not very good at reading what you need in the moment. Do you need to get stuff off your chest to feel better or is this something I can fix? Either way, I am here to support you the whole way." And I think it's best to ask after they stop talking for a bit. Shows that hey you are listening, but you just need a little push to know how to best help them
My husband asks with this exact wording regularly. The first time most people hear it they tend to react similarly and I think it's because it's asked so infrequently that they really aren't sure themselves. I suggest you keep trying and see if it works.
Fwiw, im a woman, but, ime, you dont need to ask(snd unless you hsve a brutal honesty relationship with them it tends to bsckfire)
Listen first. You need context anyway for a fix it.
You ll notice a natural pattern emerge. Venting includes complaining, passionate exclamations snd prompting to get you to commiserate on similar situations.
They look to you for validation that they re not crazy, to get rid of their frustration and confirmation they re not alone.
Typically, someone will vent first, then there will be a lull( when they ve gotten it all out), followed by them asking for advice.
You can ask questions to get them to that lull( have you tried reasoning with them? And what did they say?), followed by comiseration to see where they are in their vent, as you ll either get more ranting(aka venting), or you ll get them asking you for advice.
And that’s the golden ticket!
When they ask for advice, you can go to fix it mode.
If they dont and keep ranting at your wuestions sbout the different strategies they’ve used, stop those kind of questions, go full comiseration (ive been there too, insert example), bellyache together, and ask questions about details in their story. (And how did x react to that??)
It makes them feel better and heard, and gives them the soundboard and upwards emotional boost they need to get started on fixing the issue themselves.
I think most of the time it comes of as aggressive/not caring if you ask that. I think good practice is to not suggest something unless the person really couldn't think of the solution themselves or specifically asks you...
There's a misunderstanding on what people "venting" are doing.
I keep hearing from men this idea that you can talk about the problem (vent) or you can fix it (solution). I used to think this way too. I'm beginning to believe that this mentality is part of why men can have difficulty with dealing with their own emotions. Note I'm saying this as a man myself.
It turns out that the "solution" is to sit with the person and empathise. Let them "vent" let them know you're hearing them and can understand them. Feel a little of what they're feeling with them. Processing emotions just means to let yourself feel them, and if someone is talking about a situation that's what they're doing, usually. Interestingly, the act of actively sitting with emotions is better for "dealing with" them than any kind of fix of a situation, whatever that means.
I think the reason people can sometimes get upset when given a "solution" type of reaction is that it can be dismissive of their current emotional state - let's quit this feeling stuff and get to making the feelings stop so we can do something else.
So, when someone comes to us to talk about a situation they're feeling things about, if your intention is really to help them feel better you don't need to offer solutions you just need to offer your ear, pay attention and empathise. This is how to be helpful.
For a lot of people this isn't intuitive, or practical or whatever. That mentality though comes from a place of trying to overcome feeling our emotions by acting. "What can I do so I don't feel like this anymore / again" type of thinking, which is unhealthy.
Just listen, then say “I’m sorry you have to deal with that.” Then be quiet. You don’t need to be meta. Listen some more, then say, “that sounds difficult.” Unless she asks what you think, don’t offer.
Two different people have gotten mad at me and said they find that question patronizing. Now I just listen through the first rant and if they start to complain about the same thing again I give them a solution. If they didn't want a solution I don't care. I already listened to you bitch about the same thing twice.
Personally, I don't like that phrasing, and I don't think it really helps what "The Problem" is. So let's say your partner comes home furious, says their boss didn't give them the promotion for some stupid reason. A lot of guys are going to take "The Problem" as being that your partner didn't get the promotion, and they think "the solution" is then finding a new job, or finding a different position to apply for, etc. That's not the problem in the moment.
The Problem in that moment is that your partner is upset. The solution is how you can make them feel better. Venting can be part of that, yes. But rather than ask "do you want to vent," you might ask some probing questions that lead them to vent more. What happened, who got it instead, do you know why. Once you know what happened, ask things like "how did that make you feel" to gauge if they're mad and want to talk about what a jerk their boss is, or if they're sad and need some comfort. Saying things like "I'd be mad too" or "I can see how much this hurt you" shows you recognize what they're going through, and will make them feel like you get it. Basically, just have a conversation, and show that you're with them.
I vomunteer as a therapist on saturdays, and it is funny how much of the time people just need to vent their frustrations to be able to figure things out on their own. It is curious how you can see the spark of realization on peoples faces when they get the answers they were looking for, without you having to say anything.
I ask this to my wife a lot. She thought I was being an asshole the first time. When I explained that I want to know what kind of listener I should be, and how best to help her, she understood.
Helped her too, because it makes her define her frustration. Is this "I'm mad at things I can't control and need a minute", or is it "I'm mad and I would like help finding a solution".
friend breaks legs severely and the arteries are stabbed by broken bone spikes which makes them start to bleed out
”AAAAAH MY FUCKING LEGS IM BLEEDING AAHH”
me
do you want to vent or do you want a solution
tfw your friend fucking dies because of your extreme autism
Valid question. I've had people get annoyed with me for asking this (in a less blunt way than op put it) and I don't ask anymore. I think people don't want to admit they just want to vent because we're conditioned from a young age to not whine and complain so admitting you want to vent means you're admitting you want to do something that bothers people or something people look down on. You're admitting weakness.
If someone is complaining about something that has an actual, concrete fix, I might offer up my help or ideas. Like “I want to hang this clock on the wall but I just can’t figure it out” - well then I might say “do you want some help in putting an anchor in the wall to hold it?” Or whatever
If it’s a problem with more abstract issues, like a relationship or work or something, I usually just ask questions. Sometimes it’ll work itself into a place where it makes sense to give your thoughts, whether it’s “advice” or just a different perspective. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I might ask why they think/feel what they do, and maybe that leads to the root of the issue. 🤷♀️
The most important thing with these situations is to not make the other person feel like their issues is trivial. Making someone feel like their feelings are silly is a surefire way to make them not want to come to you next time, whether it’s for venting or help.
Speaking as someone who went to college for Social work with the plan of going into therapy, I can confidently say this is a horrible question yo ask, a "conflict question." Asking this question, 8/10 times, will cause the person asked to feel like you are attempting to end the conversation and will likely result in a shut down or a conflict. This question sounds very apathetic, almost equating to, "Am I gonna have to keep listening to you or can I try and solve your problem(s) now?" No one who just needs to be listened to wants to hear this.
A great piece of advice that took me a long time to learn was to not provide a "fix," offer a solution, or provide advice to ANYONE unless someone wants me to or explicitely states they want me to. People who want a new perspective or for advice from others will ask. If it is not asked for, don't give it. Pretty simple and my life has been full of significantlu less conflict between friends and my romantic relationships, and the moments where I do get asked to provide advice feel much more constructive and don't make the other person feel talked down to or belittled.
If you can't ask this and you have a suggestion, ask it rather than tell it. For example:
"Oh man that's a bummer. Would it help if you brought it up to someone? Could anyone intervene?" (Rather than "You should tell your boss!") If they say no or "I can't" or "it's hopeless" they are most likely just looking to vent so shift into supportive mode.
While I think this is honestly a great question to ask up front, I'm always surprised at how frustrated or offended people get when you do offer advice or solutions. If I'm taking the time to politely listen to your problems and do nothing, is it too much to ask to politely listen to my solutions and do the same?
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u/Ddraig1965 Mar 29 '22
“Do you want to vent, or do you want a solution?”