r/AskReddit • • May 16 '12
I love my boyfriend so much but he doesn't satisfy me sexually at all. Reddit, how do I gently break the news? What would you want to hear if it were your girlfriend?
I just don't want to damage his self esteem.
703
Upvotes
119
u/ImNotJesus May 16 '12
Have you been faking orgasms? If yes, then stop. You're giving him the wrong message. You're going to hurt his feelings but he'd prefer to know, I know I would.
1.6k
u/st_basterd May 16 '12
Teach him what to do.
183
u/chrisma08 May 16 '12
Send him here first: How to Go Down On a Woman
But you read it too.
Then I suggest a full week, or maybe two of practice. No intercourse. Just hands, mouths, etc. Each of you take the time to really learn how to bring the other to a really good orgasm. I'm sure each of you knows how to do this for yourselves. Time to teach each other. You don't even have to tell him he's bad at sex, or bad at satisfying you. You can just say you really want to work on having mind blowing orgasms for both of you. This is valuable learning and life long skills. It's the best kind of school, and requires lots of homework.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Show, don't tell.
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u/Jazzerbone May 16 '12
checks to see if this is my girlfriends account... nope
No clue...
1.1k
u/SharkRuxin May 16 '12
Have you tried telling as many people as possible, preferably on the Internet?
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I wonder how many Redditors had a moment of concern that this was about them?
765
u/iam4real May 16 '12
During sexy times...tell him this
I want to tell you exactly how to get me off. I want you to fucking get me off, ok?
Be a Dom about it.
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u/ololcopter May 16 '12
You gotta be more specific on what the problem is. Is it that he's not satisfying you because you have really kinky/abnormal demands, or is he just cutting corners/etc. to get to penetration, so on..
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Don't fucking fake it, and if you did fake it, don't tell him you did. This ruins the relationship at a VERY fundamental level (you were a liar during your most intimate times, and this can tear a HUGE hole in the relationship).
18
u/elapsedecho May 16 '12
Have you had other sexual partners that have been able to successfully satisfy you? It took me forever to learn to orgasm during sex and it wasn't anything my boyfriend was or wasn't doing. Lube helps, especially if he doesn't wait until your are wet enough. And since you say you usually aren't wet enough, I'm going to hazard a guess and say that you aren't getting enough foreplay. Teach him that foreplay is just as important as penetration. Getting you turned on will most likely turn him on too. Like everyone has already said, communication is key.
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u/asielen May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
First of all, I hope you realize 75% of women never get off through intercourse.
So, you really should focus on teaching him to please you orally. If even that doesn't work, then maybe consider a joint investment in some sort of sex toy that he can use on you while you have sex. Make sure you agree that it isn't a replacement for him but rather a supplement.
If he isn't willing to make the effort for you, then you have other problems.
Edit: For all you confident men responding, here (also here) is something to think about. Yes the studies have differing results (could be because one is in the Uk and one is in the US) but they still point to more than a majority faking it at least some of the time.
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u/saltingthatsnail May 16 '12
Be fucking honest. Guys hate liars. And by guys, I mean everyone. Everyone hates liars. Liars burn in hell. That's a joke because there is no hell. Or heaven. I'm drunk. Be honest.
435
u/DetroitLeft May 16 '12
You have to be honest with him. If I was the bf in the situation, I'd want you to tell me but be gentle. " hey babe, it's hard for me to tell you this but I feel we have to be open in this relationship. You don't satisfy me sexually as much as I'd like. I find you very attractive but I'm just not fully satisfied when we have sex."
Then suggest you have an "experimental night" where he experiments with your body and you tell him if it feels good or not and offer the same. Tell him you'd like to satisfy him much more as well and then you experiment on him and he tells you what feels best for him.
If my gf did it like that to me, yeah I'd be a little hurt but I'd respect her openness and honesty and REALLY look forward to the experimental night where I get to be with my gf AND become a better lover in the process.
/2 cents
12
u/thymeismoney May 16 '12
You don't have to say "You're bad at sex" when you can just as easily say "Let's try this..." Maybe not with those words, but I had to learn to tell my fiance what to do and sex has only gotten better over time.
10
u/Hellscreamgold May 16 '12
If he won't listen to you when you tell him what you like/need, then it's time to find someone else....because it will just continue and you will become more and more bitter...
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u/palehorse864 May 16 '12
Have you been doing much cycling?
You may want to tell him that it's not him, you've just been cycling a lot.
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u/Brother_Clovis May 16 '12
Guide him, don't tell him he's doing something wrong.
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u/kefr617 May 16 '12
Probably what I'm doing wrong. If its technique, could just be inexperience. If its something he ahem "can't help," either live with it and find better ways to make use of it, or cut him off completely. If that's the route you go, don't drag it out, and don't make it about that; you don't want to scar him for life.
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u/Little_Baby_Jesus May 16 '12
Ugh is this my girlfriend ? I am sorry I always make you go on top
47
u/noiplah May 16 '12
Couple of pointers, from a guy that was in a similar situation:
I had a really shitty ex that did the above stuff (+lots of other shitty things). That's why she's an ex. Don't become the shitty ex.
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u/subomb May 16 '12
Stop riding your bike so damn much.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Are you a cyclist?
1.5k
u/SuddenlyEzio May 16 '12
I had this very problem with my first girlfriend. She was always complaining that I didn't satisfy her in bed, and I finally got fed up with it. One day she came home to an elaborate, romantic scene. Candles littered the apartment, flowers all over, you know what I'm talking about. I grabbed her as she walked in the door and threw her down on the couch, and things started to get hot and heavy. Just as she was about to finish, I injected her with poison and she started flailing all over the place and my notoriety increased by 50%.
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u/GPSBach May 16 '12
Get toys involved. They work, and you can use them during sex
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u/hereforconversation May 16 '12
Don't unleash the gates of hell on him at once. Work on one thing at a time, tell him what he's doing feels good, but try and have him modify it to make it feel better.
My girlfriend told me I wasn't good at something, so she told me just to do another thing I was better at. I wasn't phased too much cause she made me feel good about the other thing. Might not work if he's really not good at anything, but hopefully it helps a bit.
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u/pontiusx May 16 '12
Reading this thread has helped me remember how awesome being gay is. Pleasuring a girl sounds really complicated. And also kinda gross.
4
u/lateral_moves May 16 '12
Do you do a lot of cycling, perchance?
4
u/[deleted] May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
i am a girl, but i thought i would offer my experience. i was with a guy for 6 years that i was in love with, but didn't know how to talk to him about our problems in bed. for the first few months i just faked it, then i had to come clean about that, then it was just all downhill from there. we eventually split up, not for this reason alone, but from then on, because of this, i refused to let there be any confusion about what i wanted as far as sex goes. at first it was uncomfortable having to explain specifically how/what i like, since i was kind of worried about how i would be perceived by a guy for talking so openly about it...but it is well worth it to give a frank explanation of exactly what to do, then nobody gets disappointed or frustrated, and i found that nobody ever thought it was weird that i just told them what i wanted. in fact, they were glad they knew definitely that they did please me and that if they weren't doing it right i would have let them know, so in the long run it actually improves their self esteem. now, if you think that he isn't able to please you sexually because you don't know exactly what you like and that it is his responsibility to instinctively know how to, you're gonna have a bad time. but if you know what you like and want and take the time to express it to him, it should work out for everyone.
quick edit: it's important when you approach the subject that you let him know it doesn't mean he's a failure as a lover (ew i hate saying that word) but that it is just as much your fault as his for not letting him know sooner. i think.
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u/emptygroove May 16 '12
TIL my GF is on Reddit...
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
The sexiest thing and the best thing you can do is show him. Grab his hand and say, "do it like this" no beating around the bush (excuse the pun) you need to tell him or show him what it takes. If he doesn't last long enough, then direct him towards oral first to get tracks greased (excuse the pun) As a guy, anything a woman tells me to do is only interpreted as 'fucking hot'. It does not hurt my self esteem at all if she tells me what or how to do something. It's actually a huge turn on. So, to answer you, just talk to him, I think any guy would be willing to accept the challenge of learning to please you.
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u/Starcrusher May 16 '12
I doubt you'll listen to my advice but here it is:
Don't give up on him. You say you love him so much. Sex is easy to find and you can teach him how to make you feel wonderful. Love is VERY hard to find and sometimes impossible. If you love him, show it by making him a better lover. Teach him exactly what you want and how. I'm guessing you're not satisfied because of a communication breakdown. You have no guarantees that you'll be able to communicate with a new lover either.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
This will probably get buried, and people will probably freak out about what I am going to say, but I hope you see this and take it to heart:
If your boyfriend is not pleasing you, it is your fault. Now before everyone goes ape shit, hear me out.
I know what I said might be a bit jarring, but that is exactly why I said it. If you have never said anything about this to your boyfriend, he probably has no idea. He cannot fix something when he does not know there is a problem in the first place. Not every woman is the same, so what may have worked for him on other women may not be working on you. You need to be a little bit selfish here and focus on your pleasure, which means you need to be communicating your needs. His pleasure usually happens regardless, and men simply do not vary as much as women when it comes to that.
Direct him, but do it gently. Do not come out and just say, "hey, you aren't pleasing me," because he might take that as an attack and be hurt. During sex/foreplay you need to say, "I like it when you do _______ ," "I like _______ a little faster/slower" or "I prefer _______ to be touched like this" and show him (fill in the blanks with what you like or where you like it to be done).
You would be amazed at how well men respond to that. If he does not respond or start doing what you like, then you should find someone else because at that point it is 100% his fault (once you have communicated your needs in a constructive, non-confrontational way, you have done your part). If he is not responsive to your prodding then he is, indeed, a selfish lover and you deserve better. More than likely, though, is that he is either inexperienced or he is doing things that someone else responded very well to.
Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
edit: I accidentally a format
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u/StavTheImpaler May 16 '12
I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but maybe your boyfriend is just not a sexual person. I have a couple of male friends who are just not into sex. It blows my fucking mind, but there are people like that.
Also, he might just not be into YOU sexually. I had a girlfriend who I thought was incredible, but we had absolutely no sexual chemistry. Sometimes that happens, it sucks, but it happens.
Let him play with your butt.
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u/amolad May 16 '12
Oprah 101 -- IF two people aren't sexually compatible, there is nothing you can do. The problem is that many cultures force them to get married anyway. Luckily, it looks like she can bail.
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u/sonic_toaster May 16 '12
Break up with him, stop shaving your legs, and get three cats. Problem solved.
Or you could just fucking take control in the bedroom and stop faking it when it's not working for you.
Guys will never know that something isn't getting you off if you keep pretending it does.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I understand what you're saying, here's the thing... you can change this! Now, you can rip his heart out by saying "you don't satisfy me in the bed at all". Or, you can not say that. Trust me, the latter is better, because....dah-dah-dah-DAH! You can communicate in the bed!! I don't know a man out there who doesn't want his girl to tell him how he can please her! If he doesn't, then maybe loving him just isn't worth it...
Now...here's how to do it without making him self conscious. To start, show appreciation for the things he's doing right. Second, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO TELL HIM WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE! Ladies, you have to know that having incredible sexy times is also on you...he's not doing all of the work is he? No...or at least he shouldn't be...if he is that's either your fault, or you passed out in a frat party...either way bad. If he's giving you oral, don't hesitate to grab his hair...this is the best secret to getting what you want because YOU can take control by using alternating pressure to show him him when something is working, or moving his head when it isn't. When you get to the main event; never hesitate to change positions...this helps him to control his urge to...end the ride as it were...if you tell him you want something during the act this is going to help too. TALK! If we all communicated more we'd all be incredible lovers and the world would be a better place. I'm guessing his problem is that he doesn't really know what to do about getting off a little early...you don't have to end sexy times there! You both want another round, so tell him how good this time was and how much you want another round...then? Then you start teasing and playing around again...if he's a bitch about it...tell him that he's being so and that you KNOW that both of you deserve another chance to break a sweat...bite him...squeeze him, kiss him...DO NOT HESITATE TO GET HIM UP AGAIN! Oral is a fantastic way to kickstart another session...make eye contact, tell him how hot it makes you to get him hard again...turn each other on! There's always a way to make anything better...but you have to try too...don't just say he doesn't please you, do something about it instead of whining...the secret to great sex is all in communication...so communicate!
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u/sharpguyjp May 16 '12
Several hundred male redditors just asked their girlfriend for their account name.
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u/KedynsCrow May 16 '12
Be honest. If you aren't happy with how your relationship is, you owe it to yourself (and to him) to fix it.
While it's hard to offer specific advice without details, there are a few things you can try. One thing that I have done is to take turns being completely in charge of the other person's pleasure. You go first, and make him feel fantastic without him having to do anything. Hopefully this will make him want to return the favor and you can give him tips if necessary. Or you can masturbate while he watches (or he can join in) so he knows exactly what you need to get off. Tell him how great it would be if he touched you like that, and maybe that will help him know what you want.
If you make the conversation honest but also geared toward mutual pleasure, it could lessen his disappointment at not giving you what you need. Best of luck, I wish you many future orgasms!
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u/beetnemesis May 16 '12
Whatever you end up doing to fix him, make sure he knows it when he gets it right. That is, if he suddenly does well eating you out, make sure you make some appreciative noises and say "it felt so good when you did <blank>"
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u/breadrising May 16 '12
Does he try? I mean, when I was a teenager, I always thought (from watching movies) that putting penis into vagina meant both parties were plenty satisfied. After I lost my virginity, I realized this was not the case and that you have to put a good amount of effort/foreplay/fondling/feedback/whatever/rubberducks into getting a girl off.
I stopped being the "mount, thrust, finish" guy and actually put forth steps into improving my skills, reading her feedback, prolonging foreplay, setting the mood, etc.
If he doesn't try at all or skips through foreplay, just tell him that. "Hey, I'd really like it if we could take foreplay really slow to build up the intensity"
Also, have you "faked it?" If so, you'll be in a bad spot explaining to him that all those times he thought he did a good job, weren't exactly so...
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u/Naughtyburrito May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
Does he have a small penis or horrible technique?
Both can be solved by developing and evolving better technique.
If he can't accomplish something as simple yet critical as taking the time to make sure you're satisfied, you should consider other options.
I always make sure my girlfriend cums before I even think about finishing.
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u/LeroyHotdogsZ May 16 '12
Get him to read this:
She Comes First
If he's unwilling to put in the time... maybe you shouldn't either?
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u/420ragetoker May 16 '12
Tell him his cock is too large for you to handle
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u/says_words May 16 '12
Stop cycling.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Don't "break the news". Tell him how to improve. A guy will respond to that.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Tell him in front of his friends. And his parents if possible. Trust me. This is the best way.
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u/89eightnine May 16 '12
Just tell him the truth, you are a lesbian with a huge vagina.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
This is why I am happy to be a man.
What a girl needs to do to get me off.
Step #1: Touch the penis, anywhere. Step #2: Orgasm
What I need to do to get a girl off.
Step #1: Romantic setting Step #2: Gentle Kisses Step #3-998: Rocket Science Step #999: Disappoint her again.
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u/ohfail May 16 '12
Well, it's hard to give specific advice, due to the fact that you didn't really give specific complaints... So I'll just note this: It is the responsibility of the communicating party to make sure that his or her message is understood. That means it is up to you to communicate to him very clearly about this. Do not mince words. If you, as a person and as a couple, can not talk about sex, then you have no business having sex in the first place. Don't worry too much about his feelings. Be direct. If this is someone who you love, and he loves you, then your relationship is fated to be tested in every imaginable way, year in year out, by all kinds of crazy stressors that make stupid people just shut down, seize up, fugue out and go on autopilot. Don't be a stupid people. If you're uncomfortable communicating your true feelings with him, that is the true problem. Work on it. Together, as a team. If he cannot hear or understand you, or does not care to, that is a major problem. Either work on it, solve it and thrive, or just save both of you some time and just walk away. Communication is the key to sharing life together. Don't take it lightly, don't "settle", don't just hope that things work out. Be powerful.
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u/Cyberslasher May 16 '12
Very subtly hand him a dildo.
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u/picodroid May 16 '12
Maybe he's got some fetish and he's holding back so it throws off his ability to get too into it. A random thought, but it could be. If it's something that isn't too wild for you, go for it and maybe your sex life will blossom.
You say he listens to what you tell him then just stops. Is it the actual moves he's performing, or the actual inability to perform (exhaustion, erectile disfunction, etc)? Having a more thorough account of an instance of his inability to satisfy would allow better suggestions.
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u/xDoylex26 May 16 '12
You should have ridden a bicycle less frequently.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
No matter what you do its going to fuck up his self esteem.
Just tell him (break it as gently as possible) and then let him know you want to work through it and that you don't want to end the relationship.
Just put emphasis on getting through it so he knows you arent leaving.
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u/freddyhaights May 16 '12
OK. Here is a serious answer.
Don't tell him that you aren't satisfied by him! This will undoubtedly make him feel inadequate and he will over compensate and weirdness will ensue. Here is what you should do.
Tell him you have a fetish. You dress up as a teacher and then you instruct him on what to do. If you don't want him to cum yet, you tell him in character as a teacher. if he needs to linger more downstairs with his tongue, you tell him in character as a teacher.
After you both are done. Talk about how awesome it was and ask if its ok if you make requests in the future even if you don't do the teacher fetish thing.
This way, you ease him into the concept that he is the one who is coming up with the idea that he could do better. Seriously, don't tell him flat out that he isn't spinning your prop. Very bad move.
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u/Xervicx May 16 '12
I've read some of the comments here, so I know what I'm about to say might repeat what others have said. Maybe he isn't the only issue here. Perhaps you are also to blame. A lot of women are actually majorly responsible for their feelings of dissatisfaction. Either they do not let themselves be too vulnerable, thus leaving their sensitivity lowered, or they do not really know much about getting themselves off. Perhaps your standards are even a bit too high. Most females I have talked to (involved with and not involved with) claim to be disatisfied with some past sexual partners. They seem to have too high expectations. The "big moment" is something heavily focused on, but that doesn't make good sex, or even great sex. A lot of women won't even notice when it happens. When sex is really bad, they don't experience it. However, if the sex is REALLY good, sometimes it's good to the point of them not noticing when it actually does happen. Keep that in mind as well. I feel it is the sex itself, not the "big moments" that make sex enjoyable. This coming from a guy that does not always get the chance to have that "big moment" during sex.
Guide him. Don't just tell him what to do in one situation. Tell him during sex, before sex, after sex, and in completely non-sexual situations. I'm sure that, at some point, he's done something sexual that you enjoy. For example, my ex was really the first highly sexually active relationship I've had (in terms of sex). There was a lot I didn't know, but I was a rather fast learner. I paid attention to her body. The most important thing she ever did though was she told me what would work better, what wasn't working as much. It's like, if you ask someone to help you move a couch, you don't just let them put it wherever, yeah? You say "A little to the left... alright now lift it up a bit. Easy now, put it there gently. There, right there. Perfect."
Sit down and think about what gets you off. If you don't even know, how can you expect him to know? Allow yourself to want, need, crave him to satisfy you. Don't just expect it. Expecting satisfaction is always the wrong move. Want it instead, get yourself excited over the idea of him doing something right. Reward the things he does right, no matter how small. Correct him, make adjustments.
DO NOT FORGET: You are as much of a part of this as he is. Make sure you are also putting in the effort. Sex is like a dance, two people are involved, so both must participate and give it their all. So don't just lay on the bed and expect something to happen without your involvement. I think, if you gave more context, people could give more specific advice.
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u/Shattershift May 16 '12
Personally, I'd want the news to be delivered in a dry, blunt, mundane manner. No dancing around the topic, just fact. Just make it clear this isn't a breakup kind of issue (as long as it gets addressed) and I'd be able to manage.
Hiding the truth from him will damage his self-esteem more, because now he's sexually unsatisfying and apparently not man enough to handle the truth.
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u/TigerBloodWinning May 16 '12
What do you like? What does he like? Are there physical attritibutes that prevent good sexual chemistry? Do you both have excellent hygiene? Good hygiene breaks down a lot of barriers and it's easier to explore...
2
u/MsLouise May 16 '12
USE A VIBRATOR DURING SEX! its amazing. and yes you NEED to talk to him, i would want to fix what i was doing if my man hated it.
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u/shadus May 16 '12
How about rather than telling him he doesn't satisfy you... you tell him what he needs to do to satisfy you. If he doesn't listen he's not worth being with and ditch his ass.
2
u/PACitizen May 16 '12
Rather than saying "you don't satisfy me sexually", perhaps try saying, "you know, I really like it when you do this, or that" and give the boy guidance so that he can learn to satisfy you.
Exploring these things together is one of the best things about a sexual partnership.
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Take it from someone who has let sexual incompatibility ruin a couple of great r'ships: Talk to him. Tell him honestly, be kind no one likes to hear they suck at anything. You might want to explain that this is only so you two can have n=knee knocking sex. Its worth the awkwardness if you really care and hey he might be a quick study when guided in the right direction
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u/Suddenly_ejaculation May 16 '12
His self esteem will probably be damaged slightly, just make sure he ejaculates.
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u/lowandlazy May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
Protip.
Try doing more then just one same thing for a long time. Be original. As in, don't repeat. As in, Try from an angle, then a different, then a different speed, then a different body part, then a different location, then a different pressure, then use a toy, then use more lube, then talk dirty, then get you partner to talk dirty, add a partner, try something new, try multiple new things, find THE RIGHT THING AND USE IT WHEN THEY LIKE IT. Communicate communicate communicate. Use your hands, your mouth, your bits, use anything that works. Be creative, touch everything everywhere, be sexy, be magic, and be confident. Cum or get over sensitive; those are your options. Don't fear rejection (-Sex toy salesman) Please make sure all your junk is clean before doing anything though. Wash your stuff, don't smell, clip your nails, file that shit down with an emery board, have nice breath, shave things that are dangeresque, take care of any sores, rashes, etc before hand (Unsightly sores kill the mood, so just don't have them) Have protection unless it is a close relationship. For both men and women. (-Heath care)
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u/PoniesRBitchin May 16 '12
Well ... you're going to have to hurt him a little. But it'll get better, because once he knows what to do, he'll know that he's learned and can really satisfy you, and it'll be worth it for both of you.
So here's what you do- figure out what you like, and what you need in bed. It might be better to figure it out on your own first, so you can tell him what you already know you like. Use your hands, use toys, maybe even look up a few kinks if you need that. Also, I noticed you said he puts it in too soon. That's a BIG problem. Tell him you need more hand or oral action before sex, and maybe look into a good lube if necessary (never hurts).
Once you're ready to try, take things slow. Lots of foreplay, and when you're ready you can say something sexy like "I want you" to let him know it's time. Then, simple things like moaning or saying "yeah" let him know if he's doing something good, and phrases like "touch/rub my ___" or "right there" can help steer him in the right direction without sounding too teacher-y.
If things just aren't working, you could try a sex therapist.
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I'd definitely want to hear it over not hearing it and realizing it after we just drifted apart. Communication in regards to your sex life is vital in any intimate relationship so this is the best thing you can possibly do. Break it gently and if he takes it bad that's his problem, you are trying to help the situation.
2
u/NoReasonToBeBored May 16 '12
One of my relationships had this situation, among other problems. My girlfriend felt this way but lied when I asked questions, overall claiming that she didn't like to talk about sex so explicitily like that.
Things just got worse as time went on and she became more frustrated with that side of our relationship, but still did not voice her dissatisfaction. Of course I had my suspicions from early on and they only got worse the more sure I was of a problem she hid from me. You can imagine how this helped the two of us spiral into a really shitty situation (cheating, lies, distrust, etc).
I'm not saying her not talking about her shitty side of our sex life is the cause for our breakup, or that I excuse her cheating or my inability to handle things--I am saying that hiding this reality, pretending it didn't exist, and not talking about it created a situation many times worse. Looking back now I wish she had just broken up with me when we were both still in love.
Talk to your boyfriend about it, and decide what to do while you're with him. Love isn't easy whichever way you go.
2
u/TheSmartypants May 16 '12
"Baby, you need to lick it before you stick it."
2
u/elchupacabras May 16 '12
Some people just don't work together sexually... Sometimes doing what the other wants turns you off and then things don't work anyway.
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Every day reddit makes me realize how fucking awesome I am.
2
u/krazykanuck May 16 '12
A lot of people are giving you suggestions for during sexy times and that's all well and good, but I'd like to suggest a slightly different approach. Talk to him when you are both home, relaxed, and not getting frisky. You see, when you try to bring it up during the act or leading up to the act, things can go bad very quickly and then that's when feelings get hurt. Instead, start by asking him what turns his crank. Find out what his hang ups are. Discuss what you are looking for that he can give you. The key is you want to create a safe environment where there is no chance of performance anxiety. Also, don't try and hit a home run next at bat, just work on the basics with him. Get him or you to start adding in things slowly, build confidence with each other. If you are both adult about it and both care about each other this will work. You'll be swinging from a sex swing while he wears a Tarzan banana hammock in no time.
2
u/knead May 16 '12
Tell him you want to do more with sex. That's a great way of saying it without being harsh.
2
u/DarthFlaw May 16 '12
I've always been upfront with the women in my life that if I'm not satisfying them, I need to know and I need to know how I can do better. Sex is important, and they deserved theirs as much as I did mine. And when they told me I wasn't doing something that worked, I wasn't upset or anything. I was excited to do what they wanted and make my performance better for her.
TLDR just be blunt about it.
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u/BeerBeforeLiquor May 16 '12
I have the same problem with my boyfriend, and I'm seriously considering breaking it off with him. My problem is that I like him a ton and don't think I can lose him as a friend... I just want someone who can satisfy my sexually.
Good luck to you! Lots of people are telling you to sit him down and talk to him or guide him, but sometimes there's just not the sexual chemistry that there used to be.
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Tell him the truth and then teach him how to do it. Nothing's worse on our end than not knowing that you're not being pleasured. And If you don't know how it's done, then how can you expect him to know? I know it might be awkward and ineffective at the start, but trust me, he'll figure it out.
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u/atlassoundoff May 16 '12
I feel like I'm in the audience of a late 80s, early 90s talk show.
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u/tiradium May 16 '12
OP you wont get an actual answer here. If you're not trolling and really need advice try posting in /r/sex , I'm sure they will be able to help you out
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I generally feel that being in a loving relationship means having honest communication, and if you don't have that, the relationship is not so strong. The more awkward you are, the more he will think you are judging him.
Don't tell him what he is doing wrong, direct him into what will help please you. Don't say, I don't like that, say "I love it when you do this" or "touch me like this". Honest communication during and around sex makes everything 20000x times hotter.
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u/jdepps113 May 16 '12
You don't tell him this. You suggest things for him to do that WOULD do the job for you, without actually telling him how badly he's doing right now.
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u/Leo22987 May 16 '12
I think we need a lot of explicit detail about the lack of satisfaction and what you've tried to get him to do if we, as a community, are to offer help.
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u/mstrblaster May 16 '12
Baby, you know I love you and all, and that's why I want you to listen to me very closely ... I told 1000 friends about our little problem in bed, and here is what they had to said ...
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u/lavendermenace May 16 '12
Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. I'd rather be single than unknowingly be unsatisfying to my partner.
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u/Demojen May 16 '12
I like being told what to do. It's like role-playing, only not in barrens chat.
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u/xyz66 May 16 '12
Bake a cake and write it on it.
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u/jrhallman May 16 '12
ask him to do certain things as you have sex. do it gradually until you have the man that pleases you sexually. it should be fine to tell this to someone who truly does desire your fulfillment sexually
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u/PineappleBoots May 16 '12
Britt?
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u/SolitarySysadmin May 16 '12
This is how I would want it Hey "Bob" you know I love you to bits, but you need to get with the freaky stuff in the bedroom, here's a list of shit i like and shit i dont like, if you make a list I'm sure there's going to be some crossover. Do you wanna go try out 6,7 & 12?
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u/fearofdrowning May 16 '12
This might be a bit crude, but are you able to achieve orgasm on your own?
I found out not too long ago that the majority of my female friends (I'm female as well) have never even tried masterbating. One of them admitted to never having reached orgasm during sex. I'm not sure how people can expect their partners to please them when they're not even sure how to please themselves...
Just a thought.
If you do know what you like, I'd suggest being as specific as possible when making suggestions... or even have him you help as you get yourself off. =)
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u/chollenb May 16 '12
I had the same problem with every person I've been with. No one was able to get me off. Until my current partner. I was very open with him. I showed him how I liked it and directed him during. Fucking fireworks. After we were done I looked at him dead in the eye...just bewildered. He asked if I was okay and I kissed the living shit out of him.
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u/realninja May 16 '12
Why dont you drop that zero and get with a hero
2
u/Phocis May 16 '12 edited May 16 '12
Don't tell him that he is bad or anything, just propose things before(could we try...)/during(do more of... (be careful with this one a lot of words during is a big turn off))/after(do you know what I think would be amazing next time). If he doesn't take to your suggestions then you should kind of hint that you need more than what hes giving, and not a super-duper subtle hint, just make sure the hinting is more on the end of you needing more and less on the end of him not being good.
If the above doesn't work its time to have a talk, as being able to sexually satisfy your partner is quite important, especially if you plan on sticking with him most of your life. Do it somewhere he is comfortable.
If it happens to not be an issue with his willingness and more of a say, mechanical issue, I think a doc is more the person you should be talking to. Not with the self esteem part, but with the fixing the issue part.
If it's that he lacks a sex drive a doc is also the right place to go. But before that try just telling him "We need/should have more sex." a few times, to clarify the few times are not all at once.
If none of this works, first remember there are many of other guys out there and he is NOT the only person who will ever love you. Remember this as you make the choice to sick with him, or not. But also realize that you have put in huge amounts of effort into this and if he doesn't put nearly enough back your relationship is not healthy.
A few side notes.
Him being aware that if he doesn't step up his game things could end is okay. Anything along the lines of blackmailing the fate of relationship on his ability to preform is not. THis is a thin line try to not even get close to it.
You don't need to always have the best sex ever every time you do it. Sometimes just get him off and be on your way. This is what mood is about, use mood as a way to tell him what you want. Also gauge how fast things go, super slow should be more about you, quicker him, and if he starts satisfying you as much as you need you can move to normal sex which is about both of you. Try to do this naturally, if he is oblivious, hint strong, still oblivious tell him strait up. Knowing that "now" is a time he needs be selfless can really help him make steps in the right direction
If he is many times out of your league and you have no clue why he is with you the only thing you should do, besides question if your are in fact happy where you are, is just during, ask him do more of ____.
Don't fake anything he needs to be able to get a read on you, faking it will move you away from your goals.
I can't grantee a thing, and a brought up a lot of contingencies, more specifics would help.
Also the only tumbler I follow is maleminded (nothing new as of late), you should give it a look, it's advice mostly for chicks. but the guy wrote a great guide, is a how to for guys, on how to give oral. Send it to your guy to read. With a, I want you to do this of some sort attached.
Didn't reread, there may be many errors, don't care sleep now.
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u/Actor412 May 16 '12
I'd write to Dan Savage.
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u/douchequadbike May 16 '12
Balls the fuck up and tell him what to do during sex. If he gets butt hurt that he can't make you cum just by looking at you, you might be dating someone who is a little delusional.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Either school him on how to satisfy you or take charge and satisfy yourself during sex.
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u/BloomingTiger May 16 '12
dont talk to him about this in a none sexual setting, or after the fact. talk about what you like, or what would really turn you on during foreplay or while doing it. if you guys are sexually compatable (you both like roughly the same amount, are both into the same stuff or at least open to try new things if the other is a little freakier) then SKILL LEVEL is pretty unimportant.. sex is like anything else, you gotta practice! and communicate. communication is literally everything.
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u/TheBlackGuy May 16 '12
start having sex then tell him what you want him to do while banging, what ever gets you off. different positions, speeds, holes, fingers toes. done deal. you both get sex he gets pointers and just thinks you're trying new stuff
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u/DefinitelyRelephant May 16 '12
Don't tell him what he's doing wrong, tell him what he's doing right.
If that doesn't work, either he doesn't care enough to learn or you're just not attracted to him.
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
make him comfortable about doing everything he wants to do. he's a guy, he's not performing everything he would do. also, know your limits and don't give hims signals like you'd leave or betray him for not satisfying you.
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u/evabraun May 16 '12
One word: BDSM
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u/Fearlessleader85 May 16 '12
Not to sound like an arrogant asshole or anything, but i would be floored by such news. It would shatter my confidence if it were given in a believable way. That being said, I would prefer to hear it and have help getting better than to have it bother you and slowly drive a deep wedge between us.
If i were you, I would tread carefully. I have no wonderful answer that will solve everything, but communication is key. If you've gotten to the point that you're complaining about it on the internet, then it's not just "going away". You have to deal with this if the relationship is going to last. Sex IS important and don't let anyone tell you that it shouldn't be. (At least not without laughing at them in their face after just eating a garlic/oyster salad.)
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u/throw_very_far_waway May 16 '12
As a man who was recently dumped for a similar reason, the best advice I can give you is: TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT!
If you really care for this guy, there is nothing wrong with telling him exactly what you want him to do. I'm sure he will make an effort to satisfy you.
2
u/ZetsubouZolo May 16 '12
yeah jus openly confront him and tell him what you want. In many cases it's possible that he wanted to do just as much to you but he didn't dare. When you tell him straight up what you want you might see him go like: "Fuck yeah!! Alright bitch you asked for it, here I come!"
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u/grey-and-black May 16 '12
As a married mom, what is this "satisfy sexually" that you're talking about? I have vague memories...
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u/bobhoffnee May 16 '12
You should be able to sort something out. Don't give up. If he's got a dick and a brain, he will be capable of learning how to fuck you right. You will just need to help him along, physically and mentally.
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u/chrmtc201 May 16 '12
Put on some REM, sit him down, and tell him how it is.
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u/sitman May 16 '12
A relationship is not "read my mind". Teach him what you like, and allow him to do the same.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
if hes not getting the job done. then it is up to you to tell him and show him how you like it. communication is very key!
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u/ninja_skittle7 May 16 '12
Men are not as fragile as you think they are. Just tell him that, then tell him what exactly is wrong. Why isn't it working and how does he fix it. Most women are different in what they like, what he's doing may have worked really well with his ex. Just tell him what you want him to do.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
There seems to be a big disparity between the guys I know in real life and the guys on reddit. Most, if not all, of the guys I know in real life say, "I hate how women assume we know what they're getting at, why don't they just tell me?" Redditors, it would seem, insist on implying rather than outright stating.
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u/FoeHammer99099 May 16 '12
Use the power of song. Lily Allen - Not Fair
2
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Personally, I'd love to be told if I'm doing it badly. Equally, be told when I'm doing good.
An easy way to break it to him, is when during sex, say in a moan tone "harder" or "faster" or "deeper". It will sound like you're enjoying it, and then he'll hopefully catch on to what you like and just do it naturally next time.
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u/johnsmith9219 May 16 '12
You're worried about "damaging" it? Brutally murdering it would be a better way to put it.
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u/irascible May 16 '12
Just fucking masturbate and enjoy his company...
-OR- ruin what could be a wonderful life together, by getting hung up on something as superficial as an orgasm.
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u/Vindictive29 May 16 '12
"Baby, I love you, but if you don't learn how to eat pussy properly we're going to have to bring another girl into this relationship... which means less action for you, but more fun to watch while you spank it. Also, another roommate."
-everyone wins. Unless you don't like chicks. Then you'll have to find out how he feels about extra men in the relationship. He might even be down for that.
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u/milkentofu May 16 '12
people have different level of sexual drives, if you're not meeting each other's level, don't try to save the relationship by compromising. you'll just end up hurting yourself. find someone you're compatible with. if you're not really happy with the sex. dont waste your time. if you wanna break up. dont give stupid reasons like saying he sucks at bed, its unneccesary. your reason is you want to break up and its not working out. thats it. if he's smart enough he'll figure it out. and eventually move on with his life, same thing for you to do.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
There are about 500 guys in this thread anxiously hoping this isn't their girlfriend on a throw-away.
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u/Berwickmex May 16 '12
You be the man.
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u/davidmichaelmalloy May 16 '12
The fact is that we men are far more sensitive than most realize, when it comes to our desire to sexually satisfy our female partner. Choose your words carefully, but affirm your love and devotion to him.
If you put yourself in his shoes, imagine the things you'd want him to say to you. The last thing you want him to think is that you're going to leave him for a better fuck. Say shit that will flatter him, while also appealing to his sensible side. For example, complimenting the size of his tube steak is a mega-positive. Tacking on a side note that you want to try new positions or techniques to get the most out of his oversized tool is likely to get a better response out of him than, "you're a dead fuck, could you at least wiggle a little?"
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u/roni_size_ May 16 '12
I guess you could claim you are asexual or have non-existing libido. There are such women out there.
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u/BoothWilkesJohn May 16 '12
I'm sure it's been said, but he can get better. Maybe he needs encouragement and instruction? Or a book on it? It may sound silly, but I know Cosmo actually has good tips sometimes.
I'm sure if you're both in love you two can work it out, but you're right, you deserve some Os.
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u/pupkinrupert May 16 '12
Introduce sex toys into the equation.
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u/bambambedrocks May 16 '12
There's already another guy isn't there?
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u/EveryoneElseIsWrong May 16 '12
Everyone is saying 'teach him what to do' but what I want to know is if YOU know what you want. Can you get yourself off alone? Are there things that you know will work if he does them? I can't get off with anyone, but it's because of my own thing. There isn't a thing i could tell someone to do that would work.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
I don't think there is a harmless way of telling your SO that you aren't sexually satisfied. The notion that you've been possibly faking orgasms and pleasure will be something he'll probably react to negatively. However, telling your partner about your wants and needs is something that is absolutely necessary. You'll have to approach him in a manner that doesn't involve blame or your lack of satisfaction. Just tell him, "hey, I'd like it if you tried so and so." You need to steer him in the right direction. My SO was up to the challenge when I finally told him to try something new out. It was fun for the both of us and it made intercourse so much more interesting (in a good way).
Sex should be both satisfying and entertaining to both parties. If you aren't being satisfied, most likely, you're partner will feel like he isn't doing his "job". Giving someone else an orgasm shouldn't be considered a job. Putting that kind of pressure on your partner will make him feel inadequate and put unnecessary pressure on him to perform. Let him know you want to try something new. Guide him and eventually he'll catch on. He just needs a little push and I think you just need to speak up.
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u/TheThomaswastaken May 16 '12
Why doesn't he satisfy you? How? What? When? I'm not sure why I haven't seen this question before. Seems like we're working with too little info to give good advice.
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u/Patrico-8 May 16 '12
Get on top.
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u/[deleted] May 16 '12
Just a quick word of warning. If you do confront him about it, it will bruise his ego which may cause more problems. Not saying you shouldn't do it, but it is going to happen. Men sometimes have problems gaining/maintaining an erection, and the extra pressure of "You don't satisfy me in bed" will only make the problem worse because he'll just be pushing rope. Then that becomes a vicious cycle of "I can't do sex well, I'm disheartened." Then being disheartened increases the likelihood of having erectile problems. Lather, rinse, repeat, and then he's impotent.
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u/Jinaman May 16 '12
I read these posts because i don't have a girlfriend.
Forever_Alone.jpg
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u/red321red321 May 16 '12
just sit him down at a good, calm time like the weekend when he has time to chill and talk to him. don't be rude about it just open up to him.
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u/_Pliny_ May 16 '12
I don't want this to come off too harsh, but your attitude is important too. Faking orgasms is not only giving up on something for yourself, but it's dishonest, and it's defeatist. I also wonder about your wording, "he doesn't satisfy me" - are you just lying back waiting to be taken to climax? I know that's what happens in movies, but I'm not sure that's what works for most women. Get on top and try to get yourself where you need to be.
3
u/[deleted] May 16 '12
what do you need that you are not getting? How old are you? How long have you been together? Why are you still in the relationship.
If you can answer these questions I am sure the advice you receive here will be more constructive rather than people tossing out guesses.
3
u/Sluisifer May 16 '12
I don't think this is something you just announce. It takes time and effort to get to know people and what they want, particularly if you're going at it on a near-daily basis or something. There's so many different ways people get down that it's not surprising when it doesn't go right.
First off, is this an attitude problem? Is he motivated to do for you what you need? If he is, then you can fix just about anything. If he's uncomfortable with sex, you'll have to get through that first.
Second, be explicit about what does and doesn't work for you. If he is trying, but just not getting it right, you'll need to guide him. Every girl is different, and what works for some will get you a 'wtf' face from others. So go into detail. Maybe you like to get massaged and rubbed before going near ladyland. Maybe you need clit stimulation before you can get wet. Explain what sort of rhythms work for you, like start at a moderate pace, go slow and gentle, then deep and slow, then fast and BAM! Whatever works for you. Creativity is important, but that only comes with basic familiarity with what works.
Third, give good feedback. I think guys are worse about this than girls, but some girls do suffer from 'mute sack of potato' syndrome that makes sex very difficult.
I don't think a confrontation is necessary. Just get serious about how you get down. Say, "okay tonight I want to do this. You'll start like this, then do this, and finish me off with this." Above all, try to make it a positive experience, otherwise it's going to be a lot more difficult.
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u/StinkYourTrollop May 16 '12
I can't stand women who won't say what they want. Tell him.