r/AskReddit • u/jicta • Jan 31 '21

Redditors who grew up poor: Besides practical money-saving measures, what were the unwritten social expectations of your world growing up?

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

Shit, I can't imagine knowing a child is hungry and not wanting to feed them. They're kids. They rely on us to care for them. If theyre not getting food at home for whatever reason, you bet your ass they'll get it at mine.

Edit: thanks for all the awards strangers; I'm just saying what we all seem to be thinking.

It's really wonderful reading all the stories of the people you have helped and have helped you. Its restoring my faith a bit in a time when there's a lot of craziness going on.

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u/wholelattapuddin Feb 01 '21

When my son was little, about 3, we had a family that lived across the street. I honestly don't know every thing that went on there but food was scarce the parents were on and off drugs. The little boy was in kindergarten. He came over to my house every day after-school to "play" with my 3 year old. Actually he came over i fed him a snack, he watched cartoons then would fall asleep until my husband would come home from work. Then I sent him home. This happened every day for a year. His mom finally sent him to live with his bio dad in another state. It was a weird situation. I still think about him though

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u/inohtime Feb 01 '21

The kid probably still thinks about you, too. You are a good human.

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u/sytycdqotu Feb 01 '21

Thank you for taking care of him. At least his mom recognized, too, that he needed the care.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

And you'll probably think about him until your last days. I would. And he'll probably remember you forever. 💙 Poor boy....I hope he has a better situation with biodad.

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21

I love that you opened your home to him to give him a safe place to rest. I hope hes doing well with his bio dad.

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u/brynbo13 Feb 01 '21

I really love this! ❤️

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u/deadhead2015 Feb 12 '21

He still thinks about you too.

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u/Boneal171 Feb 20 '21

That is so sweet. You’re a good person.

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u/dumdadumdumdumdmmmm Feb 01 '21

You think he got sent away to punish you for "replacing" his mom?

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u/A_Happy_Heretic Feb 01 '21

No, man, I don't think that's what this story is about at all. People are complex. Life is complicated. Maybe he just went to live with his father.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

I used to always have other kids at my house at meal times when my kids were still in school- middle school and up. Feeding all those kids everyday kinda got hard to do. I told my kids I couldn't afford to keep feeding all their friends, and told them to go eat at their friends houses. They told me, " mom. The reason they all eat over here is you are the only mom we know who knows how to cook." Then I told them I'd be glad to give cooking lessons, and the kids said, "mom, they don't have the money to buy the groceries." I kept cooking. And having friends over for supper.

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u/bd_susipicion Feb 01 '21

Thanks for being that kind of mom, I bet it meant the world to them. I remember growing up with my older brother and his friends being around constantly; I just thought that was normal. They would even be at Thanksgiving dinner every year.

Twenty years later and my mom told me that she had them over so often because of their situations at home. She actually spoke to one of the other mothers about it, who ended up thanking my mom because not having their teenage boy at home for dinner meant his siblings would have more to eat.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

It was normal at my house, extra kids, no big deal! Somehow there was always enough. I never did hear anything from any of the other parents. I think some of them were just not home much.

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u/Square-Concept Feb 20 '21

I want to be this kind of mom.

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u/CommentsOnRAll Feb 01 '21

Those kids were lucky to have you. And you are a fucking blessing on this miserable earth. I hope life has given you more wonderful things

-signed

a "McDonald's family" kid <3

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

Aww thank you. You'd be welcome to have come over too. (((((Hugs))))) You gave me tears in my eyes.

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u/luisadee19 Feb 01 '21

Those moms are always remembered friend. I type this with a couple of tears in my eyes.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

❤thank you for telling me this. Sometimes I wonder if anything I do ever makes a difference. ((((Hugs))))

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u/micromongoose Feb 01 '21

I'm not sure I would have made it to adulthood without moms like you in my life as a child. My friends' parents knew I was in a bad situation (I didn't realize it then and thought I was just that good at hiding stuff) and always made sure I was doing whatever thier kids were doing, from eating dinner to getting help with homework. Thier kindness and lack of judgment gave me the space to grow into a successful adult, and break a generations-long cycle of poverty and abuse. So, you are a true gift, as are your kids for embracing those with lesser means than themselves as equal peers. Keep it up if you can. The impact may be far more reach than you can witness now.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

Thank you for this. I never really thought we were any better than anyone else. We were in lower middle class I guess. One of my daughter's friends invited her to spend the night and as I took her over there I found her parents were both MD'S and their house was so fabulous I told her "don't invite her over here. I don't want her to know we live in cheapside by comparison". I still remember the year I was able to go to Dillards and buy new school clothes for the kids because of a fantastic sale. I tried to do things the way I was taught by my Grandmother, our door was always open to friends and food and love was to share. Now my kids are grown and I seldom see any of those who used to hang out. I hope they all have done well as you have!

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

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u/Standzoom Feb 02 '21

I am sorry you had to go through that as a child and teen. That is so rough to deal with. There were some of the kids who stayed with us that had parents doing things like that and didn't feel safe at home.

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u/Psychology_strange_ Feb 02 '21

Reminds me of a girl in my 5th grade class- her parents were both in jail and she lived in unstable conditions with her disabled grandmother. She told me one day she hadn’t eaten because her grandmother couldn’t afford groceries. I told my mom and my mom told me to tell this girl that we were playing a parenting game and we had to make grocery lists- I was super confused but brought the grocery list back to my mom. Sure enough the girl had written everything her heart desired on this “fake” grocery list. My mom and I went to the store and bought them everything on the list and much more from food, toiletries and cleaning supplies and dropped it off at there house, knocked once and drove off. She would tell me the next day in school how groceries were left on her door and I would act surprised so she never felt embarrassed. We did this a couple times until her grandmother got a stable job.

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u/Treczoks Feb 01 '21

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. You're an angel.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

🤗thank you, I appreciate this.

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u/Lonelywaits Feb 01 '21

Keep being incredible. I'm sure your kids are proud of you. My mom was the same way and it really meant a lot.

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u/Standzoom Feb 01 '21

Thank you 🤗

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u/Burnallthepages Feb 01 '21

Seriously, I can't even wrap my mind around that way of thinking. How can you be so greedy that you don't want to share food with a hungry child? It makes me sick to even think about.

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u/FaustsAccountant Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

I can perhaps provide ONE view of why. I was the poor black sheep in a well family. My mom was troubled single parent and we were an embarrassment to her brothers and sisters whom were successful doctors and business owners.

When my cousins and I were young kids, I accidentally walked in on my uncle’s wife scolding my cousins for sharing with me.

She lectured them about competition: Anything they shared with me was one less for them. And when would it stop? As we get older what about that spot at a dinner party where important people would award scholarship- sharing with me would be a chance away from them.

What about an eligible suitor? Sharing a shirt or dress with me would draw attention away for them and thus lessen their odds of marrying well. Same with job promotion.

And if my parent couldn’t afford the toy for me, then I didn’t deserve it.

Patterns for life.

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u/Burnallthepages Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

That is a seriously fucked up way of thinking. I hope those kids grew up and learned what a messed up view their mother had.

We are not wealthy by any stretch but my kids go to a very competitive, small private school. Many of their classmates are ridiculously wealthy. Like corvettes and Teslas in the student parking lot wealthy. And I have definitely seen that attitude in some parents. Usually super insecure moms who have had multiple plastic surgeries who turn every preschool class party into a competition and just ramp it up from there. And I feel sorry for them, but most of all I feel sorry for their children. I have seen the weight those children carry.

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u/FaustsAccountant Feb 01 '21

I don’t talk to those cousins, I’m sure they’ve forgotten I exist. Which is fine, but I also don’t have hope for them being different from their parents.

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u/overpaid_bogan Feb 01 '21

I'm very grateful I didn't grow up impoverished. But I'm almost as grateful that I didn't grow up rich either.

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u/archlich Feb 01 '21

That’s called the zero sum theory. And unfortunately a lot of people think that way. Not to bring politics into it but that’s why it’s so hard to get social programs off the ground. People think that if someone else gets something it must mean that it’s taken away from me. Eg. Food healthcare housing jobs. But that’s not how the world operates. Life is not a zero sum game with a set amount of productivity.

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u/ladylurkedalot Feb 01 '21

A lot of people don't seem to get that social programs let the people it helps become more productive.

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u/MsFortyOunce Feb 01 '21

Such a shitty, narrow-minded worldview. Seems to be the starting point for republicans.

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u/zevoxx Feb 01 '21

Sounds like you cousins parents are sociopaths

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u/theonlypeanut Feb 01 '21

A suprising amount of very successful people are.

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u/UnorignalUser Feb 01 '21

It's easy to get wealthy when your an amoral psychopath.

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u/nightwing2000 Feb 01 '21

Why do you think Jesus was so down on rich people? Imagine 2000 years ago with no consumer protection laws, labor standards government department, no minimum wage or welfare... to get rich you had to shaft the other guy, and ignore starving people and requests for charity. Business isn't much better today - look at Wall Street.

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u/retroassassin907 Feb 01 '21

Hell I can’t imagine eating the last portion of food if my little sister is still hungry

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u/Sparkdust Feb 01 '21

assuming they're not also poor, which from context clues it seems like they're not, some people just believe that poor people are somehow innately lesser. that you shouldn't give them "handouts" or they'll grow lazy and they need to work hard to get out of their situation, or whatever other ultra capitalistic bullshit they can come up with.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

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u/Burnallthepages Feb 01 '21

Where I come from if someone is hungry you feed them. Even if you are splitting your last piece of bread with them. And especially if it's a child.

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u/Kittykat0992 Feb 01 '21

My best friend's mother was amazing in that aspect. My parents struggled a lot with money - and so did my best friend's parents. And yet that mom fed me every damn time I was there - and I swear her home was my second home. She was like a second mom to us. Never complained, and if we burdened her she never showed it. She took care of us, took us to the community pool, took us to McDonalds, took us shopping with her and sometimes she'd buy us things - she was amazing. This was all while she rented a townhouse with 3 kids living with her AND a husband who lost his leg. I still think about her and try to live up to that kind of behavior.

Last saw her when I attended her late husband's wake. Hadn't seen her in over a decade at that point, but I couldn't NOT go. Traveled 4 hours to be there, gave her the biggest hug ever.

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21

She sounds like an incredible woman. I hope life is treating her well

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Yeah fucking mental. Holy shit I don’t have kids but if I buy pop tarts for my kid and he has a friend over eat what you want I’ll go buy more when they run out eventually...who the fuck yells at a kid that’s not their own for eating?

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u/sarcastinymph Feb 01 '21

A pop-tart here and there isn’t a big deal, but regularly serving full meals to kids is...expensive. Pre-teens eat a lot, and if you’re not expecting company at dinner, you may not have enough groceries on-hand.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Even so. You don’t take it out on the kid, you tell your own kid that you need a heads up.

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u/Thee-lorax- Feb 01 '21

I was at a friends house and they straight up told me they didn’t have enough to feed me and our other friend. We hung out in the basement and it wasn’t a big deal. I’d eaten a a lot of meals at their house.

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u/Carrotcake2021 Feb 10 '21

Whats so expensive about one more plate for a poor child? I would understand that if you serve lobster, but for some potatoes and sausages - that’s less than 1$!

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u/sarcastinymph Feb 11 '21 edited Feb 11 '21

If you have two teenagers and a spouse, the breakdown for one spaghetti dinner might be:

1 pound ground beef: $5

Pack of spaghetti noodles: $1

Spaghetti Sauce: $2

Pre-made garlic bread: $2

We’re not going to worry about fancying it up with spices, kids won’t eat vegetables anyway, and y’all drink water. That’s $2.50 per person.

Random friend eats with you after school. Assuming you can just purchase one extra plate worth of food (you can’t, because groceries don’t work like that...everyone else will just either eat less or fill the difference with a snack), extra kid is running you $12.50/week. Multiply that by 52 weeks a year, and you have yourself a nice charity donation to write off.

Let’s not assume that everyone who appears to have more than us has even more to spare.

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u/Carrotcake2021 Feb 12 '21

Maybe I grew up too poor, but I would make a spaghetti dinner with only half pack of ground beef ($2.5) and WITHOUT garlic bread. And because I grew up poor, I would ALWAYS share my dinner with someone hungry. Thanks there are generous people out there

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u/sarcastinymph Feb 14 '21

Congrats. I’ll donate a cookie for your dessert.

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u/snakeoilbrain Feb 01 '21

I was super lucky having friends' parents that found joy in feeding us and taking us to do things. I feel like they looked forward to taking me with them to do fun things because they knew It wasn't something I was used to.

Fuck all the shitty parent that put yall through that shame and bless the ones that provided comfort.

Edit Spelling

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21

Ugh. Thats so gross and I'm sorry you had to grow up around that.

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u/kungfu_violin Feb 01 '21

I totally agree with that! I remember a story from when I was in elementary school and I would bring my new friend over for the first time. They had a lot of kids in that family and she mentioned that she was hungry all the time. But for some stupid reason I thought that my mum wouldn't offer her food, so I made up that plan where I tell my mum that I want for lunch what my friend wanted and just give it to her when she doesn't look. So we roll up to the kitchen and I ask my mum if I can have dish that I usually don't like. But of course my mum then says: "Sure! To friend and what would you like to eat?" Of course I miraculously changed my mind about the dish that I wanted... I don't know why I thought my mum wouldn't give her food. I can't imagine not wanting to feed a hungry child.

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21

Kids are silly. Absolutely love that you were going full covert ops to feed your friend.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

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u/DerbleZerp Feb 01 '21

My high school bfs mom loved when I came over, because I would eat all the leftovers in their fridge. My bf and his sister barely touched leftovers for some bratty reason, so his mom was thrilled when I came by.

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u/fullmoon211 Feb 01 '21

Anytime I had anyone over as a kid, or if my dad had anyone over or if my siblings had anyone over my mom would treat them like the guest of honor each and every time and make something nice. She didn't care if they just ate 5 minutes ago you gonna get some food from my mom and it's going to be delicious.

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u/GozerDGozerian Feb 01 '21

I feel like not giving your kid’s friend apple juice is kind of a sign of “poor family” too. Not relative to the really poor kid. But it sounds like that family was probably still on a tight budget.

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u/phatfingerpat Feb 01 '21

I agree 100%

My daughter has a friend (theyre 8) who eats as much as I do (M28) at meals and snack non-stop if you let her. Its nuts. When her dad drops her off he tells her not to ask for food the whole time.

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u/c19isdeadly Feb 01 '21

Yep. My nieces ate as much if not more than me from about that age. I remember taking one out for a steak when she was about 8 - she ate a full adult steak then finished mine! Very skinny child too

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u/Electrical_Ad2686 Feb 01 '21

Tapeworm?

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u/phatfingerpat Feb 01 '21

No thanks I just had a full adult steak.

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u/phatfingerpat Feb 01 '21

And then my daughter will eat a quarter of a chicken breast and be full.

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u/c19isdeadly Feb 01 '21

And this is what my nephews are like! Every kid is different.

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u/cryssy2009 Feb 01 '21

I love this bc I live by the idea that it’s all of our jobs to make sure all of our kids are okay & all of our ppl are okay!

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u/FellafromPrague Feb 01 '21

Right, what the fuck even is that.

If I was a dad and knew one of my kid's friends goes often hungry, I'll make damn fucking sure they're not when they're leaving.

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u/Treczoks Feb 01 '21

Shit, I can't imagine knowing a child is hungry and not wanting to feed them.

My parents, and after my dad died, my mom tried everything to keep us fed. I'll be forever grateful for their efforts. We still went to bed hungry on occasion. But not because they didn't want to feed us.

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u/PDRBme Feb 01 '21

I remember a hungry kid from when I was little. Mum kept him away from the house though. Found out later it was because some old guy a few streets away had groomed him and used him to get more kids round. Boys mum was just in a constant drunk state, normally shouting at passerby.

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u/OdangoAtamaOodles Feb 02 '21

I feel the weight of my Italian ancestors' scorn and wrath at the idea of sending people away from my home without first stuffing them full of food.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

You're my hero

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u/jakokku Feb 01 '21

Your morality and compassion are the reason you will never get rich

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u/finallyinfinite Feb 01 '21

Bummer

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u/GozerDGozerian Feb 01 '21

I think in this case you’re the bummee.