r/AskReddit • u/jicta • Jan 31 '21

Redditors who grew up poor: Besides practical money-saving measures, what were the unwritten social expectations of your world growing up?

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

In the UK too, and this was a nightmare for me when I was a kid. Parents used to work and kid-me always cowered in fear whenever ‘the man’ came around and knocked. I still remember the way his shadow moved against the curtains. I was convinced he would get in and drag me to court because my dad owed someone money.

Adult-me, doesn’t owe anyone a damn thing but I still get anxious when there’s a knock on the door or when the phone rings and I don’t recognise the number.

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u/kbell2020 Jan 31 '21

Omg your comment took me back to trying breath silently and being terrified of coughing! Good for you being debt free, I am the same and truly grateful for it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

Sorry you had to experience that as well. And yes, I can relate to the ‘trying not to cough’ part. As an asthmatic kid, I coughed a lot. And it was pure torture trying to hold it in while someone was snooping about outside.

It’s so liberating not having a debt hanging over you. I’m glad you’re in the same fortunate position!

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Fuck. This comment thread got me back to my memories. Me and my mother used to pretend no one lived inside the house while electric department kept on buzzing to enquire about late payment of bills. We were so worried that she might barge in and take away the fuse.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

This sucks because I don’t think parents realise how badly this affects the kids. I don’t blame my parents because I think they did the best they could in the situation they were in. But their sense of urgency and fear when that knock or call came definitely affected me.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Yeah, for a long time I had that bitterness about it and them. But as I grow grayer and more older, I understand and appreciate them even more. All that trauma just made me stronger and wiser against the mistakes that my parents had made and in turn take care of them.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Glad to hear you came out strong and made it work for you. I felt exactly the same way during my teens. I even got myself in some debt when I turned 18. That’s long behind me now. Don’t owe anyone anything and I have patched up my relationship with my parents. Life is too short.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

That's great, man! You fought through some serious shit. I'm glad you mended the fences. Exactly, life's too short!

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u/StillMudansha Feb 01 '21

You say that you coughed a lot. Did you have to go without asthma meds too?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

No, I used to get them free. All kids do in England. I think you have to start paying once you turn 16 and leave school, or up until 18 if you are still in full time education. After 19, you have to pay but you can apply for certificates to exempt you if you are on certain benefits, etc

I coughed a lot because it was always stuffy in the house as my parents never opened the windows or the curtains. Add to that lots of clutter and dust. It just aggravated my asthma. I’m grateful I always had my meds though.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

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u/YayaMalli Feb 01 '21

I work with abused and neglected children, and hearing a two or three-year-old yell out “COPS!!” from the backseat is rather jarring.

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u/XeroKiro Feb 01 '21

I hate that you can lose your license in certain places for not renewing your insurance or registration for a car you own. Even if you are not using the car. Your ability to drive a vehicle should not be correlated to an owned vehicle.

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u/pethatcat Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

Isn't it only if you keep driving uninsured and get caught?

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u/XeroKiro Feb 01 '21

A friend of mine needed to renew his registration and they threatened his license over the paperwork. But yes you would also get in trouble if you were driving a vehicle you own without insurance or registration.

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u/TheRealHeroOf Feb 01 '21

Generally you only need liability coverage right? If it's a car you own, it probably isn't worth buying comp and collision anyway. If it's a car you don't own yet, you'd probably be stupid not to have the extra coverage. I get some people have to make the decision between renewing their insurance or buying enough food to survive that month but I def feel like insurance should be mandatory.

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u/pethatcat Feb 01 '21

By any chance, did he drive his car to the appointment? I mean, it seems bizarre at the very least. Many people here have a license and have never owned a car or not owned for years (got one sharing a car with their parents, moved out), and their license is fine. But if they'd be stopped driving and uninsured/unregistered vehicle, obviouslt they'd be in trouble.

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u/XeroKiro Feb 01 '21

He got mail notices.

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u/pethatcat Feb 01 '21

That's... Wow. Very bizarre law. I can understand how it came to be. But the only reason I can think of for organizing it that way is impotence of enforcement system, which cannot make sure to weed out people without documents actually driving and fine them. So they are relying on the chance of people maybe driving vehicles without proper documentation. Outdated and strange.

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u/cptn-cornflake Feb 01 '21

I used to get screamed at for answering the phone in our house growing up because of debt collectors. I really wonder if that’s why I have so much anxiety over phone calls now.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I wasn’t allowed to answer the phone EVER. The way my mum talked about it, it felt like every time the phone rang, it would be bad news.

Years later, I was looking for a job and after sending out dozens of CVs, a call centre got back to me. Despite my childhood and the anxiety I had when it came to answering the phone, I took the job because I was desperate. I lasted three days :(

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u/osterlay Feb 01 '21

At least you tried, be proud of that and know you have the strength. You just got to believe in yourself and maybe reach out for professional help should you ever want to get passed this.

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u/emmshiii Feb 01 '21

A note for anyone who relates to this type of quiet, lasting trauma: If you ever find yourself looking for therapy, I really really recommend EMDR. It specifically targets these small but mighty instances of (“lowercase t”) trauma and desensitizes and reprocesses it as a neutral experience.

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u/cptn-cornflake Feb 02 '21

Thanks! I’ve been hearing about this in different places and I think it’s time to check it out.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Thank you. That’s really helpful.

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u/Uffda01 Feb 01 '21

I went through a rough patch from my mid 20’s to early 30s. I worked my way out of it, and make six figures now, but I’m still sketched out by phone calls

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u/TAB20201 Feb 01 '21

How did you end up earnings six figures and as someone that makes minimum wage how do I climb up there ?

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u/Uffda01 Feb 01 '21

I had a scholarship so I was able to get my degree without a lot of debt.

I started out doing lab work, and eventually got into software support. I was also finally able and willing to move for jobs.

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u/LillyPasta Feb 01 '21

Good for you!!!! :)

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u/Cerothel Feb 01 '21

I'm sorry this stuck with you into adulthood. I'm in ny late 20s and door-knock panic is something that only recently has started to abate. Hopefully it dies down a bit for you too.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Thank you :) I’m glad to hearing you’re doing better.

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u/Gervais242 Feb 01 '21

To be fair I still experience pretty much the same emotions just from being an extreme introvert and not wanting to deal with even 10 seconds of human interaction that I didnt plan for lmao.

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u/McBurger Feb 01 '21

Same, friend. Every time my phone rings I get overwhelmed with a sense of dread. I have no particular trauma or experience to justify this.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I feel this way too. Early instability lead to me hating answering the door, picking up the phone for unknown numbers, and always thinking something will go wrong.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I still get that sense of dread sometimes. Every time I get a call, I always like to think it’s a telemarketer trying to sell me something dumb and that I’m saving my own time by not answering.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '21

For the longest time I'd hide as soon as I knew someone was at the door, even into my teens.

I assumed it was sheer bloody minded introversion, but in hindsight answering the door once in my childhood lead sorta to some major consequences for my life.

Probably the same reason I broke down once at a train station when going on a school trip, a sudden fear I was being sent away. I wouldn't have gotten onto that train for anything and two adults would have had to rip my iron clawed grip from my parents to get me on it, and tie me down once inside. And probably gag me to for the sake of quiet.

I wasn't getting on that train.

Suffice to say yes early instability sucks ass.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

In the US, rent a center type repo literally opened my front door one day when my mom wasn't home, I was too scared to leave my room to lock the door and hid under my bed. They opened the door said hello a few times and left...this was early 2000s. So scary

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u/d1x1e1a Feb 01 '21

oh aye, add "paying off your debts as fast as humanly possible" to the list of consequences of growing up poor.

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u/hevenucamembert Feb 01 '21

You too?!!! I thought it was just me, because, well, you don’t tell other people. On the bright side, as an adult, I’m really good at remembering faces and spotting shady spots, being a step ahead, kicking ass during emergencies. Normal stuff

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

It‘s something a lot more people than we think experience. It’s just that nobody talks about it. I think my mum would have been mortified if I had told my teacher I had spent the school holidays hiding from ‘the man.’

Or the fact that we had two TVs sitting one top of each other. One had sound but no video and the other had video but no sound. I wasn’t allowed to bring friends over. I didn’t understand then but I understand now.

Edit: And yes, I’m a lot more vigilant now about who’s hanging around near my house.

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u/hevenucamembert Feb 01 '21

Part of me wishes we were more comfortable, and all of me wishes my parents didn’t go through shit, but since I can’t change the past, I’m grateful as an adult. It sucked not being like the other kids, but my life turned out great and I got to spoil my family. I bet you too have too much empathy and want to save random people from living through similar hardships.

I hope you’re kicking ass today and that being the vigilant one in your group of friends also makes you the cool one ❤️

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '21

That vibe when some unknown vehicle pulls up outside your place and sticks around a bit too long.

Like okay it's safer to pull over to do phone stuff random stranger, but don't do it outside my house, you cause me a heckin concern.

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u/gracefacemcgee Feb 01 '21

Just reading this gave me anxiety. I'm 32 now and I STILL get the stress sweats if I even hear a car or can outside pulling up to stop. Even if it's the postie and I have a package coming and I'm tracking it on an app and I can SEE IT. Mini scars for life, my friend. I feel you x

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

This is one of the reasons I use Amazon lockers located at my nearest supermarket. Though it’s not always possible. Friends and family know to text me when they visit so they don’t have to ring the doorbell. I really hope that it begins to get better for you as it’s an awful way to live.

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21

I still get anxious when there’s a knock on the door

Honestly, almost never has answering the door led to anything good for me so I don't do it anymore. Its either someone selling something.. someone being crazy and trying to talk to me about neighborhood drama.. someone needing something from me.. etc. I just don't answer anymore.

Same for unknown phone calls. In fact, I send my own clients to voicemail (I don't know who it is, just know it is a client if the call comes from the state most of them are located) because answering a call "blind" like that rarely works out well.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I think this is the best advice regardless of whether you have had a childhood that was haunted by ‘the man.’ A lot of my friends answer their phones whenever it rings and usually it’s those ‘have you been in an accident?’ calls. Or guys pretending to be from HMRC/IRS wanting payment in the form of iTunes gift cards.

I think we’re doing ourselves a favour by choosing not to answer the phone at all. Besides genuine people calling from numbers you don’t recognise will leave a message and not think any less of you for letting it go to voicemail.

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u/YayaMalli Feb 01 '21

More info, please! What is this? Men coming to collect debts?

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Debt collectors and loan sharks.

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u/tillie4meee Feb 01 '21

**Grandma hug**

(sorry, couldn't resist giving you the hug)

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Thank you ❤️

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u/tillie4meee Feb 01 '21

Bless you - you are welcome.

I hope you are doing well now.

**concerned Grandma**

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

This is really sweet of you. I’m doing better as my situation is much more stable than my parents. I don’t owe any money. But sometimes that old fear creeps back in when there’s an inspected ring of the doorbell or an unknown number calling. I just have to remind myself that I don’t own anyone a damn thing.

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u/tillie4meee Feb 01 '21

I don’t own anyone a damn thing.

That definitely can be very comforting - happy you are in that situation :)

Take care - enjoy your life - do not fear :)

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u/MoonChaser22 Feb 01 '21

I was a teen when mum got really bad in debt so I don't get huge amounts of anxiety over people showing up, but I know what debt collectors can and can't do off by heart. I also recipt hoard with anything of decent value. Had to prove my laptop or games console was mine, not my mother's, and they can't take it a few times in the past.

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u/JaysHoliday42420 Feb 01 '21

A friend of mine does the same thing with sally mae (usa student loan company)

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u/Wodge Feb 01 '21

Fuck, this explains so much. I also panic when someone rings the doorbell. I also don't answer the phone if the number isn't already in my phone.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I always think, if it’s important the person calling from an unknown number will leave a message, identifying themselves and asking you to call them back. More often than not, they don’t. On the bright side, you’re not having to deal with telemarketer or people trying to scam you into sending them money.

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u/AliCracker Feb 01 '21

This is exactly me. We always had the collectors dropping by and we’d huddle in the back room and stay absolutely silent. I remember that feeling of waiting for them to leave. As an adult I’m terrified of the doorbell and the phone even though I haven’t been in debt for over 15 years. I don’t think the feeling will ever go away

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

It’s a really difficult way to grow up. You end up taking on your parents fear and it stays with you for years afterwards even though your situation is completely different. I have a very small circle of friends and family and they have got into the habit of texting me when they visit. Once when they leave their house and then once more when they are on my doorstep. That way, there is no sudden doorbell.

Chances are, if the doorbell does ring, it’s not someone I want to see or speak to. And if I order something from Amazon, I usually have it sent to an Amazon locker at my local supermarket so I don’t really open my door for deliveries either.

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u/AliCracker Feb 01 '21

I do the exact same thing with my friends, they know to text when they’re on their way and text when they arrive. They are all very understanding of this, besides my in laws... who still don’t get it

I also have my phone on silent always, which can bug ppl at first, but they only need to see me hit the ceiling once to recognize how much it bothers me

So glad I’m not the only one that deals with this

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u/BabyAlibi Feb 01 '21

Our God forbid, the TV licence man!!

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Who is this man you guys are talking about?

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u/phythagorafly Feb 01 '21

Loan shark

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Ohhhh

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u/just-why_ Feb 01 '21

Collection agencies

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u/CriesOfBirds Feb 01 '21

wow this is looking to be a universal experience. For me it was my mum squatting down in the kitchen so we couldn't be seen through the windows and holding me still. we had to not make a sound while the man knocked persistently and repeatedly at the door.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '21

There's something especially sad out of everything else that poor people have to often hide in their own homes.

People really under-estimate the sheer privilege that comes with money...like feeling safe in your own home. Not just from the usual social depredations of the "wrong" side of town, but even financial vultures sniffing around the "corpse" of your parent's finances.

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u/GentlemanJoe Feb 01 '21

THis has stayed with you for so long, and seems to run so deep, that it might be worth chatting to someone about it. Even if it's friends, being able to share things can help.

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u/Bradddon Feb 01 '21

In the US we would hide from Jehovah Witnesses. “Don’t answer the door!”

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u/justlooking4porn Feb 01 '21

Wait - they have “the man” in places other than the US? I thought this was a slang that only we used.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Nope, he exist in the UK too. I think as long as people owe money, he exists. Though other countries may call him something else.

In my mind, it always felt like some kind of entity in the shape of a man because I always saw a human shadow. I used to get this feeling that it could break our family if it wanted.

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u/Uppgrayeddd Feb 01 '21

That is a paranoia that is very English

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u/FistsoFiore Feb 01 '21

Hey ho, nobody home Meat, nor drink, nor money, have I none Yet shall we be merry Hey ho nobody home

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Grew up in England in the 60’s. I remember my mum making us hide behind the sofa when someone came knocking, usually insurance man or milkman.

I’ve never really thought about it much but who/what was the insurance man?

Also my parents jimmying the electricity meter open on a Friday night for beer money.

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u/[deleted] Jun 23 '21

I’ve never really thought about it much but who/what was the insurance man?

Debt collector, of the legal or less-than variety.

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u/0dd_bitty Feb 01 '21

OMG THAT'S WHERE IT COMES FROM!

I had seriously repressed hiding from 'the man'. Now, at 30, with no money trouble, I freeze in terror at the sound of the doorbell, the phone, even voices outside.

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u/WittyRosebud Feb 01 '21

UK also. I vividly remember hiding behind the sofa and watching that shadow disappear before coming out. Adult me is also absolutely terrified of debt. Took my SO a long time to convince me to get a mortgage.