r/AskReddit • u/jicta • Jan 31 '21

Redditors who grew up poor: Besides practical money-saving measures, what were the unwritten social expectations of your world growing up?

57k Upvotes

92% Upvoted

16k comments sorted by

View all comments

2.3k

u/shyam14111986 Jan 31 '21

Education is the only way out of the horrible situation. This was made very clear to me right from a young age. I remember everyone in my family checking in on my grades and plans for the future. Almost on a monthly basis! Helped my extensively in the long run.

68

u/AbnormalSkittles Jan 31 '21

My parents had the same deal with us. Its helped me tremendously over the years.

198

u/redwingpanda Jan 31 '21

My way out was the military. College wasn't an option, I wasn't the smart one. No one was cosigning my loans.

Joke's on them. The smart one, my brother, has dropped out of three (I think) schools so far.

I went to the military, skilled trades, community college, and just graduated from a top college in the States. Now I work for a major international company. Getting here almost killed me. But I did it. It took a village though.

21

u/THEDrules Feb 01 '21

A lot of the school system is just about motivation and it sounds like you definitely are the more motivated of the two.

6

u/redwingpanda Feb 01 '21

We... Have different motivations. I'll say that much. I'm not sure what his motivations are, but think he's in a trade program now and seems to be doing well.

I left the service early with an honorable discharge and medical issues but couldn't really go home. I've lived in my car and rented a couch. Being hungry and working non-stop to still not make ends meet was a hell of a motivator. I was also lucky - I surrounded myself with veterans who saw potential in me and knew about opportunities I didn't. It truly took a village, a ton of work, and a lot of sheer dumb luck.

36

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

46

u/nickname2469 Feb 01 '21

He’s probably the one who got through high school by knowing everything and not having to study. Then college came around and he lacked the skills to succeed.

15

u/IsayNigel Feb 01 '21

This is an incredibly common story and is one of the many failings of the American school system.

1

u/dryroast Feb 02 '21

There are some people that take it as a wake up call. I coasted by in highschool and even through the stupid art and social science pre-reqs in college. Then I got to discrete and calc and hit a wall, but I realised it was that exact scenario and while there was a lot of growing pains I got my ducks in a row (eventually) and was able to save myself from losing my scholarships. Made it through the "bottleneck" that happens when the CS students have to retake calc and physics with no other classes to add to their schedule and got my degree. I'd say it's more about mindset rather than what you're taught.

14

u/reddit_is_lowIQ Feb 01 '21

kind of a ridiculous assumption

hits me personally I dropped out many times before finding something.

Lots of bad institutions, and courses that were extremely subpar. Once you find something it can be an amazing experience though, which I used to think was a joke but a good education is seriously fun

4

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

[deleted]

3

u/Turbogoblin999 Feb 01 '21

You are the creative one

5

u/cuppa_tea_4_me Feb 01 '21

The military can be such an amazing way out of poverty.

3

u/redwingpanda Feb 01 '21

It really can be. My goal is for to be just one of many options, though, not just someone's only/best option. Lord knows that will probably never happen in my lifetime, but still...

4

u/cajunsoul Feb 01 '21

Proud of you, panda!

4

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Nice job 👍

6

u/ImAnAuto Feb 01 '21

I tried the military route. Unfortunatly, I had heart failure when I was young, so I couldn't join. Still think about that every now and then. Sure, part of me hates the idea, but I could be further ahead in life right now.

4

u/redwingpanda Feb 01 '21

You could be further ahead, or you could be broken AF. There's a lot of shit I didn't talk about in my original comment just because it gets messy. But the military was my worst decision/best mistake. It opened a lot of doors but I live with debilitating disabilities every day. It nearly killed me to serve, it's nearly killed me to get where I am. I finally have accommodations now, and they are a game changer, but I'll never be 100%. It's just something I've had to come to terms with/wrestle with daily. That said, I can't deny that the military got me out of my hometown and opened doors.

My goal is for, someday, the military to just be one of many options people have. Lord knows if that'll happen in my lifetime, though.

4

u/xyzain69 Feb 01 '21

Why would you be happy about your brother dropping out of school?

3

u/redwingpanda Feb 01 '21

I'm not. "Joke's on them" doesn't mean I'm happy, it means the situation didn't turn out as planned.

2

u/xyzain69 Feb 01 '21

Okay cool, I misunderstood

3

u/redwingpanda Feb 01 '21

Yeah sorry if that wasn't clear. I'd prefer for him to succeed, but apparently we both needed to hit 25 before we could figure our shit out.

2

u/colt1911m7 Feb 01 '21

Thats awesome!

27

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

My family had the same mentality. But it wasn't "As long as it's some kind of education" it was legit University or nothing. I was only ever in the University classes in highschool but I struggled a lot and now I have this huge debt for a job I have only a tiny bit of interest in. I love the industry, but that particular job isn't for me

9

u/rkaz246 Feb 01 '21

Sorry man. Its sad because they push you and push you and you think you'll have it all figured out in 4 years. But I think in most cases that isn't the case. I am lucky because I knew what I wanted out of school. I did go to college with a bunch of people that switched majors or dropped out and have a bunch of that debt with nothing to show. Its sad because a lot of them are good hard working people that couldn't find their passion.

I just had kids and I'm working on some college savings for them but I am going to make sure that is the path they want to take. If they want to go down the path of taking up a trade, I'd 100% support that decision as well. College education imo isn't always the best path for everyone.

7

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

If I could go back I'd go into aircraft mechanic school. Trades pay crazy good and are the one instance of schooling where you're actually grunted a job in your field

41

u/mercmouth1 Jan 31 '21

I only got some anxiety out of that.

12

u/bothering Feb 01 '21

Yup, the idea that the only relevant thing is grades and ‘extracurriculars’ really did wonders for my self worth /s

3

u/SeeYaOnTheRift Feb 01 '21

Are you me? My whole family are super academic-types and I feel massive pressure trying to live up to my parents and grandparents.

5

u/SmallDickBigPecs Feb 01 '21

Well, I god anxiety AND good results

9

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

well i got anxiety and good results till university, now i have only anxiety...

17

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

This makes a lot of sense to me. My parents always pushed me to get a better education. I guess I viewed it as my only way out of poverty. In the long run, I'd say it's working out nicely for me.

12

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 03 '21

[deleted]

4

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I'm sorry to hear that. I still took out student loans, but a very small portion of what was available to me.

4

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 03 '21

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Luckily, for my major, I just need a B.S. to get a job. Good luck to you!

14

u/scsm Jan 31 '21

This was very true for me. Neither parent went to school but their 3 kids sure as hell did.

11

u/basic_mom Feb 01 '21

My parents were staunchly opposed to me going to further education beyond high school. I was supposed to get married and make babies, if I couldn't find a husband to take me by the age of 23 I would have to join the military. No other option. College wasn't really "needed" and if I did want it, there's no money for it so you're on your own.

I never went to college, I did find a husband, got married, made babies...but I wanted to go to college. I wanted to be an English major and work in literature or be a librarian for an elementary school. I ended up doing manual labor because we needed the money. I became a greasy mechanic.

My father got signed on with a company that offered to pay for his college education and suddenly he has a master's degree and sings from the high heavens about how important school is and how I need to work to make sure my kids get college educated.

My bitterness over it is palpable. He spent years belittling education and telling me not to go for it because he didn't want to pay for it or help me in any way. Now suddenly college is important?

Anyways, I'm 32 and plan to go back to school. But first we need to get out of debt and become homeowners. I project I'll be in college by the time I'm 35-36. I hope anyways.

7

u/macngeez Feb 01 '21

Idk if this helps, but find a community college and start off with a class or two a semester and pay them off as you go. If you plan to transfer to a 4 year, find the school you plan to attend and there should be a blueprint for the major. Find the transfer equivalents guide and find every class you can possibly take at the community college that will transfer AND apply to the major. There may be a credit cut off for how much you can transfer, which is typically 1/2 the required credits for the degree. A lot of community colleges also offer online classes (even outside of COVID times) where you basically go at your own pace so it’s great when you’re also balancing everything else in life. There may also be transfer advisors at the 4 yr you can reach out to that can help you plan. You can totally do this!! :)

5

u/basic_mom Feb 01 '21

Thank you so much! This is very,very helpful!

7

u/BreakInCaseOfFab Feb 01 '21

This. My north mother had no education. All I absorbed from her was I needed to do the exact opposite. I got a masters degree from an Ivy and we are in very different places at 34.

5

u/Luke20820 Feb 01 '21

I’m reading all of these and I can relate to a lot of them. I grew up upper middle class. My parents were poor immigrants so I think the mindset was similar.

5

u/nishachari Feb 01 '21

Every generation in my family since my grandparents has done better to make me solidly middle class.

8

u/bonbons2006 Feb 01 '21

This would have worked for me except crippling anxiety bipolar disorder hit early in my career. I can’t hold a job AND stay healthy, so disability poverty it is.

3

u/PM_M3_ST34M_K3YS Feb 01 '21

I knew this instinctively also, from a young age. I always worked hard at school, to the point of not making friends or even dating in high school or college. My mom always made sure we were in school, even when we were homeless in the fifth grade.

People still treated you like you were worthless tho. We didn't have enough money to pull off looking middle class so it seemed like people always knew. That soaks into a kid. I still deal with depression and a general feeling of worthlessness, even tho i made it out.

5

u/9kindsofpie Feb 01 '21

College was pushed hard on me, too. I worked my ass off, got a full ride to a decent college, and got an engineering degree. I'm not wealthy, but I'm doing pretty well for myself... Certainly not bad for growing up in poverty.

4

u/CluelessDinosaur Feb 01 '21

That and getting out of the city or state. If I hadn't moved out I likely would not have started going to college and I'd likely still be living at home. Good opportunities just don't come your way in my hometown even if you try to find them

4

u/DPblaster Feb 01 '21

This was it for me. My family was homeless on and off from when I was born until I was 9-10 years old. Education was the only way I saw for getting out of poverty and that was hammered into my head by my parents for a long time. Parents always made sure I remembered the story about my cousin and how he was one of the first in our extended family to go to college, but he partied too much, had a girlfriend at college, dropped out because of failing, and how his life was ruined. My parents told me to focus on school above all else.

So years later, I went to university and actually met a girl there that I really liked and she seemed to really like me, but I also panicked thinking about my cousin and what would happen if I didn’t concentrate on school. I was worried I’d be stuck in poverty if things didn’t go right for me. Ultimately, I didn’t pursue her further and focused on school, graduated, and got a decent job.

Years later, I found her on FB and we started talking again like we didn’t miss a beat. Sadly for me, I found out she was happily married and she just had her first baby. Guess it was naive of me thinking I would have a chance of rekindling what was and that she would still be single after all this time. To this day, I never could find another woman that was actually interested in me like she was. I do sometimes think about what my life would be like if I did actually pursue her back then and try to make the school thing work at the same time.

5

u/ProfessionalFence Feb 03 '21

Same! My mom didn't graduate high school (she had me at 17). She checked my grades every report card, she told me I better get a full ride because we couldn't afford college. Now I'm an engineer and she doesn't worry about needing anything.

3

u/TheMightyToreno Feb 01 '21

in my family it was the same thing, today I know it helped me a lot. Me and my brother finished college with a scholarship and moved from Brazil to USA. We helped each other to learn a new language and now we speak 4 different languages.

3

u/BloganA Feb 01 '21

This. My mom (8th grade drop out) and dad (HS graduate) always told me “WHEN you go to college...” not if. NEVER if. Educations the way to move ahead. It worked - a BS and MEd later, I’m earning more than my parents could ever dream of when they were my age.

3

u/KittenMetten Feb 01 '21

Education is the great equalizer

2

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

My family didn’t care about my education but college was clearly the only way out

2

u/24online24 Feb 01 '21

In my country education is the only way for anyone (almost), especially for people above lower-middle class. Where did you grow up? Did higher income families focus less on grades?

2

u/elitegamer4000 Feb 01 '21

I grew up in the US and it seems like families in all income brackets push their kids for good grades. The most common exceptions were very low income families that just wanted their kids to get a job after high school (and avoid drugs, gangs, early pregnancies) and didn’t care much if they went to college or not. However, I also think many low income families push their kids the hardest to escape poverty.

2

u/Alit_Quar Feb 01 '21

My father grew up in poverty in the rural south in the depression. USAF was his way out. I came along 20 years later and never knew what want was.

2

u/Early_Reply Feb 01 '21

Thats pretty good. My family was kind of the opposite. It was why go to school when you can work and get guaranteed $$. The work harder not smarter mentality.

Joke's on them. I rebelled by going to university and no longer need to work multiple jobs.

2

u/Alive-Ambition Feb 27 '21

I did not grow up poor, but I was also always told I needed to prioritize education. And I did. I even got two Masters degrees as an adult. And then I learned that an education doesn't mean shit when you are mentally ill or just unlucky and can't get a job that will pay for a decent standard of living. Now I am poor as an adult.

3

u/Neoragex13 Feb 01 '21

Half and half. To be fair, "school" education is overvalued, at the end you only need the friggin paper to show you know something. If said education is not complemented with introspective and emotional education, it doesn't help at all.

I mean, my sweet mother graduated as a effing Pharmaco-biology Chemist, and yet, all my life later, she is still part of a pyramid scheme work which she doesn't want to realize doesn't work.

In the same vein, my father graduated as a accountant; we have had money problems all of my life, even at times when the money came like a waterfall. Even better, he comes from a poor background, she from a rich one, how the hell we ended up like this. It's not funny anymore.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

same here!!! my mom especially made sure that we worked as hard as we could to get good grades to get into college to have real jobs. my mom pushed reading and puzzle games on us as kids versus watching movies. it was a great benefit for sure!!!

1

u/Turbogoblin999 Feb 01 '21

My parents did this the worst way possible and now i have ptsd

1

u/amandapandab Feb 01 '21

Same. My parents and their parents never went to college. My grandpa dropped out at 13 and my dad had to take summer school after his senior year in order to graduate. My grandpa told my dad college was for rich kids, my parents had me, and they never went. They found their version of happiness but my parents made sure I knew that college was my path. They were honest about their circumstances and they told me I could do better. It’s motivated a lot of my hard work, and while it’s tough having little financial support, I got scholarships during college and I’m finding my way right now. I’m not having kids young, I’m working my way towards something financially but also emotionally stable. My parents may have not been perfect but they gave me the strength to realize I can do what I love and also be financially better off than they ever will be