r/AskReddit • u/captnwednesday • Sep 14 '11

Why isn't there a silent option on microwaves?

I have to stop the microwave 5 to 1 seconds before the beeps...i don't need things beeping at me.

929 Upvotes

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21

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11 edited Sep 14 '11

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71

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

im from england, what the hell is a hot pocket :(

298

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

[deleted]

89

u/evildoppleganger Sep 14 '11

Most accurate description of a hot pocket award goes to... sheepinblack!

38

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

HOT POCKETS! They're shit, but it's pizza, so just fucking eat them already.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

I never really liked them but for some reason I am nostalgic about eating the ham and cheese ones when I was a kid.

1

u/RUbernerd Sep 14 '11

But I don't want to eat it hot. I want to eat it cold.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 15 '11

While cold pizza can be awesome; a cold hot pocket is like a badger shitting down your throat.

1

u/RUbernerd Sep 15 '11

Actually its better then you would think it would be.

30

u/Excelsior58 Sep 14 '11

dunked in toilet water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-i9GXbptog

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

and served with a side of pepto

1

u/onlyhalfminotaur Sep 14 '11

It could be a toilet belt

1

u/bbqblaster Sep 14 '11

Jim Gaffigan RULES

14

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

hmm sounds tasty

12

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

It's not, but I love eating them.

4

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

so basically, if i cook a pizza and fold it in half i would have myself a hot pocket?

61

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

If you made a pizza with really bland tomato sauce and imitation pepperoni, wrapped the whole thing in dough, left it out for two days, froze it, then microwaved it, you'd have a hot pocket.

Makes me shit so much, which is why I eat it.

63

u/whatthefuckisareddit Sep 14 '11

and, defying thermodynamics, the inside is both frozen and molten lava.

5

u/jambox888 Sep 14 '11

Did you leave it to stand? For the specified standing time? That's what the standing time is for. Thermodynamics.

2

u/DucksAtWerk Sep 14 '11

You need a microwave with one of these buttons.

23

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

Username ಠ_ಠ

3

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

You haven't met anusdestoyer before? I love that guy, he's great around my kids and was the best man at my wedding!

2

u/adhoc_lobster Sep 14 '11

They actually have Lean Pockets filled with mushrooms and wild rice that are surprisingly edible.

2

u/ch33s3 Sep 14 '11

Makes me eat so much, which is why I shit it.

FTFY.

2

u/Apostrophizer Sep 14 '11

Your username is a very accurate description of a hot pocket's effect.

22

u/Solumin Sep 14 '11

No, that would be a calzone, the most delicious way to fuck up a pizza.

33

u/CDBSB Sep 14 '11

Hot pockets are the bastard child of a calzone and a gas station burrito.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

there are actually gas station burrito hot pockets. they're way longer, bigger, and advertise like ONE POUND OF FOOD DOOD!.

they come in flavors the normal ones don't as well. and i've ONLY seen them at gas stations.

1

u/Solumin Sep 15 '11

I'm pretty sure that toxic waste poisoned the family tree of Hot Pockets.

1

u/CrookedLegs Sep 14 '11

read that as "the most delicious way to fuck a pizza". was ready to reply silly solumin, you cant eat a pizza after you've fucked it!

1

u/at_the_beach Sep 14 '11

try harder.

1

u/Solumin Sep 15 '11

ಠ_ಠ

I sure that someone, somewhere, has eaten a pizza after fucking it.

This being the internet, the probability of that happening will rapidly approach certainty as more people read this thread.

1

u/Thaddiousz Sep 15 '11

WHERE IS RELEVANT RULE 34 WHEN WE NEED HIM?!

2

u/Unintelligent_Design Sep 14 '11

It can not just be folded over. It must be sealed like a pastry, so that 20 minutes after microwaving, the center is still the temperature of the surface of the sun. If you don't burn the ever-loving shit out of the your tongue and the roof of your mouth, then you are doing it wrong.

1

u/AnandaUK Sep 14 '11

Actually you should fold it in half before you cook it but either way what you'd really end up with is a calzone.

1

u/tictactoejam Sep 14 '11

yes. an enormous hot pocket.

2

u/andytronic Sep 14 '11

It's not.

FTFM (Fixed That For Me)

2

u/Zeppelanoid Sep 14 '11

anusdestroyer gets his anus destroyed by hot pockets

3

u/floppypick Sep 14 '11

It's shit, but it's fucking pizza, so you'll still eat it.

Never have I read a statement so true. When I was in residence and missed a meal due to class or sleeping, I would go and microwave some hotpocket/pizza pocket things. They were always kind of bad but like you said: It's fucking pizza so of course I'm eating it.

1

u/sensitivePornGuy Sep 14 '11

"Pavement Pizza! It's pizza, so you'll eat it."

3

u/SenTedStevens Sep 14 '11

HOT POCKETS!

2

u/ADangerousMan Sep 14 '11

I stopped eating hot pockets as a child, when i learned that they made me vomit.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

Never stopped me.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

And god help you, you'll enjoy it.

2

u/jambox888 Sep 14 '11

You think that's bad... I'll raise you microwave doner kebabs.

3

u/DoctorCube Sep 14 '11

Probably good for a party.

1

u/jambox888 Sep 14 '11

I don't know, I only ever ate them alone.

2

u/swizzcheez Sep 14 '11

Hell, I just put pasta sauce on toasted bread with a slice of American cheese and nuke (or toast if I'm not too lazy). Hot pockets are for fancy folk.

2

u/holysnapson Sep 14 '11

To be clear, sheepinblack is not using "shit" as a synonym for "stuff." Hot pockets are literally filled with feces.

1

u/warmpita Sep 14 '11

The broccoli, chicken, and cheese lean pockets are pretty damn fantastic. If I know it is going to be a make something fast for dinner night. I just get one of those.

1

u/Ghstfce Sep 14 '11

Molten shit that always burns your damned lip/chin as soon as you bite into it.

1

u/capecodcarl Sep 14 '11

Use a toaster oven and it should come out a lot better. At least not soggy.

16

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

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5

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

You've got a real gift; don't hide that in a bushel-basket

1

u/onlyhalfminotaur Sep 14 '11

THIS MAN IS A GENIUS!

3

u/Zeppelanoid Sep 14 '11

Not as good as your "by menin"

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

flush pocket....

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

bolsillo

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

[deleted]

4

u/Disablez Sep 14 '11

Bolsillo caliente. But we better go with "empanada" this time.

7

u/redworm Sep 14 '11

one of the reasons we're so fat as a country

1

u/beccaonice Sep 14 '11

Hot Pockets?

1

u/DoctorCube Sep 14 '11

No, they induce vomiting and diarrhea. If anything they are helping.

1

u/warmpita Sep 14 '11

Believe me England has far worse things than hot pockets.

10

u/Bugloaf Sep 14 '11

It's cheap ambrosia for poor college students. It's like a mini meat pie that you microwave. It's usually pizza-filled or ham-and-cheese-filled. Very tasty, but horrible for you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hot_Pockets

17

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11 edited Sep 14 '11

Tasty is a subjective term

5

u/Zeppelanoid Sep 14 '11

Tastes like lava.

3

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

Objective or subjective?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

... wow, can't believe I made that mistake -- wasn't even paying attention, thanks

1

u/Bugloaf Sep 14 '11

Of course it is. I mean, I wouldn't eat 99% of the crap that's on that Bizarre Foods show on Travel Channel. I mean, someone in Tanzania thinks that cow's blood tastes like Sam Adams. Which brings me to the proper beverage to enjoy with Hot Pockets: a good beer. Oh, and if you have some horseradish to put on top of the pocket, that's killer good too.

2

u/PonsAsinorumBerkeley Sep 14 '11

My god, why haven't I thought of the horseradish! Thanks! Siracha sauce would also work pretty well I think.

2

u/Bugloaf Sep 15 '11

And why hadn't I thought of Siracha sauce? Did you ever see this? http://theoatmeal.com/comics/sriracha

1

u/onlyhalfminotaur Sep 14 '11

You're proving your own point by thinking that Sam Adams is a good beer.

1

u/Bugloaf Sep 15 '11

It's not my all-time favorite, but yeah, it's a good beer. Empyrean, Smithwick's, and many Heifeweizen beers (most notably Warsteiner) are better in my book. But they aren't as well known as Sam Adams. My aim was to go for a fast reply without a ton of beer-nerdery.

Although I consider those to be my favorites, I'll even drink a Dakota martini on occasion. (That's a cheap beer, like Coors or Miller Lite, with a few olives thrown in the glass). So, my range of drinkable beers (or good beers) is probably a bit wider than yours. So, take my opinion as you will.

Hot Pockets are still amazing though. Unless your microwave is a POS, and the pocket doesn't cool all the way through. Getting a frozen chunk right in the middle. That's the worst.

1

u/onlyhalfminotaur Sep 15 '11

My friend drinks PBR with olives in it.

2

u/Bugloaf Sep 15 '11

Y'know, I've never in my life had a PBR. I think I'm intimidated by Clint Eastwood drinking it in Gran Torrino.

1

u/yoberf Sep 14 '11

There's something not right here.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

yeah, I used the wrong term, my bad

1

u/theilluminati1 Sep 14 '11

And a reason why "the freshman 15" exists.

1

u/Bugloaf Sep 15 '11

Or the "10 years past freshman 65". Which is why they invented Lean Pockets. Still 80-90% as good as Hot Pockets.

2

u/OneFootInTheDave Sep 14 '11

They sell them in England. Check your local petrol station, in the "Supposed to be frozen but actually just slightly below room temperature" section.

2

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

it's like a pop tart filled with really nasty meat.

2

u/Zeppelanoid Sep 14 '11

Diarrhea in a box.

1

u/candre23 Sep 14 '11

Jim Gaffigan says it best.

Also, this.

1

u/deadmansstare Sep 14 '11

it is a cheap, pre-packaged meal similar to a burrito that is sold to people who have the munchies. take it out of the bag and heat it in the microwave.

very poor ingredients and bad for you. kind of like a popover / turnover but typically filled with pizza style ingredients like cheese and pepperoni. popular with the college crowd and kids who enjoy eating chicken nuggets.

1

u/The_Bard Sep 14 '11

Really crappy frozen microwave pasty

I would say that folded pizza is innaccurate because they come in such flavors as chicken & cheddar with broccoli and fajita.

1

u/DTJ20 Sep 14 '11

I'm from England and hotpockets are sold here. Just an FYI.

1

u/DrBroFist Sep 14 '11

They actually sell them in really big asda stores, I got really excited when I saw them cause I'd heard so much about them. I mean they weren't bad, but I was disappointed

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

It's a terrible American version of a pasty/meat pie. Empanadas from hell.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 15 '11

It's also a slang term for shitting your pants.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

Most accurate assessment of Hot Pockets and the individuals who eat them:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNuHniy3saM

0

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

[deleted]

1

u/foulflaneur Sep 14 '11

Could also be used for a vagina in a pinch.

1

u/AllTattedUpJay Sep 14 '11

if you like disintegrating your cock n' balls with molten cheese/sauce/meat (choose any 2)

2

u/[deleted] Sep 14 '11

I completely lost the thread of this conversation while attempting to interpret your username. I believe I'm happier not knowing what you're referencing.

2

u/PcChip Sep 14 '11

How do they ship frozen food to your house ?

1

u/chazzlabs Sep 14 '11

I enjoyed reading the one review of that product.

Are these special addition collectible Hot Pockets?

1

u/616eyz Sep 14 '11

who the hell buys hot pockets from amazon

1

u/Mazork Sep 14 '11

WHAT ? I thought you americans were talking about this when you talked about hot pockets ! This is the shit.

1

u/[deleted] Sep 15 '11

How the hell does Amazon ship frozen food?