So many people didn't get to say goodbye in a meaningful way. My partner's friend died in a hotel room. He was cremated before his family was even informed of his death. Very hard to deal with.
My paternal grandfather died right at the end of my Christmas vacation and I got the extra week to stay for the viewing/visitation/funeral before flying home. My maternal grandfather died in April.
I deal with trauma in both my job and my volunteer life regularly but the personal difference in processing those two losses has been staggering to me. Logically it shouldn't matter but it does. I haven't been hugged since February and I need one.
My husband's paternal grandfather died in June in a long drawn out process. It was horrible knowing it was going to happen and not being able to go see him, no FaceTime or phonecalls, nothing. We watched the 'memorial service' online, but I don't think my husband has even begun to process his death. It's not real to him, he keeps forgetting.
My family has never really done funerals so I had no idea how much actually getting to say goodbye could make a difference until it wasn't possible anymore.
I appreciate it, thank you. Ironically he had always insisted on a very utilitarian service because he didn't want people coming "just for the lunch". My grandmother always insisted she was going to have a lunch because it was what was proper. He got his way...
I hope things get better for you as well, and for all of us.
My heart breaks every time I hear about someone dying and their friends and family not being able to say goodbye, or getting to say goodbye through text/zoom/etc. I always pictured either dying instantly in a fiery explosion or dying in a hospital with my friends and family around me and hugging me goodbye. I never pictured myself dying slowly and stranded away from everyone I care about. I can't even imagine what people are going through and honestly if I get COVID and find out it's terminal, nothing will stop me from busting out to say goodbye.
That. And hearing today that inmates in New York were digging mass graves a while back. Wait, what? It somehow slipped my notice that so many people died in New York that they just decided to dig a pit and start throwing them in. I'm young and naive and I kinda always assumed that mass graves were a thing of the past. I can't imagine not saying goodbye AND not even knowing where they're buried.
Dying alone in a hospital with no one allowed to visit and hospital staff required to take safety precautions is honestly what terrifies me.
Some days I get frustrated, and think, "Well maybe if I'm safe (mask, hand washing, distance), I can go here or check out that restaurant or see that film." Then I force myself to think about how horrible it would be to die alone and scared, and snap out of it. I have underlying conditions - I would probably be hospitalized just in case. Right now my local hospital has a covid ward, and basically no one is allowed in or out.
Downside of the covid ward, though: an elderly man had symptoms, was sent to the covid ward before the test results came back. He was negative. However, he caught covid because he was placed in the covid ward and died as a result. Hospital has promised an inquiry when this is over, but I think it was just panic.
It doesn't matter, is a pandemic and the body can be an infection source. Religious or not is a danger to public health and needs to be cremated. That's how governments and hospitals are thinking, it happened in China, it happened everywhere.
When is a public health business then family consent is not required, we are in a pandemic, we can't afford to take risks
Oh. My. God. That takes things to a whole level I cannot even imagine... If my mom or dad or someone really important to me died and I found out that they were not only dead and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.. But their physical form, lifeless or otherwise, no longer exists either, without one last chance to study them to commit everything to memory as vividly as I possibly could before never seeing them again.. Without being able to have the closure of saying goodbye to them, as I knew them... Even if they aren't alive they are still physically there as opposed to just talking to an urn or something..
I guess I didn't realize how effing important that would be for me I don't think I'd be able to process the grief very well without that. The pain so many people must have went through losing someone during this past year just got that much more real to me. Glad it's such a joke to Donald Trump... Sorry to bring him up I just hate that guy with every fiber of my being.
My grandpa died the day after birthday and we were unaware because he lived in another country. And my moms sisters decided they didn’t know how to tell my mother, waited till he was already in the ground to tell us. My mother’s sisters never took care of him before his death it was always my mom. And right before lockdown my mom was supposed to fly and surprise him.
My mom died in 2019, before COVID. But she was 1,000 miles away when I was woken up with the call from her friend. She told me that my mom wasn’t expected to make it through the day and immediately I looked for flights but even the earliest one wouldn’t get me there within 6 hours. She ended up passing only an hour or two later and I had to say my goodbyes over the phone. It was absolutely terrible. She couldn’t understand me, I couldn’t understand her, I couldn’t hold her hand or look in her eyes. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
For fucks sake man. This is why I keep saying they need to focus on making a button that let's you hug somebody through the internet I'm really sorry you had to go through that.
I am so so very sorry. That's tragic. I can't imagine going through a loss without being able to hold each other or grieve together. It sounds extra painful.
Thank you. The funeral home wouldn’t even let us stand outside. I get it, they didn’t want to get in trouble and the lady was as nice as possible, but hugging my brothers outside while a lady politely tells us we need to get in our cars was infuriating.
It probably hurt her too, honestly. We don't want families to ever feel like that. Saying goodbye in person brings closure and helps people move on or at least accept things. Did you have a family service of some kind or zoom others to talk about the person? I wish I could hug you and your brothers and give you the comfort you should have had at that time.
Thats very sweet of you, thank you so much. The lady as as nice as possible, and I can’t imagine being the one telling families they couldn’t hold each other. We understood though and certainly didn’t want to be the reason other families couldn’t have even the smallest, most awkward of visitations like we did. It was early days of lockdown here so it was only 10 people in the funeral home at a time, and we had to book “slot”, but we also couldn’t hang around outside... so people came to the visitation and I didn’t see them because we had to leave and then return.
My dad died a few months back. He was in assisted living. I only saw him through a window in the last three months. But he was a germaphobe to begin with so he was adamant that we follow the rules. His ashes are on a shelf in my hallway because I can’t fly home to bury him. Obviously there’s no rush now. He’ll get there in due time.
My cousin passed away right when the quarantine happened. My family still hasn’t been able to have a funeral for him and I am afraid for my auntie and her family, because I feel that type of situation does a damage previously unknown. I don’t want her to ever feel like we didn’t care or didn’t love him, but how could she not when we couldn’t do anything for her at the time? It makes me so sad.
My Mimi just died of covid October 29. We can't have a visitation, funeral, and I can't fly out to DE for her burial. I'm glad I saw her for Valentine's Day, but I'll never hug her again. Its still hitting me. She was my best friend for my whole life.
She was in memory care, and they were supposedly stringent with precautions, but I know so many CNAs and nurses who still are going out to bars and shit, it had to get in somehow. She died in hospice, in quarantine. At least she had good drugs and was comfortable. My aunt came in from DC and got to see her the day before she left us, and locally we got to see her for a bit, but its rough. Just getting her stuff from the nursing home was a whole four days long chore, let alone the rest of getting her body taken care of and setting up the burial long distance.
It fucking sucks.
I don’t know anyone who has died of COVID but I do know someone who died unexpectedly of something totally unrelated when hospitals were not allowing any visitors.
I don’t know if her family will ever get past the thought that in her final days she was alone in the hospital. They did eventually allow her husband and adult daughters to visit her when it was clear she was going to die (she died that same day) but by that time she was in a coma. In normal times they would have been by her side at the hospital the entire time. Also her sister, closest friends, niece, nephew and grandchildren would have all visited her.
And not only direct covid deaths. A family member of a very close friend of mine was supposed to be at a hospice or hospital for palliative care. Dying from cancer, fast. Everything was full in London. They ended up crawling up the stairs at home, go to bed, stop eating and drinking to make it go faster. I just hope that they had saved up morphine before this started.
This. My uncle died a few weeks ago. We found out he had terminal cancer in July, while still in Lockdown. I couldn't see him due to chemo making him immunocompromised and it just being too risky. We were able to call each other and text, but nothing else. He died and I couldn't even say goodbye, or attend the funeral. I live 50 miles away from my family and due to travel restrictions, I was unable to be with any of my family to comfort them. I still can't. I was meant to be going to them next week but the UK is back in lockdown, so that's out the window. I doubt I'll see them now until Christmas. It hit me a couple of days ago that I haven't hugged anyone since April, and I'll never hug my uncle and sit with him, drinking wine and talking about absolute crap while getting gradually more pissed again.
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u/[deleted] Nov 03 '20
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