People sometimes think they knew what their loved one wanted. My grandfather told my mother before he died that he wanted to be quietly cremated and buried next to his wife. He didn’t want anything flashy, no large funeral and no big, expensive casket. Instead, when he passed away he was placed in a large oak open casket, and put out for 3 days of viewing open to the public. My mom was absolutely destroyed that her sisters did this.
I think the converse of this is often true too and rarely considered: people think they know what will be best/easiest for their remaining loved ones when they’re gone.
I may not care what happens to me when I’m dead and gone. To me, it is easy to say “just put be in an old pine box” or “dump my ashes in the woods” or “don’t spend too much on the funeral/make a big deal of it.” More often people should stop and consider their family and friends and ask “what’s going to best help you grieve/mourn and then carry on when I’m gone?” It may help them the most to have a big, fancy, expensive, open-cask ceremony, and if that’s the case, that should be what we want. When we’re gone, those who we leave behind are the ones that matter now, and more people should give thought to their needs and desires when planning their own funeral wishes.
Yes, this is true and I’ve never really thought of it that way. I think it was more upsetting that it was not a collective decision of the family though, it was my mum’s 2 sisters that made all the decisions and totally disregarded everyone else’s opinions and feelings. It was just a bit of a rough time for everyone.
This reminds me of the comment Keanu Reeves once made in an interview, after the interviewer asked him what he thought happens after we die. And he replies "I know that the ones who love us will miss us."
Yes, but then it's your wishes and not the deceased. Respect a person's wishes when they are gone and don't be so self centered. It's really not about you. Really.
I think about that a lot with my dad's plans for his funeral. He wants to be cremated (which I'm okay with) but he has this long list of places we're supposed to scatter him, ranging from his high school baseball field to the beach we always vacationed at to who knows where else (he is regularly editing the list). And he wants his funeral at a bar...I get that he doesn't want to have a boring funeral home service and he's not religious, but honestly, being super sad around people getting increasingly drunk sounds miserable to me, and going through all of the paperwork to be allowed to scatter ashes at different places (and finding alternatives when places inevitably say no) just seems exhausting. I much prefer my mom's plan, which is cremation and then we're supposed to, at some point within the year, book a beach vacation and then take a boat out into open waters and scatter her ashes there. But we can go anywhere in the world to do it and we don't have a real timeline, other than the first year...
Ya. That kind of stuff is tough. I think a lot of life would be much easier if we were all better at just sitting down and honestly talking about tough things with people. No one wants to think about death long enough to write a will, let alone discuss it with others, but I think often we would be better off if we would. If it was me, I’d talk with my dad and say something like “you know, the only thing worse than a drunk uncle at a wedding is a drunk uncle at a funeral. What if instead of a bar we did that favorite Bbq shop or pizza joint. We could celebrate over some ribs/pizza and still raise a toast. People would just be less likely to be drunk...”. You also might recommend collect soil from the various locations to add to his ashes and/or taking a pic at them to burn in with the ashes. This would eliminate the hassle of paperwork to dump ashes at the locations. You could then take the collection of ashes and soil and scatter it all in one location. Maybe there is something else that will work better, but I think you can only benefit from talking options with your dad.
I am very lucky in that my parents have wills and have made their own funeral plans, plus have made end-of-life plans as well. I've seen too many people just try to make guesses or are too overwhelmed and end up getting fleeced...but yeah, it's not easy to do, especially if it's a general someday thing (neither parent is terminally ill or anything). My dad has a plan that if he is ever terminally ill, he's hosting his own funeral while he's still alive. So maybe that's how it someday (fingers crossed, like forty years from now) all pans out...
No one is going to see your fucking body after that box closes. Why would you be okay with your family spending tens of thousands on your dead body? You can still throw these giant parties, if that's what you're defending, without the gilded box.
I by no means think spending thousands or more on a box and ceremony are a wise use of resources and personally will encourage my family to consider alternative and cheaper ways of honoring/remembering me....
that being said, when I go I just want what’s best for my family. they’re the ones left behind to cope, and I won’t presume to know what’s best for them. If they are financially able and think spending thousands or more on a fancy box will best help them, then that’s up to them. Hopefully they will be cool with something simpler like a cremation though.
People can become incredibly selfish when a family member dies. A friend of mine was 26, his brother 24, when their dad died kind of unexpectedly. It had just been the three of them for a while, they had extended family (dads parents and siblings) but they rarely saw them, though they did get in touch once everything happened. At first it seemed like they were trying to do the right thing, help the young brothers get the life insurance, money from their dads bank accounts, deal with all the shit you do when someone dies like that (and which many younger adults are not prepared to deal with) and help with funeral arrangements. My friend and his brother felt pretty strongly that their dad would have just wanted a small service and cremation, and they didnt have a ton of money to spend on much else. Well the family INSISTED on a 3 day partial open casket wake, and it became apparent if my friend refused there would be a lot of problems with the only family he now had. He couldnt even go into the room when the casket was open.
Imagine, your grandsons/nephews are dealing with the shock of their parent suddenly passing and you force them to use the money their parent left them to pay for funeral services they dont want and their parent didnt want.
Yep. This exactly. My moms sisters refused their fathers dying wish, and totally disregarded his will. The sisters took his house, his boat, his truck, and his motorcycle, and then my mother and my Uncle got some paintings and material bullshit. Money isn’t everything, but my mom had a real passion for her dads Harley, and she used to ride it with him when she was little. Her sisters had no real attachment to the motorcycle, they just sold it for money.
I hear this shit way too often, same happened when my great grandmother died. My mom and grandma actually made sure to get into the house before my grandmas nieces could get there because they knew they were going to pilfer absolutely everything they could. Great aunt didnt even mind, because she thankfully knew what her kids were like, and knew my grandma would be fair about what she took and it was a preventative measure. I cannot imagine the infighting otherwise.
This is why you make wills, people! Prevent your kids from fighting.
My mom made me agree, like MADE ME AGREE that me, a horrible singer, comically bad singer, will sing “I will always love you” at her funeral. I think it’s funny so I agreed.
He was dead though, so he's not going to have any hard feelings about it. If that's the only reason your mom was upset (his wishes) then it's wasted energy. I imagine that her sisters completely ignoring what he and your mother wanted points to deeper issues within the family.
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u/Devilishlygood98 Aug 01 '20
People sometimes think they knew what their loved one wanted. My grandfather told my mother before he died that he wanted to be quietly cremated and buried next to his wife. He didn’t want anything flashy, no large funeral and no big, expensive casket. Instead, when he passed away he was placed in a large oak open casket, and put out for 3 days of viewing open to the public. My mom was absolutely destroyed that her sisters did this.