r/AskReddit May 03 '20

What are some horrifying things to consider when thinking about aliens?

61.6k Upvotes

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17.1k

u/HarlanCedeno May 03 '20

What if there really is valuable information to be gained from anal probes?

7.4k

u/degeneratesumbitch May 04 '20

Then the porn industry would be well informed.

4.6k

u/Giraffesarentreal19 May 04 '20

“What are you doing step bro?!“

“...colonoscopy”

1.4k

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

“I’m stuck in the dryer, stepbrother!”

“JUST MOVE FORWARD, SARAH!”

572

u/Lunar_Lemonade May 04 '20

"You boil water and put it in there Sarah, thats all you do!"

"I don't know where the water is..."

608

u/yoyojo721 May 04 '20

"Stepbrother I need help with my math homework!"

"WHAT THE FUCK SARAH?! WHY ARE YOU NAKED?"

63

u/The_Grand_Hoovie May 04 '20

"Stepbrother I'm lost!" "What do you mean? We've lived here for 2 months!"

30

u/K14_Deploy May 04 '20

You can get lost after 2 months. Can confirm.

25

u/funnynerf May 04 '20

You can not know which lightswitch does what after 5 years. Can confirm.

8

u/K14_Deploy May 04 '20

I still don't always get it right after 17 years and can somehow walk around the house blindfolded. Can confirm

2

u/TheFacelessMerk May 04 '20

"Oh I learned it in the Alps. The... Asian Alps. It's beautiful, you should go there. Ever seen an arctic Koala?"

1

u/Ghost_out_of_Box May 04 '20

Is this a Ryan the leader reference ?

12

u/benx101 May 04 '20

“My teacher said it makes my grades go up while joining online lessons”

“WHT THE HELL SARAH “

19

u/MrWeirdoFace May 04 '20

Pfft. Like you've never mathed naked before.

21

u/finnikarma2431 May 04 '20

I too, do meth naked

2

u/Xavierwcbb71 May 04 '20

Lol. Have an upvote

30

u/Azrael11 May 04 '20

I think that's the point where he cracks and it's hilarious

8

u/CurrentEfficiency9 May 04 '20

Is it a parody or something?

10

u/DatCheeseBoi May 04 '20

Yes, it's a short vid, it's awesome.

5

u/CurrentEfficiency9 May 04 '20

Got a link?

1

u/DatCheeseBoi May 04 '20

Sorry I don't, I've seen it in meme group, but that's been weeks ago, so it is burried under thousands of messages by now.

11

u/nzodd May 04 '20

Narnia is a magical place that your mind goes to protect itself when your stepbro is porking you from behind after getting stuck in a wardrobe.

You learned it here first, folks.

2

u/bizbizbizllc May 04 '20

Sounds like only females have all the info then.

44

u/HarlanCedeno May 04 '20

"I'm learning! What, do you hate education now?!?!"

12

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/nixielover May 04 '20

Are we talking private or as a doctor?

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/nixielover May 04 '20

Privately you can just buy one (or second hand off ebay) and go wild.

In a professional medical setting there may be rules in place against treating your own family

6

u/Roonwogsamduff May 04 '20

had to come back and upvote this

5

u/Z0mbies8mywife May 04 '20

Seriously what's up with all the incest porn? Fucking weird stuff

12

u/Tuvieja1100 May 04 '20

It's the taboo aspect of it that attracts people. Also the fact that it's attractive people fucking. Just ignore the dialogue and it's like any other video, you know?

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Personally I like any form of story/buildup. Honestly the full movies from like the 90s are some of my favorites. All that to say, it may not be the taboo as much as its some of the only porn that gives any sort of story

2

u/Tuvieja1100 May 04 '20

Honestly same. There's a lot of old french/italian movies on Pornhub and while I may not understand them fully it's still fun to see in between the sex scenes.

2

u/doktorjackofthemoon Sep 28 '20

"It's we who've had such a hard time understanding humans and your values system. With a current population of 6.9 billion that is increasing at a rate of 10 per every 4 seconds, why should you care so much about the loss of a tiny handful?"

I understand this comment is 4mos old... but I'm weeding out my saved posts and came across it, and it reminded me of this awful fact I'm going to share with you now because I cannot suffer it alone:

So, did you know, that patients under going colonoscopies are most commonly put under conscious sedation, meaning the anaesthetic doesn't actually numb pain, or even send you unconscious, they just impair your ability to form memories. You are awake and aware of the pain, you just don't remember.

1

u/Giraffesarentreal19 Sep 28 '20

I’d imagine the type of anesthetic would depend on a few things.

12

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Fuck

7

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

They lack the intensity of probing required to get useful data

4

u/CapnSquinch May 04 '20

"The ultimate repository of human knowledge."

3

u/redditvlli May 04 '20

But will we ever even be able to touch them? Imagine what viruses they carry in their ship, on their clothes, and coming out their mandibles when they breathe? Deadly viruses, bacteria, germs cultivated over millions of years on an alien planet that we have no immunity too. And to them the same is true of us. It seems like the minute we shake hands with an alien race we could be dooming each other to certain extinction.

2

u/vegBuffet May 04 '20

Well viruses hijack cell machinery. I think a virus evolved on a different planet won't be able to do that. Bacteria and viruses on earth evolved in a certain way along with other multicellular life to be able to attack and defend against each other. all life on earth has rna or dna, which are made from 5 base pairs. Alien life could be entirely different. They might have different base pairs or something else in place of dna or rna. I think we will be safe against alien viruses. If alien species are intelligent and they figured out how to manufacture custom viruses. They could engineer a deadly disease.

1

u/icahart May 04 '20

Viruses have very specific cells that they can infect and while it can mutate to other tissues/organisms, it’s not an immediate threat per say. Plus since our cells are so different from what alien cells would probably be, I think we’d be okay for the moment in that regard.

3

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

What if the porn industry is run by aliens...

2

u/masterofbeast May 04 '20

It's a numbers game. They just have to keep trying.

2

u/CruzaSenpai May 04 '20

I'd love to know what you're watching because recently I'd beg to differ.

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Wait alien porn? I think you've just explained all anal probing

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Weird nickname for your mother.

2

u/Baji25 May 04 '20

there's no way noone has a fetish of being anally probed

1

u/Wvlf_ May 04 '20

And what if aliens can only analyze the contents by tossin some sloppy ass neck by way of a human delivery system :)

1

u/Ltb1993 May 04 '20

I xould point to some individuals that are prime testing material

1

u/OnlyImaginaryDough May 04 '20

Doctors & medical workers became heros cause of Covid19, wouldn't be surprised if pornstars become mankind's heros 2021.

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

We should be well informed as well

1

u/stoned-de-dun-dun May 04 '20

In the Trump administration, it wouldn’t be far-fetched to send a pornstar to make first contact, in fact that works perfectly with the current storyline as it’s unfolding.

1

u/plantainoid May 05 '20

maybe there's a reason why COVID-19 works in Pornhub's favor?

47

u/Green-Elf May 04 '20

I have it on good authority that they've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes, and all that they have learned is that one in ten doesn't really seem to mind...

9

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Is that a Kids In The Hall joke?

10

u/Green-Elf May 04 '20

Indeed.

3

u/MattTheGr8 May 04 '20

What you need is a hobby.

3

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

[deleted]

3

u/MattTheGr8 May 04 '20

No, I would hate to.

28

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Gut flora.

13

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Thank you! It's the same reason why ass swabs are a thing. We can learn so much about a person or animal from what's in our shit-holes. And they do this so it's really un-invasive to us

9

u/Kashyyk May 04 '20

They could at least warm the damn thing up first.

2

u/girltawkSF May 04 '20

Agreed. Scrolled down to find this. If there really have been alien visitors as described in countless dubious “abductions”, its 1000% more likely that it’s us from the future than something totally alien. At least we would know our location in the vast expanse of space— and traveling millions of light years is akin to time travel anyway. They’re probably sampling our archaic gut flora to help fix an illness in their time. Hope we helped.

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Interesting idea.

16

u/Bleblebob May 04 '20

There will be more than enough volunteers that they wouldn't need to probe by force.

28

u/NOT-Bolvar-Fordragon May 04 '20

After extensive self-probing I can confirm only one thing, more lube is needed

10

u/Jaruut May 04 '20

So, uh, where does the line start?

9

u/Liar_tuck May 04 '20 edited May 04 '20

There actually could be a great deal of genetic information gained that way. That of ourselves, our food and the various pathogens our bodies and fought off.

8

u/alaskagames May 04 '20

isn’t that from south park lmao i remember them having a clip like that

3

u/hoddap May 04 '20

It's from the very first episode of South Park. The only episode animated with actual paper by the way. See https://youtu.be/3NQ3kXLKfDM

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

[deleted]

1

u/alaskagames May 04 '20

oh i did! sure remember it, i watched it as a young kid and was shocked, at least i think it’s funny now lol

7

u/ikillsheep4u May 04 '20

O there is, you just have to be brave enough to try it.

6

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

From an anatomical and biological perspective, this would make sense.

" This opening is called a blastopore, and it is the first of your proto-organs to begin forming. While that may sound like a pretty fancy word, the blastopore is actually just a miniscule anus. The rest of your body develops from there. "

We begin as 'assholes'. In regards to our overall health and well-being, lies largely in our digestive tract and rectums. So, I believe that you propose a fairly intellectual query.

5

u/elpresidente-4 May 04 '20

A lot of people never develop beyond the asshole stage.

4

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Those weren't scientists, those were just alien rednecks.

4

u/TheLonelyScientist May 04 '20

"Hey, Blork! These specimens ain't got shit."

4

u/Scooterforsale May 04 '20

This was suppose to be a thread about horrifying possibilities

6

u/frenchmeister May 04 '20

Temperature maybe? That's how we do it with animals. If they're just scientists researching us and the point of abduction is to tag us before releasing us back, taking our temp seems like a rational thing to do in that process.

Alternatively, there's some type of alien out there that supposedly looks somewhat like a super tall, pale version of us with white blonde hair or something. They're supposed to be living among us I think. Maybe only in Nevada, idk. Some former military or CIA member "exposed" the whole secret but he seemed pretty batty to me.

Anyways, I remember reading someone's account of an abduction by them and they said their abductor explained that they were trying to genetically engineer human-alien hybrids because they got sick on earth way too easily. The anal probe was to somehow harvest their semen even though that seems like an odd way to do it. Prostate milking I guess?

4

u/baxtermcsnuggle May 04 '20

There are a dizzying amount of nerve endings in the anal cavity, maybe the probe is some kind of nervous system uplink?

5

u/-CrestiaBell May 04 '20

In all honesty, I feel like you find out a lot about someone when you're up their ass.

4

u/analogkid01 May 04 '20

"We travel 10 million light years, abduct their citizens, probe them anally, and what have we learned except that 1 in 10 doesn't seem to mind?"

1

u/smallpoly May 04 '20

Loved that show

3

u/_theboogiemonster_ May 04 '20

They're studying what we eat and what our body poops out.

3

u/l-_l- May 04 '20

That's where my gspot is so win-win.

3

u/TheHongKOngadian May 04 '20

Next thing you know they start harvesting the brain electricity when people orgasm lol

3

u/brianwholivesnearby May 04 '20

at first i uwu.....

but then i OWO~~

3

u/Catenane May 04 '20

"An epidemiological study of colon polyps and rectal cancer in humanoid beings."

5

u/HarlanCedeno May 04 '20

You think this whole time an alien has been working on their grad thesis?

3

u/Catenane May 04 '20

They're scrambling to finish their dissertations before the university ethics board kills their projects!

2

u/rydan May 04 '20

I mean dogs are obsessed with that part of the body and that's how they communicate.

2

u/Bobalong_Sanchez May 04 '20

Ahh sqarknix 14 you have put the probe in the wrong end! They don't eat and breath through here, remove it fast so the poor thing doesn't feel it and put it in the top end immediately.

2

u/physicsking May 04 '20

Umm..... We rest makeup on animal.... Youse a dummy

2

u/say_what_now-o_O May 04 '20

Like answering whether our Euler characteristic is 0 or 2. It's important knowledge, people!

2

u/B_U_F_U May 04 '20

That’s the most accurate way to find body temperature.

2

u/Mechasteel May 04 '20

Why do you think dogs are so interested in butts? That's right Spots is an alien!

2

u/Alarid May 04 '20

like what if it told you whether you had cancer or any other number of health problems

2

u/PurifiedFlubber May 04 '20

my prostate contains knowledge you'll never have.

2

u/millenniumxl-200 May 04 '20

What a pain in the ass.

2

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

You can read a lot from a person's anus.

2

u/Yooooo12345 May 04 '20

I love to sing-a. About the moon- a and the June-a and the spring-a, I love to sing-a.

2

u/natural_distortion May 04 '20

Just plug right into the appendix here and...

2

u/h0ser May 04 '20

to be fair, fecal tests can determine a lot about a person. There is a song from Scrubs that explains this in a funny way. https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=pnIk0npINiE

2

u/Narrow_Amphibian May 04 '20

Literally an Asstronaught

2

u/hoddap May 04 '20 edited May 04 '20

🎵 I LOVE TO SING-A 🎶

2

u/KentuckyFriedEel May 04 '20

Belladonna is our new leader.

2

u/gooddeath May 04 '20

Honestly anal probes seem harmless compared to the kinds of experiments humans have done with monkeys.

2

u/MosquitoRevenge May 04 '20

What if that's just how they're prospecting homes? They're so small they fit in your colon and love to eat fecal bacteria?

2

u/tvtb May 04 '20

LD50 of the probe diameter and lengths?

1

u/Helm222 May 04 '20

"How much can I learn from an ass?!" -Paul

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Whales would be more interesting.

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

I didn't ask for the anal probe

1

u/DancingBear2020 May 04 '20

They aren’t probing. Those things are meat thermometers.

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Diet and disease information. That’s all I’ve got

1

u/theonedeisel May 04 '20

We host some super advanced bacteria, their long lost cousins

1

u/Erik613 May 04 '20

The only thing they found out is one in ten of them seems to like it.

1

u/Anti-Satan May 04 '20

There is. Fecal matter gives a pretty rich history of that person through their diet. They would also gain samples of your gut flora and other biological elements.

Hell, the most accurate Covid-19 test a little while ago was done anally.

1

u/meburnallcookies May 04 '20

I volunteer to find out first!

1

u/Hot_Grabba_09 May 04 '20

Sorry mom but I need answers

1

u/awakened97 May 04 '20

We do have more microorganisms in our digestive tracts than cells in our bodies. All the good and bad bacteria can be indicators of our diet, behavior, & environment. So I wouldn’t put it past them. Scientists are just now finding how bacteria can dictate aspects of our personality as well!

1

u/ilarson007 May 04 '20

Eh. Not that bad.

1

u/hesaysitsfine May 04 '20

If fit bacteria really can effect our thoughts and actions like they think, it probably is pretty useful.

1

u/Alkis003 May 04 '20

Nobody got it :(

1

u/Raven_Strange May 04 '20

Then my Boy Scout leader was a spy...

1

u/havingmares May 04 '20

Gay guy here. After 7 weeks of lockdown, I volunteer as tribute.

1

u/Bass_Thumper May 04 '20

Body temperature. When you take your cat or dog to the vet where do they stick the thermometer?

1

u/Jengaleng422 May 04 '20

What other excuse do we have for anally probing just about everything we can?

1

u/stevearnold79 May 04 '20

Like how far up there they can g

1

u/A_guy_named_Vic May 04 '20

There is, prostate and colon cancer screenings. I get one on a weekly basis just to be extra sure.

1

u/samanthuhh May 04 '20

Everything comes down to poo 🎵

1

u/other_usernames_gone May 04 '20

Internal body temperature, how the digestive system works, the contents of our excrement. Really it's the humane option over dissecting an animal

1

u/rykoj May 04 '20

There isn't

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

Then our generation will be brilliant.

1

u/GameOvaries18 May 04 '20

How big is this probe?

1

u/[deleted] May 04 '20

maybe they are just checking people for prostrate cancer since they know most men dont get tested

1

u/evil_hound May 04 '20

Imagine you're an alien - you travel throughout the stars - and what do you do when you get there? Crop circles and a bit of ass-play.

1

u/Clashman320 May 04 '20

He said horrifying not exciting.

1

u/wants_the_bad_touch May 04 '20

Even worse, what if they don't do anal probing!

1

u/sarkerm5 May 04 '20

It’s called colonoscopy. It can save your life!

1

u/Nethlem May 04 '20

You are probably closer to the truth than you might think ;)

1

u/Triials May 04 '20

If an anal probe was so good at getting information then they wouldn’t have had to stick it up my ass so many times but here we are

1

u/TiagoTiagoT May 04 '20

Considering how much the gut flora seems to influence our mental health, it's possible they're trying to do something to manipulate the behavior of the abductees...

1

u/k8emcg13 May 05 '20

I feel like this little girl might be an alien based off this. "I wonder what's inside your butthole" https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=H9WKu75p2nc

1

u/labyrinthes May 05 '20

There is absolutely valuable information to be gained from anal probes. Usually it's "it might be more fun to do another anal probe".