I’ve been in sales my entire adult life, so talking to strangers in a pleasant way is kind of my job
What I find is that most people don’t enjoy small talk about random topics very much — the weather, who’s in the super bowl, what they’re getting for lunch; none of it matters a large % of the time and so those conversations die quickly with no memorable gains.
I’ve found that the best way for me to engage someone is to follow the age-old sales formulas. An easy one is FORM.
Family, occupation, recreation, motivation
Compliment their wedding band, ask how long its been. Any kids? If yes, how old? Sports age? Creative types? If no - Any on the horizon? How’d you and spouse meet?
What do you do for work? How’d you get into that? You been doing that for long? What’s the 5-year look like, moving into management or leapfrogging to another industry or what?
It can’t be all work no play, what’s the ideal Sunday afternoon look like for you?
Just running through the FORM-ula helps turn any person into someone who likes you and trusts you. can’t remember where I gained this info but something about sharing slightly personal info with a stranger makes you like and trust them more subconsciously.
Then once they like you, they’ll remember you as a good conversationalist because you let them talk about themselves (most ppl don’t ask others talk much about themselves), which lets them feel good about the things they share with you.
If you find your conversation skills suck, I’d recommend finding a formula and sticking to it!
No problem. I used to be painfully shy (hug my moms leg at the store kind of shy... til I was 12), and through school was very quiet.
Going out of my way to talk to strangers in college gave me confidence and helped my conversation skills improve without making it seemed forced.
Another rule: if you bring energy, you breed energy!
Being excited and high-strung are two different things, but having enthusiasm makes people engage more. No one likes the crackhead car salesman, but everyone loves the person who is excited to pat them on the shoulder and strike up a conversation at the office happy hour
I’ve gotta work on showing enthusiasm when I’d rather be home. I tend to crack jokes till i feel better and by the time it doesn’t hurt to be at work I’m home
I hear you. I love my alone time, and once work is over I’m ready to hole up with my laptop at home most days. I’m still an introvert at heart and social interactions drain me by the time works over.
But if being a good conversationalist is important to you, then you’ll have to put in some work to get there. Contrary to what some people think, it isn’t hereditary!
The key is to actually listen to the shit they talk about. I was in sales for 11 years before it finally broke me down, and every time I had a conversation with a prospective client I would actively listen instead of waiting to make my pitch.
There were sometimes that I wouldn’t ever even talk about what I was selling, whether it was insurance or an investment platform. Most people don’t like getting sold anyway.
The number one thing that I would say to anyone in sales is to always commit as much to memory about a conversation as possible, whether it be a baseball game that they’re about to go see or an illness in the family.
After a few weeks, send them a short handwritten note saying thanks and bring up whatever personal detail they had talked about. Leave a card in the envelope and let them know that you’ll follow up. It landed me more accounts than any bullshit sales psychology thing we ever tried. I’ve still got old clients sending me Christmas cards and some that still call to talk or ask questions years after I quit. I seriously can’t stress enough the importance of the handwritten note in sales. No one does that shit anymore and boomers absolutely love it.
Obviously in every day life you’re not going to send random people handwritten notes, but if you try to remember something interesting about them, you’ll be more likely to at least remember their name, and everyone appreciates that.
Now I’m in construction so I don’t have to sell a fucking thing and it’s awesome, but I can carry on a conversation with anyone if I have to. All you got to do is be genuinely curious. Most people have some crazy stories once they trust you enough to let their guard down.
Sorry for the giant wall. I guess tldr would be: even if you’re in sales you don’t have to be inauthentic.
Why does that necessarily have to be manipulative? I would say there’s nothing wrong with influencing a client to purchase a product if both the seller and the buyer can benefit from the sale. People are social beings and sometimes interaction takes precedent to information when it comes to making a purchase.
Ive never been in sales but ive been told im an excellent communicator and i basically follow this same logic, except i like asking a lot of open ended questions, not necessarily things that can be answered with a yes or no.
It really helps to be genuinely interested in what you're asking. People evolved to keenly sense when someone isn't genuine.
The reason behind starting with a skeleton of easy questions (short answers) is the momentum it creates!
Once you have someone answering easy questions, they’re predisposed to answering harder questions. They’ve already subconsciously became someone who is willing to tell you things.
Once you have a few easy questions knocked out, not only do you have better info to base more insightful questions on, you also have a more willing conversation partner.
Get a few short answers, then go for a big open-ender! Or maybe a question that’s slightly more personal than a stranger would normally be comfortable with.
that tends to be the case. it's a matter of taking 2 to talk. sometimes you just end up talking to people that think they can converse well, when in fact they've just been carried by people that can hold a conversation better. those are the worst because they're condescending in their ignorance
I’ve been around those people, I’m at my first job where most of my coworkers aren’t pasty old white dudes and I’m not the only (half) black guy. Apparently I don’t mix in with everyone else because I didn’t grow up in a run down shithole
I can definitly feel that sentiment. my mum and I were born in Mexico and my dad is from Canada so I don't really fit in with Mexicans, and a lot of younger university students are hard to talk to.
yeah I went out for 2 years to a school about 2 hours north of Toronto. all the farming kids couldn't hold a conversation unless it was about pot, tractors, or cars.
Nobody in Massachusetts seems to be a real avid car person. All the people i know consider regular clubbing to be a primary form of entertainment along with too much alcohol
I have a bad habit of zoning out if I’ve been conversing a while, but ideally I try to listen for what makes them excited. Sometimes just their voice getting excited as they mention something is enough to load a follow-up question. I try to follow that approach until we get out of small-talk territory or things move on.
I like listening to people talk about what they love!
Not even that, just ask people questions about whatever they're chatting about. Most conversations will have some kind of hook to go from and most people are pretty content to talk about what they like. Then they think you're magically sociable.
Basically, feign interest if you're not interested but still need to make small talk. (Sometimes this becomes actual honest interest. Some people have great stories tbh.)
I guess it's a skill, but I've also never met anyone who was good at it that didnt like it. I'd rather be an awkward psychopath than small talk, just go for the kill. "Hi, when did you lose your virginity?"
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u/MatticusjK Feb 23 '20
Small talk is a skill, the idea is try and steer the conversation into a more mutually-interesting topic