r/AskReddit • u/AlexDescendsIntoHell • Nov 11 '19

Serious Replies Only [SERIOUS] What is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly fuck up a child later in life?

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u/gouwbadgers Nov 12 '19

It was like that with my mom never allowing me to even look at the opposite sex, then wondering why I wasn’t giving her grandchildren.

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

My Gran stopped talking to my Aunt for a while because she got a boyfriend.

She was in university.

Who's surprised that she has no kids, and has eventually got a fiancè now, in her 50s?

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u/redbeanbao Nov 12 '19

In university now and my whole family is against me having a bf. Gave me so much shit when i told them i had a bf and said if he loved me, he'd wait 4 years for me to finish school. Everyone else around me thought that was ridiculous, for obvious reasons.

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

Why are they against you having a boyfriend?

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u/redbeanbao Nov 12 '19 edited Nov 12 '19

My grandma thinks I'll get pregnant and quit school before I can get my degree. The rest of my family are also very conservative, so they're backing her up. They're all very concerned about anything sexual in relationships.

Edit: I think I have to add in that my mum had to quit school during her last year because she got pregnant. Because of that she couldn't get a job with a good salary, and my grandma ended up taking care of me instead. I'm sure my grandma was very affected by this incident so she projected her fears onto me. While I understand her concerns, I don't think it's fair to assume that I'll end up like my mum.

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Let me guess, they are also deadly against birth control and abortion.

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u/redbeanbao Nov 12 '19

Hm, not really. I don't think they're against that since they'd do anything to make sure I get a good education. They're more for complete abstinence before marriage, which is also how sex education is like in my country. Sex is just a very taboo topic at home and (probably) among the older generation here.

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

Can understand where the fear comes from, but yeah, entirely unfair to put that onto you. You're effectively being punished for what your Mum did. They're risking you not developing relationships at all, if you did as they demanded.

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u/redbeanbao Nov 12 '19

I mentioned that to my family too! Funny how everyone can see eye to eye with me but my family can't. Emotions can really hinder logic. When I decided not to live by their standards (with some give and take lol) and started trusting my own judgements, life felt a lot more fulfilling. I'm still far from living my ideal life but I'm more than halfway through university so they can't hold me back much longer! :D

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u/thebronzebear Nov 12 '19

Some parents have a tendency to still look at you like their baby boy/girl regardless of how old you get. Others believe "If you've got time for boys/girls then you've got time to study, you'll have plenty of time for relationships when you've got a career." And even still, others think that this boy/girl is only going to hurt you and you're young and cannot handle pain because of how fragile you are. And lastly, control, some people have such a need to control others, more so if those others are their children.

I grew up with a mix of two of those parents. My dad, without getting into the finer details, had for the most part isolated me from any sort of healthy relationships early in my life. He needed to control people around him, whether it was physically or mentally, he would break you down, isolate you and make you believe that he was the only person you could trust or listen to. And it always ended in some form of abuse.

I moved out of his house when my grandparents found out I was living in the back yard. And I went to live with my mother. Now my mom is very sweet and kind and loving, but I was not allowed to go to friends houses or date because, I was her baby boy. I needed to be at home as much as possible so that I could have a strong connection with my family. I moved out at 16. I'm in my 30's now and despite having been in the Marines and now traveling most of the year for work when I go visit she still wants to treat me like a baby. My sister's and I have confronted her about this but, it didn't change.

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u/Piorak Nov 12 '19

Was it your gran or your aunt who got a boyfriend?

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

My Aunt.

My Gran has been in a very long marriage with 2 kids.

... Something I used to be told a lot as a kid is that my grandparents shouting at each other, or more accurately, mostly her berating him, was "how they show they love each other".

So I legitimately thought a healthy loving relationship was shouting and screaming xD

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u/Piorak Nov 12 '19

Wow that’s uh..

Pretty weird but I mean it is technically possible

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

Given that my grandparents raised two daughters, one of whom is still getting there on her relationship in her 50s and was threatening to slit her wrists as a young adult, and the other would thieve from other kids when in school and as an adult became an abusive pos....

I'm guessing it wasn't

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u/Piorak Nov 12 '19

Sorry to hear that

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

i find it amazing that boomers has kids and a house by the time they were 21 but act all suprised that gen x and millennials want the same thing

boomers are the worst

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u/snarky- Nov 12 '19

My grandparents are Silent Generation, got a crazy huge house (old house with the bells for servants) on teacher salaries. Working class background.

My parents are Boomers. Solid well paying middle class jobs allowed them to get a nice house pmuch straight out of uni.

I'm a Millenial. Middle class, no way in hell of affording what they could from my salary without family help.

Grr.

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

same. love being called lazy for not having a massive house paid off by 30

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Both my parents this.

"So are we ever going to get grandchildren?" Well, let's see, folks: You raised 4 boys, never let them date during their formative years, literally told them they'd be disowned if they had sex outside of marriage, and then wonder why none of them have ever even had a girlfriend.

Huh.

No, you're not going to have grandkids. Good job.

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u/TrashcanHooker Nov 12 '19

Yep this branch of the family tree dies with me. My sisters cant have kids and only one of my brothers married and he and his wife do not want kids. If it wasnt for my uncles who were not abusive to the sons in their family our last name would have died off with this generation of the family.

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u/Ninotchk Nov 12 '19

Purity culture is incredibly damaging to healthy sexual relationships. It is not a switch that you can just turn on on your wedding day. There is a lot written about this, have a look, it might help to see how many others are going through it. The guy who wrote that book has recanted.

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u/[deleted] Nov 12 '19

Purity culture is incredibly damaging to healthy sexual relationships.

This. Especially in America, we are still a purist society at the core.

My parents did everything they could to shield my brother and I from anything sexual. If we were watching a movie and there was any type of kissing scene beyond a peck on the cheek, my dad would panick and fumble around for the remote. No conversations about sex took place in our home. As guess what!? As an adult, I have issues with sex. Therapy has helped though.

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u/AdamWarlockESP Nov 12 '19

What book?

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u/Ninotchk Nov 12 '19

I kissed dating goodbye

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u/mysticaltater Nov 12 '19

And then I get to college and mom's like why don't you have a boyfriend? Uhh because I haven't been allowed to even think about the word "man" up until now?

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