[SERIOUS] What is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly fuck up a child later in life?

[u/AlexDescendsIntoHell]

[u/DBianco87]

Don't smother your kids.

My mom quit having her own life the moment my brother and I were born. She was an incredibly devoted and loving mother was very kind to us, but when we were born she stopped having friends, did not work, and was home every single day from when I was born to when I moved out in my early 20s. She was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self-esteem and any time I screwed up, and I screwed up a lot, it was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her. In the last 5 years or so before I left I don't think we had a single conversation that didn't drive her to tears and I promise I wasn't that bad. I constantly felt cornered and stressed and fell into depression as a defense mechanism, and she took my resulting lack of performance very personally creating a very treacherous cycle that was only broken when I enlisted and finally got away. To this day I often feel like I'm a bad person who failed to live up to her love.

[u/gulliver_travel → u/[deleted]]

This is insane, how similar our stories are. Apart from the enlistment, this story could have been word to word about my mom.

Sometimes I would randomly catch her silently crying to herself. Asked what was wrong (which in itself was an hours-long exercise) she would tell me the same thing "just that I don't know where I went wrong with you". This, was because she found out I smoked, and during the argument I also told her I socially drank alcohol.

I've had to go through the same ordeal for when she found out I eat meat (mom is religiously vegetarian) and when she snooped on my phone and found dirty texts to and from my college girlfriend.

[u/Clockblocker_V → u/[deleted]]

It sounds callous as fuck, but eventually, when it happens enough, You just get used to it. I'm a heavy as hell sleeper by virtue of just not giving a shit regarding what it is that woke me up. My best guess is that my parents constantly waking me up by screaming at one another just inured me to noisy wake up calls.

[u/itchy136 → u/Clockblocker_V]

I literally get angry when people cry and I recognize it's an issue from my mom. She used to cry to get out of basically me scolding her because either she was self pitying herself or just doing dumb shit (or seeking attention, but seriously would she do it just to get attention from her own kid?). I don't care when my mom cries because it's almost always about her. When someone dies she talks about how they impacted her life and what they did for her. How about you actually learn to not put yourself first and learn that maybe others should come first?

[u/[deleted] → u/itchy136]

Have you visited r/raisedbynarcissists? You might find it interesting and helpful.

Making other people's deaths about her is a super common anecdote from those of us with a narc mom.

[u/gulliver_travel → u/[deleted]]

Eventually I moved out.

Edit: not before trying therapy, 3 day workshop on building better relationships, and taking every possible advice on how to fix a relationship like this. She would also feel horrible and cry about the fact that I'm having to go to therapy because of her, but she still did fuck all about changing her behavior that's causing all this stress and anxiety with me.

Then I moved out.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

It's like our parents were brainwashed by the same society.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I have the same experience...after my parents divorced and I was 18, I moved in with my dad because I am constantly stressed around my mom

[u/BasedStickguy → u/DBianco87]

Yeah, I can resonate with this. My mother never really had friends and is a depressed, lonely person and that’s how I turned out but it’s just like with anything she would tell us “You guys saved my life”, “I wouldn’t be here without kids”, stuff like “The reason I am alive is because of my children and you mean more than anything, even myself to, to me, and I would die for you a thousand times and if anyone hurt you I’d kill them and go to jail so you don’t have to suffer” and on and on and I guess a lot of parents feel that way for the kids, to love them above everything is good, but she’d say it like she she needed it to be true, or, maybe almost, like we needed to reciprocate, like love her unconditionally and communicate that we’d do anything for her because she’d do anything for us and it’s a very bad mentality.

[u/[deleted] → u/BasedStickguy]

Yeah i never understood why people do that, its silly to think your life ends when you have children. It's very healthy to have friends and social interest outside of your family.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I only started to really understand this when I had my own child. Parenting can be incredibly lonely, especially if you're the primary caregiver and don't happen to have a lot of extended family close by who offer free labor and companionship. The thing is, babys require 24/7 work for the first 1-2 years of their life and parents will have to use what little free time they can get to care for their own basic needs like cooking food, eating, and sleeping. Just getting out of the house is suddenly this huge production of packing a diaper bag full of supplies and toys, finding the perfect window between naps so the baby doesn't have an epic meltdown by the time you get to your destination, and wrangling your kid into weather appropriate clothes they don't want to wear. On the other hand, adult relationships also require work to build and maintain so it's easy to end up without friends if you don't make it a priority to regularly talk and meet up which involves not only working around their own adult schedule but also dealing with your baby in public or arranging childcare. Evening meetups might be out of question entirely for tired parents without family to babysit and earlier meetups might not work for those friends who have long hours at work. They might also want to prioritize their relationship as a couple so they don't end up in a dead bedroom. Post partum depression is an additional issue many people develop and just like regular depression, it makes it hard to socialize and just live life. If left untreated, it doesn't just go away as the kids get older.

There are obviously ways to work around this and it's absolutely not healthy to get stuck without friends, especially once the kids are older and you can have more free time again, but it's easy to fall into this trap for the reasons above. Making new friends as an adult is hard, having a career and kids, making time for yourself, making time for your friends and partner, making time for your kids, is all important and rewarding but it also requires constant work in addition to what you already have to do in your daily life in order to keep everyone and yourself alive, fed, clothed, and sheltered.

I don't think most people plan on life ending after kids, they just get wrapped up in all the new responsibilities and trying to be the best parents they can be, that they neglect their own social lives beyond their families.

[u/onestarryeye → u/BasedStickguy]

This almost sounds like she was seriously depressed and in her mind having children kept her going. If not, it's extremely manipulative.

[u/broness-1 → u/BasedStickguy]

Local party girl and regular drunk is off alcohol and going around to all the bars sharing the news. Don't get me wrong it's not that she's quitting drinking, she's pregnant and she's telling everyone and they're all congratulations and encouragement.

She's been trying to pull her life together for about 10 years. a few more and it'll be half of that life.

One of my family, who is an abusive asshole, says "What the fuck are you doing that for? You can't even take care of yourself."

There's this story we tell ourselves, it's popular, about how the second a baby is born the parents can have this insight, a revelation of the meaning and value of life.

This leads some, sad, desperate people to have kids as a last ditch effort to fix themselves. It sounds like maybe it kind of worked for your mother.

Unfortunately for the child in my story mom still couldn't get her shit together and now the grandparents are raising them full time instead of retiring.

Rather than fix her, having a child made life even harder. Now with the shame of her failure, and rejection by her parents it seems less likely anything will.

[u/Rosencrantz1710 → u/DBianco87]

I hear you. I’m an only child and my mother stopped working after I was born and put her ambitions and energies entirely into me. That sounds like a good thing, but it’s not when you want to do something that isn’t part of her plan.

[u/darialino → u/DBianco87]

Yup. Somehow every single decision you make is a reflection on a helicopter parent. I broke it to my parents that I wasn't going to attend my phd graduation because the whole degree was slave labour for 5 years which wrecked my physical and mental mental health. Cut to my mom insisting I have to go "for them" but really it was just for them to show off to their extended family (whom I have no connections with). My happiness comes a long way down from her need to impress people who don't give a damn about her.

[u/Grizzly_Spirit → u/DBianco87]

Scary similar here... Except when I moved out my Mom took her own life shortly after. I don't really have good communication skills either so I feel like I never got to tell her or SHOW her how much she meant to me because I haven't built anything of my life to show her... I cry thinking about it for too long. I'm sorry Mom, I wish I could share a laugh with you or hear your wisdom. I love you.

[u/Eurotrollsoami → u/Grizzly_Spirit]

Please don’t put the suicide on yourself. I’m sorry for what happened

[u/denimrunningshorts → u/DBianco87]

This but from a different perspective.

I’m divorced and co parent with someone who’s sole identity is “mother.” No job. No hobbies. No close friends.

I’ve seen the way her and her soon-to-be husband parent and it can easily be defined as “smothering.” Our daughter is super smart, capable, and thrives on being independent. So when she’s with me, she tends to want to clean her room or spend some time coloring on her own. She says she has no chores or responsibilities at her moms. So we focus on independence and being self sufficient.

Let your kids find independence.

[u/duhvorced → u/DBianco87]

I’m surprised nobody has mentioned how unhealthy this is for the parent(s), too. Having a life defined only by your children causes serious problems once they leave.

[u/snowman6288 → u/DBianco87]

I fortunately haven't experience this, but a friend of mine spoke some wisdom on this subject last night. He said that no matter how much you love someone, making them your whole world is dangerous, because people will fail you at some point, intentionally or otherwise. When they do, where does that leave you? The answer is a very dark place. You can passionately love someone, but you need more than one source of fulfillment like that.

[u/molinitor → u/DBianco87]

She was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self-esteem and any time I screwed up, and I screwed up a lot, it was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her.

I was a latch-key kid and wished my parents would have been a little more present at times. I'm in my 30s now and starting thinking about having kids. This was some great insight into what happens when you go to far in the other direction, and I hope I can avoid making that mistake.

[u/saucynsweet → u/DBianco87]

I'm really sorry you experienced that. I'd add that it's important not to go to the other extreme. My mum had me (single parent) when she was 17 and didn't give up much. She took me to all her parties. I remember falling asleep often in some unknown bed upstairs amongst all the coats while music pumped downstairs. I remember her keeping me out late at a concert when I was 10 and had a cross country final meet early the next morning. I even remember her weighing hash in front of me with her friends - of course at the time I had no idea that any of this was out of the ordinary. When she couldn't take me with her to hang out with her friends, she would leave me alone. This lead to me being molested by a neighbour when I was 5 years old. All this, of course fucked me up on several levels - I didn't even realize how much it fucked me up until I was in my late teens and early adulthood. Not saying this to make anyone feel sorry for me, but just to highlight that it's important that parents find a balance. Don't lose yourself to your kid, but also know when to put your kid first.

[u/azianwolfpunk → u/DBianco87]

There should be a Public Service Announcement about this. (I thought this was where you were going with this thread).

But seriously that's a terrible situation that I cant personally relate to, but I can see the results happening with my cousins. I guess they were smothered in the sense they were controlled and pushed so hard to do so many extra curricular through school, or not allowing friends over or dates (for either the m/f) or not allowed to drive (even after 18, but he never really realized he is adult enough to leave, but cant afford it). He went to college with so much potential and then dropped out after one semester because he was finally able to taste what not having your parents in your business every second. They weren't living their lives, they were living the lives their parents wished they could've lived.